Raining Day Jokes

A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said, "Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said, "Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said, "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a c**..., cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A c**.... This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

Something you don't know about me - I'm an authority on wasp sounds.

Anyway I was out for the day and it started to rain. So I wandered into a junk shop, I was looking through the records, the LPs were of no interest so I looked in the singles. Johnny Mathis, Val Doonican, Wasp sounds fro...wait! What's this? "Wasp Sounds From Around The World!" I want this! It's only 50cents! So asked the guy in the shop to play it, just so I know it's OK. "Yes, of course!". Then it started to play...Bzzzz...Bzzwzzz...Wzzzzz..." etc. Anyway it finished. I said to the guy "I'm a world authority on wasp sounds but there's not a single wasp on there. "Oh! That's odd!" he said. Then "Aha! I know why! I played the bee side!"

A man was asked by his cousin to come with him to his hunting lodge...

With them was the cousin's hunting friends. As it was raining the first day, and since none of them didn't feel like spending a whole day out in the wet, they decided to stay inside.
After a while the man got bored and asked his cousin if they couldn't do anything.
The cousin said: "Well, we could tell each other jokes. I'll start."
The cousin thought for a moment and then said "27". And all the other hunters started to laugh.
" Why does everyone laugh? You just said a number."
His cousin explained that since they had heard all these stories a hundred times, they had given them numbers to make them easier to tell. The man thought this was a bit wierd, but he thought why not.
The "storytelling" went on for a while until finally a hunter said a number and the rest started laughing more than before.
The man looked up and asked why this was so funny. The cousin replied, "Oh, we haven't heard this one before."

What do i look like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Why God?

One day it began to rain very hard. It rained for hours. There was a man standing outside his house in the rain praying.
When the rain was up to his knees a canoe came by. The people in the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."
When the rain was up to his waist a small boat came by. The people in the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."
When the water was up to his neck a larger boat came by. The people on the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."
Eventually the water went over his head and he drowned. When he got to heaven he asked God why God didn't save him. God then responded "What are you talking about, I sent a canoe, a small boat, and a large boat to save you."

condoms used correctly

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a c**..., cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What s that?
Jane: A c**.... This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of c**... she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Fixer-Upper

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says, "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City.

He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past few months:
"Dolf, are you sure its just rain for tomorrow? I bet everyone's praying for a little snow tonight!"
"No no Erin, just rain for tomorrow"
"Are you sure we can't look forward to a white Christmas?"
"NO! RUDOLF THE RED KNOWS RAIN, DEAR!"

Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.
Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.
Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.
Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.
Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.
Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.
Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

Camel

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A c**.... This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get that?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

Stable bulls

One for the old folks...
Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their feet. So mostly, they huddled in the valleys, picking over what they could find.
The bulls on the other hand, enjoyed the tender shoots at the top of the hills. The wind, and even the occasional tremor seem to have no affect on them. This caused not just a little muttering and consternation among the cows.
One particularly windy day, the bravest (and hungriest) of the females struggled to the top of the hill to talk to the bulls. She fell over twice on the way up, but she was determined to find out their secret. "How do you guys stand up here?" she asked.
Looking up from a particularly sweet patch of clover, the oldest one said "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'

So, two old ladies are outside on a bench smoking...

...when it begins to rain. The first old woman flicks her cigarette away, knowing it's going to be put out. The second of the old ladies reaches into her purse, pulls out a c**..., cuts the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette. The first woman asks "What on earth is that?" "Oh, it's a c**..., they're designed to protect your cigarette from the rain," the second replies.
Now the next day, the lady who tossed her cig went down to the drug store to pick up some condoms so she can smoke in the rain. She asks the clerk "Can you please sell me some condoms?" The clerk is confused as to why this old lady would need rubbers, but in the interest of customer satisfaction, he says "Sure, what kind would you like?" To this the old woman responds,"Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter. Just make sure it can fit a camel."

The Native American Weatherman

A director is shooting a movie in a desert near an Indian reservation. One day, a native american comes up to him and says "Rain today."
The director doesn't pay much attention, but towards the middle of the day, it rains. The director is now impressed, and instantly hires the native american to predict weather for him.
The cycle continues until the director is about to shoot the most important scene of the film. He asks the native: "What's the weather like today?" He says "Don't know."
"What? What do you mean you don't know?"
"Radio broken."

Berta and Ethel are two older ladies who were outside smoking cigarettes when it starts rain.

Berta reaches into her purse and pulls out a c**... with the tip cut off. She slides the c**... over the cigarette and resumes smoking. "What are you doing?" asks Ethel. "Oh, this?" replies Berta, "I always carry a c**... to put on my cigarettes when it starts to rain."
Thinking this is a terrific idea, the next day Ethel goes to her pharmacy to buy condoms. Realizing that she'd never done this before, she asks a clerk for some help. "Of course, ma'am," says the clerk, "what size do you need?" Ethel replies, "Oh I don't know, but it needs to fit a camel."

The freakin' weather

Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend in the Soviet Embassy by the name of Rudolph Nosov, who would drop by occasionally.
One evening, Gerald and his wife, Peg, were sitting in the kitchen chatting when Gerald looked out the window and said, "Look, it's snowing."
Rudolph looked out and said very quickly, "No, I think it is just rain."
"I'm sure it is snow," insisted Gerald.
"And I am just as sure that it is rain," said Rudolph.
At this point Gerald turned to Peg to settle the argument. Peg looked out the window for a moment, then said, "What can I say? Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."

Heard this one over Christmas, I can only apologise.

Back in the pre-glasnost days a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

"Doesn't matter"

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A c**.... This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get that?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel

3 Daughters

So there was a guy who had three Beautiful Daughters with exquisite names. One day they all got curious as to how they came to be with these names so they decided to ask. The first one walks in and politely asked "daddy how did you come to naming me Rose?" He replied "well when you were born a rose petal fell on your head and so it just was." Satisfied, she left and the second daughter came in and asked "Daddy, how did you come to naming me Daisy?" To which he replied "well darling when you were born some daisy petals rained down on you and so it was." Satisfied she left and the third daughter walks in she says "bwalalaladadahaha" to which the father replies "shut up Cinder Block!"

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina,

were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a c**..., cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A c**...."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

How the Fukarwe Indians got their Name:

The Fukarwe Indians lived in Utah about 2,000 years ago.
They were a peaceful tribe and lived in Teepees on the prarie.
One day it started raining heavily.......and kept on raining.
The prarie started to flood and they were forced to move to higher ground.
And the rain kept coming......and the tribe had to move to higher and higher ground.
Until they found themselves at the top of a mountain.
And the Chief raised his hands to the Sky and shouted.
Where the Fukarwe!!!!..........z

Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a c**..., cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."
"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."
The next day, Old Lady 2 goes into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I need a box of condoms please"
The pharmacist looked at old lady questioningly (she was 80 after all) and asked "what size?"
The Old lady thought for a second and said "It doesn't matter, as long as it can fit on a Camel"

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a c**..., cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"
The lady responded, "It's a c**...."
The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"
She said, "Oh, just about any grocery of drug store."

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, "I need to get some condoms."
The cashier looked at her puzzled, because of her age, and said, "Um, what size?"
The lady responded, "Hmm, one that would fit a Camel."

she wants a box of condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a c**..., cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A c**.... This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

Today I woke up early

I quietly put on my clothes, made coffee. I took my golf clubs and went slowly into the garage. I put the clubs in the car and pulled the car out of the garage under torrential rain.
The road was totally flooded and the icy wind blew at 50 km per hour. I went back to the garage, turned on the radio, and heard that the weather would have lasted all day.
So I went back home, took off my clothes and quietly slipped back to bed. Slowly I approached my wife and, holding her, I whispered in her ear: "the weather outside is horrible!"
Half asleep she replied: "Yes I know …Can you believe my dumb husband went out to play golf!"

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.
One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.
He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: "The weather is terrible outside."
Half awake the wife replies: "And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle."
(my 80 y old grandpa's joke)

A man walks Into a bar and orders a beer

He gets his drink and adds a little something to it and this macho guy comes in grabs his drink and slams it down. The man begins crying immediatly tears pouring down, he just seems so distraught.
The macho man tells him he is sorry offers to buy him another drink. The man goes
"it's not that today is the worst day of my life, I woke up and my car wouldn't start so I walked to work. When I got there my boss fired me for being late. So I walked all the way home in the pouring rain and when I got there I caught my wife with another man in our bed. I walked to the closes bar sat down poured poison into my drink and you drank that!"

The 3 children

One day, a couple married and got 3 babies.
When they grew up, the first baby named Snowflake asked:
-Mommy, why is my name Snowflake?
-Because, sweetie, when me and your dad were exiting the hospital, a snowflake came and fell on your head!
Next day, the second child called Rain comes in:
-Mommy, why is my name Rain?
-Because, sweetie, when me and your dad were exiting the hospital, a droplet of rain fell on your head!
Next day, the third kid called [b]Closet[b] came:
-BLJAHFAHALHAHALAHAFNFAHA
(Joke translated from foreign language, might not be the funniest but hey)

A father and a mother have three children. One day the first child comes up and says...

"Father. Mother. Why is my name Rose?"
And the Father says, "When you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." The child nods and goes away the second oldest then starts wondering about her name so she goes up to her father.
"Father why is my name Raina?"
"Because when you were born a rain drop fell on your head."
Then the third child comes up. "Ruuuuhhhhh hahdiehakidonw"
"SHUT UP, BRICK!!!!!"