Raises Jokes

Following is our collection of hurls humor and fundraiser one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Raises puns for adults, dirty puts jokes or clean torso gags for kids.

There is an abundance of eyebrow jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 75 funniest jokes on raises. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any wordy witze you can hear about raises.

The Best jokes about Raises

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?

One student raises their hand,

The cheetah is faster dandelion.

So a Lecturer tells a joke in the class. . .

. . .and then one of the students raises his hand and says "but sir you told that joke last year" the lecturer replies "if you can repeat things then so can I"

Remeber when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...

"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."

Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."

And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

a teacher asks students

Teacher asks students to tell about their dreams, one of them raises his hands and says: 'my dream is to get 100 thousands dollars monthly like my father'.
teacher got shocked, 'does your father get 100 thousands dollars monthly?' teacher says.
student replies: 'no, my father dreams too'.

(sorry for my English)

A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..

She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."

This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "

The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now when you talk about Botox no one raises an eyebrow

A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"

The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"

The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"

The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little fucker!'"

Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already...

Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. "To the class of '55!" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, "To the class of '55!"

"Where you from?" asks the first man of the second after they both toast.

"I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."

"You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"

The two men drink to their hometown.

"What high school did you go to?" Ask the second man as he orders them another round.

"St Ignaius on Lombard Street."

"You're kidding me, I went to St Ignaius!" The two toast the coincidence and sling an arm over each other's shoulders as they begin to fondly reminisce about the old days.

A bar regular walks in and calls out to the bartender, "Hey Steve, what's going on?"

"Oh nothing," Steve replies, "The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Little Johnny... Finding Jesus

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing

and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie.
The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swims up and gobbles the ball, a hawk comes flying in from the sky and swoops up the fish. Over the green, the bird lets go of the fish, who slams against the ground. letting the ball go... which rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, quit showing off."

I think the $250 million we spent on bombs for Syria would have been better going to schools in our own country

Then there wouldn't be any teachers left to give raises to.

It's the first day for a fraternity...

It's the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women's dorms past eight o'clock at night, it's fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.

One pledge raises his hand and asks, How much for a season pass?

The Ballerina

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL HITLER WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a napkin and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

A grandfather takes his grandson hunting for the first time

They are on the look-out when a young deer appears in the middle of the clearing, the little one raises his rifle but his grandfather stops him saying "that one is too young, let's wait a bit more".

They wait, and a magnificent deer in the prime of his years struts into the clearing and the young lad raises his rifle again. Again the grandfather stops him and explains "we need strong young deer to keep the population healthy."

They continue to wait and eventually a scraggly little thing covered in scars, with only three legs and missing an eye stumbles onto the clearing. The grandson looks questioningly at his grandfather asking "Is this one ok?" -"Yes, we always shoot at that one!"

Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten

Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the other two flew away when they heard the sound of the gunshot;" to which the teacher replies "No, Johnny, the answer is actually two, but I like the way you think." So then Johnny asks if he can pose a question to the teacher. She agrees to answer Johnny's question.

Johnny says, "There are three women sitting on a park bench, eating popsicles. The first woman is just looking at the popsicle, not really paying it any mind. The second woman is biting the popsicle, taking off large chunks at a time. The third woman is slowly sucking on the popsicle, moving it in and out of her mouth, slowly and rhythmically. Which woman is married?"

The teacher blushes and says "Well, if I have to guess, I suppose it would be the third woman."

Johnny says, "Actually, it's the woman with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

A plane crashes in a city, and a crowd gathers to identify the dead

There is a man facing the crowd, holding up body parts for identification. He raises an arm, and a woman in the crowd starts sobbing. She calls out that this was her husbands arm, she recognized the watch she bought for their anniversary. The man at the front holds up a leg, and a man cries out that this was his wife's leg, he recognizes the shoe. The man holds up a head, and a polish woman calls out, "he looks like my husband, but he wasn't that tall"

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

Vow of Silence

Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.

The first seven years go by and he whispers, "Cold floors..."

The next seven years go by and he whispers, "Bad food..."

Seven more years go by and he croaks, "I quit!"

The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you joined."

The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...

They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.

The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."

Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get Narnia united."

There's a pause so they all look at Cecil. He raises his eyes from his drink and quietly says, "Oh yeah? You have no idea what I went through just to get a cavity filled."

A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas

The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:

"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"

Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:

"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. Why is that?" Little Suzy responds:

"Because I'm a 49ers fan!"

"A 49ers fan?," the teacher asks incredulously, "Why on Earth are you a 49ers fan?"

"Because my Mommy is a 49ers fan, my Daddy is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan."

The teacher doesn't like Suzy's answer:

"Little Suzy, that's no kind of logic. What if your Daddy was a drug dealer and your Mommy was a prostitute?"

Suzy doesn't blink an eye:

"Well then I'd be a Raiders fan!"

A man Is wandering in the desert

He is lost with no food or water, and is starving. He assumes quite rightly that he is going to die.
However just then he sees a church off in the distance. He sprints for it and inside he gets down on his knees and prays for food. *PLOP* A lump of meat appears before him.
He wolfs the food down. It is tastier than anything he's ever had before.
He raises his hands to the sky and looks up and is about to give his thanks to God, when he sees......... a leper, painting the ceiling.

Great Minds...

A teacher says to her classroom: "There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. You shoot one of the birds...how many birds are left?"

Kid raises his hand and says "None...if you shoot one of the birds, the noise will scare the other two and they'll fly away" The teacher says, "Well that's not the answer we're looking for but I like the way you think!". The kid replies: "Hey Teach, I've got one for you: Three women are sitting on a park bench, all eating Popsicles. The 1st one is licking hers, the 2nd one is sucking hers, and the 3rd one is biting hers...Which one is married?"

The teacher replies "I don't know: The one that's sucking hers?", and the kid replies "No: The one with the wedding band, but I like the way you think too!"

Teacher asks the class, "What part of your body can grow as much as six times its normal size?"

No one answers, so she asks Tiffany in the front row if she knows the answer. Tiffany blushes, giggles, and covers her face with her hands.

Heather in the desk behind raises her hand and says, "The pupil, miss. The pupil may grow as much as six times its normal size."

"Correct" says the teacher. "And, Tiffany, I have three comments for you. 1. You have a dirty, filthy mind. 2. You haven't been doing your homework, and 3. You are in for a lifetime of bitter disappointment."

A scientist runs into an AA meeting...

...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

My brother told me this. Feels like it belongs here.

A grammar teacher was lecturing his students on double negatives. He explains, "In some languages, take English, for example, if you were to use double negatives, it is the equivalent of a positive. It isn't considered proper grammar for that reason."

A student raises his hand. "Like in Algebra?"

"Exactly. However, in other languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. For those of you who are curious, there is no language where a double positive equals a negative."

A student piped up in the back. "Yeah, right."

Little Johnny is in Sunday School,

and little Mary Margaret in the front row pipes up, "Sister Jean, what part of our body gets to heaven first?"

And the sister Jean smiles and asks, "Well what do you think, class? What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Tommy raises his hand, "I think it's your hands, 'cuz that's what you pray with."

"Oh lovely, Thomas." says sister Jean

Then little Mary Margaret chimes in again "I think it's your heart, 'cuz that's where Jesus lives"

Sister Jean clutches her chest, "Beautiful, dear."

But then Johnny shouts, "It's your LEGS!"

Sister Jean looks stunned, "Your legs, John? Why?!"

"Last night I went in my mommy and daddy's room, and mommy was on the bed, with her legs in the air going 'OH GOD, I'M COMING!'"

A boy is sitting in class learning about logarithms

The teacher asks the class, "how do we change bases?"

The boy excitedly raises his hand and says, "ask her nicely"

Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....

And before he could say 'fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....And before he could say 'fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

At a conference for the arcane and supernatural...

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!

Donald Trump Tragedy

Donald Trump visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident".

Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Donald Trump says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."

Donald Trump says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says and says, "If you were on a plane and it blew up."

Then Donald Trump says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

Brian raises his hand and says, He's in Heaven.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, Where is Jesus today?
Brian raises his hand and says, He's in Heaven.

Susan answers, He's in my heart.

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, He's in our bathroom!

The teacher is surprised by this answer and asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

Well, Little Johnny says, every morning, my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'

A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."

Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.

There's a sexy new teacher at school

In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.

'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'

Miss Campbell blushes and yells:


Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:

'Not you... the others!'

Black Testicles

An older man is in the hospital. A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?" The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?" So he asks again "Are my testicles black?" Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in hand, lifts and inspect them. She lowers his robe, raises back up to him and says " Mr. Johnson, you'll be happy to hear your testicles aren't black." He looks at her, removing his oxygen mask and says, "That's great and all but are my test results back?"

Little Johnny

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.

Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.

Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?

Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'

Plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject

Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow

A commissar goes to a collective farm...

... And hails a farmer to ask about how his village's farms are doing.

The farmer says "Oh Comrade Commissar, if we stacked all the potatoes in a pile, it would reach the foot of God!"

The commissar raises an eyebrow and says "Comrade farmer, we live in the USSR. There is no god."

The farmer replied: "That's okay, there are no potatoes either."

Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party

Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.

Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet I can still walk on the water." Jesus steps on the lake and sinks immediately. He tries six more times, and each one is a failure. Finally, Jesus, soaking wet, sits on the bank of the lake and says, "I just don't get it. You were able to perform your miracle with ease. Why can't I?"

Moses replies, "I bet it has something to do with the holes in your feet."

A teacher is working on word problems with her students

A teacher is working on word problems with her students and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy replies, "no, it's the one wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you think."

So this Roman guy...

This Roman guy walks into a Tavern, raises two fingers and yells, 'five beers please!'


A professor tells the class that they will be performing an experiment the next day. When the students get to class, they see the professor with a large glass vase, some large rocks, some small pebbles, and some sand. The students all get seated, and the professor begins the experiment. He fills the vase with the rocks and says, "How many of you says this is full?" When half the class raises his hand, he nods, and then pours in the pebbles. "Now how many of you says this is full?" When no one else raises their hand he adds the sand and repeats the previous question. The rest of the class raises their hands. The professor then sits down to begin the rest of the class, when a student walks up with a bottle of booze that was in his backpack. He pours the booze in the vase and says to the professor "Now what does this teach you?" When the professor didn't answer the student said "There's always room for beer."

A teacher asks her students to tell her an interesting hobby or skill that their dad can do...

Little Mary raises her hand and says, My dad can build a ship inside of a bottle!

That's really interesting Mary, says the teacher. How about you Billy, what can your dad do?

Billy replies, My dad can carve any animal out of wood!

That's an amazing skill Billy, replied the teacher. How about little Johnny? What can your dad do?

My dad eats light bulbs ! said little Johnny

Eats light bulbs? Can you explain what you mean? asked the teacher.

Well, I was in bed last night and I heard my dad say to my mom, if you turn the light out I'll eat it.

A nuclear physicist is drinking at Oktoberfest...

He approaches the bar to and calls over a barman. The barman asks what he would like, and the physicist raises one finger and says,

"Ein Stein".

This woman walks into a bar.

She has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down raises her arm and says,"Bartender I would like a drink."
Theres an old drunk sitting next to her.
Slurring he says,"Barkeep I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts,drinks it,raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says,"Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants"
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says,"Sir that nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers ,"Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."

So a bear walks into a bar...

the bartender asks him what he'd like to drink. the bear replies "i'll have a rum............................................................and coke"

the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"

the bear raises his paws to the bartender's face and yells "HELLO?! I'M A BEAR"

A teacher asks her young students a question..

A teacher asks her young students a problem solving question.
She says, "Ok students, there are 6 birds sitting on a fence. If you shot at 4 of them how many would be left?"
Timmy raises his hand and says "None. The sound of the shot would have scared them all away."
The teacher replies, "the answer I was looking for was 2, but I like the way you're thinking."
Timmy says "ok now I have a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first woman only licks the top of the ice cream. The second licks the top all the way down the sides and back up again. And the third woman takes the whole ice cream cone into her mouth until the top of the ice cream hits the back of her throat. My questions is: which one of these women is married?"
The teacher thinks for a second and says "the one who puts the whole thing in her mouth."
Timmy replies, "Actually, it's the woman wearing the wedding ring. But I like the way you're thinking."

Formula for water

Chemical formula for water

The teacher asked, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
A student raises his hand and answers, "HIJKLMNO!"
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on earth are you talking about?"
Student answers, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

Jesus and Moses by the beach

Jesus and Moses were hanging out by the beach just talking about the good old times. Jesus turns to Moses and asks him. "Hey Moses, can you still part the seas with that staff of yours?" Moses replies, "I haven't done it in a long time but I can try." Moses raises his staff and parts the sea. Jesus was amazed. Moses now turns to Jesus and asks him... "Hey Jesus, can you still walk on water?" Jesus replies... "Yeah I think I can". Jesus starts to walk on water and sinks, so he tries again, and completely fails and sinks once more. After multiple attempts and failures Jesus turns to Moses and says..." AH! That's right. I have holes on my feet."

At the Last Supper...

[At Last Supper]

*Jesus raises bread*
"This is my body!"
*Jesus raises wine*
"And this is my blood!"
*Pulls out 9 of Clubs*
"And this is your card"
*Apostles go nuts*

Police officer

A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver
Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver:" Nope"
Police: "Can I see your Licence?"
Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired"
*The officer raises an eyebrow*
Officer: "Can I see your Registration"
Driver: "You don't want to do that, this car is actually stolen"
* The officer begins to tense*
Officer: "Open up your trunk!"
Driver: "you definitely don't want to do that, there is a dead hooker in there"

The police officer calls back up. 5 policemen approach and search the car. They find no dead hooker, the car isn't stolen and the licence isn't expired.

One of the officers approaches the driver and says: "Sorry sir, there seemed to be a mistake. One of the officers said that you stole a car with an expired licence and killed a hooker."

Driver: "Yeah, I bet he told you I was speeding too"

A bodybuilder sees a group of beautiful women flocking around a skinny guy at the gym one day...

The bodybuilder is baffled. He asks his friend: "What the hell do they see in that wimp?"

"I hear he can bench press a hundred pounds," says the friend.

"A hundred pounds?!?" The bodybuilder snorts. "Hell, I can bench press over three hundred and fifty!!"

The friend raises an eyebrow. "With your tongue?"

A preacher at a church in Chicago...

...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" One person slowly raises their hand. Then another and then another. Soon, everyone has raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me begin my sermon on lying."

Little Timmy's english lesson...

...was about food today.

"Good morning class" says the teacher, "today's lesson is about food! Let's start by mentioning things we can eat. Come on kids."

Sally raises her arm "bread!"

"Very good, Sally!" Says the teacher.

"Cornflakes!" says Billy.

"Good one, cornflakes! Anyone else?"

Timmy raises his hand and yells "Lamps!'

The teacher pauses for a moment, confused: "Lamps? You can't eat lamps, what made you think that?"

Timmy: "well last night I was walking past my parent's bedroom and I heard my dad say to my mom: turn off the lamp cause I'm gonna shove it down your throat."

So it's the first day of shop class...

The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject...

Nowadays if you talk about Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...

They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.

The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"

"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.

"What do you mean?" Said the second guard, "It's not curfew for another hour."

"Yeah, but I knew the guy," Said the first guard, "He could never have made it home in time."

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bar tender says 'oi you get out, we don't allow those in here'. The man replies
'Oh no don't worry he's perfectly tame, look I'll show'.
The man then proceeds to unzip his trousers and take off his pants. The crocodile opens its mouth and the man dangles his balls inside the jaw.
After an hour this the man says 'see, perfectly safe. Does anyone else want a go?'. A man in the corner of the bar raises his hand and says
'I'd love a go but I don't think I can keep my mouth open for that long'.

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Shoot everyone in the second row', so everyone in the second row gets shot.

Stalin, getting impatient, asks again: who sneezed? A man in the middle of the crowd slowly raises his hand, and in a whimper of a voice says 'me'.

Stalin looks out into the crowd and sees the man with his hand up and says,

'Bless you'

Stalin is giving a speech ...

All of a sudden, someone sneezes. He stops talking.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. Everyone is looking at their feet.

"Who sneezed ? If you don't answer, I'll gun down the front row."

Nobody speaks. He gives an order, and the entire front row is executed.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. The second row is being executed. The third row is being gunned down. The fourth row is being executed. A very old man steps up, he raises a hand.

"I sneezed."

Stalin looks at him.

"Bless you. So, as I was saying..."

A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "

He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"

She nods "anything!"

He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to her. Then he says "paint my house."

What's the difference between LSD sold by an overweight transgender person and a food that raises bad cholesterol?

Nothing. They're both **trans fatty acid**.

Two men are hunting together in a tree stand.

One leans over to his friend and says
"Hey I can see your house from up here! I can see through the window, it looks like your wife is cheating on you with some guy."
The husband in disbelief says to the other,
"Well if you can, shoot her in the head and him in the nuts. That'll teach them a lesson."
His buddy giggles as he raises his gun and says, "I can get that in one shot!"

Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"

One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"You should hide outside!"

P.S: In the event of a tornado, hide in a basement, closet or bathroom. Don't die.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes