rails Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious rails puns

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.


An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.


My girlfriend is slightly off the rails.

I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.


A joke from Ukraine

The train suddenly turns off the rails and goes through the village, then through the cornfield and finally comes back to the rails. When it arrives, the passengers ask:
What the hell has happened?

There was a man shitting on the rails.

You should've smashed him.

We have smashed him. We caught up with him in the cornfield.

My English is not great, feel free to suggest edits.


A pessimist, an optimist and a realist talk about what they see...

The pessimist says: "I see a dark tunnel."

The optimist says: "I see light at the end of the tunnel."

The realist says: "I think I see a train!"

The train driver screams: "Three morons on the rails!"


2016 is going off the rails with all the people getting offended. There are even some people who've decided it's racist to say "black paint".

Instead you're supposed to say something like "Shawn, would you please paint that fence?"


My mother in law has gone a bit off the rails.

Hopefully the train still gets her.


Wow. Those Spaniards are some die hard Ozzy fans..

..cause they really went off the rails on a crazy train.


A girl tied to rails

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "Aw man you won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. So I untied her, then we had sex over and over again in every position!!"

His friend replies, "Woah thats f*ckin awesome! Did you get a blowjob?"

"Nah, ^I ^couldn't ^find ^her ^head."


A discussion me and my wife just had

*Me trying to place the curtain on its rails*

Me:I can't reach it, I need 10 more cm to do it!

Wife:*sigh*.. I know..


The pessimist doesn't se the the light at the end of the tunnel, the optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the realist sees the train in the tunnel...

... and the the train driver sees the three insane people on rails.


Experts now bringing in Ozzy Osbourne to assess the Amtrak derailment in Washington

As he is certified on going off the rails on a crazy train.


What language does robot Marco run on?

Rubio on rails


What do you call two gay guys riding the rails in an empty boxcar?



How about that train food?

It's off the rails


My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course

The aftermath was terrible.


A man was just waiting for the train when a woman stops by and asks if she is on the right spot for the hospital.

The man tells her that she isn't and that she should probably stand on the rails.


Two blondes were walking down the railroad tracks.

The first blonde said "man, these steps are killing me!" The second one said "it's not the steps that are killing me, it's these low hand rails!"


Why are the rails on train tracks 4 feet and 8 Β½ inches apart?

Because if they wasn't the train will fall right off the track.


Only mass transit kids will get this!

We rank the top rails, the third one will shock you!


I had a great experience with Amtrak...



What does Amtrak have in common with Tom Cruise?

They both like to go off the rails


Why is doing coke with Carrie Fisher on a train fun?

Cause she's already on a couple of rails.


My great grandfather died in Auschwitz

Those guard towers needed better safety rails


I have more in common with Thomas the train than most think

For one thing, we're both stuck on rails!

*Apparently I messed up on Thomas' correct title
Yes Thomas the tank engine.


So this morning I mistook "Thomas & Friends" for "Fox & Friends"...

And I spent the whole hour wondering why the characters were off the rails.


What are the most funny Rails jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Rails? Well, here are the best Rails dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Rails pick up lines to share with friends.


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