Rate Jokes
162 rate jokes and hilarious rate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for jokes about interest, heart, exchange, unit, or cap rates? Our article will cover all of these topics and more. Learn how to rate jokes and understand the scale, rate of change, and mortality that comes with all types of humor. Explore the different factors that influence the price of a joke.
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- Short Rate Jokes
- Rate One Liners
- Heart Rate Jokes
- Exchange Rate Jokes
- Rate Of Change Jokes
- Divorce Rate Jokes
- Interest Rate Jokes
- More Rate Jokes
Funniest Rate Short Jokes
Short rate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rate humour may include short rating jokes also.
- In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50. These are the pie rates of the caribbean.
- I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton - 1 slice of apple pie will cost you $2.45 in Jamaica. A slice of apple pie costs $3.75 in Trinidad and the same slice costs $4.45 in Barbados. And those are the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean.
- The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store. But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new star. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
- Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean.
- There Once Was A Poet Named Bates, His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line. - Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate? They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy
- TIL Texas is called the lone star state because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system
- A slice of pie costs $3.50 in Barbados, $3.00 in Saint Lucia, $2.50 in Belize, and $2 in Cuba.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean. - Movie Ratings Explained G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl!
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Rate One Liners
Which rate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rate? I can suggest the ones about rank and peed.
- Why did elon musk go broke? Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.
- Why don't alien visit our solar system? Terrible ratings. One star.
- Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? How I bought your mother
- 3.14% of sailors are... π-rates.
- Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10 Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.
- String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
- 3.14% of all sailors are Pi-rates! (Have a great pi-day)
- I'm so dumb and out of shape My resting heart rate is higher than my IQ
- I went online and rated our Solar System Gave it one star.
- Why don't aliens visit Earth Bc we have 1 star rating...
- Why were birth rates low in 1970? You can't get pregnant during '69.
- Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%... The other 20% are missing.
- If I had to rate the solar system I'd give it one star.
- I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5 It was a pi rated DVD
- How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship? 9/11
Heart Rate Jokes
Here is a list of funny heart rate jokes and even better heart rate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was sending letters to a kid with cancer I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.
- Sleep patterns are fascinating. There's light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can't easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
- This elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up.
- A man with manic depression buys a heart rate monitor It was made by Polar
- What did the sheep with a high heart rate say to himself? Be still my _bleat_-ing heart!
- Jack & Jill Went In To Town..... To buy some chips and sweeties.
Now Jack can't keep his heart rate down
and Jill has Diabetes - I just plugged in my phone to charge... and now my grans heart rate monitor wont shut up with this long beep and its driving me nuts!
- Joke dad did with doc and got a brief confused look before a chuckle After saying the heart rate out loud (in beats per minute) dad asked if that was metric or imperial values.
- Hey, what's that straight line on my heart rate monitttttttttttttttt
- My nans heart Has a better work rate than Africa
Exchange Rate Jokes
Here is a list of funny exchange rate jokes and even better exchange rate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There was a royal baby... The royal baby was born 8 pounds, 6 ounces. With the exchange rate, that's like 12.50, American.
- Just went to the supermarket and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas I can't believe the currant exchange rate.
- An Iranian goes to exchange some currency He asks the teller what the current rate is for the US Dollar.
"Now, or... now?" - 5 Brazilian dollars sounds like a lot of money... However, with the current exchange rate its only about $1.35 USD
- I went to the supermarket the other day and traded 100 raisins for a handful of grapes. Can't believe the currant exchange rates
- I just went to the post office and got 54 raisins for 30 sultanas! I can't believe the currant exchange rate!
- What's the exchange rate for pigs and trees? A porcupine.
Rate Of Change Jokes
Here is a list of funny rate of change jokes and even better rate of change puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I needed an emergency tire change. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was relieved when they said it's a... ...Flat Fee.
- Haven't you heard? Some pirates are going for a career change to bankers, and they've got good rates. Pi-rates.
- in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format. it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.
- What's the instantaneous rate of change of an Italian farewell? Derivederci!
- The divorce rate in Virginia is so high... ..... ... that they are changing the official state slogan to "Virginia is for ex-lovers".
- Fun fact: Gauge Theory is the instantaneous rate of change calculated off a pre established baseline. A 12 gauge is how Kurt Cobain died.
- Fastest way to be rich, 100% success rate! Change your name to Rich.
- You must be 1/x, Because you are the rate of change of my natural log.
- S&P just changed Russia's credit rating from AAA to AHAHAHA
Divorce Rate Jokes
Here is a list of funny divorce rate jokes and even better divorce rate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in *stable* relationships!
- TIL people who are color blind have the highest rates of divorce. They can't see the red flags.
- After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see. I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"
- Why are divorce rates so high in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs.
- I always wondered why there is such a high rate of divorce among tennis players Then I realized love means nothing to them.
- The divorce rate has now reached 50%. That means statistically speaking, either you or your spouse are going to end up divorced.
- Why is the divorce rate so high? Women never marry the best man.
- Red Dead Redemption 2 releases on October 26 Experts predict that both unemployment and divorce rates will rise very soon.
- A recent study found that the divorce rate is much lower among couples where both spouses have a lisp. But their divorth rate is much higher.
- Why do melons have such a low divorce rate? ...because they Cantaloupe...
Interest Rate Jokes
Here is a list of funny interest rate jokes and even better interest rate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wish I could get lucky with banks as I am with women. Women always offer a 0% interest rate.
- Most people want to be bankers when they grow up But at this rate they are gonna lose interest
- I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower.. It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe) - There's been some interesting science news today. Apparently materials with a half life of 3 pass through valves at a extremely slow rate.
-plauge inc - If they raise the interest rates one more time... ...You're going to see Janet Yellen.
- The interest rates for a loan in the carribean are... 3.14.
- What do you call a shark that sells dirt at high interest rates? A loam shark.
- My banker friend keeps talking about how attractive he is... He keeps talking about his high interest rates.
This made my fiancee try to smother me with a pillow. - Washington DC's IQ is the same as the Federal Reserves interest rate Theyre both negative.
- Why can't economist get laid? Cause they can't get global growth 3% and interest rates are low
Comedy Rate Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about rate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean price jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rate pranks.
I asked my wife to rate my hearing skills
She said " i think you are an 8 on a scale of 10".
I still don't know why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton?
Why didn't Jimmy want to work at the bakery?
It had a high turnover rate.
How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate?
He claimed 47% of America as dependents.
How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate?
He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.
Policing the internet.
Complaining to the police about something you've read on the internet is like suing a premium rate s**... line for s**... harassment.
I got a hair cut for $10
At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.
Cow jokes that had to be shared
-Why is there a high gang rate amongst cows? They've all got beef.
-Why was the cow a terrible sharpshooter? All he did was graze.
-How can you tell if there are cows hiding near by? You can hear them uttering to each other.
.....thank you
Currency caper
A Japanese man visits Australia.
On the way in he converts his 4000 yen to $100.
A couple of weeks later, he is returning home and converts his last $100, but this time only receives 2000 yen.
"what's up with this?", he enquires, "why is the conversion rate half what it was when I came here?"
"fluctuations." replies the exchange kiosk operator.
"yeah? well fluck you too, white man."
In a sports relay race, a chemical kinetics specialist runs slowly, and his group loses the race.
When the chemical kinetics specialist is asked why he ran slowly, his reply was Well, I always wanted to be the significant rate determining step .
Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory?
They have such a high turnover rate.
Meanwhile in business news...
...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate
If I had to rate racist jokes...
I would rate black jokes a 3/5 and arab jokes a 9/11
I rate the next One Direction album...
...four out of five stars.
I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...
The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.
What's the turnover rate for pornstars?
100%
Lawyers
A woman walks into the lawyer's office and says, "Excuse me, what's your rate?"
The Lawyer says, "Fifty dollars for three questions."
The woman is shocked. "Isn't that a little steep?"
" Yes," says the lawyer."What's your third question?"
You hear about the highly-productive pastry factory that has trouble retaining employees?
It has a high turnover rate.
Why do Chinese knights have a low rate of survival?
They all have c**... in their armor.
We should really use the blackjack scale to rate women.
For example:
"Every girl here is ugly"
"Well, what about her? "
"Eh, she's like a 15 or 16. Not sure if I'd hit it"
What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?
Logger-rhythms.
My sister is an expert pastry-maker.
She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.
If I died tomorrow.
My therapist told me I have multiple personalities...
Now she charges me a group rate.
You always hear about alpha males and beta males, but I'd prefer to be a gamma male
They have a higher rate of p**......
Discount Air Rides
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
I just finished reading Mein Kampf...
Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten.
The line "Do you come here often?"
Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.
Which state has the highest s**... rate ?
The Islamic State.
What do bees and celebrities have in common?
They're both dying at an alarming rate.
On a scale of 1 to 10…
How would you rate binary code?
Two s**... workers enter Trump's Russian hotel room.
s**... worker: "On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate us?"
Trump: "Urinate"
What was U2's lawyer's hourly rate?
Nothing, he was pro-Bono
I just finished reading all the books in a Song of Ice and Fire
I rate it a 5/7
From 1 to 10, how much do you like arguing?
- Can I rate from 1 to 20?
- No.
- Why not?
What did the Jews rate their stay at Auschwitz?
One star.
I ran into a NASA scientist one day...
...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."
He says, "It's easy... you just planet."
So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.
The m**... rate among trans women of color is so high
You'd think they were black guys.
I'm thinking about an app to let people rate strippers
I want to name it "s**... Advisor"
If the cops were asked to rate a GTA game...
They'd give it 5 stars.
Why is North Korea's literacy rate so high?
Because they have a supreme reader
Exchange rate
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
I was rated "number 1 most likely to not m**... you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.
I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.
How can Finland be one of the happiest countries in the world with such a high s**... rate?
All the miserable people kill themselves
What's s**... transmitted and has a 100% death rate?
Life
A man walks into a lawyer's office...
The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"
The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"
A woman is in a coma in hospital
The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
My math Professor arrived 8 minutes late for our first lecture, 4 minutes late for our second, and now 2 minutes late for our third.
At this rate, he will never be on time.
How would you rate a really ugly Brazilian?
1 out of 7
Little johnny is asked to use the word contagious in a sentence.
My dad was watching my mom cut the grass out the front window.
He was yelling, at the rate she's cutting the grass, It's going to take that contagious.
Yellow cars have the highest c**... rate
According to a recent pole
Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?
Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out
Why does japan have such a Low birth rate?
Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died
Someone insulted me on my monitor's refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
Apparently, Nevada has the highest rate of depression and disloyal partners.
What a sad state of affairs.
What kind of bonds have the worst return rate?
Vagabonds
Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?
The Make-A-Wish foundation.
According to statistics, the highest s**... rate is found near piers.
I think it's because of pier pressure.
Guns aren't lethal!!!
I did a survey of people who got shot and the result was that gunshots have a 100% survival rate
Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?
The last time they had a Fat Man 100,000 people died.
West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions
Not The Onion.
Man informs the bank 3months after his credit card got hacked
OC: Why didn't you inform us as soon as you came to know you card got hacked?
Man: Because the thief was spending less than my wife did.
OC: So why inform us now?
Man: The spending rate has 4x increased, seems like the thief's wife has started using it
I asked my wife..
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said,
"You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton..
I asked my wife on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself? And in a sassy tone, she said 11 .
I told her Must be a pH scale cause you're basic as h**....
I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.
To which I responded Safaris pretty good.
The doctor told me to rate my pain.
Apparently "zero stars, would not recommend" was the wrong answer.
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,
His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.
The stereotype of Persians used to be that they're very cheap.
A Persian man's wife died. After the burial he called the newspaper to write the obituary.
Put 'Sarah died' he said
*Sir, you're not paying us by word, it's a flat rate... you can write a whole sentence if you like.*
Put 'Sarah died yesterday'
*Sir, you can add six more words and I'll charge you for a sentence*
Put '86 Mazda for sale, low mileage''
Got in trouble with wife last night....
I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova.
She said "Because I am so hot?"
I shouldn't have replied "no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate."
