reaches Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious reaches puns

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

*What?*

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

*I don't understand*

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

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A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

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A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

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Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...

Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!

Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!

Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?

Bob: I think so...

Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

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NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that feel?" He responds "that feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell though!"

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A doctor goes to write a prescription...

He reaches into his pocket to take out his pen, but finds a rectal thermometer instead. Annoyed, he complains, "Some asshole stole my pen!"

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A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer

"Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"

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A guy meets a hooker in a bar

And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".

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A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer...

"Ugh, some asshole has my pen", she thought.

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Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...

she exclaims, "Some asshole's got my pen!"

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A doctor reaches in his jacket for a pen....

and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh great, some asshole's got my pen!"

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Pen

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

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An Irishman, Russian and the Blonde...

An Irishman, Russian and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of vodka at the bottom. The Blonde takes her turn, and without hesitation shouts "WEEEE!" as she slides down.

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A dad and his daughter are having an argument...

The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".

Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

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Nerd joke.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it! Newton replies You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!

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My son said he wants to sleep with 1000 women before he reaches 30.

I said, "Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first."

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A nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

The nurse looks at the thermometer and says some asshole has my pen

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What do you call the first sperm that reaches the egg?

The ova achiever

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A doctor goes to the bank to deposit a check...

He walks up to the teller and hands it to her, but she reminds him that it needs to be signed. He reaches into his pocket for a pen, but pulls out a rectal thermometer. He says, "Oh crap.." The teller asks, "Is something wrong?" and the doctor replies, "It's nothing, just that some asshole has my pen."

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A woman falls off of a ten story building...

...and a man on an eighth floor balcony reaches out and catches her in his arms.

"Do you fuck?", he asks.

"No!". she replied, and the man drops her.

On the sixth floor a man catches her and asks, "Do you suck?"

Again she says no and the man drops her.

On the fourth floor a man catches her and she immediately yells, "I FUCK! I SUCK!"

The man looks disgusted. "Slut!" and he drops her.

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Two kittens walk down the street together,

and as they talk, one kitten gets panicked and starts to yell:

-You won't believe what I heard the other day!!!

Ξ€he kitten reaches the others kitten's ear and starts whispering.

The other kitten gets a terrified look on its face and says:

-LESBIANS EAT WHAT?

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A priest and a politician are on a plane

A priest and politician are on a plane when the plane suddenly begins to nose dive. The priest reaches for the parachutes and says "Quick, Get The Kids", the politician replies "FUCK the kids", the priest looks at the politician with a look of bewilderment "Do you think there's time?"

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A young boy asks his dad.....

Dad I hear boys talking at school,

and I want to know, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?

Dad takes him to see his mother who is still asleep, he gently pulls the covers back to reveal her naked lower half and says:

that son is a pussy, the boy reaches out,

No son! you mustn't touch it......

you'll wake the cunt up.

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A doctor is walking down the hall.

A nurse meets him and says, "Doctor, why do you have a thermometer behind your ear?"

He reaches up, looks at the thermometer and says, "Awww dammit, some asshole has my pen!"

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Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that rapist is looking at your cookie."

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Miniskirt

A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.

She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.

Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.

"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".

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A man sees an armless woman crying on the beach...

He walks over to her and says "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice you were crying, what seems to be the problem?"
The woman replies "well, it's just that in my whole life, I've never been kissed"
So the man, being the smooth gentleman that he is, bends down and kisses her softly on the lips.
The woman cracks a smile but then goes back to crying.
The man asks, "oh no, what seems to be the problem now my dear?"
The woman replies, "well, it's just that in my whole life, I've never been fucked"
So the man reaches down, and picks her up in his arms, and swiftly tosses her into the ocean saying "well your fucked now!"

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Can I have some? nsfw

So this old man takes his grandson fishing. After a few minutes the grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. The kid says
"hey that looks pretty good can I have one?"
"can you touch your butthole with your pecker?" Says the grandpa..
The child replies "no."
"Then you are not old enough to have one."
A few minutes later the grandpa starts smoking a cigar.
"Hey grandpa that looks pretty good can I have one?"
Again the grandpa replies "can you touch your butthole with your pecker?"
"no" says the child.
"then you're not old enough to have one.."
A little time passes and the kid reaches into his bag and starts to eat some cookies. The grandpa says
"hey those look pretty good can I have one?" To which the kid replies
"can you touch your butthole with your pecker?"
"I sure as hell can!" Exclaims the grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself because these are my cookies!"

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An old woman reaches the end of her life..

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

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A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had dies of a heartattack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and byebye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, byebye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesnt sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything becaise of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldnt know how much of a i've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep!!"

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Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

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Genie with a flaw

A guy walks into a bar. He sets a bag onto the bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and slams them all back.

The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's the problem?"

The guy reaches into the bag, pulls out a little piano, then set it on the bar. He reaches back inside, pulls out a little stool, and sets it in front of the piano. He reaches in one more time, pulls out a little man, and sits him on the stool. The man then proceeds to play a wonderful sonata that fills the establishment and leaves the patrons in awe.

"Wow, that was great!" exclaimed the bartender. "Where'd you find this guy?"

The man reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says "Rub it."

The bartender rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says "I shall grant you one wish, whatever your heart desires."

"I want a million bucks!" the bartender shouts.

"It shall be done." And the genie disappears.

A minute later, a duck walks into the bar. And then another duck, and then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.

"Hey buddy," the bartender says to the man. "I think your genie is a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Yeah," said the man. "Do you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

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African Penis Growth Technique.

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when

each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a

weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis
until it's 20 inches long.

Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique honey".
The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?" The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there".
The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?"
"No" the husband replied. "It's turning black".

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What are the most funny Reaches jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Reaches? Well, here are the best Reaches dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Reaches pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes