Raise The Bar Jokes
84 raise the bar jokes and hilarious raise the bar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about raise the bar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Raise The Bar Short Jokes
Short raise the bar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The raise the bar humour may include short raise the roof jokes also.
- a roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, five beers, please
- A nuclear physicist is drinking at Oktoberfest... He approaches the bar to and calls over a barman. The barman asks what he would like, and the physicist raises one finger and says,
"Ein Stein". - A programmer walked into a bar. He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".
- Man walks into a bar Bartender says sorry, the bar was too low. She raises the bar.
Man walks into bar but now can't pay the bill. The bar was too high. - Raising dogs A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm thinking about taking up raising dogs," the guy tells the bartender. "Great idea," the bartender replies. "I can give you a few pointers."
- In the window of a bar in Philadelphia Drop a bucket of Starbuck's Iced Coffee on your head to raise awareness of the rich city girls who have lost their ability to even.
- Someone put the Twix out of reach of everybody. So I thought to myself: "That's raising the bar a bit too high."
- A woman came up to me in a bar. She said, "You don't look too happy. Maybe I could cheer you up?"
I raised my hand and said, "I'm married."
"That explains the first bit, then," she replied. - Its so hard to know where you're at when your boss is a powerlifter.... They just keep raising and lowering the bar
- A roman guy enters a bar, raises two fingers... And say to the bartender: five beers, please!
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Raise The Bar One Liners
Which raise the bar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with raise the bar? I can suggest the ones about raise and passing the bar.
- A programmer walks into a bar He raises up two fingers and said "3 beers please"
- When it comes to the limbo... I'm raising the bar!
- I saw a group of ghosts at the bar last night. They were raising they're spirits.
- A Roman walks into a bar... He raises 2 fingers and says I'll have 5 drinks please.
- Limbo dance is way too easy... ...let's raise the bar!
- Sometimes I can the sense pressure in the air And I know someone is raising the bar
- Always raise the bar at work Unless if you're a limbo dancer.
- Why can't the seven dwarfs walk into a bar? Because the bar is raised to high.
- Limbo The only activity I raise the bar in.
- The blind man should cross the road himself All he needs to do is raise the bars!
Raise The Bar Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about raise the bar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean raise your hand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make raise the bar pranks.
A young woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man wearing a cowboy hat.
"Excuse me sir but are you a real cowboy?"
The man says, "Well I have a ranch and horses. I go to rodeos and raise cattle and other livestock, so yes I suppose I'm a real cowboy."
The woman says, "Well I think I'm a l*sbian. Women are always on my mind whether I'm working eating driving or whatever its still the same. I cant get women off my mind. Yes I think I'm a l*sbian."
The young woman gets up and leaves the coffee shop.
A short time later a young guy comes in and sits down next to the man and asks him, "Sir are you a real cowboy?" To that the man replies, "Well I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a l*sbian!"
A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.
She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink."
There's an old drunk sitting next to her.
Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants."
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
The Ballerina
This n**..., sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman c**... it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
This woman walks into a bar.
She has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down raises her arm and says,"Bartender I would like a drink."
Theres an old drunk sitting next to her.
Slurring he says,"Barkeep I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts,drinks it,raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says,"Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants"
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says,"Sir that nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers ,"Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
So a bear walks into a bar...
the bartender asks him what he'd like to drink. the bear replies "i'll have a r**...............................................................and coke"
the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"
the bear raises his paws to the bartender's face and yells "HELLO?! I'M A BEAR"
An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already...
Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. "To the class of '55!" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, "To the class of '55!"
"Where you from?" asks the first man of the second after they both toast.
"I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."
"You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"
The two men drink to their hometown.
"What high school did you go to?" Ask the second man as he orders them another round.
"St Ignaius on Lombard Street."
"You're kidding me, I went to St Ignaius!" The two toast the coincidence and sling an arm over each other's shoulders as they begin to fondly reminisce about the old days.
A bar regular walks in and calls out to the bartender, "Hey Steve, what's going on?"
"Oh nothing," Steve replies, "The Johnson twins are drunk again."
Ballerina
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
Two men sitting at a bar...
Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey! The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?
I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman! The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, By chance, did you happen to live near Dublin?
Aye Sir, born and raised there! Another round Bartender! exclaimed the first. Downing the whiskey together, the first looks at the second and says, As unlikely as it seems, by chance you didn't go to St. John's College in Dublin did you?
Jesus Mary and Joseph I did sir! Another two for my friend and me! A regular walks into the bar and sits down next to the pair. The bartender pours him his usual beer and the man asks, How's the bar doing tonight, anything new going on? The bartender replies, Nothing new pal, just the O'Malley brothers drunk again.
So there's this Irish Pub..
in Ireland of all places. Anywho, its getting towards the end of the night and the bartender rings the bell calling, "Last drinks! Last drinks! And anyone who can come up with the best cheers gets their last drink for free!"
After hearing this everyone in the pub runs up to the bar and starts shouting at the bartender their best cheers. The bartenders hears a few of them over the noise and dismisses them with a wave of the hand, "No, none of those will do!"
When its gets quiet one man raises his beer, "I have one! I say cheers to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!"
Everyone raises their beer in approval and this man gets his free beer.
Later that night this man walks home and gets into bed with his wife. His wife wakes and turns to her husband, "You're home late."
"Yeah, well I won the cheers!"
"Ah, what'd you say?"
"What'd I say.." The man thinks for a moment, he doesn't want to get in trouble with his wife, "I said cheers to spending the rest of my life.. at church next to my wife!"
"Aww, such a lovely thing to say" exclaims the wife and she goes back to sleep.
The very next day the wife is waiting in line at the local bakery. A man who heard the cheers at the pub walks up to the wife and says, "You know your husband devoted the cheers to you last night."
To which the wife replies, "Yeah I don't understand it, I mean he hasn't been down there in years and I have to pull his ear to come!"
Horse in a bar.
A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.
The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'
The horse ponders this for a moment, snuffles at the bartenders hair, and finally whinnies as he makes his selection.
"A shot and a fifth of whiskey, please."
The bartender raises an eyebrow before figuring it out, and calmly reaches under the bar, pulls out a rifle and shoots the horse, who dies on the spot.
The bartender stows the rifle, much to the awe of the other patrons, and proceeds to take a pull directly from a bottle of whiskey before applauding.
One of the regulars waves the bartender over, confusion evident on his face, and asks the bartender what that was all about, to which the bartender replies,
"Oh, he wanted to be an actor so he could pretend to be human, so they told him to break a leg. Fool horse should have known better."
A couple has a child, but it comes out as only a head...
They go home and place the head on their living room table, where they care for it, feeding, teaching, and entertaining it. For twenty one years they do this.
Then, on the child's twenty-first birthday, the father decides that he wants to take his son out for a drink, so he moves the head to his car and drives it down to the bar.
There, the father tells the bartender to give him two shots. After downing one, he raises the second glass to his son's lips, and the head downs the beer in just a second. Suddenly, a torso appears below the head.
"Bartender! Gimme another shot!" The father yells excitedly. After downing that one as well, the rest of the body appears, and the father is ecstatic.
"Bartender! Gimme one more shot for good luck and to celebrate!" The father yells, amazed at this unexpected sequence of events. As the first bit of alcohol reaches the son's lips, he vanishes completely.
The father, distraught, doesn't know what to do. The bartender shakes his head and says, "Should've quit while he was a head."
If World War One were a bar fight.
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.
Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.
Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a bar stool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
I see your nerd joke and raise you mine
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. He says to the bartender "How much?". Bartender replies, "For you no charge."
A bear walks into a bar...
He bruskly orders a beer.
Barkeep blares, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear replies, "Barkeep, please; just a beer..."
"We don't. Serve beers. To bears. In Biloxi."
Bear bends in, motions barkeep to do the same, "You see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer, I'll kill her and eat her up."
Barkeep looks a bit bewildered, but replies, "You do what you gotta do. We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear stands up, kills and eats the woman. He returns to the barkeep.
Before the bear can say anything the barkeep raises a hand and says, "... And we don't serve drug addicts either."
It's the bear's turn to look bewildered, "What do you mean drug addict?"
Barkeep looks bemused, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi and that," motioning to what remained of the woman, "was a bar-b**...-you-ate."
Music theory joke
So I was in my second year theory class and the teacher was working with students individually at the piano on compositions.
It started to get loud so the professor said, "Alright, unless you are telling jokes about secondary dominants, there shouldn't be any laughing."
I immediately raise my hand and after being called on I say; "So this hemiola, this secondary dominant and this anacrusis all walk into a bar".
The professor asks if there is punch line and I respond; "Of course, the anacrusis says to the other two, hey I bet I get picked up before you guys do"!
Killed it.
An Irishman and an Englishman are sitting in a bar.
The Irishman raises his shotglass and announces, "If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all the world!"
The Englishman raises his glass and replies, "If it weren't for whisky, the Irish would rule all of Ireland."
A Pirate walked into a bar
A pirate walked into a bar and sat down for a drink.
The bartender asked, "Gee you look awful, are you feeling okay?"
"I feel fine, why do you ask?," said the pirate.
"Well your leg is half missing, you have a wooden peg leg!"
"Arrr that happened a few years back, cannonball came right through the ship and took out me leg."
The bartender looked down at the pirate's hand, "But your hand, it's a hook! How did that happen?"
"Arrr well I was in a sword fight and he got me left hand, but I feel okay now."
"Okay, but how about your eye? You have an eye patch on it!"
"Arrr well just a few days ago I was looking up and a seagull pooped right in me eye."
The bartender, slightly confused asked, "How did that put out your eye?"
The pirate raised his arm, "It was the first day with the hook..."
Two men are at a bar... (best read out loud)
Two men are at a bar with some friends. One man says to the other, who has a stutter, "hey, Mule. How agout you get us another beer?" 'Mule' nods and scurries to the bar.
He says to the tender, "an-an-ano-another round, please." The bartender raises an eyebrow, after hearing how he's treated by his friend. The tender fills up the beers and puts them on the tray.
About a half-hour later, the guy says, "Oi, Mule. How about some more booze?" Once again, Mule nods and scurries to the bar.
Before he can say a word, the bartender says, "listen, I can't help but notice how he speaks to you. Doesn't that nickname bother you at all?"
To which he replies, "He aw- he aw- he always calls me that."
A roman centurion walked into a bar,
raised his hand and signed the waiter to get him 2 martini. The waiter gave him 5 instead.
10 blondes walk into a bar...
they say to the bartender, "We'll have the most expensive bottle of champagne you have! We're celebrating."
They sit down and crack open the bottle and raise their glasses and they all say "23" and drink.
The bartender is curious and goes to their table and asks, "What are you celebrating?"
They point to a framed puzzle and say, "We'll we were sick of all the negative stereotypes of blondes, so we decided to do this puzzle, it took us only 23 days, but on the box it says 2-3 years!"
A bunch of rocks go to a bar...
The bartender sees them as they come towards him to order drinks, and notices that they are have crystals inside them.
'Where y'all from?' the bartender asks
One of the rocks steps up. 'We're from the local quarry a few blocks away.'
The bartender raises his eyebrows.
'Sorry, we don't serve mine ores.'
A man walks into a bar....
the bar is then raised to prevent anyone else from walking into it.
A polar bear walks in to a bar...
He sits down and the bar tender asks what he would like.
The polar bear says: " I'll have a..."
...
...
...
Bartender says: "a Burger?"
PB: ...
...
...
...
BT: "Some wings?"
PB: ...
...
...
PB: "a beer".
The bartender asks "why the long pause?'
The polar bear raises his arms and says "I was born with them"
A panda walks into a bar
He tells the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and....................................................a coke, thank you."
"Sure thing," replied the bartender, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them," says the panda raising his paws.
A man walks out of a bar...
He's completely trashed.
Swaying from one side of the street to the other, he stumbles towards his home, when he sees a nun walking in front of him.
With considerable effort he catches up to her and taps her on the shoulder, twice.
As soon as she turns around, he punches her right in the face.
Losing two teeth, she stumbles backwards and raises her arms. He punches her again, a lot harder this time.
She hits the ground and starts to beg for mercy: "Please, just leave me be. By god, why are you doing this?"
He grins from one ear to the other, and says:
"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...
And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"
But the cows keep shuffling in.
Because they don't understand English.
Steve Jobs walks into a bar...
Looks around silently. People notice him. Conversations turn into murmurs. And suddenly when he have all the attention...
he shouts: "I WILL RAISE YOU!?!!"
The other day I was walking into a bar
but they raised the bar, so I walked into the wall.
Rick is sitting in his bar in Casablanca, enjoying the sublime beauty of geometry...
He raises his glass and says, "Here's looking at Euclid."
A big, tough guy walks into a bar...
Immediately seeing his massive muscles, and overall dangerous aura, everyone hushes and just stares.
"Listen punks," he growls out. "I run this bar now, and you guys are going by my rules! Everyone on the left side is an i**... loving h**..., and everybody on the right side is a r**... homosexual. Any issues?"
A scrawny, unassuming man from the right side raises a shaky hand.
"And what do YOU want?" The tough guy asks.
He replies "Well sir, what do we do if we belong on both sides?"
Donald Trump and Putin walk into a bar.
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin walk into a bar
They approach the bar and take a seat. The bartender, raising his eyebrow questions, " Good afternoon Mister president, what brings you in this fine afternoon?"
"I just made the yuuuugest arms deal in history today with Saudi Arabia and this great, and I mean this great guy here wanted to treat me to a drink as congratulations!" He replied
The bartender, slightly perturbed shakes his head and responds, "Great job sir, what will you have to drink?"
"A White Russian," he turns his head to Putin, and smiles lovingly, "it will be the second one I've had in me today."
Two Finnish men meet in a bar...
Two Finnish men meet in a bar, they haven't seen each other in over 30 years, but used to be best friends. One raises his beer and says 'cheers'.
The other responds, 'are we here to drink, or to talk?'
Have you heard about the new pub that's inside an airplane?
They're really raising the bar.
Johnny is in a bar
And sees h**... in a stool raising a glass of Jagermeister. Every few minutes h**... would raise his glass, toast and drink it back.
Johnny is watching this and after a few injections of liquid courage decides to approach him. h**..., what are you doing here?!
h**... responds, I am back! I am back and I am going to kill one million Jews and three clowns!
Johnny takes a drink and thinks to himself before responding why are you going to kill three clowns?
h**... hastily responds You see! No one cares about the Jews!
After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise..
When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool
A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.
When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .
A guy walks into a bar...
He says "ouch!" the bartender says "what happened" the guy says "I walked into your bar!"
The tender comes around and see's a piece of rebar sticking out of the wall. "Yikes, here come take a seat at the bar and ill pour you a drink"... He turns around to see the man sitting on the ground beneath the rebar.
"What the heck are you doing?"
"Well im sitting at your bar d**...!"
The bartender raises his eyebrows and grabs a putty knife and a container from behind the counter, next he pushes the rebar back into the drywall and hands the guy the two things.
"Well, if you are going to sit at my bar you might as well get plastered".
Canada and Saudie Arabia walk into a bar
Canada raises the bar to see if Saudie Arabia is hurt.
Saudie Arabia looks angry and threatens Canada to mind it's own buisness.
Man Raises a Toast at the Bar
He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.
Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"
"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"
"Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife!"
Next day, Wife is out in town and runs into one of her husband's bar buddies. The buddy snickers and asks if she heard what her husband toasted last night.
"Yes, and I think it's a bit odd he'd toast that. It's only ever happened twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to y**... his ear to make him come."
A guy goes into a bar for a drink
He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "
He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"
She nods "anything!"
He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to her. Then he says "paint my house."
People don't like having to bend over to get their drinks.
We really need to raise the bar.
I was once at a bar with an Irishman.
He told me that Irish beer is far better than other beer because it get him drunk the fastest.
Personally, I disagree, but he raises a good pint.
A woman walks into a bar with a gun and snarls "who had s**... with my husband!?"
In the back a lone nun raises their hand.
"My husband had s**... with a nun!?!" the woman exclaims.
The nun replies, "Actually I'm just a bus driver."
A man walks into a bar...
The local female workers association, eager to prevent this from happening again, raises the bar a little higher.
Roman Bois
Two romans went to a bar, one roman raised his index finger and middle finger to the waiter. When the waiter arrived with two beers, the two romans were mad and went out the bar. o**... told the waiter, "Boi, you are dumb."
Amish Joy candy bars: cuz sometimes you feel like a nut....
And sometimes you feel like raising a barn.
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile
The bar tender says 'oi you get out, we don't allow those in here'. The man replies
'Oh no don't worry he's perfectly tame, look I'll show'.
The man then proceeds to unzip his trousers and take off his pants. The crocodile opens its mouth and the man dangles his b**... inside the jaw.
After an hour this the man says 'see, perfectly safe. Does anyone else want a go?'. A man in the corner of the bar raises his hand and says
'I'd love a go but I don't think I can keep my mouth open for that long'.
A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..
She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."
This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "
The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."
A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink.
A guy walked into his local bar on New Year's Eve and ordered a drink. As midnight approached he raised in glass in a toast, "Let's all begin this year standing beside the person who has made this past year worth living." The poor bartender was nearly crushed to death.
raising a child
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My wife and I really got into it last night. She's disgusted about the way I raised my daughter," the guy says. "Especially as I only had a pair of sevens."
Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says
Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"
A Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar...
...mitzvah, the Jew is showing the Muslim around and teaching him about their culture, the Muslim turns to the Jew and says "This is very nice, but the air is stagnant in here" the Jew thinks for a moment and asks "yes, we're in an indoor banquet hall and the windows are closed, it seems normal to me" to which the Muslim replies "Very strange, I was raised to believe that Jews always had a bris"
A farmer and a necromancer sit in a bar and lament their suffering
Famer: raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: not if they're buried close enough to each other. With planning and skill, a single spell is all it takes
Farmer: what?
Necromancer: what?