Rate Jokes

Following is our collection of price humor and attractiveness one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Rate puns for adults, dirty slowest jokes or clean hourly gags for kids.

There is an abundance of standards jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 90 funniest jokes on rate. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ratio witze you can hear about rate.

The Best jokes about Rate

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?

They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy


I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

What's sexually transmitted and has a 100% death rate?

Life

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."

You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male

They have a higher rate of penetration...


Meanwhile in business news...

...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

A man walks into a lawyer's office...

The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"

The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

Why does japan have such a Low birth rate?

Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

If I had to rate the solar system

I'd give it one star.

Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

Because they're all in *stable* relationships!


How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship?

9/11

Why is North Korea's literacy rate so high?

Because they have a supreme reader

Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory?

They have such a high turnover rate.

The murder rate among trans women of color is so high

You'd think they were black guys.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it's because of pier pressure.

I got a hair cut for $10

At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says I don't know, maybe she choked.

Satan appears to a lawyer...

...and says to him, "I offer you this deal. Every year for the next five years, you will have 5,000 billable hours at three times your current rate. You will win every case, and some of your cases will become landmarks in the law books. After the five years, your soul, as well as the souls of your wife, your children, their spouses, and your grandchildren will all be forfeit to me, and you will all be damned for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a few seconds and then asked, "So, what's the catch"

Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?

The last time they had a Fat Man 100,000 people died.

I ran into a NASA scientist one day...

...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."

He says, "It's easy... you just planet."

So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.

Policing the internet.

Complaining to the police about something you've read on the internet is like suing a premium rate sex line for sexual harassment.

From 1 to 10, how much do you like arguing?

- Can I rate from 1 to 20?
- No.
- Why not?

My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...

Now she charges me a group rate.

I'm thinking about an app to let people rate strippers

I want to name it "Strip Advisor"

I rate the next One Direction album...

...four out of five stars.

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

A woman is in a coma in hospital

The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

What did the Jews rate their stay at Auschwitz?

One star.

I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...

The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.

What's the turnover rate for pornstars?

100%

A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spotted a chicken.
Rabbit: What are you?
Chicken: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Chicken: Let's have sex first...
--Love Making--
Chicken: I'm a chicken.

And the rabbit went HOP HOP HOP until it ran into a sprukotok...

Girl/Guy you are telling the joke to: What's a sprukotok?
You: Do you really wanna know?

I wish I could get lucky with banks as I am with women.

Women always offer a 0% interest rate.

If the cops were asked to rate a GTA game...

They'd give it 5 stars.

Why do Chinese knights have a low rate of survival?

They all have chinks in their armor.

You hear about the highly-productive pastry factory that has trouble retaining employees?

It has a high turnover rate.

Two sex workers enter Trump's Russian hotel room.

Sex worker: "On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate us?"

Trump: "Urinate"

World's Funniest Joke

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries.

The History Channel eventually hosted a special on the subject.


The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon Show sketch by Spike Milligan,was submitted by Gurpal Gosal of Manchester:


*Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"*

I always wondered why there is such a high rate of divorce among tennis players

Then I realized love means nothing to them.

Little johnny is asked to use the word contagious in a sentence.

My dad was watching my mom cut the grass out the front window.
He was yelling, at the rate she's cutting the grass, It's going to take that contagious.

West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not The Onion.

My math Professor arrived 8 minutes late for our first lecture, 4 minutes late for our second, and now 2 minutes late for our third.

At this rate, he will never be on time.

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate,

right where it hertz.

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

Why didn't Jimmy want to work at the bakery?

It had a high turnover rate.

Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.

If I died tomorrow.

The divorce rate has now reached 50%.

That means statistically speaking, either you or your spouse are going to end up divorced.

A Rapey looking man follows two Nuns...SFW

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

In a sports relay race, a chemical kinetics specialist runs slowly, and his group loses the race.

When the chemical kinetics specialist is asked why he ran slowly, his reply was Well, I always wanted to be the significant rate determining step .

What do bees and celebrities have in common?

They're both dying at an alarming rate.

Lawyers

A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, "Excuse me, what's your rate?"

The Lawyer says, "Fifty dollars for three questions."
The woman is shocked. "Isn't that a little steep?"
" Yes," says the lawyer."What's your third question?"

How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate?

He claimed 47% of America as dependents.

There was a royal baby...

The royal baby was born 8 pounds, 6 ounces. With the exchange rate, that's like 12.50, American.

I just finished reading all the books in a Song of Ice and Fire

I rate it a 5/7

What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

On a scale of 1 to 10…

How would you rate binary code?

I just finished reading Mein Kampf...

Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten.

Guns aren't lethal!!!

I did a survey of people who got shot and the result was that gunshots have a 100% survival rate

What was U2's lawyer's hourly rate?

Nothing, he was pro-Bono

Cow jokes that had to be shared

-Why is there a high gang rate amongst cows? They've all got beef.
-Why was the cow a terrible sharpshooter? All he did was graze.
-How can you tell if there are cows hiding near by? You can hear them uttering to each other.
.....thank you

Currency caper

A Japanese man visits Australia.

On the way in he converts his 4000 yen to $100.

A couple of weeks later, he is returning home and converts his last $100, but this time only receives 2000 yen.

"what's up with this?", he enquires, "why is the conversion rate half what it was when I came here?"

"fluctuations." replies the exchange kiosk operator.

"yeah? well fluck you too, white man."

Which state has the highest suicide rate ?

The Islamic State.

How would you rate a really ugly Brazilian?

1 out of 7

We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women.

For example:

"Every girl here is ugly"

"Well, what about her? "

"Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"

How can Finland be one of the happiest countries in the world with such a high suicide rate?

All the miserable people kill themselves

I asked my wife to rate my hearing skills

She said " i think you are an 8 on a scale of 10".

I still don't know why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton?

A Chinese man goes into a bank ...

... to exchange some Chinese yuan for American dollars. The teller finishes counting the man's currency, looks up that day's exchange rate, computes the conversion and quickly counts out the American currency in twenties, "…140, 160 and" plunking down the last bill, "makes $180. Will that be all today, sir?"

The Chinese man glares suspiciously at the teller, "Hey, how come I come he'a last week wit' same amount yuan, you give me 200 dollah; I come he'a today, you only give me 180 dollah?"

The teller politely goes into the short version of how currency exchanges work and recent changes in the market.

Being mostly satisfied but still a little skeptical the Chinese man asks, "What you mean by 'changes'?"

The teller says, "I'm sorry, I should've said 'fluctuations'."

The Chinese man yells back, "*Fluctuations*? Hey, FLUCK YOU WHITE GUYS TOO!"

If I had to rate racist jokes...

I would rate black jokes a 3/5 and arab jokes a 9/11

How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate?

He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.

Google announced a better speech recognition rate for its AI than for humans. I really love Google!

It understands me.

If my ex were to be rated by ESRB

She would be Rated E for Everyone.

The price of paper is getting so high!

At this rate my origami business is going to fold

The empty house across the street

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sitting on a porch having a beer and looking at the empty house across the street.

They see two people walk in through the front door, and an hour later three people walk out.

How interesting! said the biologist. They must have reproduced at an astonishing rate.

No, no , said the physicist. Clearly this is a case of teleportation, and the third individual was beamed in from elsewhere.

The mathematician sits quietly for a few minutes and remarks, if one more person goes into the house it will be empty again.

I have sex the same rate i give gold

When i can afford it.

While helping some freshmen check into their dorms at our state college I overheard a couple of new co-eds rate me as a six.

It really saddens me that our public school systems are only teaching kids to count to six.

I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.

Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

Did you know that bus drivers are good for more than driving the bus.

Thanks to them the pregnancy rate in nuns has dropped drastically

A guy is hungry and is looking for something to eat.

He approaches a hot dog stand and asks, 'how much is a hot dog?'


'$3 for one and 3 for $10', replied the hotdog vendor


Surprised by this rate, he ponders a bit and says, 'In that case, I'll have one' and pays $3. Then he proceeds to order another one and pays $3 and then another one till he has three hot dogs and quips, 'You see, people like you will never succeed in any business. I just bought 3 hotdogs for $9'.

'Yeah, but... I just sold 3 hotdogs!'

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes