Railroad Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"

"No worries, I see an elevator coming."

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.

Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.

Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks

Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"

Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.

Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

Two hobos are walking down the railroad tracks.

One says You know, just last month I found a woman here, tied to the tracks and left for dead.
The other hobo asks so what did you do?'
The first hobo replies I did what anybody else would do; I picked her up off the tracks, took her over to those bushes over there and had my way with her for a week.
Wow says the second hobo, did she give good head?'
The other hobo replies You know, I never did find the head.


There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.

The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And
I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

Two hunters were hunting in the woods

When one of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom.

"Try something heavier", the other man suggests. They find an old railroad tie nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Two seconds later a goat comes speeding out of the bushes right toward them nearly knocking them in, then falls in the hole.

"What the hell was that!!!!?", one of the men say.

Just then another man runs up and says, "Please, have you seen my goat? It was just here.

"Yes", they reply. "It came charging right at us nearly knocking us in this hole it jumped in!!"

The man says, "That's impossible. I had him tied to a railroad tie."

An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.

Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day finally comes, they strap him into the chair and the guard throws the switch. Sparks fly and smoke curls upward from the straps and skullcap, but the old man is unhurt. The switch is thrown again and again, but always with the same result. Finally he is released from the chair, and the next day the governor commutes his sentence to life in prison.

When a reporter asks him about the incident and why he thought he survived, the man replies, "Well, I've always been a poor conductor."

An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

Why are you so happy? ask the bartender.

Well , the man answers, I live close to the railroad tracks and when I got home last night I saw a woman laying there, tied down. So I untied her, brought here inside and then I banged her all night ... until the morning light."

I can tell you are a romantic" the bartender replies. "And did she also give you a blowjob?"

"Nah" says the man,"I searched for it but I was not able to find the head"

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad...

...and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track".

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there" answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then" Tom continued "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box".

"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case" Tom argued "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalised?" "Oh well" said Tom "In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash!"

Different points of view

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees the train coming.

The train driver sees 3 assholes on the railroad.

Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."


Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.

A blond and a redhead

(sorry if this is a repost or anything, just a funny joke I remember hearing a while back)

A blond notices a redhead doing jumping jacks beside a railroad track. For a while, the blond watches and notices the redhead keeps repeating the number 88 after each jumping jack. Shrugging this off, the blond decides to join the redhead and starts doing jumping jacks next to her. After a while a train comes by and hits the blond. The redhead stops and looks to where the blond was just standing, then starts her jumping jacks again. "89, 89, 89...."


Two guys go camping, but start getting on each other's nerves after a while. So they spend the day apart and meet up in the evening, telling each other about their day. You won't believe what happened to me, says one. I was walking through the forest, when I see this woman tied to some railroad tracks. Anyway, I untie her and spent the entire afternoon having sex, like never before. On top, from behind, sideways, everything! Wow, says the other, did you get a blowjob? No, I couldn't find the head.

Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks?

He was undertrained

Guy calls his buddy and says "man, what a wild night last night! On my way home from the bar I found a woman tied to the railroad tracks!"

"Holy moley," says his buddy. "What did you do?"

"Well first I untied her, then we had sex!"


"Yeah man. I fucked her pussy, her ass, her tits, everything!"

"Even head?"

"Nah, couldn't find it."

So a brunette is walking back and forth across railroad tracks...

...and ever time she crosses she says, "42! 42! 42!"

A blonde happens upon her and is perplexed by what she is seeing. After watching her a while, the blonde determines that it looks like fun, and joins the brunette on the tracks saying, "42! 42! 42!"

Soon the Five O'clock Express comes rumbling down the line. The brunette jumps off the tracks and the train hits the blonde.

The brunette patiently waits for the train to pass, but once it does she starts crossing the tracks again saying, "43! 43! 43!"

Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

After a while of struggling, one of them slurred, "This must be the longest staircase in the world." The other replied in a drunken lisp, "That's not so bad. But, what's killing me are these low handrails.

A train driver drove the train off the railroad

This caused serious damage to the train and injuring everyone on board.

He was called in to see his supervisors.

Supervisor : what the fuck made you do it?!

Train driver : I had to.. there was a cow on the railroad..

Supervisor : were you even thinking?! you should have ran it over and not cause harm to the hundreds on board!

Train driver: exactly my thought! I made up my mind to run it over. silly cow thought it could escape by running out of the railroad.

Why did the railroad thief get caught?

He forgot to cover his tracks!


So this guy finds a magic lamp...

This guy finds a magic lamp. Obviously, a Genie comes out of it.
*The Genie: You can make 1 wish, it can be anything. What do you desire?
*The guy: Well, I'd like to have a railroad that connects New York City and Moscow.
*The Genie: That... might be a liitle too much. Is there anything else you would like?
*The Guy: Well, if that's the case, I'd like to be able to understand Women
* The Genie: Did you want express trains as well?

Sean walks into his local pub in Ireland

His friends all say "Hi Sean", and Sean says "Lads, you wouldn't believe what happened to me while I was walking to the pub. I saw a very shapely lady tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I ran over and untied her and we made passionate love together." One of the guys says "Sean, did you get any head?" And Sean says, "No, I couldn't find it."

Why don't many buddhists work in the railroad industry?

they have too many ohms to be good conductors.

Man sits down at his neighborhood bar...

the bartender said "you look very happy today." The man responded that he so happy since he met a woman. The man explained that he met her a week ago while walking along the railroad tracks on the way home from the bar. "Since the moment we met, she hasn't left my side" the man explains. The bartender asked "did you have sex with her?" The man responds "oh yeah, 3 times a day." The bartender then asked "did you eat her out? The man replies, "oh yeah, she loves it!" The bartender then asked if he got head? The man replied, "no, I couldn't find that."

A guy narrates of his incredible tale to a friend

"I came across this beautiful woman. She was tied to the railroad tracks. I freed her and we made passionate love. Her body was smoking hot!"

"How was the face?" his friend asked.

"Oh I didn't find the head."

TIL Harriet Tubman wasn't a real person.

It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, "Hurry it up, man!"


What do you get when you cross a railroad with a refrigerator?


I just heard that my ex got a job with the railroad.

At least now she'll be paid when she pulls a train.

Chief Bowulls was living in the prairies...

And one day engineers from the American railroad company comes to talk to him saying: Sir, we're sorry, but our company's bought this land to make a railroad pass through, you're going to have to move youre teepee. To which the stoic Bowulls responds: BOWULLS NO MOVE! The engineers figure that he can't understand and leave. Two weeks later they come back and explain the predicament to him once more, and again the chief responds: BOWULLS NO MOVE! He was getting upset with these white men by now and goes to talk to the smartest man he knows, the witch doctor. He tells the doc: BOWULLS NO MOVE! The doctor slips him a pill and sends him on his way. Two days later the engineers are back, and they say: Chief, we're sorry, but- and suddenly they're interrupted, the chief bursts from the teepee and Yells: BOWULLS GOTTA GO, TEEPEE FULL OF SHIT!

What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common?

They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.

A brunette is jumping on railroad tracks...

Saying 65, 65, 65

A blonde goes up to her and asks her what she's doing. She replies Jumping on these tracks and counting, want to join me?

She agrees, and follows the brunette in jumping and saying 65.

A train comes by, and the brunette jumps out of the way at the last second, the blonde dies.

The brunette goes back to jumping and saying 66, 66, 66

Two hungry hobos

Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks bemoaning how long it had been since either one had eaten. They come across a racoon that had been half squished by a train, and one exclaims "Our luck has changed, we can split it!"

The second hobo demurred, "No thanks, I'm going to wait for a hot meal."

"Hot meal? You're nuts, I'm chowing down on this here rail kill," and proceeds scoop up and devour what was left of the racoon.

About 20 minutes later, the first hobo's stomach began to churn and rumble. "Oh, I think I'm going to be sick...."

The second one rubs his hands in delight, "Alright alright alright, here comes my hot meal!"

Ode To The Railroad

There once was a woman from France,
Who got on a freight train by chance,
The engineer fucked her,
So did the conductor,
And the brakeman came in his pants.

What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks?

It's won't be long now!

A Joke My Grandfather Told Me

So, my Grandfather and I were driving along on our way into town, and we crossed a set of railroad tracks.

As we were crossing, my Grandfather said, "You know, there was a bad crash on these tracks back in the day, between a Mustang and an old Firebird."

I thought about it for a second, and then said, "Jeez. I feel bad for whoever owned them."

He cut me off before I could say anything else and said, "You know how I know it was a Mustang and a Firebird?"

He paused, then said, "There was feathers and horse shit everywhere."

My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

Tried to have sex on a railroad track, but the train came first.

A blonde walks to some railroad tracks.

When she gets there she sees a brunette jumping on and off the tracks. The brunette is jumping on and saying, "42," then jumping back off.

The blonde walks up to the brunette and asks her what she is doing. The brunette just keeps jumping and saying "42."

The blonde watches for a few seconds and she decides to give it a try, now the brunette and blonde are both jumping and saying "42."

A train starts coming down the tracks, the brunette walks away, the blonde keeps jumping and saying "42."

The train comes and the blonde goes splat.

Once the train passes the brunette goes back to the tracks and starts jumping on and off of them saying "43."

Two drunks were walking home...

They were walking along the railroad tracks when one says, "Wow, there's a hell of a lot of steps here!" Then the second drunk replies, "I'll tell you whats worse, this hand rail is bloody low too!"

Burt and Marcus

Burt's worked on the railroad for several years as a laborer but all the constant layoffs have got him looking into moving up in the business and he applies for a job working on the actual train. He gets called in for an interview and it's going ok when they get to the final question. The interviewer says "Burt, you are on Train A and it's traveling west at 75 mph but on the same track is Train B traveling east at 85 mph. There is no way for Train A to stop or slow down. What would you do?" Burt hems and haws for a few minutes and then tells the interviewer "Well, I reckon I'd call my brother Marcus."

"Call your brother? Why"

"Well, Marcus ain't never seen no big train wreck before."

Two blondes are walking down the railroad tracks.

"Man, all these stairs are killing me," said one.

The other replies, "Forget the stairs, it's these darned low handrails."

I should have noticed that my son, a railroad worker is stealing from his workplace

But each time he came home I just ignored the signs

Two blondes were walking down the railroad tracks.

The first blonde said "man, these steps are killing me!" The second one said "it's not the steps that are killing me, it's these low hand rails!"

Why don't women get hit by trains?

There is no railroad tracks between the living room and the kitchen.

Did you hear about the railroad employee who was struck by lightning?

They say he was a great conductor.

There once was a dog who like to walk the railroad tracks

One day he was a little too close as a train came by and it clipped off the end of his tail. Wondering where it went, he peered over the tracks and the train took his head clean off.

The moral of the story, never risk your head for a little bit of tail.

Did you hear about that guy who ran a marathon on railroad tracks?

He trained a lot, but got distracted.

Why does the school bus driver stop at all railroad crossings?

He was trained.

What do you get when you cover yourself in railroad lines?

A tracksuit...

What's the worst part about being a railroad conductor?

The training.

What are the funniest railroad jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Railroad? Well, here are the best Railroad puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Railroad pick up lines to share with friends.

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