The Best 76 Ranch Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ranch jokes. There are some ranch haul jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ranch cattle puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Ranch Jokes and Puns

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic church.

Oh well...out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

Why did the rancher get out of the hemp-fed beef market?

The steaks were too high.

Ranch joke, Why did the rancher get out of the hemp-fed beef market?

On the day of Michael Jackson's death

The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.

The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"

"I reckon the roller coaster."

A real cowboy?

An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".

She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".

The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

Why shouldn't you look at a cup of ranch?

Because it's still dressing.

Ranch joke, Why shouldn't you look at a cup of ranch?

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

what did the ranch say to the refrigerator?

close the door, I'm dressing!

An American, an Australian and an Irishman are all on a quiz show...

The host asks; "Old MacDonald had a what, and then spell it for me."

The American says; "Old MacDonald had a ranch, R-A-N-C-H," he was incorrect.

The Australian buzzes in and answers; "Old MacDonald had a property, P-R-O-P-E-R-T-Y," he was incorrect.

The Irishman thinks for a a little and finally answers, "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O,"

Did you hear about the new show about a camel on a cow ranch?

It's been called a dairy drama about a dromedary.

You can explore ranch donkeys reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ranch gored dad jokes. There are also ranch puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What does a German say at a Dude Ranch?


A young man visiting a ranch went out walking with... of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

An old Yiddish man goes to the Bunny Ranch.

He says to the madam, "I'm looking for a girl who knows how to do it the Jewish way."

One of girls walks over to him and says, "I'm new here, and I want to learn how to do everything, so if you'll teach me how to do it the Jewish way, I'll give it to you for half price."

The man exclaims, "THAT's the Jewish way!"

What do you call ranch dressing that has gone bad?


If you dress in cowboy clothes does that mean you're ranch dressing?

Ranch joke, If you dress in cowboy clothes does that mean you're ranch dressing?

How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand's touching the little hand.

Jared's favorite dressing on his Subway sandwich is Neverland Ranch.

I'm sorry.

When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

If you're wearing a cowboy outfit...

Does that mean you're ranch dressing?

What is a cowboy's favorite salad dressing?

If you answered "Ranch", you are was a trick question.

Cowboys don't eat salad.

What did they say about the computer at the Bunny Ranch?

It may contain viruses.

Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore Throat?

Because they always get a little hoarse

Why did ranch break up with chicken wings?

Because he blue cheese...

How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction?

A cattle-list

Ranchers are protesting over round hay bales.

They claim that their horses aren't getting a square meal.

What salad dressing does Macaulay Culkin prefer?

Neverland Ranch.

What do Ranch and Men have in common that women don't?...

They don't take forever to get dressed

(Corny. Kek I'll leave)

At my graduation, my friend called me a ranch

Because I be dressing 😏

How big is your ranch ?

- Well, every morning at sunrise, I get in my truck, and start driving, and by the time the time sun sets I still haven't reached the end of my ranch.
- Yeah, I had a truck like that once.

The rancher had 196 cows

But when he rounded them up he had 200

How do you get a sorority girl to go down on you?

Dip it in ranch.

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

NSFW Billy is late for the class

Teacher : Why are you late Billy ?

Billy : Ma'am, I had to take the cows to our neighbour's ranch for insemination.

Teacher : Can't your father do it ?

Billy : He can. But neighbor's bulls do it better.

How did Michael Jackson tell when it was bed time at never never land ranch?

When the big hand touched the little hand.

Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..

The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."

The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...hell, they'll get ya all the way ta town and back!"

Had to stop growing Marijuana around the ranch

The steaks were too high

People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer

You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch

I know a farmer that grows doritos

It's a cool ranch

Why wasn't the rancher stressed when his cows had really short legs?

The steaks were low.

Why did the bottle of ranch scream when the fridge door opened?

He was dressing.

Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..!

Ranch owner: Round them up
Cowboy: Ok 20, then!

Hey girl, are you looking for a stud?

I've got the STD, all I need is U.

Credit goes to Rooster from the Netflix series *The Ranch*

What did the Dorito Farmer say to the other Dorito Farmer?

Cool Ranch

If you dress like a cowboy you are technically ranch dressing.

What did the ranch say when the fridge door was opened?


A rancher was supposed when his cattle grew up to have really short legs, but he wasn't worried.

The steaks were low.


Someone who takes the herd of screws from the ranch to the market.

My son in kindergarten had a party a short while ago where we had to dress up as food.....

Everyone was supposed to dress up as a food and parents were also encouraged to come and dress up.

So I decided to go with my son and I put on my cowboy outfit and I went.

There as i was going in a teacher said "Sir, your supposed to be dressed up as a food"

And so I said, " I am. I'm ranch dressing"

The rancher couldn't keep his hands away from his wife

So he fired all of them

If you put on cowboy clothes,

are you technically, ranch dressing?

Why do Ranchers hate leg day?

Because they are always raising their calves.

What do you call a cowboy getting ready for work?

Ranch dressing.

If you wear cowboy clothes...

are you ranch dressing?

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jared Fogel?

One like little kids on his ranch,

The other likes ranch on his little kids! πŸ™ƒ

Hey girl, do you like ranch?

Because I'd like to see your hidden valley.

Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"...

and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar

It takes 3 hours to drive across my land

The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:

I used to have a truck like that.

TIFU by bringing home a foot long meatball instead of the chicken bacon ranch my wife ordered.

Whoops..wrongs sub.

Why did the ranch scream when someone saw it?

Because it was dressing

(Just made it up a minute ago. don't hate it isn't very good.)

How do kids know when it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

A rancher runs up to a cowboy...

Rancher: What happened? How did the sheep get loose?

Cowboy: Apparently, she hasn't been doing her Kegel exercises...

I was talking to my friend

I was talking to my friend about my recent visit to my grandfather's ranch and was describing my experience there.

I told him that how I had helped my uncle, Jack, off a horse and was rewarded a horse ride for it.

My friend immediately looked at me in disgust and confusion.

Turns out punctuation is very very important for English grammar.

Young Bill

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.

One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion humping one of his mares.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.

He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."

Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"

Man goes to work on a ranch

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'

I used to be a work on a ranch that kept cows and bulls,

but the pay was udderly terribull.

Vermont farmer

A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous... bullshit.

Yo momma so fat...

She use ranch as sunscreen.

What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?

Cool ranch.

(Written by my 9 yo daughter).

Lil Johnny's Sheep

Lil Johnny is walking a sheep through town. The Mayor stops and asks Lil Johnny what he is doing.

"Silly Billy has a boy sheep and I'm taking our girl sheep to his ranch to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.

The mayor thinks this is a bad idea and tells Lil Johnny that this is a job his father would be better off doing.

"Nah," Lil Johnny says, "I've seen dad trying a quite a few times and our sheep hasn't got pregnant yet."

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't.

She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ranch pasture jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ranch farmhouse piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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