Rancher Jokes
96 rancher jokes and hilarious rancher puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rancher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these hilarious jokes about ranchers, coyotes, and rodeo from the range to the barn. Enjoy these jokes about the life of ranchers and their mechanic, tasks, and their friends Jolly Rancher, Slime Rancher and more.
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Funniest Rancher Short Jokes
Short rancher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rancher humour may include short cattle ranch jokes also.
- I had a rancher ask me to help him round up his cattle. I asked him how many he has and he stated 99. I said 100, you're welcome!
- "So what kind of work do you do?" "I move cows"
"Oh , so you're a rancher?"
"Not really , I'm a zumba instructor" - What do you do for a living? I herd cattle. Ah, you're a rancher?
No, I'm a Zumba instructor. - Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm? The steaks were getting too high.
- Why did the maniacal chemist drop a rancher into his latest concoction? Because the rancher was a cattlist.
- A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar It takes 3 hours to drive across my land
The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:
I used to have a truck like that. - What do you call Santa after he retires and buys a farm? A Jolly Rancher
- What do you call a happy fruit farmer? a Jolly Rancher.
- In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains. Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.
- How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
Share These Rancher Jokes With Friends
Rancher One Liners
Which rancher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rancher? I can suggest the ones about ranch dressing and cattle farmer.
- What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher!
- If a cowboy is happy… …Does that make him a jolly rancher
- A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows He ended up with 300.
- The rancher had 196 cows But when he rounded them up he had 200
- Why would blondes be bad ranchers? They can't keep their calves together.
- What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy? A jolly rancher.
- What do you call a gay cowboy? A jolly rancher.
- The rancher couldn't keep his hands away from his wife So he fired all of them
- I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule. Guess he just half-assed it.
- What would santa be if he was a farmer? A jolly rancher.
- How does a rancher know which cow to buy? He looks in the cattle-log!
- What do you call a gay farmer? A Jolly Rancher
- What car is a rancher most likely to own? A cattle-ac
- Why wasn't the rancher stressed when his cows had really short legs? The steaks were low.
- What kind of math does a rancher use? Cow-culus
Jolly Rancher Jokes
Here is a list of funny jolly rancher jokes and even better jolly rancher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call Santa Claus working on a farm? A jolly rancher!
TY - What do you call Santa Claus riding a horse? A jolly rancher.
- What do you call Santa Clause's reindeer wranglers? Jolly Ranchers
- What do call someone who takes care of reindeer and really enjoys it? A Jolly Rancher.
- Skittles, SweetTart, Starburst, and Jolly Rancher are all facing class action lawsuits. They are all being charged for descrimination by assuming assignition of flavors to particular colors.
- I just found out that Santa Clause raises livestock in between Christmas... I guess you could call him a Jolly Rancher
- What do you call a gay farmer? Jolly Rancher
Sorry if this is a repost, I'm new and heard this joke from an old friend of mine. - What's the difference between a coconut and a Jolly Rancher? Doesn't matter, your arms are broken.
- My buddy is about to pitch a new flavour to the creators of Jolly Ranchers. I hope he doesn't choke.
- What do you call a Texan who just had s**...? A jolly rancher.
Credit goes to my friend at school.
Cattle Rancher Jokes
Here is a list of funny cattle rancher jokes and even better cattle rancher puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does a procrastinating cattle rancher use to add numbers? A cow kill later.
- Did you hear about the rancher who put 196 cattle out to pasture? When he rounded them up, he had 200.
- How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction? A cattle-list
- A rancher was supposed when his cattle grew up to have really short legs, but he wasn't worried. The steaks were low.
- What didnthey have when the cattle rancher passed away? An Esteak Sale
- Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using h**... as a feed source for cattle. The steaks have never been higher.
- Why wouldn't the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on m**... instead of actual grass? The steaks were too high.
Cheerful Fun Rancher Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about rancher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean farmer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rancher pranks.
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
Why did the rancher get out of the h**...-fed beef market?
The steaks were too high.
A city boy was getting ready to move to the country...
He went a local horse breeder and bought a fine looking horse for a $1000 and told the man he'd be back in a week when he moved in to pick it up.
A week later the city boy drives his brand new truck and horse trailer to the breeder's ranch to pick up the horse.
The rancher says, "Sorry mister, the horse you bought died just yesterday."
The city man thinks about this for a moment and says, "Okay, load it up in the trailer."
"The dead horse?" the rancher asks. "Yep" says the city man.
A month later the rancher sees the city man at the local feed mart and says, "Say, what did you do with that dead horse?".
"I auctioned it off for $5 a ticket. I sold 500 tickets and made $2500 and bought myself an even better horse!" says the man. The rancher says "But what did you do after the drawing?"
"Well, I told the winner that the horse had died and I gave him his $5 back."
Random Drug search
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
VENTRILOQUIST COWBOY
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk) ...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
A rancher and his family have a milk cow...
A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.
One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.
The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.
The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.
The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.
The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.
Again, the son falls short and is killed.
The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.
"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.
"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."
"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"
Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."
"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel...
A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is this all your land?" he asked.
"Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
"You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
"Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
"Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"
"Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."
A Texan was talking to a rancher from Canada...
about the overseas market. The Texan was bragging about his huge herds and the vast amounts of money he was making shipping thousands of heads of cattle overseas every year to the Chinese market.
The Canadian, not wanting to be outdone, shot back, "Yeah? Well I ship that much cattle every month!"
The Texan looked at him for a moment, then smiled as he said, "Well, you got me there then. You clearly are the biggest bull shipper I ever met!"
A farmer went to a neighbor's...
..., and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore t**...?
Because they always get a little hoarse
Ranchers are protesting over round hay bales.
They claim that their horses aren't getting a square meal.
Two Ranchers make a deal.
One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.
They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.
The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"
"My wife is from Ft. Worth."
Why couldn't the rancher keep any of his steers alive?
He was giving them too many antioxidants.
Why do Ranchers hate leg day?
Because they are always raising their calves.
The Texan Rancher and the Kentucky Farmer
A Texas Rancher was driving his truck through Kentucky one day when he sees a farmer out tending his field. He pulls over on a whim to talk to the farmer.
"Greetings friend! This looks like a pretty nice farm. How much land do you have?"
The Farmer gestures, "Well you see that river down yonder? My farm stretches from that river to the rock pile over the next hill."
The Rancher replies, "That is a fair bit of land, but back in Texas I've got so much land I can get into my truck at dawn on one edge of it, drive all morning and still not reach the other side by noon."
The Farmer is thoughtful for a moment and says, "You know, I had a truck like that once."
A rancher runs up to a cowboy...
Rancher: What happened? How did the sheep get loose?
Cowboy: Apparently, she hasn't been doing her Kegel exercises...
I once knew a rancher who was always afraid that his cows will run away
What a cowherd
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...
...no b**....
A guys in a bar turns to another
A rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a rugged old guy with a hat.
He says "I just had the hardest day rounding up my cattle".
The rugged guy responds "oh yeah ? I'm a rancher too. I got a couple hundred acres down by the creek".
The rancher brags "Not bad, not bad, but I can get in my truck in the morning, start driving, and I won't reach the end of my ranch until the next day.
The rugged guy looks at him with pity and says "I feel you, i used to have a truck like that too".
Political Joke
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
