raise Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious raise puns

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked what companies?

Gas, water and electricity.

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

'Nurse', he mumbles. 'Are my testicles black?' Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says 'there nothing wrong with them sir'. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ' Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ' are-my-tests-re-sults-back?'

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A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

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I was raised as an only child

which really annoyed my sister

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I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

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someone adopt my gpa because i can't raise it myself

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I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

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Student walks into professor's office

She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"

The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"

"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.

"Anything?"

"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.

"Would you....study?"

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This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop.

I can raise my cat any way I want.

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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...

And that's just for the alcohol.

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I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."

He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"

I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

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A man lies naked on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

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Can anyone adopt my grades? I clearly can't raise them myself.

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"I must go," said my friend.

"Why?" I asked.

He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."

I said, "That's no way to raise a child."

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My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

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I had to break up with my girlfriend. She was a necromancer.

She wanted us to raise a family together.

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I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear...

"What's this for? he asked.

I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

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I should put my GPA up for adoption.

There's no way I can raise it by myself.

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I put my grades up for adoption

Because I couldn't raise them anymore.

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Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

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What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

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Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage?

I couldn't raise them

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Pay me what I'm worth!

I once asked my boss for a raise.
He asked me how much I wanted.
"Just pay me what I'm worth," I said.
He replied, "I can't. There's a minimum wage law."

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One hell of a job

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!

I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my pocket.

Oh, really?" she spat. Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!

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I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

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I'm trying to raise a horse but she has insomnia.

It's a nightmare.

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Don't wait until your deathbed

to tell people how you really feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger by then.

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Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

He was outstanding in his field.

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Sam walks into his boss's office.

Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

By the way , asks the boss as Sam is getting up, which three companies are after you?

The electric company, water company, and phone company , Sam replied.

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A man storms into his manager's office

and demands a raise. "And just so you know," he blusters, "three other companies are after me!"

"Is that so?" the manager says. "Which companies in particular?"

"The electricity company, the telephone company and the gas company."

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I'll see your 7 year old joke and I'll raise you my own. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

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I finally got hired at the local adult store

First day on the job I got a raise!

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Feeling down?

Try necromancy, it's sure to... raise your spirits.

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A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.

It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

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A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"

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What are the most funny Raise jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Raise? Well, here are the best Raise dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Raise pick up lines to share with friends.

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