Ranch Jokes
126 ranch jokes and hilarious ranch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ranch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
We know you love to laugh, so why not have a few chuckles with these hilarious ranch jokes? From the high-spirited folks at the dude ranch to the surly bull at the cattle ranch - these jokes will have you in stitches! Find out the fate of a lisping donkey at the Hidden Valley Ranch and much more. Get ready to laugh!
Quick Jump To
- Short Ranch Jokes
- Ranch One Liners
- Ranch Dressing Jokes
- Cattle Ranch Jokes
- Dude Ranch Jokes
- Hidden Valley Ranch Jokes
- More Ranch Jokes
Funniest Ranch Short Jokes
Short ranch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ranch humour may include short rural jokes also.
- What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool ranch.
(Written by my 9 yo daughter). - People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch
- Hey girl, are you looking for a stud? I've got the STD, all I need is U.
Credit goes to Rooster from the Netflix series *The Ranch* - Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..! Ranch owner: Round them up
Cowboy: Ok 20, then! - How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch? The big hand's touching the little hand.
- When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand.
- Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool. Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.
- I used to be a work on a ranch that kept cows and bulls, but the pay was udderly terribull.
- Did you hear about the new show about a camel on a cow ranch? It's been called a dairy drama about a dromedary.
- What did the chicken do when he went to the farming convention? He put on ranch dressing.
\[should be original by my son\]
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Ranch One Liners
Which ranch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ranch? I can suggest the ones about rodeo and pasture.
- What did the Dorito Farmer say to the other Dorito Farmer? Cool Ranch
- what did the ranch say to the refrigerator? close the door, I'm dressing!
- If you put on cowboy clothes, are you technically, ranch dressing?
- Why did the gambler buy a cattle ranch? Because he wanted to raise the steaks
- Why shouldn't you look at a cup of ranch? Because it's still dressing.
- If you're wearing a cowboy outfit... Does that mean you're ranch dressing?
- I know a farmer that grows doritos It's a cool ranch
- If you dress in cowboy clothes does that mean you're ranch dressing?
- What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use? Hidden Alley Ranch.
- What do you call a cowboy getting ready for work? Ranch dressing.
- Yo momma so fat... She use ranch as sunscreen.
- Why did the bottle of ranch scream when the fridge door opened? He was dressing.
- If you wear cowboy clothes... are you ranch dressing?
- Screwdriver Someone who takes the herd of screws from the ranch to the market.
- What did the ranch say when the fridge door was opened? SHUT THE DOOR, I'M DRESSING!
Ranch Dressing Jokes
Here is a list of funny ranch dressing jokes and even better ranch dressing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the ranch scream when someone saw it? Because it was dressing
(Just made it up a minute ago. don't hate it isn't very good.) - What salad dressing does Macaulay Culkin prefer? Neverland Ranch.
- At my graduation, my friend called me a ranch Because I be dressing 😏
- What is a cowboy's favorite salad dressing? If you answered "Ranch", you are mistaken...it was a trick question.
Cowboys don't eat salad. - Jared's favorite dressing on his Subway sandwich is Neverland Ranch. I'm sorry.
- If you dress like a cowboy you are technically ranch dressing.
- What do Ranch and Men have in common that women don't?... They don't take forever to get dressed
(Corny. Kek I'll leave) - Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling! - What is Macauly Caulkin's favourite salad dressing? NEVERLAND RANCH
- If you're wearing a cowboy outfit Technically you're ranch dressing.
Cattle Ranch Jokes
Here is a list of funny cattle ranch jokes and even better cattle ranch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus". Because it's where the sun's rays meet.
- What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common? They both involve raising stakes (steaks)
- Fire broke out at a local m**... farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch. The steaks were high
- TIFU by neglecting the fence between our m**... farm and the cattle ranch next door. We're struggling to salvage our crop for harvest this year, and the steaks have never been higher.
- I have so much p**... hair I can start a cattle ranch
Dude Ranch Jokes
Here is a list of funny dude ranch jokes and even better dude ranch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does a German say at a Dude Ranch? AUDI.
Hidden Valley Ranch Jokes
Here is a list of funny hidden valley ranch jokes and even better hidden valley ranch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Hey girl, do you like ranch? Because I'd like to see your hidden valley.
- Chuck Norris found the Hidden Valley Ranch.
Comedy Ranch Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about ranch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cattle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ranch pranks.
I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic church.
Oh well...out of the flying Pan, into the friar.
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
Why did the rancher get out of the h**...-fed beef market?
The steaks were too high.
On the day of Michael Jackson's death
The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.
The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"
"I reckon the roller coaster."
A real cowboy?
An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".
She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".
The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
Scottish man at the ranch
A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".
A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...
it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"
A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"
An American, an Australian and an Irishman are all on a quiz show...
The host asks; "Old MacDonald had a what, and then spell it for me."
The American says; "Old MacDonald had a ranch, R-A-N-C-H," he was incorrect.
The Australian buzzes in and answers; "Old MacDonald had a property, P-R-O-P-E-R-T-Y," he was incorrect.
The Irishman thinks for a a little and finally answers, "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O,"
A young man visiting a ranch went out walking with...
...one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
An old Yiddish man goes to the Bunny Ranch.
He says to the madam, "I'm looking for a girl who knows how to do it the Jewish way."
One of girls walks over to him and says, "I'm new here, and I want to learn how to do everything, so if you'll teach me how to do it the Jewish way, I'll give it to you for half price."
The man exclaims, "THAT's the Jewish way!"
What do you call ranch dressing that has gone bad?
r**...
HUH?
Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch?
He found out it was a 'rough toad to h**....'
Best line a wing girl can give:
Ranch or blue cheese?
Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Netherlands ranch
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Grandma's beating off the Indians but they're still coming.
What did they say about the computer at the Bunny Ranch?
It may contain viruses.
Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore t**...?
Because they always get a little hoarse
Why did ranch break up with chicken wings?
Because he blue cheese...
How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction?
A cattle-list
Ranchers are protesting over round hay bales.
They claim that their horses aren't getting a square meal.
How big is your ranch ?
- Well, every morning at sunrise, I get in my truck, and start driving, and by the time the time sun sets I still haven't reached the end of my ranch.
- Yeah, I had a truck like that once.
The rancher had 196 cows
But when he rounded them up he had 200
How do you get a sorority girl to go down on you?
Dip it in ranch.
Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using h**... as a feed source for cattle.
The steaks have never been higher.
How did Michael Jackson tell when it was bed time at never never land ranch?
When the big hand touched the little hand.
Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..
The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."
The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...h**..., they'll get ya all the way ta town and back!"
Had to stop growing m**... around the ranch
The steaks were too high
What do you call it when a hen raises pigs?
She's a chicken with a bacon ranch
Why wasn't the rancher stressed when his cows had really short legs?
The steaks were low.
A rancher was supposed when his cattle grew up to have really short legs, but he wasn't worried.
The steaks were low.
My son in kindergarten had a party a short while ago where we had to dress up as food.....
Everyone was supposed to dress up as a food and parents were also encouraged to come and dress up.
So I decided to go with my son and I put on my cowboy outfit and I went.
There as i was going in a teacher said "Sir, your supposed to be dressed up as a food"
And so I said, " I am. I'm ranch dressing"
The rancher couldn't keep his hands away from his wife
So he fired all of them
Why do Ranchers hate leg day?
Because they are always raising their calves.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jared Fogel?
One like little kids on his ranch,
The other likes ranch on his little kids! 🙃
Where do salad loving cowboys with celiac disease work?
The Gluten-Free Ranch
Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle j**... a horse"...
and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."
A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar
It takes 3 hours to drive across my land
The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:
I used to have a truck like that.
TIFU by bringing home a foot long meatball instead of the chicken bacon ranch my wife ordered.
Whoops..wrongs sub.
I walked in on my sister with her boyfriends white stuff on her face.
She really loves her ranch.
How do kids know when it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
A rancher runs up to a cowboy...
Rancher: What happened? How did the sheep get loose?
Cowboy: Apparently, she hasn't been doing her Kegel exercises...
I was talking to my friend
I was talking to my friend about my recent visit to my grandfather's ranch and was describing my experience there.
I told him that how I had helped my uncle, Jack, off a horse and was rewarded a horse ride for it.
My friend immediately looked at me in disgust and confusion.
Turns out punctuation is very very important for English grammar.
Young Bill
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.
One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion h**... one of his mares.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."
Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"
Man goes to work on a ranch
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator.
As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...
...no b**....
Lil Johnny's Sheep
Lil Johnny is walking a sheep through town. The Mayor stops and asks Lil Johnny what he is doing.
"Silly Billy has a boy sheep and I'm taking our girl sheep to his ranch to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.
The mayor thinks this is a bad idea and tells Lil Johnny that this is a job his father would be better off doing.
"Nah," Lil Johnny says, "I've seen dad trying a quite a few times and our sheep hasn't got pregnant yet."
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows
He ended up with 300.
