Ran Jokes
144 ran jokes and hilarious ran puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ran that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ran Short Jokes
Short ran jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ran humour may include short drove jokes also.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
- I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold. I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
- I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"
Then they both ran away - I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away - My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks. Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
- Hickory Dickory Dock Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.
- I saw two blind people fighting... and I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" They both ran away.
- Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
- Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark. Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?
Me: Since yesterday. - I ran over 2 Miles yesterday Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.
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Ran One Liners
Which ran one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ran? I can suggest the ones about runner and sped.
- You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tent.
- Two cheese trucks ran into each other De brie was everywhere.
- Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects? He shot himself.
- I ran 3 miles yesterday Eventually I just said here keep your purse
- I just ran over my dog. April fools! I don't know whose dog it was.
- Chuck Norris had a nightmare The nightmare ran into its moms room crying
- Guess what came in the mail today I did, I ran out of tissue.
- I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar Almost made me puma pants
- What did Trump say when dracula ran away with his things? STOP THE COUNT!
- I had a contractor joke... But I ran out of material.
- What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
- An English bloke's gold ran away.. "A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.
- I ran into an old friend the other evening. Should have had the headlights fixed.
- My best friend ran away with my wife.... I miss him.
- I recently ran a ½ marathon. Sounds better than I quit ½ way.
Ran Aground Jokes
Here is a list of funny ran aground jokes and even better ran aground puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the storm say to the ship that ran aground? Ha, get wrecked
- Experimental sail boat ran aground at 50mph Sails went through the roof
Charming Humor Ran Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about ran you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean flash jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ran pranks.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...
"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"
The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…
I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…
How tall is a Penguin, this tall?
No, they're much shorter than that , he answers.
He looks to the man at his left- How tall is a penguin, this tall?
Nowhere near that tall! , says the other man.
The man puts his head in his hands.
The bartender, witnessing all of this asks the man Everything okay, Sir?
The man responds No, I just ran over a Nun .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"With who?"
"Thomas."
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
"The neighbors hate us."
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.
The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how g**... you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was about to smoke w**... with a couple cute Mexican girls...
I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?
I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...
"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"
The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?
He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.
In a fit of rage, a friend of mine ran over a pedestrian with his electric car.
He will be charged with battery.
Two blondes in a helicopter
Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"
I saw two blind guys fist fighting,
I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.
A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster .
Suite yourself he said. The chickens are out back
A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here
Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million
I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath
Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you run into an a**... in the morning, you ran into an a**....
If you run into a**... all day, you're the a**....
Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"
A bit rapey.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I know what you have been s**... on"
My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.
A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Two drunk friends were talking in a bar.
Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday.
Is it I 'ran' through the campground?
Or...I 'run' through the campground?
Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...
So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
Last night I dated a blind woman
At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.
I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...
There's no way the kid could take on all three of us
My wife was giving a speech at her parents' wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.
Now I'll never hear the end of it.
I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden...
I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was b**... my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )
My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:
"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"
"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."
"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."
Noah and the snakes
According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.
The snakes told Noah We can't multiply, we're adders.
Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and built a platform for the snakes. Even adders can multiply when given a log table.
You might have to be older than me to understand this. People on reddit who are older than me are rare, but they exist.
The saddest joke I've heard
My wife ran off with my best friend...
Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.
A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.
The next day he pooped his pants.
A German man was crossing the border into France...
The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."
Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.
We got it off her eventually
A child and Human Origin
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.
A little confused he asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"
I ran my car into a pole late last night
The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby
She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.
The police were called to a female gym...
The female manager ran out to greet the two male officers as they exited their vehicle.
Please, come quickly. She said in horror, We've found a peep hole drilled into the changing room. Some pervert has been watching us!
Don't worry, the policeman said reassuringly, We'll track down the suspect right away. Please tell all the ladies to go back to their exercising. There's nothing to worry about anymore.
The gym manager nodded, relieved, And what about the hole in the wall?
Rest assured The other police officer said, We'll be looking into it
