Rash Jokes

What are some Rash jokes?

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.

I need to quit making rash decisions.

Why did no one trust the dermatologist?

He kept making rash decisions.

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill

What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?

Find the nearest skyscraper.

Oh, Jim...

Jim goes to the Doctors about a rash. "Doc, I've had this rash on my chin for 2 weeks now. I've tried everything; aloe vera, tea tree oil, vaseline. Nothing works."

The Doctor says "Oh I've seen this before"

"You have?"

"Yes. I had the exact same thing last week. I was going down on my wife once a night for a week and one morning, it was gone. You should try it"

"Ok Doc!"

So he goes off and comes back 2 days later.

"Wow, Doc, You were right. It does work. And I must say, what a beautiful house you have"

Keep away from professional dermatologists..

They make rash decisions

What do you give a pig with a rash?


"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

Always diagnose before you treat...

A woman walks into the dermatologists office complaining about a rash on her chest. The doctor asks to take a look, so she removes her shirt, revealing a large, red 'H' on her skin. Believing this to be a case of contact dermatitis, the doctor asks her what could have caused this. "Well", she said, "when my boyfriend and I get it on, he likes to wear his Harvard sweatshirt." He notices that she is obviously allergic to the paint on her boyfriend's sweatshirt; she is treated with a steroid and sent her way.

A few days later another girl comes in with the same symptoms. This time she has a large 'M' on her chest. The doctor decides to act like a hot-shot and show off in front of the girl. "Let me guess" the doctor says, "Your boyfriend went to Michigan?" "No", the girl says, "but my girlfriend went to Wellesley."

Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.

I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist.

I refuse to make rash decisions.

I couldn't figure out which lotion to use for my skin condition. I tried asking my doctor...

He just said "I don't wanna make any rash decisions ."

I went to the doctor for a rash...

Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Me: Steven's soap, Steven's shampoo, Steven's toothpaste and Steven's toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven's a foreign brand?

Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

What do you call an impatient skin infection?


There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...

There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a person from road rash when laying down their motorcycle.
And there's Sweater Vests - designed to protect a person from women.

I broke out with an allergic reaction.

My mom wanted to take me to the ER immediately, but my dad said, Let's not make any rash decisions.

I wasn't sure if I should go to the STI clinic or not.

I didn't want to make a rash decision.

Why was the dermatologist fired?

He made too many rash decisions.

In spite of my anger, I decided not to bring my wetsuit to the beach.

It was a rash decision.

You shouldn't trust dermatologists.

They make a lot of rash decisions.

I asked my Pharmacist for advice on telling a rash joke..

he told me to make it topical.

What'd the doctor say to the nurse about skin patients?

Don't make any rash decisions.

Why was the dermatologist fired?

He was making too many rash decisions.

I can't believe he was acneing so stupid.

I fear change...

The pennies make my hands come out in a rash.

Apparently, if new dots on your arm don't fade under a glass tumbler, you should seek medical advice without thinking.

Which makes it easier for me, as I'm terrible at making rash decisions.

A roofer went to the doctor for a rash

He has shingles.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover?

A rash of good luck

A portrait painter is on his death bed when he asks his son to come close..

He says "Son, I'm dying. So listen closely." He sneezes on the boy's face. "I have a skin rash, dry cough, pink eye, diarrhea, headache, koplik's spots, sensitivity to light, sore throat, and/or swollen lymph nodes." Then he coughs on the boy's mouth. "So I want you to make sure that your brother gets m'brushes." As he says this he spits in the boy's eye. "Make sure your sister gets m'paintings." He convulses, spilling his bed pan over the boy's chest, before speaking his last words, "I want you to get m'easels."

My boss said to me...

'Why do you break out in a rash every time I give you your pay check?'

Me: 'I'm allergic to peanuts!'

I had some bumps on my arm and was going to get it amputated.

The doctor thought it was a little rash.

On a whim, I decided to roll around in some poison ivy.

It was a real rash decision.

How do you treat an imaginary rash?


My roommate had a terrible rash

My roommate had a terrible rash that didn't seem to want to go away.

He decided to go see the doctor about it.

I came home that day to see him crying on the couch.

"Oh no... bad news?"

"Nope! The doctor said I'll be fine. He told me to 'Just go home and moist your eyes.'"

My friend has an intermittent rash that resembles elephants.

Turns out it's pachydermatitis.

Albert got a rash after he visited the brothel.

He had an Al orgy.

What you should do if you have a rash

Choose your doctor and medication carefully, you don't want to make any rash decisions.

I'm not sure how I feel about this rash on my neck.

But it's starting to grow on me.

I saw a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin.

I asked if it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.

What did Bruce Banner get after having sex with as prostitute?


I had sex with a prostitute last night...

It turned out to be a rash decision.

A man goes to the doctor for a sore throat..

The doc looks into his throat, makes his diagnosis;

doc: " Looks like you have strep. Have you taken penicillin before?"

man: " Yes I have".

doc: " Alright."

The doctor's nurse gives the man penicillin and within minutes, he starts convulsing, having a full body rash and trouble breathing. The doctor runs back into the room and yells at the man

The man replies in a muffled voice: "Yea, and the same thing happened last time too"

What did the painting of the Haywain and the rash on the lesbians chin have in common?

They are both by Constable

(really bad, so sorry)

I have this habit of collecting strange injuries from plants, and I recently contracted a weird rash from planting tulips...

I caught a Bulb-a-sore.

What do you call a person who has a rash but denies that it's a rash?


What did the baby rash say to the momma rash when she asked 'what do you want for breakfast?'


I accidently mixed some poison ivy with a 4 leafed clover and ever since I've had a rash of good luck...

I accidently mixed up some poison ivy with a 4 leafed clover and ever since I've had a rash of good luck...

How to make Rash jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Rash to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Rash? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Rash pick up lines to share with friends.

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