The Best 48 Rancher Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Rancher jokes. There are some rancher cows jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these rancher ranch puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Rancher Jokes and Puns

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

The Montana Department of Employment

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

Why did the rancher get out of the hemp-fed beef market?

The steaks were too high.

Rancher joke, Why did the rancher get out of the hemp-fed beef market?

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher!

Speaking in German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."


What do you call a gay cowboy?

A jolly rancher.

What do you call a gay farmer?

A Jolly Rancher

Rancher joke, What do you call a gay farmer?

A Texan was talking to a rancher from Canada...

about the overseas market. The Texan was bragging about his huge herds and the vast amounts of money he was making shipping thousands of heads of cattle overseas every year to the Chinese market.

The Canadian, not wanting to be outdone, shot back, "Yeah? Well I ship that much cattle every month!"

The Texan looked at him for a moment, then smiled as he said, "Well, you got me there then. You clearly are the biggest bull shipper I ever met!"

What do you call a Texan who just had sex?

A jolly rancher.

Credit goes to my friend at school.

What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy?

A jolly rancher.

What would santa be if he was a farmer?

A jolly rancher.

You can explore rancher rodeo reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean rancher badge dad jokes. There are also rancher puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why did the maniacal chemist drop a rancher into his latest concoction?

Because the rancher was a cattlist.

Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore Throat?

Because they always get a little hoarse

How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction?

A cattle-list

Ranchers are protesting over round hay bales.

They claim that their horses aren't getting a square meal.

What do call someone who takes care of reindeer and really enjoys it?

A Jolly Rancher.

Rancher joke, What do call someone who takes care of reindeer and really enjoys it?

What do you do for a living? I herd cattle.

Ah, you're a rancher?

No, I'm a Zumba instructor.

"So what kind of work do you do?"

"I move cows"

"Oh , so you're a rancher?"

"Not really , I'm a zumba instructor"

I just found out that Santa Clause raises livestock in between Christmas...

I guess you could call him a Jolly Rancher


The rancher had 196 cows

But when he rounded them up he had 200

What do you call Santa Claus working on a farm?

A jolly rancher!

TY

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

What do you call a happy fruit farmer?

a Jolly Rancher.

I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule.

Guess he just half-assed it.

Why wasn't the rancher stressed when his cows had really short legs?

The steaks were low.

What do you call Santa after he retires and buys a farm?

A Jolly Rancher

What do you call Santa Claus riding a horse?

A jolly rancher.

Did you hear about the rancher who put 196 cattle out to pasture?

When he rounded them up, he had 200.

What does a procrastinating cattle rancher use to add numbers?

A cow kill later.

A rancher was supposed when his cattle grew up to have really short legs, but he wasn't worried.

The steaks were low.

The rancher couldn't keep his hands away from his wife

So he fired all of them

Why do Ranchers hate leg day?

Because they are always raising their calves.

A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar

It takes 3 hours to drive across my land

The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:

I used to have a truck like that.

What's the difference between a coconut and a Jolly Rancher?

Doesn't matter, your arms are broken.

Skittles, SweetTart, Starburst, and Jolly Rancher are all facing class action lawsuits.

They are all being charged for descrimination by assuming assignition of flavors to particular colors.

What kind of math does a rancher use?

Cow-culus

What do you call a gay farmer?

Jolly Rancher

Sorry if this is a repost, I'm new and heard this joke from an old friend of mine.

A rancher runs up to a cowboy...

Rancher: What happened? How did the sheep get loose?

Cowboy: Apparently, she hasn't been doing her Kegel exercises...

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

I once knew a rancher who was always afraid that his cows will run away

What a cowherd

Vermont farmer

A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...

...no bullshit.

Political Joke

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have sh*t in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Joe Biden. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

What car is a rancher most likely to own?

A cattle-ac

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

Why wouldn't the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on marijuana instead of actual grass?

The steaks were too high.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the rancher cowgirl jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working rancher cattle piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes