Ranch Jokes
115 ranch jokes and hilarious ranch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ranch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
We know you love to laugh, so why not have a few chuckles with these hilarious ranch jokes? From the high-spirited folks at the dude ranch to the surly bull at the cattle ranch - these jokes will have you in stitches! Find out the fate of a lisping donkey at the Hidden Valley Ranch and much more. Get ready to laugh!
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Funniest Ranch Short Jokes
Short ranch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ranch humour may include short rural jokes also.
- What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool ranch.
(Written by my 9 yo daughter). - People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch
- Hey girl, are you looking for a stud? I've got the STD, all I need is U.
Credit goes to Rooster from the Netflix series *The Ranch* - Cowboy: How many cattle do we have here? 18..! Ranch owner: Round them up
Cowboy: Ok 20, then! - How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch? The big hand's touching the little hand.
- Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool. Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.
- I used to be a work on a ranch that kept cows and bulls, but the pay was udderly terribull.
- Did you hear about the new show about a camel on a cow ranch? It's been called a dairy drama about a dromedary.
- What did the chicken do when he went to the farming convention? He put on ranch dressing.
\[should be original by my son\] - Why did the ranch scream when someone saw it? Because it was dressing
(Just made it up a minute ago. don't hate it isn't very good.)
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Ranch One Liners
Which ranch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ranch? I can suggest the ones about rodeo and pasture.
- what did the ranch say to the refrigerator? close the door, I'm dressing!
- If you put on cowboy clothes, are you technically, ranch dressing?
- Why did the gambler buy a cattle ranch? Because he wanted to raise the steaks
- Why shouldn't you look at a cup of ranch? Because it's still dressing.
- I know a farmer that grows doritos It's a cool ranch
- What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use? Hidden Alley Ranch.
- What do you call a cowboy getting ready for work? Ranch dressing.
- Why did the bottle of ranch scream when the fridge door opened? He was dressing.
- Screwdriver Someone who takes the herd of screws from the ranch to the market.
- What salad dressing does Macaulay Culkin prefer? Neverland Ranch.
- Hey girl, do you like ranch? Because I'd like to see your hidden valley.
- At my graduation, my friend called me a ranch Because I be dressing 😏
- Jared's favorite dressing on his Subway sandwich is Neverland Ranch. I'm sorry.
- Why did ranch break up with chicken wings? Because he blue cheese...
- Where do salad loving cowboys with celiac disease work? The Gluten-Free Ranch
Ranch Dressing Jokes
Here is a list of funny ranch dressing jokes and even better ranch dressing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is a cowboy's favorite salad dressing? If you answered "Ranch", you are mistaken...it was a trick question.
Cowboys don't eat salad. - Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling! - My mom caught me cross dressing. She called me crazy for mixing Ranch and Italian dressing.
- What is a Jedi's favorite salad dressing? Skywalker Ranch.
Cattle Ranch Jokes
Here is a list of funny cattle ranch jokes and even better cattle ranch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus". Because it's where the sun's rays meet.
- What do cattle ranching and an increasingly intense situation have in common? They both involve raising stakes (steaks)
Hidden Valley Ranch Jokes
Here is a list of funny hidden valley ranch jokes and even better hidden valley ranch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chuck Norris found the Hidden Valley Ranch.
Comedy Ranch Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about ranch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cattle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ranch pranks.
I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic church.
Oh well...out of the flying Pan, into the friar.
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rancher dies.
A rancher dies and leaves the ranch to his wife. She, not being able to handle the responsibility of caring for the ranch, is forced to hire a ranch hand. The only available candidate happens to be a gay man, to whom she is fairly prejudiced. But left with no choice, she hires him. It turns out to be a great decision. He's really good. The ranch is well maintained and the animals are happy and healthy. As a reward, she tells him to take the night off. 'Go into town and enjoy yourself,' she says. And so he does. But by midnight, he's still not home.
12:30...
1:00...
1:30... nothing...
2:00 in the morning, he finally walks in the door, and she's waiting for him. She's sitting in an easy chair, by the fireplace. She's got a cigarette in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, sipping it by candlelight. He walks in. She says to him...
'Take off my blouse'
He's a bit taken a back, and quite frankly, a little uncomfortable, but he does it.
'Now, take off my skirt'
Again, he's uncomfortable but, again, he does it.
'Take off my bra.'
Now, he's visibly nervous, but this is his boss, so, he goes ahead and does it.
'Now, take off my p**....'
By this point, he's noticeably upset and uncomfortable, but he does it.
'And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas...
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored
before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . . "Your Badge, show him your Badge!"
On the day of Michael Jackson's death
The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.
The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"
"I reckon the roller coaster."
Two Dollies
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
A real cowboy?
An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".
She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".
The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
Random Drug search
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Scottish man at the ranch
A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".
Pig With a Wooden Leg
A journalist on vacation in Texas is driving on his way to do some sightseeing. Soon, he gets stuck in traffic. After slowly inching his way forward, he decides to take a back road. After getting hopelessly lost, he stops at the nearest ranch to ask for directions. Walking up to the ranch, he is met by a farmer, who is followed by a pig with a wooden leg. At first, the journalist is extremely confused, but then realizes that this could be an interesting new story, and asks the farmer about the pig.
"Oh, him? This here is Orville; he's one helluva pig. See those derricks yonder?" he asks as he points to the horizon, where indeed there are several derricks.
"One day, I was walking, and Orvill starts digging and a digging like crazy. Right after, he done struck oil, made me rich!"
The journalist, writing furiously, stops, with a stunned look.
"WOW! That's amazing! But...why does he have a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "Well, after we were rich, I built me a mansion. We lived really happily, until one day, a fire started! My wife and I got out, but the baby was still inside. Sho' nuff, Orville runs inside and rescues Junior!"
The journalist, amazed, continues scribbling furiously. "That's amazing, what a pig! But...why does he have a wooden leg?"
The farmer looks at him and says,
"Pig like that, ya can't eat in one piece, now, can ya?"
A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...
it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"
A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"
An American, an Australian and an Irishman are all on a quiz show...
The host asks; "Old MacDonald had a what, and then spell it for me."
The American says; "Old MacDonald had a ranch, R-A-N-C-H," he was incorrect.
The Australian buzzes in and answers; "Old MacDonald had a property, P-R-O-P-E-R-T-Y," he was incorrect.
The Irishman thinks for a a little and finally answers, "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O,"
After the Texan wedding ...
... the newlywed cowboy rides home with his bride. It's a long way back to his ranch, and the horse has to carry both him and his bride, so it stumbles, nearly throwing off the two riders. The cowboy calmly straightens up the reins, waits for the horse to gather and says nothing, except, very calmly:
"One."
Further down the way, a small pile of dirt let the horse stumble again, and again without being fazed in any way, the cowboy lets the horse get up without a word, except a calm:
"Two."
As the sun goes down over the prairie, they are near the ranch. The horse, overlooking a root, stumbles a third time. Calmly, the cowboy says:
"Three."
He gets off the horse, helps off his bride, takes his gun and shoots the horse. His bride is shocked! "How could you, you monster! This poor beast carried us all the way and you shoot it in cold blood! Had I known this, I'd never have married you!"
"One."
A young man visiting a ranch went out walking with...
...one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
I'm opening a ranch for battered children...
Because I ran out of honey mustard
An old Yiddish man goes to the Bunny Ranch.
He says to the madam, "I'm looking for a girl who knows how to do it the Jewish way."
One of girls walks over to him and says, "I'm new here, and I want to learn how to do everything, so if you'll teach me how to do it the Jewish way, I'll give it to you for half price."
The man exclaims, "THAT's the Jewish way!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call ranch dressing that has gone bad?
r**...
A police officer stops at a local ranch
He talks with the old rancher, and tells him." I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs".
The rancher says, " OKay, but do not go in that field over there," as he is pointing out the location the police officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me".
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, and proudly displays it to the rancher.
" See the badge old man? this badge means I am allowed to go on any land ... have I made myself clear".
The rancher apologizes, nods and goes about his chores.
A short time later the old rancher hears loud screaming,
looks up and sees the police officer running in front of the farmers Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the officer makes the bull gains two, only seconds before the bull reaches him.
The rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells.
"Your badge, Show him your badge!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
HUH?
Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch?
He found out it was a 'rough toad to h**....'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A white doctor in Africa
It's a white doctor in an african village. One day, a horde of African men came to his office and said:
" Doc, we respect you, but we saw that many women started having white babies!"
The doctor laughed and replied: "Oh no! it's not what you think it is! you see, in my ranch I have a lot of white horses and they sometimes have black offspring, nothing unatural!"
The black men looked at eachother, feeling embarrassed.
"Ok doc, we will forget about the women if you forget about the horses."
I call my car's engine The Ranch
It's where 120 horses live.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have so much p**... hair
I can start a cattle ranch
Best line a wing girl can give:
Ranch or blue cheese?
Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Netherlands ranch
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
What did they say about the computer at the Bunny Ranch?
It may contain viruses.
Two sisters inherit a ranch...
Two sisters, a blonde and brunette just inherited a ranch. They thought that the ranch looked a little empty so they wanted to buy a bull, and together they had $500 to spend. The brunette found an ad in the paper that had a healthy bull for sale for $499, and together they decide to buy him. The brunette then goes off to inspect the bull and after being satisfied with the bull, the brunette needed her sister to come pick the animal up. She had to send a telegram to her sister telling her to come with a trailer to get the bull. The telegrams cost $1 per word. The brunette thinks for a minute and decides on the word comfortable. The telegram guy asked "Why comfortable?" "Because my sisters a blonde and she will read it slow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Do Ranchers Love Getting A Sore t**...?
Because they always get a little hoarse
How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction?
A cattle-list
Why did the rancher send his hen after Margret Thatcher?
He wanted to see a chicken catch a Tory.
Ranchers are protesting over round hay bales.
They claim that their horses aren't getting a square meal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Ranch and Men have in common that women don't?...
They don't take forever to get dressed
(Corny. Kek I'll leave)
How big is your ranch ?
- Well, every morning at sunrise, I get in my truck, and start driving, and by the time the time sun sets I still haven't reached the end of my ranch.
- Yeah, I had a truck like that once.
What name did the rancher give to the bad deer?
Bambi-no!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using h**... as a feed source for cattle.
The steaks have never been higher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..
The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."
The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...h**..., they'll get ya all the way ta town and back!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Had to stop growing m**... around the ranch
The steaks were too high
What do you call it when a hen raises pigs?
She's a chicken with a bacon ranch
Why wasn't the rancher stressed when his cows had really short legs?
The steaks were low.
Why couldn't the rancher keep any of his steers alive?
He was giving them too many antioxidants.
A Texan in Scotland
A Texan is touring Europe and he ends up in a Scottish pub sitting across from an older Scotsman. As Texans tend to do, he starts bragging about how big everything is in Texas.
Down on my ranch outside Dallas, I can walk out my front door at sunrise, get in my big ol' Cadillac, start 'er on up, put my boot flat down on the gas, and when the sun goes down, I still ain't reached my front gates.
The Scotsman takes a big swing of his stout, and says,
Ach, aye. I had a car like that once, too!
My son in kindergarten had a party a short while ago where we had to dress up as food.....
Everyone was supposed to dress up as a food and parents were also encouraged to come and dress up.
So I decided to go with my son and I put on my cowboy outfit and I went.
There as i was going in a teacher said "Sir, your supposed to be dressed up as a food"
And so I said, " I am. I'm ranch dressing"
The rancher couldn't keep his hands away from his wife
So he fired all of them
Why do Ranchers hate leg day?
Because they are always raising their calves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jared Fogel?
One like little kids on his ranch,
The other likes ranch on his little kids! 🙃
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle j**... a horse"...
and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."
I have a philly on my horse ranch that is nocturnal.
When she grows up, she's going to be a real nightmare.
A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar
It takes 3 hours to drive across my land
The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:
I used to have a truck like that.
I walked in on my sister with her boyfriends white stuff on her face.
She really loves her ranch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
...blonde working in a ranch.
* **blonde:* * I don't like the *coworkers*!
A rancher runs up to a cowboy...
Rancher: What happened? How did the sheep get loose?
Cowboy: Apparently, she hasn't been doing her Kegel exercises...
I was talking to my friend
I was talking to my friend about my recent visit to my grandfather's ranch and was describing my experience there.
I told him that how I had helped my uncle, Jack, off a horse and was rewarded a horse ride for it.
My friend immediately looked at me in disgust and confusion.
Turns out punctuation is very very important for English grammar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Young Bill
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.
One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion h**... one of his mares.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."
Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"
Vermont farmer
A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a truck like that once"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...
...no b**....
Lil Johnny's Sheep
Lil Johnny is walking a sheep through town. The Mayor stops and asks Lil Johnny what he is doing.
"Silly Billy has a boy sheep and I'm taking our girl sheep to his ranch to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.
The mayor thinks this is a bad idea and tells Lil Johnny that this is a job his father would be better off doing.
"Nah," Lil Johnny says, "I've seen dad trying a quite a few times and our sheep hasn't got pregnant yet."
My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
