random Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious random puns

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

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I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you know how to fish."

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9/10 people.

Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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A girl came to me today...

...and told me she will have sex with me if I advertise some random liquid detergent. Of course I said no, after all I'm a powerful man with high standards. As powerful as the new Ajax detergent, which offers a unique freshness, activated on air contact.

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A gunman walks into a bar.....

A gunman walks into a bar....

Gunman: Who fucked my wife, show yourself so i can shoot you dead!

Random Voice: Doesn't look like you have enough bullets for that!

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We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

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The internet is an amazing thing.

One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.

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What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

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I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

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The internet is amazing

One minute you're at work looking at random webpages; the next, you're at home looking for a new job

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A Man walked into a bar with a gun

The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!

Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!

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2 Priests stop at a random police checkpoint in the middle of the road...

A police officer tells the driver "We're looking for 2 pedophiles."

The driver says "Just one minute", rolls his window up, and starts arguing intensely with the other priest in the passenger seat.

He rolls his window back down, looks up at the cop and says "Ya, we'd be up for it!"

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When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

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A Linux Joke

In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string?

Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.

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Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:

"I'll have a glass of H2O."

The other then says to his companion:

"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"

The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

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A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

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(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

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People are like lottery tickets.

You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.

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The girl asks her father "what's the difference between theory and reality"?

The father responds "would you fuck a random man for a million dollars"? The daughter replies " well of course"!

Father says "ok go ask your mom the same question".

The girl returns and says "mom said for that much money, definitely".

The father lets out a long sigh, "well sweetheart, here's the difference.. In theory we're millionaires, but in reality I'm living with a couple of whores".

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I see why Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween,

They must dislike random people coming up to their doors.

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H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k

Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge

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Two random variables were talking in a bar

They thought they were being discrete but I heard them continuously.

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Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue commenting as long as this post remains visible! I'll get to them when I can c: this is fun!

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I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me....

I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"

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Jehovas witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people turning up at their doors.

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Blonde wakes up after a one night stand.

She sees some random guy sleeping next to her. Her memory is fuzzy, but she remembers some very passionate sex that took place last night.

She frantically wakes the guy up and asks him if they used any protection. The guy says no, not as far as he can remember.

"Damn" says the blonde, "do you have aids?"

"What? No!" The guy answers.

Blonde, visibly relieved, lays back next to him and says:

"Oh thank God for that. I wouldn't want to catch it again."

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I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

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I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

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Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

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A rural farmer visits his cousin, a librarian at Harvard.

The campus being as big as it is, he finds a random student and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, where's the library at?"

The student is visibly offended and says, "Sir, this is Harvard, we don't end sentences with prepositions!"

The farmer thinks for a bit and replies, "Oh, right. Where's the library at, asshole?"

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Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

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So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church

I really hope I get the missionary position

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My grandpa's favorite joke

A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

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Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

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What are the most funny Random jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Random? Well, here are the best Random dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Random pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes