Raise Jokes

172 raise jokes and hilarious raise puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about raise that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a few good jokes to raise your audience's spirits? Check out this article to find the perfect one-liners and humorous stories to bring a smile to everyone! From salary raises to raising the bar, find the perfect joke to bring laughter and support during any event. Whether you need to raise the roof or just your eyebrow, these jokes have risen to the occasion.

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Funniest Raise Short Jokes

Short raise jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The raise humour may include short rise jokes also.

  1. I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.... My boss asked what companies?
    Gas, water and electricity.
  2. A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
  3. In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator". I guess we're just raised differently.
  4. Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US? Because we're raised differently.
  5. I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
  6. TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
  7. I asked my boss for a raise. He said what for?
    I told him 3 different companies are after me. He asked which ones?
    I said: Gas, Water, and electric.
  8. I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies? I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.
  9. At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
  10. I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me... He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

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Raise One Liners

Which raise one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with raise? I can suggest the ones about rising and lift.

  1. I was raised as an only child which really annoyed my sister
  2. Raising children is hard as a trans parent They see right through me
  3. How do you make an atheist? Raise a Catholic
  4. someone adopt my gpa because i can't raise it myself
  5. You know why the gates of heaven are always left open? Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
  6. Can anyone adopt my grades? I clearly can't raise them myself.
  7. I should put my GPA up for adoption. There's no way I can raise it by myself.
  8. I put my grades up for adoption Because I couldn't raise them anymore.
  9. What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self raising.
  10. Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage? I couldn't raise them
  11. I don't understand how cemeteries can raise their prices and blame the cost of living
  12. My parents raised me as an only child... Which really upset my sister
  13. What's the difference between an elevator and my parents An elevator can raise a child
  14. I'm trying to raise a horse but she has insomnia. It's a nightmare.
  15. Why are vampires so obsessed with necks? Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

Raise Your Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny raise your hand jokes and even better raise your hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
  • Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America? They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised
  • I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.
    I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
  • A teacher asks her students to use the word dandelion on a sentence A boy raises his hand and says, the cheetah is faster dandelion.
  • My mate's gambling is getting out of hand. He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
    I thought, "I might have to raise him."
  • Everyone who believes in Psychokinesis... raise my hand
  • A boy is sitting in class learning about logarithms The teacher asks the class, "how do we change bases?"
    The boy excitedly raises his hand and says, "ask her nicely"
  • A man enters a party and says "Is anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff raised his hand and said "Yes."
    Geoff raised his hand and said "Yeos."
  • Anyone who believes in telekinesis... ...raise my hand
  • Who here believes in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

Raise The Bar Jokes

Here is a list of funny raise the bar jokes and even better raise the bar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • a roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, five beers, please
  • A nuclear physicist is drinking at Oktoberfest... He approaches the bar to and calls over a barman. The barman asks what he would like, and the physicist raises one finger and says,
    "Ein Stein".
  • A programmer walks into a bar He raises up two fingers and said "3 beers please"
  • A programmer walked into a bar. He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".
  • Man walks into a bar Bartender says sorry, the bar was too low. She raises the bar.
    Man walks into bar but now can't pay the bill. The bar was too high.
  • Raising dogs A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm thinking about taking up raising dogs," the guy tells the bartender. "Great idea," the bartender replies. "I can give you a few pointers."
  • In the window of a bar in Philadelphia Drop a bucket of Starbuck's Iced Coffee on your head to raise awareness of the rich city girls who have lost their ability to even.
  • Someone put the Twix out of reach of everybody. So I thought to myself: "That's raising the bar a bit too high."
  • When it comes to the limbo... I'm raising the bar!
  • I saw a group of ghosts at the bar last night. They were raising they're spirits.
Raise joke, I saw a group of ghosts at the bar last night.

Pay Raise Jokes

Here is a list of funny pay raise jokes and even better pay raise puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Pay me what I'm worth! I once asked my boss for a raise.
    He asked me how much I wanted.
    "Just pay me what I'm worth," I said.
    He replied, "I can't. There's a minimum wage law."
  • I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket. I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.
  • Told my boss I wanted a pay raise, 3 other companies are after me! He said "Oh yeah, which ones?"
    I told him "the gas and electric company, the phone company and the credit card company"
  • How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage? It raised his celery...
  • "Boss, I just got married. Can I get a pay raise?" "Sorry, we don't compensate for accidents that happen outside of work."
  • Why does a Lannister always pay their debts? In case the FED raises i**... rates

Raise The Roof Jokes

Here is a list of funny raise the roof jokes and even better raise the roof puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
  • What did the architect do at the nightclub? He raised the roof.
  • Why should you always invite Amish people to a party? They know how to raise the roof.
  • Have you ever been to an Amish party? Those guys really raise the roof!
  • I bought a dog from a construction worker today... ...I had a rough idea what it would've been like, but this dog raised the roof.
  • Did you hear about the builder who could clap very loudly? They always got him to raise the roof.
  • Yo momma so fat that when she went to her prom she literally raised the roof.
  • Raise the Roof Don't Shoot

Salary Raise Jokes

Here is a list of funny salary raise jokes and even better salary raise puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me. Boss: "What companies are those?"
    Me: "The electricity company and the water company."
  • How to ask for a raise Employee: Sir, I really need a salary increment, 4 companies are after me.
    Boss: Which 4?
    Employee: Electricity, Gas, Cable, Credit Card.
  • I just gave my new secretary a s**... dress for her first week's salary. Next week, I'm going to raise her salary.
Raise joke, I just gave my new secretary a s**... dress for her first week's salary.

Amusing Raise Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What funny jokes about raise you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean increase jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make raise pranks.

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

I raised the alarm at work today...

The midgets were furious.

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

It takes a village to raise a child... takes a child with a flamethrower to raze a village.

I see your thesaurus joke and raise you mine. Did you here about the truck full of thesauruses that crashed?

Onlookers were shocked, astounded, agape, flabbergasted, and taken aback.

Sam walks into his boss's office.

Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
By the way , asks the boss as Sam is getting up, which three companies are after you?
The electric company, water company, and phone company , Sam replied.

How do you keep men on their toes?

Raise the urinals

The life of a clown

A clown goes to his boss to ask for a raise, the boss replies: "20 years working for me and you finally make me laugh."

i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back...

and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!

I was going to be a baker

But I couldn't raise enough dough.

I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.
They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"
The man looked surprised.
The eyebrows said, "Thank you."

Terrorists hijack a plane flying into London. They tell everyone to raise their hands over their heads if they are British or American.

They wanted French people too but they already had their hands up.

A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas

The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:
"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"
Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:
"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. Why is that?" Little Suzy responds:
"Because I'm a 49ers fan!"
"A 49ers fan?," the teacher asks incredulously, "Why on Earth are you a 49ers fan?"
"Because my Mommy is a 49ers fan, my Daddy is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan."
The teacher doesn't like Suzy's answer:
"Little Suzy, that's no kind of logic. What if your Daddy was a drug dealer and your Mommy was a p**...?"
Suzy doesn't blink an eye:
"Well then I'd be a Raiders fan!"

49ers Fan

On the first day of school, a first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Seahawks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Seahawks fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand? 'Because I'm not a Seahawks fan' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you aren't a Seahawks fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you're a 49ers fan?' "Because my mom's a 49ers fan, and my dad's a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too!" "Well" said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a m**..., what would you be?' Janie smiled and said 'I'd be a Seahawks fan.'

What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

I finally got hired at the local adult store

First day on the job I got a raise!

There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop

There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.
Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car

"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy
"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.
After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"
"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"
The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"

Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

I'll see your 7 year old joke and I'll raise you my own. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?


This should raise a dry smile, then...

The knight approached the king and said, "Sire, we have spent the past two weeks destroying and pillaging the towns of your enemies to the West."
"What?" said the king, concerned. "I don't have any enemies in the West!"
"Oh," said the knight. "Well, you do now..."

"I must go," said my friend.

"Why?" I asked.
He said, "I need to feed my baby hamsters."
I said, "That's no way to raise a child."

A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"

Star Wars joke I made up for my son to tell his friends at school...

Q: What kind of animal does Yoda raise?
A: Sheep
Q: Why does Yoda raise sheep?
A: Because Dagobah

Why the hate for necromancers?T

They're just trying to raise a family.

Women are like the salt of my life

They raise my blood pressure

What did the orphan poker player say?

Will you raise me?

A man lies n**... on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully n**.... The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

"Alright kids, I just got off the phone. Now, raise your hands if your parents are still alive!"

"Not so fast, Billy."

Feeling down?

Try necromancy, it's sure to... raise your spirits.

This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop.

I can raise my cat any way I want.

I was raised as an only child.

My siblings took it pretty hard.

I'm putting my standards up for adoption

Because I can't raise them anymore

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today...

And that's just for the alcohol.

A man storms into his manager's office

and demands a raise. "And just so you know," he blusters, "three other companies are after me!"
"Is that so?" the manager says. "Which companies in particular?"
"The electricity company, the telephone company and the gas company."

Why did the cow get a raise?

She was out standing in her field

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."

He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"
I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

When daughter told me she prefers white rice over brown rice I was extremely disappointed.

I didn't raise her to be a rice-ist.

All those with telekinetic powers raise my hand.

Wow! I wasn't expecting that!

little Sally--funny adult joke

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his w**... today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

A sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said...

" I have a nice eaaasy job for the laziest man here, put up your hand if you are the leaziest "
24 men raised their hands. And the sergeant asked the other man :
" Why didn't you raise your hand ?"
the man replied : " Too much trouble raising the hand, Serg ! "

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

Student walks into professor's office

She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"
The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"
"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.
"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.

I had to break up with my girlfriend. She was a necromancer.

She wanted us to raise a family together.

Two guys from the 50's

Two guys from the 50's were talking out front of one's house.
The first neighbor says to the other, " what do you think of that new family, the Petrov's?"
The second neighbor looks at him and replies, " I don't know if they're commies Teddy, but they sure do raise a lot of red flags."

I want to create a cook book that can raise the dead

I'll call it the Necronomnomicon

The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan's casket on the wall...

... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.
She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) f**... the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!

I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

Adoption Agent: Welcome to the adoption agency, how may I help you?

Me: yes, I would like to put up my grades for adoption
Adoption Agent: wth..?... must be mistaken ...we...
Me: *crying*
...I can't raise them on my own

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'
Necromancer: 'Not if they are buried close together.'
Man: 'What ? ... '
Necromancer: 'What ? ... '

I asked my girlfriend how many kids she wants and she said one of each gender.

I don't know how were going to raise 57 kids.

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn't believe me and asked which ones.

Gas, electric, and water.

Remember when talking about plastic surgery was considered a forbidden subject?

Now you can talk about Botox at a restaurant, and nobody will raise an eyebrow.

I am putting my grades up for adoption.

I can't raise them by myself.

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

What are you? asks the cat. I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you? The cat thinks for a moment and says, I guess i'm a gnome.

A Gnome.

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.
I just love mischief!
And what, may I ask, creature are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says,
"I guess I'm a gnome."

What's with all the hate for Necromancers?

Can't a guy raise a family in peace?

What do people who raise the dead have in common with people who have t**... fetishes?

They're both neck romancers.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

Raise your hand if you've been caught m**... on a Zoom call.

Maybe you should have raised the other hand.

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, By the way, which companies are after you? I responded, The gas, electric and cable company.

My parents didn't raise a quitter!

They raised a procrastinator.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"

Raise joke, A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's privat

jokes about raise