Railway Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel

The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel

The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway






EDDIT: u/mandrous's critic accepted!

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford



It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."



To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

When i was young my mom used to put food on the spoon.. and sing "train is coming, train is coming"...

I'd always eat cause i knew if i didn't, she wouldn't untie me from the railway line.

Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner? No.

And do you see the railway line going over the hilltop? I used to drive the trains along that line every day for fifteen years. I used to take people all over the place, and bring letters and parcels from friends and family far away. And do they call me Dewey the Train Driver? No.

And do you see that little chapel up there on the hill? I was the organist there. Forty five years I spent, every week leading the faithful in worship there. And do they call me Dewey the Organist? Oh no.

But you shag one bloody sheep..."

A guy goes to the pub...

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"

"I don't know. I never found her head."

A group of railway trespassers got hit and killed...

They won't trespass again now that they've been trained.

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

A girl tied to rails

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "Aw man you won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. So I untied her, then we had sex over and over again in every position!!"

His friend replies, "Woah thats f*ckin awesome! Did you get a blowjob?"

"Nah, ^I ^couldn't ^find ^her ^head."

Emergency Services

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line

Old Russian joke from Soviet times

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.

Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik (volunteer work-program), so that workers and peasants will fix the problem."

Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!"

Khrushchev then chimes in, "Let's take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front".

Then Brezhnev says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

What do you need to cause a railway accident in Mexico?

A loco-motive.

I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor...

Then I thought of all the training.

The famous joke from eastern europe. Depicting a stereotypic slooow estonian character.

An Estonian stands by a railway track.

Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down.

The first one asks: Is it a long way to Tallinn?

Not too long.

He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down.

After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: Is it a long way still to Tallinn?

Now, it is very long way to Tallinn.

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

Railway Rescue

The other day I rescued a woman who was tied to a railway track. After I untied her we made love. We tried everything except oral 'cause i couldn't find her head.ο»Ώ

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Reading between the lines can be quite dangerous

Especially if you are at a railway station

Why couldn't they execute the railway worker with the electric chair?

He was too good a conductor

Tom asked Dick

"Have you ever been in an railway accident?"

Dick replied, "Yes. Once when the train was going through the tunnel, I kissed the father instead of the daughter."

What is a spiced railway station called?

Gare da Mom

A lorry carrying a load of tortoises crashed though a railway crossing into a train full of terrapins .

What a turtle disaster .

The optimist sees the light in the tunnel, The pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel, The realist sees the train in the tunnel,

The traindriver sees 3 idiots on the railway.

A German joke

An old man was travelling by train from his hometown of Offenburg to visit family in Frankfurt am Main. It was quite a journey for him, since he never got around much.

At one time the conductor walks by yelling "HEIDELBERG, GET OFF!" The man thinks, "That's my name!" and gets off the train marvelling at the wonders of modern technology that allow the railway companies to remind passengers by name where they have to change.

While on the platform he hears "HEIDELBERG, COME IN!" and hastily boards the other train. He sits down and since he's in an unusually good mood, he begins to chat up another passenger. "Where are you going?," he asks. "To Regensburg," sounded the reply.

The old man slaps his knees, and says excitedly "What a time to be alive! I'm going to Frankfurt, you're going to Regensburg, and we're both on the one same train!"

Today I saw a boy running with a ticket on his hand at railway station..

Next thing I remember he was lying on the ground and ticket says 9 3/4 Hogwarts.
He missed april fools day

Sex on Tracks .

A Guy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..

He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the guy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver shouts out to the guy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last fuck..!!!

Guy -'Listen dude, u were coming... She was cuming.... and I was cuming.... then I realised ....only You have Brakes

There is no COO in a railway company

There is only CHOO

How do engineers measure the distance between Railway spikes?

The Phineas Gauge

What kind of railway is an Italian engineer's favourite?

FuniculΓ 

What are the funniest railway jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Railway? Well, here are the best Railway puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Railway pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes