Ran Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ran jokes. Read ran raced jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) that will make you laugh out loud.

Enjoy this list of puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ran sped puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Charming Humor Ran Jokes with Loads of Fun

I was b**... this h**... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

jokes about ran

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…

How tall is a Penguin, this tall?

No, they're much shorter than that , he answers.

He looks to the man at his left- How tall is a penguin, this tall?

Nowhere near that tall! , says the other man.

The man puts his head in his hands.

The bartender, witnessing all of this asks the man Everything okay, Sir?

The man responds No, I just ran over a Nun .

A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!

The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

You can explore ran drove reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ran runner dad jokes. There are also ran puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic

Until Bush did 9:11

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

I saw two blind men fighting

And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

I went to a restaurant.

It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she'd show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

Locked in her basement

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....

One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"

So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.

Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.

My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Hickory Dickory Dock

Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.

Yet the woman wed the second man.

Because no matter how g**... you pictured him to be...

The first man was just a little grocer.

I was about to smoke w**... with a couple cute Mexican girls...

I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

I saw two blind people fighting...

and I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" They both ran away.

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.

Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.

* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *

You can't run through a camp ground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

Two cheese trucks ran into each other

De brie was everywhere.

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"

Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

s**... after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

`"Try it now,'' said the bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''

"BP,'' answered the bee.

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...

"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.

I'm just living on borrowed thyme.

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

Today I saw two blind people fighting...

Today I saw two blind people fighting... Then I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with a knife!" They both ran away.

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

Yo mama so fat

I swerved to miss her and ran out of gas

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

Saw two blind people fighting today.

I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

Two blondes in a helicopter

Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"

The neighbors hate us.

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

I ran 3 miles yesterday

Eventually I just said here keep your purse

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster .

Suite yourself he said. The chickens are out back

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

If you run into an a**... in the morning, you ran into an a**....

If you run into a**... all day, you're the a**....

I just ran over my dog.

April fools! I don't know whose dog it was.

Chuck Norris had a nightmare

The nightmare ran into its moms room crying

I was gonna smoke w**... with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

Policeman: How could you kill...

...69 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.

"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."

"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.

"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

You cannot RUN through a campsite, you can only RAN through a campsite.

Because it's past tents

Doctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium.

Me: 0mg

Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a s**.... The other two couldn't reach.

A bit rapey.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

Guess what came in the mail today

I did, I ran out of tissue.

"I know what you have been s**... on"

My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.

At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.

I ran into the back of a dwarf's car. He said he wasn't happy.

I said "Well which one are you?"

Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Two drunk friends were talking in a bar.

Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?

Man 1: Since yesterday.

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

Is it I 'ran' through the campground?

Or...I 'run' through the campground?

Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.

Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans

But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

Last night I dated a blind woman

At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.

I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...

There's no way the kid could take on all three of us

My wife was giving a speech at her parents' wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I'll never hear the end of it.

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden...

I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was b**... my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.

He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

Guy: Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

Guy 2: And since when is Mike your best friend?

Guy: Yesterday.

Did you know it's impossible to run in a campground?

You can only ran, it's past tents.

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

Remember that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes that make girls laugh. Many of the ran rode puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When a joke goes too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke becomes inappropriate.

We suggest you to use only working ran fell piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and make them laugh.

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