Rationing Jokes
82 rationing jokes and hilarious rationing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rationing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Rationing Short Jokes
Short rationing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rationing humour may include short jokes also.
- Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!" The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
- Pi said to i, "Get real!" "Be rational!" responds i.
Finally, e breaks them up as it said "Join me, and we'll become one."
>e^pi ^i + 1 = 0 - People are so easily offended these days. That's why I only ever make jokes at the expense of white men, whose thick skins and calmly rational attitudes make them impossible to upset.
- What is the main difference between real numbers and women? Real numbers having period are rational.
- Vegetable rationing Some supermarkets are rationing lettuce, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg...
- What is the irrational fear of Chuck Norris otherwise known as? A completely rational fear.
- How do you make all the terrorists in one room convert to rationalism. Air condition the room.
- What do you say when a scout decides to prepare a backup meal after all? He made a recon-side-ration
- Virginity is a lot like rational thinking. If you happen to visit the church regularly, you'll probably lose it before you're 14.
- Why do families who decorate a lot end up starving? Because decorations end with rations
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Rationing One Liners
Which rationing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rationing? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- There are two kinds of numbers... Rational numbers and Woman numbers.
- e and i have an argument e says to i: get real
i responds: be rational - Are you a rational function? because I could ride your asymptote to infinity.
- What do you call a number that's red and itchy? rational.
- Pi is fighting with i Pi : get real
i : be rational - What did the number 1 say to π (pi)? Let's get rational you can't carry on like this!
- What do you call a rational Irishman who looks after his skin? Dermot O'logical
- What do you call French army rations? Noms de guerre.
- My dad taught me you can't try rationalize with crazy... It was a self-taught lesson.
- Horoscopes are the enemy of rational thought. They are a cancer to critical thinking.
- What do you call a miniature meat morsel? A little ration.
- What do famous people eat during war? Celeb rations!
^^^^^^^^sorry - What do you call an Irish elf? Dec O'ration
- Why was the mint considered rational? Because it made cents
Rationing Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about rationing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rationing pranks.
What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.
2012 is the predicted date for the end of the world.
The only rational explanation is Chuck Norris.
A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean J.C?", responds the alien.
"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"
Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
Converting Units:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
Waiting For Buffalo
Two early British explorers are navigating their way through the harsh Canadian wilderness with their trusty sidekick Two Bears. To scout for danger, Two Bears would occasionally stop and put his ear to the ground to check if Buffalo were nearby.
It had been weeks, and there were no buffalo to be found. They were surviving on meager rations. They really needed to find a buffalo to restock and feed their troupe. Two Bears would put his ear to the ground regularly, but still nothing.
One day, Two Bears put his ear to the ground. When he stood up, he had a smile on his face, and when he approached one of the head explorers, he excitedly said,
"Buffalo come!" The head explorer was ecstatic. He grabbed his gun and prepared for the hunt.
"How can you tell?"
"Ear sticky!"
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
What do you call the best pictures in a rapper's childrens' book?
The "ill-est"rations.
Apparently, I've got Rationalitis.
I wouldn't know if it weren't for the check-up; it's asymptotic.
Christian Aliens
A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: **"Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"**. **"You mean J.C?"**, responds the alien **"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok"**. Surprised, the pope follows up with **"He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"**. The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize **"maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"**. The pope retorts **"Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"**. The alien says **"Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"**
So a Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena.
A Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena. The sit down in front of a door, they inspect the room on the other side and conclude that there is no exit other than the entrance. They then watch as one person enters the room, and then later, two persons exit.
The Biologist, puzzled at first, concludes that the only rational conclusion is the person reproduced.
The Physicist, first assuming there was no error in observation, states that there must be some new physics inside the room.
The Mathematician in deep thought says, "I don't know, but if we have another person enter the room, it should be empty!"
Useful Metric Equivalents
* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 millipede = 1 centipede
* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
* 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
Edit - formatting
Female hormones in beer
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
As a rationally thinking Hindu...
I like to believe we're all reincarnated as dirt.
Square Root of Negative One and Pie.
The square root of negative one and Pi are having an argument. After a lengthy discussion the square root of negative one says: 'Will you just be rational?' To that pie replies: 'Get real.'
What is a positive ion's favourite food?
Rations
Mathematically speaking, 9/11 was quite rational
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
(B) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
(C) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects - yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
The Air-force Cadets get Red Bull in their ration packs
Because apparently it gives them wings
Women are like numbers ...
* Some are Rational, but infinitely more are Irrational.
* The Real ones might be Proper or Improper, but only the Imaginary ones are ever Pure.
* Some are Natural, the rest are Negative, or just not there.
* Some are Prime, but those are hard to find.
* Every other one is just plain Odd.
Beer is Bad for You
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drinking enough beer, men began to act like women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
what do you call someone with unreasonable hearing?
ear-rational
1945. Lenin's ghost comes to visit Stalin
Stalin tells the undead Lenin: "See, comrade Lenin, you doubted that the Soviet people will follow me, but in fact they do!"
To which Lenin replies: "Increase the food rations, or else the Soviet people will follow me".
What do you call a rational scientific m**...?
An Oxymormon
Scientific research recently revealed....
Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
I can't win a fight with my girlfriend. I'm rational, shes irrational...
Its a real problem
i: Be rational!
π: Get real!
I knew a Polish sound technician
He made rational decisions
I tried to have a rational argument with a t**...
But they just blew up
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...
One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"
WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer
Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.
In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
My favourite Russian joke.
3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.
The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."
The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."
The American says, "Well we get around 2000 calories a day for field ration."
The Russian blurts out, "That is b**..., you can't possibly carry that much cabbage!"
Old Soviet man goes for Rations...
An old Soviet man goes to the butcher to stand in line for his daily ration of meat. Lamenting the long wait, he finally reaches the front of the line, only to be told they had run out. Infuriated, he turns to his comrade.
"How can we be expected to survive without food? This is b**...!"
The other man turns to him and says "Careful friend, they used to shoot people for talking like that."
The Old Soviet trudges home to his wife to deliver the bad news. Standing in the doorway, she asks "Did they run out of meat again Ivan?"
He replies "No, worse. They ran out of bullets."
Completely Original Joke About Numbers That I'm Sure Has Never Occurred To Anyone
While I've always been able to count on the cardinal numbers, I find that some of the integers can be negative, but at least they're still rational. But as long as a number can be real with me, I don't care how dense they might be.
Five numbers walk into a bar...
... A Natural number (6), an Integer (-2), a Rational (1/2), a Real (e) and a Complex number (1-i) walk into a bar.
The first four clutch their heads in pain, but 1-i keeps going.
When -2 asks him how he walked through it, he shrugs and replies
"I'm imaginary".
The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar
Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.
"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting pretty raucous. You think you can help me calm them down?"
"I'm sorry," Russell replies. "Sets cannot contain themselves."
Adolf h**... is walking around in a prisoner camp.
As he is passing through he see a kid who is giving his food rations to an injured dog.
h**... walks up to the kid and asks him, "Why are you giving your food to the dog? You know you wont get extra."
The boy replies, "The dog needed it more than me, sir."
h**... felt something he had never felt before.
AH : "What is your name kid?"
Boy : "My name is John, sir."
AH : "And how old are you, John?"
Boy : "I will be ten years old tomorrow, sir,"
AH : "Oh no! You won't."
A galley ship's commander addresses the slaves.
"I have good news," the commander says. "For all your hard work, you're each going to receive an extra r**... ration!" The galley slaves cheer, but are quickly silenced by the commander. "And now the bad news," he says. "The Captain wants to go water skiing."
A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.
'You OK?' asked Bill, another of the gang.
'Not really,' sighed Pete. 'This morning my wife told me that she's rationing our s**... life – she's cutting me back to just once a week. I can't believe it.'
Bill put a consoling arm around Pete's shoulder. 'You think you've got it bad – she's cut some guys off altogether!'
What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?
One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.
The other is the bible.
The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...
So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.
My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.
I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.