Railroad Jokes
66 railroad jokes and hilarious railroad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about railroad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find a collection of funny railroad jokes that will keep you and your friends entertained! From railroad tracks to trains, engineers to cabooses, trams and Amtrak, these jokes are sure to put a smile on your face.
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Funniest Railroad Short Jokes
Short railroad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The railroad humour may include short rails jokes also.
- Two drunks are crawling on the railroad. One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"
"No worries, I see an elevator coming." - If I apply for a job at a railroad... Will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?
- So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho So right now I'm walking down the railroad tracks with my new Bose noise canceling headpho
- Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A: They've both been laid all over America. - TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person. It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, "Hurry it up, man!"
Cr - I just heard that my ex got a job with the railroad. At least now she'll be paid when she pulls a train.
- What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common? They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.
- My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad... She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.
- Two blondes are walking down the railroad tracks. "Man, all these stairs are killing me," said one.
The other replies, "Forget the stairs, it's these darned low handrails." - I should have noticed that my son, a railroad worker is stealing from his workplace But each time he came home I just ignored the signs
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Railroad One Liners
Which railroad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with railroad? I can suggest the ones about train and lane.
- Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks? He was undertrained
- Why did the railroad thief get caught? He forgot to cover his tracks!
im^dead^inside - Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel
- Why does the school bus driver stop at all railroad crossings? He was trained.
- What do you get when you cover yourself in railroad lines? A tracksuit...
- How did the railroad cross the mountain? He had to train...
- What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor? The training.
- What can you do when your dog is hit by a railroad? You can train it
- I once bought a man a railroad ticket just to watch him wave goodbye.
- A Peanut was walking on a railroad. He didn't hear the train coming. Peanut Butter
- Amazon lost my train railroad I bought recently they said they lost track of the package
- why was the man fishing on the railroad tracks? He wanted to catch a Great Northern.
- If you have the word 'railroad track'... ...how many r's are in it?
- Tried to have s**... on a railroad track, but the train came first.
Railroad Tracks Jokes
Here is a list of funny railroad tracks jokes and even better railroad tracks puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about that guy who ran a marathon on railroad tracks? He trained a lot, but got distracted.
- 2 drinks... Two drunks walking along the railroad tracks ...
#1 : dude, this is the longest stairway ...
#2 : yeah, but that doesn't bug me as bad as these low hand-rails - The pessimist sees a tunnel The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel
The realist sees a train.
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks. - What do you get when you cross an alligator with a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator.
Railroad Worker Jokes
Here is a list of funny railroad worker jokes and even better railroad worker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a hundred old timey Irish railroad workers falling down a hill? A navvy lanch
Silly Railroad Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about railroad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wagon jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make railroad pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pittsburgh
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.
The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in n**... and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
Probably my favorite joke ever.
Two guys are walking through the woods when they stumble upon an old abandoned mine shaft so deep that they can't see the bottom. Intrigued, one of them throws a rock into it to see how deep it is. After listening for quite a while, they never hear it hit the bottom. The other one grabs a bigger rock and hefts it down. They still don't hear it hit bottom. Now they are really curious how deep it is. After a minute of searching, one of them finds a huge railroad tie and signals for his buddy to come help. It takes a bit of work, but they wrestle it to the edge of the hole and push it over. Out of nowhere, a goat comes running right between them, jumping into the mineshaft!
Amazed at what just happened, they start walking away when a park ranger walks up and asks them if they have seen a goat anywhere.
"Yeah, one just ran right between us and jumped into that old mineshaft over there!"
"No, that couldn't be my goat," said the ranger, "mine was tied to a railroad tie."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man sits down at his neighborhood bar...
the bartender said "you look very happy today." The man responded that he so happy since he met a woman. The man explained that he met her a week ago while walking along the railroad tracks on the way home from the bar. "Since the moment we met, she hasn't left my side" the man explains. The bartender asked "did you have s**... with her?" The man responds "oh yeah, 3 times a day." The bartender then asked "did you eat her out? The man replies, "oh yeah, she loves it!" The bartender then asked if he got head? The man replied, "no, I couldn't find that."
Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....
...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad...
...and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track".
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there" answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then" Tom continued "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box".
"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case" Tom argued "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalised?" "Oh well" said Tom "In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train c**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a dog who like to walk the railroad tracks
One day he was a little too close as a train came by and it clipped off the end of his tail. Wondering where it went, he peered over the tracks and the train took his head clean off.
The moral of the story, never risk your head for a little bit of tail.
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who sang at the f**... of those who died in a railroads arson?
Adele.
Some one set fire to the train
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tunnel
Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great s**.... No head, though.
I never found it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Romans once said "All roads lead to Rome"
Much like how the n**...'s said "All railroads lead to Auschwitz"
TIL Before Edward Snowden worked for the government, he worked for the railroad.
He blew the whistle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy narrates of his incredible tale to a friend
"I came across this beautiful woman. She was tied to the railroad tracks. I freed her and we made passionate love. Her body was smoking hot!"
"How was the face?" his friend asked.
"Oh I didn't find the head."
So this guy finds a magic lamp...
This guy finds a magic lamp. Obviously, a Genie comes out of it.
*The Genie: You can make 1 wish, it can be anything. What do you desire?
*The guy: Well, I'd like to have a railroad that connects New York City and Moscow.
*The Genie: That... might be a liitle too much. Is there anything else you would like?
*The Guy: Well, if that's the case, I'd like to be able to understand Women
* The Genie: Did you want express trains as well?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hobos...
were walking down a set of railroad tracks one hot afternoon when they walk up on a dead animal. The first hobo says " alright! something to eat, I haven't eaten in days. Are you going to join me? There is plenty to go around" the second hobo politely declines.
After the first hobo has his fill they continue on their journey down the tracks, when all of the sudden the first hobo stops and says " i'm not feeling so hot." and proceeds to v**.... The second hobo's eyes light up and he say with authentic excitement "now that's what I was waiting for, a nice hot meal."
A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.
First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:
"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"
"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be closer to the railroad."
Switch Operator
This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."
When my girlfriend and I first got together...
... we had a frank discussion wherein she said she's monogamous. I candidly admitted to her that I am polyamorous. So far we've had a great mono-poly thing going. And the upside is, I own all the railroads!!! And a hotel on Boardwalk!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two women left a bar after a night of drinking
On their way home they began following a set of railroad tracks.
After several minutes following the tracks, one woman said "This is the LONGEST flight of stairs i've ever climbed in my life!"
The second said "it's not the stairs that bug me, it's these d**... low railings!"
A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railroad station for home
"Say, cap'n," he said, as he stepped timidly into the rickety old craft, "this boat seems very shaky; was anybody ever lost in her?"
"Not to my knowledge," replied the boatman. "There was three men drowned from her last Thursday, but we found them all the next day."
