Railroad Jokes

76 railroad jokes and hilarious railroad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about railroad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find a collection of funny railroad jokes that will keep you and your friends entertained! From railroad tracks to trains, engineers to cabooses, trams and Amtrak, these jokes are sure to put a smile on your face.

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Funniest Railroad Short Jokes

Short railroad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The railroad humour may include short roads jokes also.

  1. Two drunks are crawling on the railroad. One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"
    "No worries, I see an elevator coming."
  2. If I apply for a job at a railroad... Will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?
  3. So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho
  4. A buddy of mine is a railroad engineer. I asked him how many derailments he had He lost count. It's hard to keep track.
  5. Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
    A: They've both been laid all over America.
  6. Why don't many buddhists work in the railroad industry? they have too many ohms to be good conductors.
  7. TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person. It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, "Hurry it up, man!"
  8. I just heard that my ex got a job with the railroad. At least now she'll be paid when she pulls a train.
  9. What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common? They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.
  10. My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad... She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

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Railroad One Liners

Which railroad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with railroad? I can suggest the ones about rails and train.

  1. If I get a job at a railroad... Will they train me?
  2. Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks? He was undertrained
  3. Why did the railroad thief get caught? He forgot to cover his tracks!
  4. What do you get when you cross a railroad with a refrigerator? Killed.
  5. Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel
  6. Why does the school bus driver stop at all railroad crossings? He was trained.
  7. What do you get when you cover yourself in railroad lines? A tracksuit...
  8. How did the railroad cross the mountain? He had to train...
  9. What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor? The training.
  10. What can you do when your dog is hit by a railroad? You can train it
  11. I once bought a man a railroad ticket just to watch him wave goodbye.
  12. Your momma is so poor She put her foodstamps on the railroad track.
  13. A Peanut was walking on a railroad. He didn't hear the train coming. Peanut Butter
  14. Amazon lost my train railroad I bought recently they said they lost track of the package
  15. why was the man fishing on the railroad tracks? He wanted to catch a Great Northern.

Railroad Tracks Jokes

Here is a list of funny railroad tracks jokes and even better railroad tracks puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks? It's won't be long now!
  • Two blondes are walking down the railroad tracks. "Man, all these stairs are killing me," said one.
    The other replies, "Forget the stairs, it's these darned low handrails."
  • Why don't women get hit by trains? There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.
  • Two blondes were walking down the railroad tracks. The first blonde said "man, these steps are killing me!" The second one said "it's not the steps that are killing me, it's these low hand rails!"
  • Did you hear about that guy who ran a marathon on railroad tracks? He trained a lot, but got distracted.
  • 2 drinks... Two drunks walking along the railroad tracks ...
    #1 : dude, this is the longest stairway ...
    #2 : yeah, but that doesn't bug me as bad as these low hand-rails
  • The pessimist sees a tunnel The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel
    The realist sees a train.
    The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
  • What do you get when you cross an alligator with a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.
  • If you have the word 'railroad track'... many r's are in it?
  • I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great s**.... No head, though. I never found it.

Railroad Train Jokes

Here is a list of funny railroad train jokes and even better railroad train puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Tried to have s**... on a railroad track, but the train came first.
  • Who sang at the f**... of those who died in a railroads arson? Adele.
    Some one set fire to the train
Railroad joke, Who sang at the f**... of those who died in a railroads arson?

Railroad Worker Jokes

Here is a list of funny railroad worker jokes and even better railroad worker puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I should have noticed that my son, a railroad worker is stealing from his workplace But each time he came home I just ignored the signs
  • What do you call a hundred old timey Irish railroad workers falling down a hill? A navvy lanch
Railroad joke, What do you call a hundred old timey Irish railroad workers falling down a hill?

Silly Railroad Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about railroad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lane jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make railroad pranks.

Two hobos are walking down the railroad tracks.

One says You know, just last month I found a woman here, tied to the tracks and left for dead.
The other hobo asks so what did you do?'
The first hobo replies I did what anybody else would do; I picked her up off the tracks, took her over to those bushes over there and had my way with her for a week.
Wow says the second hobo, did she give good head?'
The other hobo replies You know, I never did find the head.


There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.
The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in n**... and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

Did you hear about the railroad employee who was struck by lightning?

They say he was a great conductor.

There once was a dog who like to walk the railroad tracks

One day he was a little too close as a train came by and it clipped off the end of his tail. Wondering where it went, he peered over the tracks and the train took his head clean off.
The moral of the story, never risk your head for a little bit of tail.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.


Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.

Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

After a while of struggling, one of them slurred, "This must be the longest staircase in the world." The other replied in a drunken lisp, "That's not so bad. But, what's killing me are these low handrails.

The Romans once said "All roads lead to Rome"

Much like how the n**...'s said "All railroads lead to Auschwitz"

A guy narrates of his incredible tale to a friend

"I came across this beautiful woman. She was tied to the railroad tracks. I freed her and we made passionate love. Her body was smoking hot!"
"How was the face?" his friend asked.
"Oh I didn't find the head."

A brunette is jumping on railroad tracks...

Saying 65, 65, 65
A blonde goes up to her and asks her what she's doing. She replies Jumping on these tracks and counting, want to join me?
She agrees, and follows the brunette in jumping and saying 65.
A train comes by, and the brunette jumps out of the way at the last second, the blonde dies.
The brunette goes back to jumping and saying 66, 66, 66

So this guy finds a magic lamp...

This guy finds a magic lamp. Obviously, a Genie comes out of it.
*The Genie: You can make 1 wish, it can be anything. What do you desire?
*The guy: Well, I'd like to have a railroad that connects New York City and Moscow.
*The Genie: That... might be a liitle too much. Is there anything else you would like?
*The Guy: Well, if that's the case, I'd like to be able to understand Women
* The Genie: Did you want express trains as well?

Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any head?" And Sean says, "No, I couldn't find it."

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.
The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."
The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.
From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."

A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.

First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:
"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"
"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be closer to the railroad."

So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...

**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.
**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.
**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?
**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.
**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?

A man was chatting with his friend.

\-"Guess what happened! I found this woman tied to the railroad tracks. I untied her, and then we made love all night!"
\-"That's amazing dude! What did she look like?"
\-"I don't know, I never found her head."

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."

When my girlfriend and I first got together...

... we had a frank discussion wherein she said she's monogamous. I candidly admitted to her that I am polyamorous. So far we've had a great mono-poly thing going. And the upside is, I own all the railroads!!! And a hotel on Boardwalk!

Two women left a bar after a night of drinking

On their way home they began following a set of railroad tracks.
After several minutes following the tracks, one woman said "This is the LONGEST flight of stairs i've ever climbed in my life!"
The second said "it's not the stairs that bug me, it's these d**... low railings!"

A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railroad station for home

"Say, cap'n," he said, as he stepped timidly into the rickety old craft, "this boat seems very shaky; was anybody ever lost in her?"
"Not to my knowledge," replied the boatman. "There was three men drowned from her last Thursday, but we found them all the next day."

Railroad joke, A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railro

jokes about railroad