Range Jokes

What are some Range jokes?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's long range missiles.

When is the bible accurate?

When thrown from close range

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"

A Very Nice Golfer

There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.

The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."

They said I would miss my family...

I never miss at close range.

Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range...

But it wasn't his strong suit

I got told off for masturbating at the gun range.

We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip.

I took my kids to the shooting range today.

But they said I had to use the paper targets.

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.

Next the pot is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.

Network administrator

A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.

After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.

"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

Britons vs. Americans

Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby

Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.

Never been to the blindfold shooting range?

You don't know what you're missing.

It would suck to be named Will at a shooting range.

"Fire at will"

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?

Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.

A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse and says he wants to get laid. He sees a pretty girl and asks the owner how much for 30 minutes with her. The owner tells him the price and unfortunately it's way out of his price range. So he asks if there are any cheaper girls available and the owner says that she thinks she can help him. She tells him to head up to room number 11 and the girl will be in bed waiting for him. The man happily agrees, pays his money, and heads up to the room to meet his lady. He enters the room and sure enough there is a girl in bed waiting for him. He quickly does the deed, and as he is leaving he notices some white fluid coming out of her eye and ear. Not wanting to be rude, he just gets dressed and leaves the room. As he is leaving he mentions to the owner that he noticed the girl had something coming out of her eye and ear. The owner, not looking surprised or concerned, then yells into the back "Hey, the dead one's full again!"

The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from Β£50 to Β£150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the Β£150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a Β£150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

Anniversary

For our 2 year anniversary, I decided to get my girlfriend some nice jewelry. When I got to the jeweler, he showed me a beautiful white gold ring, and when he showed me the price, my jaw hit the floor.

He saw that this was way out of my range, and showed me another ring, which was half the price of the first one. I sheepishly asked, "Can you show me something cheaper?".

He looked annoyed, and grabbed a different ring from the display. He showed me the price tag. A small fraction of the second ring. Still not satisfied, I look at the jeweler and ask him "Do you think you could show me something cheaper?"

He shakes his head, turns around, and when he turns back...he hands me a mirror.

My ex still misses me...

Yesterday I narrowly dodged a .22 round discharged at long range.

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!"

The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical!

The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the human body was designed by a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area?"

If you're in an indoor shooting range and it starts burning down, what do you yell to warn everyone ?

The bible is 100% accurate

When thrown at a close range...

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

TIL people with tiny hands can't use an oven or a range...

They can only microwave.

The IT man

One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!

Prince Philip had a car accident and his Range Rover was written off.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it

Before you criticize a gunman you should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you'll be out of range and he'll be barefoot.

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

(edited for multifariousness.)

Starting salary

Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineering graduate said, "In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a brand new BMW?"

The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

How accurate is the Bible?

100% at short range

What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

A Japanese man walked into a shooting range...

And saw a Chinese man, an American man and a British man arguing over who was the better shooter. The Japanese went over to them and suggested that they get into a competition to settle the argument. They all agreed.

The Japanese man took out an apple from his bag, and put it on his head. He said: I am Samurai. I do not fear death. Whoever can shoot this apple from the furthest distance is the best shooter.

The American decided to go first. He walked 50 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the apple. He smiled proudly and said: I am Hunter .

The Japanese man replaced the apple. This time the British man walked 100 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the apple. He smiled proudly and said: I am Bond .

After the Japanese man put another apple on his head, it was the Chinese man's turn. He walked 10 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the Japanese man in the face. As the British and American man looked at him in horror, the Chinese man smiled proudly and said: I am sorry!

What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range?

Router Limits!

A captain is sent to a new company....

A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". After most of the tour is done, the captain notices a camel tied to a post. He asks " What's that camel for?" the sergeant answers " Well the men use to the camel to g.. " The captain interrupts him and says, " I get it, to get rid of stress, that's a bit disgusting if you ask me." The sergeant then brings him to his office, finishing the tour. A few months pass by, and the captain is getting sexually frustrated, he asked the sergeant to bring the camel in his office. He then proceeds to have sex with the camel the best way he could. When he was done he looks at the sergeant, who had a look of surprise in his eyes, and says "What? you never seen any of the men do this before?". The sergeant simply answers " Well, usually the men use the camel to go to town and find a hooker. It's great way to get rid of stress".

I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn't seem to find it, so I asked for directions...

The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, The city of Chicago is the shooting range.

Do cannibals refer to...

Homeless people as Free Range ?

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

[OC] How do americans get to the shooting range?

With the school bus

Do you know..?

In PUBG there are more guns at School than at the shooting range

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a toad walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the toad's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the toad. "Your name is written inside the cover."

A man goes golfing

And he hits the most incredible drive, an absolute rocket. 100 down range a bird flies into the middle of the fairway, gets smoked by the ball and drops down dead. The man walks up to the bird and sees that the ball has gone right through!
This begs the question, is it a birdie or a hole-in-one.

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firing at the designated targets, you know for fun.

"Ahhhh" they remark. Taking a seat, staring at the field ahead of them. Guns on the ground next to them. Puzzled, I ask if they're going to take a few shots at the targets.

"Yes" they reply, "We wait for rabbit to move in front of target".

WalMart's own brand of wine

WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:


10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante


The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).


P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.

Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils.

They're a massage in a bottle

I was arrested yesterday for stealing eggs.

I could've sworn they were free range.

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

Department Store Shopping

A department store in town opened a building, 6 stories high, each floor offering progressively improving quality husbands.

They offered a range of men for sale to women at their discretion.

A woman walked into the store head the banner above the first floor reading, "Nice Guy," impressed as she was, she moved to the second floor.

The second floor's banner read, "Nice guys that love kids." Dumb-founded as she was, she continued on to see what else this store had to offer.

The third floor offered, "Cute guys that loved kids and cuddles." The woman was definitely getting impressed but she was interested to see what else she could find.

The fourth floor of the department store read, "Hot guys, love kids and have money". The girl, in her element, couldn't help but go to the next floor.

The fifth floor read, "Hot guys, love kids, have money, have a nice house and love family." She couldnt help but look at the next floor, where the banner read, "This floor only proves that women can't be pleased, and there is no men for sale on this floor."

For the point of proving points, the same department opened a shop across the road for men, same amount of levels. The first floor read, "Loves sex," and the 2nd floor read, "Pretty and loves sex." Levels 3, 4, 5, and 6 were never visited.

I Was told I would miss my family...

But I never miss at close range

The Cincinnati zoo is putting in a new shooting range for it's employees.

Ooh, sorry I misread that. They are just getting a new gorilla.

A blonde walks into a store

She sees a TV within her price range and tells the salesperson "I'd like to buy this TV"

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

She decides to go home and dye her hair black and returns the next day to buy the TV.

Once again.. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

Desperate for a new TV, she goes home and dyes her hair red.

She enters the store the next day with confidence that she'll finally be able to buy a new TV.

Once again the salesperson told her "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

Not understanding how she could possibly be denied after all she's done, she asks: "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Well, because that's not a TV, that's a microwave."

IKEA made headlines today...

...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases

What word is used to describe a plant's range of emotions?

Chlorofeels

Why did the chicken cross the 38th parallel?

Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far

Did you guys hear about the Alabama senate race? So far the Democrat leads by 8 points.

If the lead goes into the 12-14 range, Roy Moore might want to date it.

My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They're not looking forward to sex ed.

Two cowboys

Riding across the range, they come upon a heifer with her head caught in the fence. Cowboy#1 says "you know I'm getting kind of tired of beating off in the bushes, I think ill take advantage of this situation"

He hops off his horse and goes to the heifer and has sloppy intersperses sexual intercourse.

He finishes and looks up at cowboy#2 and says

''Boy howdy! you want some of this?''

Cowboy#2 proceeds to dismount, take down his breeches, bends over, and stick his head in the fence

LOL

In which mountain range do fruit trees primarily grow?

The Apple-achian mountains.

What's the difference between a shooting range and a school in the US?

You'll find a Safety Officer in the former.

Birthday Joke full funny

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.
" So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

My local grocery store started selling unpasteurized milk...

... They're calling it the "Natural Selection" Range.

My girlfriend said I should work on my foreplay.

But now I'm at the range she won't stop phoning me.

There are three flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?

It's the one on the range.

What do you call a little mountain range?

The Poconos?

There are 3 flys in a kitchen, how do you tell which one is the cowboy?

It's the one on the range.

I was at the firing range when a family walked right into the lanes while people were firing to hang their targets.

That's one family no one will miss.

A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

I find it amusing Americans call it soccer and the English call it football

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it shooting range and the Americans call it school

Disney have brought out a range of George Lucas dolls, complete with realistic features.

They keep selling out.

FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS....

It's Mum not Mom
It's crisps not chips
It's chips not fries
It's football not soccer
It's rugby not football
It's school not shooting range!

What do you get when you put resistance on a stove?

Ohm on the range

military jokes

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

I was banned from the firing range after skeet shooting.

Apparently it is frowned upon to catch the clay pigeons and dispatch them execution-style.

How to make Range jokes?

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