Railway Jokes

Following is our collection of train humor and caboose one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Railway puns for adults, dirty platform jokes or clean amtrak gags for kids.

There is an abundance of conductor jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 29 funniest jokes on railway. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any rail witze you can hear about railway.

The Best jokes about Railway

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel

The realist sees a light approaching into the tunnel

The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford

It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

When i was young my mom used to put food on the spoon.. and sing "train is coming, train is coming"...

I'd always eat cause i knew if i didn't, she wouldn't untie me from the railway line.

A guy goes to the pub...

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"

"I don't know. I never found her head."

A group of railway trespassers got hit and killed...

They won't trespass again now that they've been trained.

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

Emergency Services

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line

Old Russian joke from Soviet times

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.

Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik (volunteer work-program), so that workers and peasants will fix the problem."

Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!"

Khrushchev then chimes in, "Let's take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front".

Then Brezhnev says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

What do you need to cause a railway accident in Mexico?

A loco-motive.

I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor...

Then I thought of all the training.

The famous joke from eastern europe. Depicting a stereotypic slooow estonian character.

An Estonian stands by a railway track.

Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down.

The first one asks: Is it a long way to Tallinn?

Not too long.

He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down.

After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: Is it a long way still to Tallinn?

Now, it is very long way to Tallinn.

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

Railway Rescue

The other day I rescued a woman who was tied to a railway track. After I untied her we made love. We tried everything except oral 'cause i couldn't find her head.ο»Ώ

Reading between the lines can be quite dangerous

Especially if you are at a railway station

Why couldn't they execute the railway worker with the electric chair?

He was too good a conductor

10 pins were crossing a railway track. Suddenly they saw a train approaching them. 9 pins were able to cross. But the 10th pin couldn't make it and the train went over it. But nothing happened to that pin. Why?

Because it was a safety pin!

A lorry carrying a load of tortoises crashed though a railway crossing into a train full of terrapins .

What a turtle disaster .

The optimist sees the light in the tunnel, The pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel, The realist sees the train in the tunnel,

The traindriver sees 3 idiots on the railway.

What is a spiced railway station called?

Gare da Mom

A German joke

An old man was travelling by train from his hometown of Offenburg to visit family in Frankfurt am Main. It was quite a journey for him, since he never got around much.

At one time the conductor walks by yelling "HEIDELBERG, GET OFF!" The man thinks, "That's my name!" and gets off the train marvelling at the wonders of modern technology that allow the railway companies to remind passengers by name where they have to change.

While on the platform he hears "HEIDELBERG, COME IN!" and hastily boards the other train. He sits down and since he's in an unusually good mood, he begins to chat up another passenger. "Where are you going?," he asks. "To Regensburg," sounded the reply.

The old man slaps his knees, and says excitedly "What a time to be alive! I'm going to Frankfurt, you're going to Regensburg, and we're both on the one same train!"

Today I saw a boy running with a ticket on his hand at railway station..

Next thing I remember he was lying on the ground and ticket says 9 3/4 Hogwarts.
He missed april fools day

Irish Return Ticket

An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
I'd like a return ticket, he says.
Where to?
To here! says the Irishman.

There is no COO in a railway company

There is only CHOO

What kind of railway is an Italian engineer's favourite?


How do engineers measure the distance between Railway spikes?

The Phineas Gauge

Why do railways have TTEs

Because they have to give birth

How is standing on a railway track like playing music?

Most likely neither will get you a successful career.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes