The Best 90 Raped Jokes

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:

#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

my pre school guitar teacher...

got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth

The park

I was about to make love to my girlfriend. "I've loved you since the first moment I first saw you. I'm so glad you're mine now" I said, stroking her hair.

She started to choke up. "I've never really had sex," she said. My first time was horrible - I was raped in a park, aged 16."

"Oh babe," I said, "Hush. Hush. It will be so different now. We don't have to rush and I'll be gentle this time."

So a man escaped from a mental asylum.....

So a man escaped from a mental asylum and the first thing he did was head for the local town. In the town he found a laundrette and so he went inside and raped the workers there.

The next day's newspaper headline was " Nut bolts ,screws washers"

"One of my friends has gotten so many DUI's.....

that he had to go to jail for a year. And his only concern was getting raped. So he didn't shower for an entire year...... because he was so busy getting raped."

- Anthony Jeselnik

Self control

I stopped a girl getting raped today.

I used self-control.

What do you do?

So, you are walking around in a forest and see a girl lying on the floor, half naked and clothes tattered. She is weeping heavily, and you can tell she has just been raped.

What do you do?

You check your map, because you have been walking in a circle.

Raped by a canadian

A woman called the police saying she was raped by a canadian, the policeman asked how she knew he was canadian. She said he said sorry after.

A woman stumbles into the police headquarters.......

And says "Help me! I was raped by an Irishman!" The police are quick to ask "How do you know it was an Irishman?"

"because I had to help him....."

A person runs into a police-station and shouts "Help - I've been graped!"

The desk-officer asked "Don't you mean raped?"

The victim cried "No! there was a bunch of them!"

Woman runs into a police station shouting, "Help! I've been graped!"

Policeman responds with, "Don't you mean RAPED?"
Woman replies, "No - there was a whole bunch of 'em!"

My ex was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists.

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

Yesterday i saved a woman from being raped.

- Yesterday i saved a woman from being raped !
- Wow dude that's amazing, how did you stop it?!
- Self control my friend, Self control...

I got raped by a troupe of mimes last night

They performed unspeakable acts.

How do you know Bill Cosby raped the girl

The proof is in the pudding

What do you call it when someone is raped by a bunch of ghosts?

Boo-kakke

Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who raped a woman and ran away?

"Nut screws and bolts".

Have you heard the joke about a rice cake who raped a bunch of tofu?

I thought it was pretty tasteless.

How can you tell a pirate is being raped?

You hear him screaming "Quit plunderin' my booty!"

What do you get when you see Bill Cosby in double-vision?

Raped.

A psychic told me I was going to die a virgin

So I raped her and asked for my 20$ back

I almost got raped in jail ...

My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

Just finished my Sexual Violence Prevention and Awareness Training. It was very informative and I feel much safer.

Plus I totally raped the quiz at the end, 100%.

A woman walks into a police station and says "Help, Ive bee raped by a consultant"

The policeman on duty says "Consultant? thats pretty specific. Do you know him?"
The woman replies "No I dont know him"
The policeman asks "Then how do you know he's a consultant?"
The woman answers "Because he kept his jacket on and made me do all the work"

What's the worst part about getting raped by an eskimo?

Being forced Inuit.

My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle.

He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.

When I was a child, I was raped by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

I was raped by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being raped by a giant scorpion..

An 80 year old man raped his bed nurse.

He was charged with assault with a dead weapon.

If two feminists get drunk and hook up...

...were they both raped?

Currently the most offensive joke going through my head.

What did the female Marine get moments after she was gang raped by her fellow Marines?

A Dishonourable Discharge.

I live in a pretty rough area.

The priest at our church had to leave because of a child abuse scandal. He was raped by three kids.

I almost got raped in prison.

I beat him off.

I was having sex with a girl the other day, I was getting tired so I asked her to go on top...

She replied "you haven't raped anyone before have you".

Give a migrant a fish and you'll feed him for the day.

Deport him and local girls won't get raped.

A man is served whiskey on a flight

A man is served whiskey on a flight.

The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?

Priest: I would rather be raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips

The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...

Refugees in Germany

So, a German girl is being raped by 12 men. She cries out "Nein Nein!" So three of them left. - Big Dickinson

I've been in jail for less than an hour and I've already been raped twice!

This is the LAST time I play monopoly with my dad

There's a first time for everything

Today I got raped

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.

The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.

The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.

The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

"I saved a girl from getting raped yesterday." "Wow! That's great. How?"

"Pure self-control."

I went to see a therapist today...

I ended up getting raped.

Woman ran into the police station screaming...

"Help! Please help! I've just been Graped!"
The police officer said, "Don't you mean raped?"
She said, "No. There was a bunch of them!"

A nun was out for a walk...

...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to rape her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and raped me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?

Your son is dead...

DEAD serious... about having his funeral tomorrow. He shot himself.

With a water gun! So I drowned him.

Drowned him with love!

That's right, I raped him to death.

Woman: Officer, I have been raped by a clerk!

Officer: How do you know it was a clerk?
Woman: I had to do all the work.

If your a optimist the cup is half full, if you are a pessimist the cup is half empty.

If your a feminist, the cup is being raped

I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times...

This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad

I've been to jail five times and got raped twice

I'm starting to dislike playing Monopoly with my dad.

Sex is like football

it's all fun and games until you get raped.

Did you hear about the guy who was raped by a poltergeist?

He never saw it coming.

What is worse than finding a bug in your salad?

Getting anally raped by a rhinoceros.

I bought a rape whistle recently

So far no one has raped me. I want my money back.

What do you call it when a clown is being raped?

Forced Humor

Bunga Bunga

Two adventurers were captured by a tribe in the jungle.
The chief asked the first one: "Decide your fate: Death or Bunga Bunga"
He answered: "I choose Bunga Bunga" and was raped by the whole tribe.
So the chief asked the second adventurer: "Death or Bunga Bunga".
He answered: "I choose death"
The chief: "Well, so it shall be. Death by Bunga Bunga!"

I've been in prison for only 5 minutes, and I've already been raped.

I hate playing monopoly with my dad

Judge asks prostitute when she realized she had been raped.

She wiped away the tears and said "when the check bounced".

What does a man who just raped 300 million people say after?

We are helping consumers and promoting competition, Mr. Pai said. Broadband providers will have more incentive to build networks, especially to underserved areas.

I've been in jail for 10 minutes and I've already been raped three times...

Guys I really need your help, I just lost my job because I raped a patient.

I really don't know how I'm going to get back into the veterinary business again.

There was a nun walking home to the convent.

She had to pass through a forest. While on the trail, a man jumps from behind the bushes and had is way.
What will you tell the Holy Father now Sister? he asked.
I'll tell him I was walking through the woods when a man jumped from behind the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're tired.

A woman runs into a police station and shouts, "Help, I've been graped!"

The officer on duty replies, "Do you mean raped?"

"No there were a bunch of them"

Credit to Ricky Gervais, his new special is brilliant.

A serial rapist was caught and put on trial

and the prosecutor asked the rapist "What inspired you to do what you did?"

He replied, "Your honor, I couldn't have raped those women because I am gay!"

A look of relief spread across the judge's face and he leaned back contently in his chair... "Finally, some biblical justification to punish you!"

A woman walks into a police station

"help I have been graped" she says

A police officer then says "don't you mean raped?"

The woman then replies "no, there was a bunch of them

Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice...

I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

Last night, I think I was raped by the Michelin Man

But hey, at least he used a rubber.

A prostitute goes to the bank to deposit her earnings

The teller starts flipping through the cash, and realizes it's counterfeited. When she tells the prostitute, the response is "That can't be true. Please look over it again"

"Sorry ma'am, this really *is* counterfeit money"

The prostitute takes a step back and says "Oh my, I've been *raped*!"

I was getting raped last night and I kept calling for help.

Unfortunately, the only person the came was the rapist.

My doctor said I have 12 months to live so I raped him

The judge gave me 40 years, I beat the system

I went to jail for 5 minutes and got beaten 3 times and raped once

I'm never playing monopoly with my dad again

I was raped within the first five minutes of being in jail

That's the last time I play Monopoly with my dad

What do u call a dinosaur on trial for sexual harassment?

A veloci raped her

A female friend of mine told me that i should act more like a knight

So i stopped showering, brushing my teeth and i raped her

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven brutally raped, murdered, and cannibalized Nine. Please stop downplaying what Seven did.

A man is in the confession chamber.

Father - he says - I've sinned.

What have you done, my child? answers the priest.

I raped a kid and I have blasphemed and cursed during the act.

Yeah no wonder, they never stay still.

An optimist, a pessimist and a feminist look at a glass of water

The optimist says: "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says: "The glass is half empty."

The feminist says: "The glass is being raped."

My barrister

You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."

"Ok, I raped and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.

"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"

I was awoken at the middle of the night by a woman bashing at my front door and screaming "help me, help me I've been raped"

After about 5 minutes of this I'd had enough and decided to let her out

I've been in jail for 20 minutes and I've already been raped 3 times...

I should probably stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

Congratulations EU

No news articles about being visited by the truck of peace or your astonishing increase of women being raped yet.

I'm pretty sure that Anakin's mom was Swedish.

Because she was kidnapped and raped by sand people.

A women walks into a police station

She frantically tells the policeman on duty,

"Help, I've been graped!"

The policeman replied,

"Do you mean raped?"

She shakes her head and says,

"No there was a bunch of them"

A grandfather tells his grandchild one of his stories from WW2

Grandfather : "Our squad was once captured by the enemy, half of us were raped, the other half got brutally killed."

Grandchild : "Which half were you part of grandpa' ?"

Grandfather : "Pfft, is that even a question ? Obviously the latter !"

Me: I was raped in jail mom

... Dad's taking Monopoly too seriously

The Judge and the Prostitute

The judge asked the prostitute, "So, when did you realize you were raped?"

The prostitute replied, wiping away her tears, "When the check bounced

An Irishman and a mormon sat next to each other on a plane.

The irishman immediately asked the stewardess for a whiskey. The stewardess served him his whiskey and asked the mormon if he would like a drink too.
The mormon replied that he would rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch his lips.
The irishman hurriedly handed back his whiskey and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."