The Best 24 Ransom Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ransom jokes. There are some ransom terrorists jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ransom bail puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Ransom Jokes and Puns

What type of writing is the most profitable?

A ransom note.

Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live...

But I'm still not paying the ransom.

Why Do Elephants Have Big Ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom!

Ransom joke, Why Do Elephants Have Big Ears?

I got a call telling me my grandma only has a few hours left to live....

but I refuse to pay the ransom.

What type of writing makes the most money?

Ransom notes.


I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel...

...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

ISIS takes Congress hostage

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."

"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Ransom joke, ISIS takes Congress hostage

The GOP gets kidnapped

The kidnappers demand the ransom of 500M USD or they will douse them in gas and light them on fire.

So there were people in the streets collecting donations, and they asked me at an intersection

"You must have heard the news recently. Could you spare a little to help us out in this initiative?"

"How much is everyone giving on average?"

"About a gallon, give or take"

What has 1 thumb and is very important?

A ransom note.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

My dryer kidnapped my socks and held them for ransom

But I refused to comply, and the poor little bastards were forced to reproduce for months. I now have a lifetime supply.

You can explore ransom kidnapper reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ransom congressman dad jokes. There are also ransom puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians , and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations".

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks...

The man replies, "Roughly 2 litres."

EA kidnapped my friend! So I paid the ransom and got him back.

well, most of him anyway.

The prosthetic maker has been kidnapped by a group of thugs

We managed to get him back, but the ransom was an arm and a leg!

Why does the Elephant have Big Ears?

Because Noddy refuses to pay the ransom money.

Ransom joke, Why does the Elephant have Big Ears?

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom...

...but we could only come up with half.

Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US

How was Shirley Temple's kidnapper able to get so much ransom money from her father?

He had him by the short and curlies.


I just got an email with the subject Just $50 to see Justin Bieber Live!

I thought, Why am I supposed to pay the ransom?

Married man goes out whoring. Time gets away from him and at 2 am, he realizes his wife will be angry, so

he calls her on the phone and when she answers he yells: Darling, don't pay the ransom, I got away!

My Aunt Ruth went missing

It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to torture some of them. You could say he was.....

Ruthless

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

If I find out who stole my copy of MS Office, I'll kill you...

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give my MS Office back now that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.

You have my Word!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ransom loans jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ransom blonde ransom piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes