Random Jokes

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
My friend had some random guy come up to him in LAX and tell him this joke. No context, and no conversation afterwards. Just ten words and then gone. It's pretty much become my favorite joke because of that.

I recently started a company that combines Perchloric Acid with random elements...

So far you could say Bismuth is booming.

A blonde goes to the doctor

The blond says: "Doctor, doctor, look! Anywhere I touch myself it hurts!
-she continues to touch random places on her body she even pokes the doctor's nose and still she lets out a groan-
-The Doctor looks at her and thinks to himself and thinks, and then blurs out-
"Your finger is broken"

Why can't Africa have volkswagen beetles?

Because an elephant will screw anything with a trunk in the front.
Thanks to a random guy outside of a 7/11.

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"

An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up.

How do you get down from an elephant??
YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!

My grandpa's favorite joke

A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Quantum humor is so random

Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car. Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replied, No, but I can tell you exactly where I was. Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle. He come back up to Schrodinger and asks, Sir, did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger replied, I do now.

This came to me randomly today; not sure if old, or OC...

How does Hannibal Lecter like his eggs?
Ovaries-y

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"
To which I reply, "7."

A man is looking for inspiration,...

...and decides to open up his Bible to a random passage. He found the passage in which Judas hung himself. "Well, that's no good," the man said to himself, "I'll try again." He then turned to a passage that read, "Go and do likewise."

Green Thumbs

A father and son are walking through a park when the kid asks his dad "dad, why do they say gardeners have green thumbs? they're not green!" The father replies "oh, it's just a saying son... like when some one is caught stealing, we say they have been caught red handed, even though their hands are actually black."
*BUDUMM PAA*
Taken from some random (and clearly Racist) Newspapaer

A Joke about Eastern Kentucky

In my younger years I used to counterfeit money and pass it off as real money. One day, after I made a fake $7 bill, I found a random guy on the street and asked him if he had change for 7 dollars.
"I sure do" the man replies as he hands me $3 and a $4.

At The Nikon Headquarters

We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses
"A focus group?"
d**... JOHNSON THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.
Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".
He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

A Linux Joke

In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string?
Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.

A girl came to me today...

...and told me she will have s**... with me if I advertise some random liquid detergent. Of course I said no, after all I'm a powerful man with high standards. As powerful as the new Ajax detergent, which offers a unique freshness, activated on air contact.

How about a game? You provide a random set up and we provide the punchline (PTP?). Most upvoted wins imaginary internet points.

What do you call a random selection of sailors?

A s**... sample

What do Donald Trump and Pokemon have in common?

The only thing they can say are their name and random bullsh**.

So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church

I really hope I get the m**...

People are like lottery tickets.

You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.

Why did the EU start downloading random stuff to it's computer?

It had freed up one GB of space.

Two random variables were talking in a bar

They thought they were being discrete but I heard them continuously.

Hijack!!!

Everyone in the plane was scared when some random guy screamed "HIJACK!!!"
But everyone calmed down when someone else screamed back "HI JOHN!!!"

An old man sets up three beds in his room...

and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.
The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"
and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"

I've been running around screaming at random people that I've lost my virginity.

I'm starting to regret naming my dog that.

Yesterday, I had a blast roasting this random fat guy in a comedy club

the audience loved it but some said it was a little too spicy for their taste.

Some random guy on the street turned me into a bottle of tequila which rather annoyed me.

I hate when people Patrónize me

A guy shoots a random man on the street.

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

I went on a trip and my girlfriend called. She told me she missed me

So THAT explains why I saw a random bullet hole on my car
Disclaimer: I never actually had a girlfriend to begin with.

I didn't know which board game to buy, so I chose at random...

It was worth taking the risk.

a joke my teacher made in class

teacher:"(generic kid name) this is the forth time i have warned you!"
kid:"did you count how many times you warned me?"
teacher:"no, i just pick a random number and it sounds logical"
this was funnier in class and in Hebrew, i don't expect it to do good here.

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.
And that's just off the top of my head.

An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year

But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names.

What catch phrase do white girls and statisticians share in common?

"That's totally random"

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

What's the best vitamin for friendship?

B1
Shout out to the random guy on the street that told me this joke!

We had random drug testing at work today.

The p**... was my favourite.

What's the difference between oooh and aaah?

2 inches.
Credit goes to the random old lady who told me the joke :p

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and the guy says "Just freakin' try it!" and the waiter asks "Where's the spoon?" and the guy answers "Exactly"

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

My sister was bother my 5 year old niece while she was playing roblox on her iPod

My niece got fed up and said, "You better stop or I'm gonna buy this for real!" *Selects random IAP*

Problems of Bein a non-native English speaker

The problem with being a non native English speaker is, that your brain sometimes just s**... up random words and you then use them later without really having a proper intestinal lining of said words. You just hope you used them correctly.

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

My high school English teacher was so mean!

She would walk around the classroom and stop to ask students random grammar questions. I remember this one time she was walking by my desk and she stopped, pointed at me and said "Quick, name 2 pronouns!"
Startled, I looked at her and replied "who, me?"

There were two fools and one boss

Boss told the fools to go and steal money from a random house.He told them that if the fence is tall then dig under,if the fence is short then jump.
Two hours later the fools came back with empty hands.
Boss asked them:"Where is the money?What happened?"
Fools replied "There was no fence"

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"
The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.
Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?
Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.
Angry guy : What's so funny?!?
Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

Random dirty joke

Girl 1: Hey, that's a nice bike. When you get her?
Girl 2: Her? Did you just assume my bike's gender?
Girl 1: Well I find it hard to believe any guy lets you ride them willingly.

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zooms out, and inverts itself, showing Phil standing under an airplane ."I'm on an airplane!" The pilot of the plane looks out the window and says,
"Weird Flex but okay."

One large woodland creature that can't feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can't feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can't feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can't feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

In 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled "The Pun"

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.
When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: "Why is your script titled 'The Pun' and why is the floor covered with phrases?"
"Because my script is a play on words!"

Sometimes I sit next to random people on the train,strike up a casual conversation then, when the train stops i say "this is where i get off"

Then I stick my hand down my pants.

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference"

Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: Ah i knew you'd get stuck on that

What's the difference between the Chinese Government and a Random Word Generator?

At least a random word generator sometimes tells the truth

Still my funniest joke

A man is hosting a radio program and he wants to call a random person to ask for their favourite song in order to play it on the radio. So the random guy says " well I just want to say that I found a person's wallet on the street" and the host tells him " well do you want to share the owner's name so we can return the wallet?" And the random guy responds " no I just want to dedicate him a song" (sorry for my English I'm Spanish) :)

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?
Me:[screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me [screaming intensifies]

I'm terrified of random letters

Me: I'm terrified of random letters
Therapies: you are?
Me: (screams)
Therapies: oh I see
Me: (screaming intensifies)

I thought about telling you a Covid-19 joke.

But there's 99.62% chance you won't get it.
Thanks random person for the award.

Origin of Canada

The founding fathers of Canada were trying to figure out what to name the country, but they couldnt decide on a name. They figured to put the letters of the alphabet in a hat and draw them at random.
They pulled the first letter out.
C eh?
Then the next one,
N eh?
One more,
D eh? .
C eh N eh D eh?
Canada

Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: You are?
Me: \*screams\*
Therapist: Oh I see.
Me: \*screams louder\*
Therapist: OK! OK!
Me: \*continues to scream\*