The Best 92 Rate Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Rate jokes. There are some rate attractiveness jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these rate hourly puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Rate Jokes and Puns

I asked my wife to rate my hearing skills

She said " i think you are an 8 on a scale of 10".

I still don't know why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton?

Why didn't Jimmy want to work at the bakery?

It had a high turnover rate.

How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate?

He claimed 47% of America as dependents.

Rate joke, How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate?

How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate?

He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.

Policing the internet.

Complaining to the police about something you've read on the internet is like suing a premium rate sex line for sexual harassment.


I got a hair cut for $10

At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.

Cow jokes that had to be shared

-Why is there a high gang rate amongst cows? They've all got beef.
-Why was the cow a terrible sharpshooter? All he did was graze.
-How can you tell if there are cows hiding near by? You can hear them uttering to each other.
.....thank you

Rate joke, Cow jokes that had to be shared

Currency caper

A Japanese man visits Australia.

On the way in he converts his 4000 yen to $100.

A couple of weeks later, he is returning home and converts his last $100, but this time only receives 2000 yen.

"what's up with this?", he enquires, "why is the conversion rate half what it was when I came here?"

"fluctuations." replies the exchange kiosk operator.

"yeah? well fluck you too, white man."

There was a royal baby...

The royal baby was born 8 pounds, 6 ounces. With the exchange rate, that's like 12.50, American.

In a sports relay race, a chemical kinetics specialist runs slowly, and his group loses the race.

When the chemical kinetics specialist is asked why he ran slowly, his reply was Well, I always wanted to be the significant rate determining step .

Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory?

They have such a high turnover rate.

You can explore rate price reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean rate slowest dad jokes. There are also rate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Meanwhile in business news...

...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate

Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?

Because they're all in *stable* relationships!

If I had to rate racist jokes...

I would rate black jokes a 3/5 and arab jokes a 9/11

I rate the next One Direction album...

...four out of five stars.

I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...

The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.

Rate joke, I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

What's the turnover rate for pornstars?

100%

Lawyers

A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, "Excuse me, what's your rate?"

The Lawyer says, "Fifty dollars for three questions."
The woman is shocked. "Isn't that a little steep?"
" Yes," says the lawyer."What's your third question?"


You hear about the highly-productive pastry factory that has trouble retaining employees?

It has a high turnover rate.

Why do Chinese knights have a low rate of survival?

They all have chinks in their armor.

We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women.

For example:

"Every girl here is ugly"

"Well, what about her? "

"Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.

If I died tomorrow.

My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...

Now she charges me a group rate.

You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male

They have a higher rate of penetration...

Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

I just finished reading Mein Kampf...

Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten.

The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.

How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship?

9/11

Which state has the highest suicide rate ?

The Islamic State.

What do bees and celebrities have in common?

They're both dying at an alarming rate.

On a scale of 1 to 10…

How would you rate binary code?

Two sex workers enter Trump's Russian hotel room.

Sex worker: "On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate us?"

Trump: "Urinate"

What was U2's lawyer's hourly rate?

Nothing, he was pro-Bono

I just finished reading all the books in a Song of Ice and Fire

I rate it a 5/7

I always wondered why there is such a high rate of divorce among tennis players

Then I realized love means nothing to them.

From 1 to 10, how much do you like arguing?

- Can I rate from 1 to 20?
- No.
- Why not?

What did the Jews rate their stay at Auschwitz?

One star.

[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."

If I had to rate the solar system

I'd give it one star.

I ran into a NASA scientist one day...

...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."

He says, "It's easy... you just planet."

So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.

The murder rate among trans women of color is so high

You'd think they were black guys.

I'm thinking about an app to let people rate strippers

I want to name it "Strip Advisor"

If the cops were asked to rate a GTA game...

They'd give it 5 stars.

If my ex were to be rated by ESRB

She would be Rated E for Everyone.

Why is North Korea's literacy rate so high?

Because they have a supreme reader

Google announced a better speech recognition rate for its AI than for humans. I really love Google!

It understands me.

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.

Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

How can Finland be one of the happiest countries in the world with such a high suicide rate?

All the miserable people kill themselves

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...

The other 20% are missing.

What's sexually transmitted and has a 100% death rate?

Life

A man walks into a lawyer's office...

The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"

The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"

The price of paper is getting so high!

At this rate my origami business is going to fold

Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?

They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy

A woman is in a coma in hospital

The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

My math Professor arrived 8 minutes late for our first lecture, 4 minutes late for our second, and now 2 minutes late for our third.

At this rate, he will never be on time.

How would you rate a really ugly Brazilian?

1 out of 7

Little johnny is asked to use the word contagious in a sentence.

My dad was watching my mom cut the grass out the front window.
He was yelling, at the rate she's cutting the grass, It's going to take that contagious.

Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

Why does japan have such a Low birth rate?

Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died

The divorce rate has now reached 50%.

That means statistically speaking, either you or your spouse are going to end up divorced.

Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate,

right where it hertz.

Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.

What a sad state of affairs.

What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?

Vagabonds

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it's because of pier pressure.

Guns aren't lethal!!!

I did a survey of people who got shot and the result was that gunshots have a 100% survival rate

Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?

The last time they had a Fat Man 100,000 people died.

West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not The Onion.

I wish I could get lucky with banks as I am with women.

Women always offer a 0% interest rate.

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

Man informs the bank 3months after his credit card got hacked

OC: Why didn't you inform us as soon as you came to know you card got hacked?

Man: Because the thief was spending less than my wife did.

OC: So why inform us now?

Man: The spending rate has 4x increased, seems like the thief's wife has started using it

I asked my wife..

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said,

"You're an 8 on a scale of 10."

I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton..

I asked my wife on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself? And in a sassy tone, she said 11 .

I told her Must be a pH scale cause you're basic as hell.

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded Safaris pretty good.

Why is the teenage mexican pregnancy rate so high?

Cuz the teachers said "go home and do your essays"

The doctor told me to rate my pain.

Apparently "zero stars, would not recommend" was the wrong answer.

I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it's a...

...Flat Fee.

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

The stereotype of Persians used to be that they're very cheap.

A Persian man's wife died. After the burial he called the newspaper to write the obituary.

Put 'Sarah died' he said

*Sir, you're not paying us by word, it's a flat rate... you can write a whole sentence if you like.*

Put 'Sarah died yesterday'

*Sir, you can add six more words and I'll charge you for a sentence*

Put '86 Mazda for sale, low mileage''

Got in trouble with wife last night....

I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova.
She said "Because I am so hot?"
I shouldn't have replied "no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate."

Different body parts rate each other

The Brain to the Liver: You're a 6.

The Spleen to the Colon: You're a 7.

The Urethra to the Bladder: Urinate.

My teacher asked me if I know the unit for rate of deformities in Hapsburgs.....

I replied:"perhaps "

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the rate standards jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working rate ratio piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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