Random Jokes

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
My friend had some random guy come up to him in LAX and tell him this joke. No context, and no conversation afterwards. Just ten words and then gone. It's pretty much become my favorite joke because of that.

I recently started a company that combines Perchloric Acid with random elements...

So far you could say Bismuth is booming.

My grandpa's favorite joke

A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

This came to me randomly today; not sure if old, or OC...

How does Hannibal Lecter like his eggs?
Ovaries-y

pH number.

So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"
To which I reply, "7."

Random Sampling

Two men are at a bar. One of them is a pollster. They are arguing about surveys based on random samples.
Finally, the pollster says: If you don't believe in random sampling, the next time you have a blood test, tell the doctor to take it all.

A man is looking for inspiration,...

...and decides to open up his Bible to a random passage. He found the passage in which Judas hung himself. "Well, that's no good," the man said to himself, "I'll try again." He then turned to a passage that read, "Go and do likewise."

A Joke about Eastern Kentucky

In my younger years I used to counterfeit money and pass it off as real money. One day, after I made a fake $7 bill, I found a random guy on the street and asked him if he had change for 7 dollars.
"I sure do" the man replies as he hands me $3 and a $4.

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.
Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".
He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

A man pickpockets a random person and steals her credit card

as the man walks off with the card, he says to himself 'hasta la visa'.

There was a kidnapping at my school today

Don't worry he woke up though
(Sorry if this joke has been said, a certain subsitute in my school just says these random jokes)

How about a game? You provide a random set up and we provide the punchline (PTP?). Most upvoted wins imaginary internet points.

How many Gestapo agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!!!!
Courtesy of my brain throwing up random memories from primary school

My grandfather was often asked how he ended up having 7 children.

He would always respond: "Well, once we figured out what was causing it, we stopped."
(A random post reminded me of my grandfather's joke so I figured I'd share it with you all. Thanks for the laughs!)

Why did the EU start downloading random stuff to it's computer?

It had freed up one GB of space.

An old man sets up three beds in his room...

and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.
The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"
and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"

People with dysgraphia (inability to spell) also tend to answer arithmetical problems in an unpredictable, seemingly random matter.

According to them, you can't spell "calculation" without "luck".

There's a French guy with tourettes syndrome who keeps yelling goodbye at random people.

There's much adieu about nothing.

I've been running around screaming at random people that I've lost my virginity.

I'm starting to regret naming my dog that.

Yesterday, I had a blast roasting this random fat guy in a comedy club

the audience loved it but some said it was a little too spicy for their taste.

Some random guy on the street turned me into a bottle of tequila which rather annoyed me.

I hate when people Patrónize me

A guy shoots a random man on the street.

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

I can't believe that people voted a random celebrity into office...

...I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor? Really?

A doctor was fixing his grammar on medical bills when he noticed something random.

a posture fee.

I went on a trip and my girlfriend called. She told me she missed me

So THAT explains why I saw a random bullet hole on my car
Disclaimer: I never actually had a girlfriend to begin with.

I didn't know which board game to buy, so I chose at random...

It was worth taking the risk.

a joke my teacher made in class

teacher:"(generic kid name) this is the forth time i have warned you!"
kid:"did you count how many times you warned me?"
teacher:"no, i just pick a random number and it sounds logical"
this was funnier in class and in Hebrew, i don't expect it to do good here.

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.
And that's just off the top of my head.

An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year

But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names.

What catch phrase do white girls and statisticians share in common?

"That's totally random"

A guy with an inverted sight boarded a bus to a random location.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

What's the best vitamin for friendship?

B1
Shout out to the random guy on the street that told me this joke!

What's the difference between oooh and aaah?

2 inches.
Credit goes to the random old lady who told me the joke :p

Why do baseball players sleep with random strangers?

Because they like to swing

Never go to a party where a scientist is doing the cooking.

If they're a physicist, everything will come out underdone because they'll have assumed a closed energy system.
If they're a biologist, you'll never actually get to eat anything because they'll insist on first feeding it to the cat, waiting a year, feeding it to your neighbour, and then waiting another year.
And if they're a chemist, they'll follow the recipe perfectly, but insist on doing everything ten times to avoid random error.

H--x--al: What's a five syllable word for colorful characters represented by a group of seemingly random letters?

That's right, *hexadecimal*.

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

Imagine if everyone in the world woke up covered in random bruises...

There would be mass contusion

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

Inexplicably, there are random craft supplies scattered all throughout my living room.

I don't know what to make of it.

Random person: I'm the best designated driver...

Me: hold my beer

My sister was bother my 5 year old niece while she was playing roblox on her iPod

My niece got fed up and said, "You better stop or I'm gonna buy this for real!" *Selects random IAP*

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

My high school English teacher was so mean!

She would walk around the classroom and stop to ask students random grammar questions. I remember this one time she was walking by my desk and she stopped, pointed at me and said "Quick, name 2 pronouns!"
Startled, I looked at her and replied "who, me?"

A man and his cheating wife

The mans wife tries to think of a funny way to tell her husband that's she's cheating on him with his best friend.
John, have you seen Toy Story?
Yeah of course, that's random, why'd you ask? he replies.
She confesses -
Because you've got a friend in me.

There were two fools and one boss

Boss told the fools to go and steal money from a random house.He told them that if the fence is tall then dig under,if the fence is short then jump.
Two hours later the fools came back with empty hands.
Boss asked them:"Where is the money?What happened?"
Fools replied "There was no fence"

A disordered protein is found brutally murdered. It looks like just another random robbery gone wrong.

A cop looks at the scene and laments:
"It's a crime without motif"

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"
The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

The Man Walks Into a Shop and Talks to the Shopkeeper:

- Good day sir, I need a random number generator, can you help me?
- 14

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.
Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?
Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.
Angry guy : What's so funny?!?
Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zooms out, and inverts itself, showing Phil standing under an airplane ."I'm on an airplane!" The pilot of the plane looks out the window and says,
"Weird Flex but okay."