The Best 44 Railroad Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Railroad jokes. There are some railroad conductor jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these railroad locomotive puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Railroad Jokes and Puns

Two hobos are walking down the railroad tracks.

One says You know, just last month I found a woman here, tied to the tracks and left for dead.
The other hobo asks so what did you do?'
The first hobo replies I did what anybody else would do; I picked her up off the tracks, took her over to those bushes over there and had my way with her for a week.
Wow says the second hobo, did she give good head?'
The other hobo replies You know, I never did find the head.

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.

Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.

Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks

Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"

Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.

Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"

"No worries, I see an elevator coming."

Railroad joke, Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

Did you hear about the railroad employee who was struck by lightning?

They say he was a great conductor.

What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks?

It's won't be long now!

There once was a dog who like to walk the railroad tracks

One day he was a little too close as a train came by and it clipped off the end of his tail. Wondering where it went, he peered over the tracks and the train took his head clean off.

The moral of the story, never risk your head for a little bit of tail.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

Railroad joke, A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

Why does the school bus driver stop at all railroad crossings?

He was trained.

Why don't many buddhists work in the railroad industry?

they have too many ohms to be good conductors.

I should have noticed that my son, a railroad worker is stealing from his workplace

But each time he came home I just ignored the signs

Two blondes were walking down the railroad tracks.

The first blonde said "man, these steps are killing me!" The second one said "it's not the steps that are killing me, it's these low hand rails!"

You can explore railroad amtrak reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean railroad train dad jokes. There are also railroad puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why don't women get hit by trains?

There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.


Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.

Tried to have sex on a railroad track, but the train came first.

What do you get when you cross a railroad with a refrigerator?


What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor?

The training.

Railroad joke, What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor?

Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

After a while of struggling, one of them slurred, "This must be the longest staircase in the world." The other replied in a drunken lisp, "That's not so bad. But, what's killing me are these low handrails.

Why did the railroad thief get caught?

He forgot to cover his tracks!


I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common?

They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.

I just heard that my ex got a job with the railroad.

At least now she'll be paid when she pulls a train.

TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person.

It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, "Hurry it up, man!"


TIL Before Edward Snowden worked for the government, he worked for the railroad.

He blew the whistle.

Did you hear about that guy who ran a marathon on railroad tracks?

He trained a lot, but got distracted.

A guy narrates of his incredible tale to a friend

"I came across this beautiful woman. She was tied to the railroad tracks. I freed her and we made passionate love. Her body was smoking hot!"

"How was the face?" his friend asked.

"Oh I didn't find the head."

Two blondes are walking down the railroad tracks.

"Man, all these stairs are killing me," said one.

The other replies, "Forget the stairs, it's these darned low handrails."

Your momma is so poor

She put her foodstamps on the railroad track.

Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks?

He was undertrained

A brunette is jumping on railroad tracks...

Saying 65, 65, 65

A blonde goes up to her and asks her what she's doing. She replies Jumping on these tracks and counting, want to join me?

She agrees, and follows the brunette in jumping and saying 65.

A train comes by, and the brunette jumps out of the way at the last second, the blonde dies.

The brunette goes back to jumping and saying 66, 66, 66

What do you get when you cross an alligator with a railroad track?

Three pieces of alligator.

So this guy finds a magic lamp...

This guy finds a magic lamp. Obviously, a Genie comes out of it.
*The Genie: You can make 1 wish, it can be anything. What do you desire?
*The guy: Well, I'd like to have a railroad that connects New York City and Moscow.
*The Genie: That... might be a liitle too much. Is there anything else you would like?
*The Guy: Well, if that's the case, I'd like to be able to understand Women
* The Genie: Did you want express trains as well?

My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

How did the railroad cross the mountain?

He had to train...

What do you get when you cover yourself in railroad lines?

A tracksuit...

Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any head?" And Sean says, "No, I couldn't find it."

The pessimist sees a tunnel

The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel
The realist sees a train.

The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.

I once bought a man a railroad ticket

just to watch him wave goodbye.

What can you do when your dog is hit by a railroad?

You can train it

What do you call a hundred old timey Irish railroad workers falling down a hill?

A navvy lanch

2 drinks...

Two drunks walking along the railroad tracks ...

#1 : dude, this is the longest stairway ...

#2 : yeah, but that doesn't bug me as bad as these low hand-rails

A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.

First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:

"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"

"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be closer to the railroad."

So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...

**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.

**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.

**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?

**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to understand women.

**Genie:** Did you want your railroad to be single or double track?

A man was chatting with his friend.

\-"Guess what happened! I found this woman tied to the railroad tracks. I untied her, and then we made love all night!"

\-"That's amazing dude! What did she look like?"

\-"I don't know, I never found her head."

If I apply for a job at a railroad...

Will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the railroad rail jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working railroad railroading blondes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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