Rail Me Jokes

94 rail me jokes and hilarious rail me puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rail me that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Short Rail Me Jokes
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Funniest Rail Me Short Jokes

Short rail me jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rail me humour may include short rail jokes also.

My girlfriend is slightly off the rails. I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.
Wow. Those Spaniards are some die hard Ozzy fans.. ..cause they really went off the rails on a crazy train.
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" "Because alcoholism has destroyed my life and my family. Let me get your rail whiskey."
To whoever keeps stealing the stairs to my front porch: I will find you; steps are being taken. If you ever show up here again, you will get such a railing.
I went to the DIY shop I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"
United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business... ...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the endangered Mollusk exhibit? An aquarium employee ran up to the railing and shouted "I'll go get help, don't move a mussel!
Did you hear about the bottom who was hit by a train? He died doing what he loved; getting railed
A discussion me and my wife just had *Me trying to place the curtain on its rails*
Me:I can't reach it, I need 10 more cm to do it!
Wife:*sigh*.. I know..
Experts now bringing in Ozzy Osbourne to assess the Amtrak derailment in Washington As he is certified on going off the rails on a crazy train.

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Rail Me One Liners

Which rail me one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rail me? I can suggest the ones about railroad train and train ride.

My mother in law has gone a bit off the rails. Hopefully the train still gets her.
Why don't lightsabers have picatinny rails? Jedi aren't allowed to have attachments.
What do you call two gay guys riding the rails in an empty boxcar? Hobosexuals
How about that train food? It's off the rails
What language does robot Marco run on? Rubio on rails
Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba? He didn't want to play second fidel
A nearly dead baby is like building a new porch To finish it off it needs a good railing
In what country do they not care what they're women look like? I'll-still-rail-ya
My great grandfather died in Auschwitz Those guard towers needed better safety rails
What was the train to Ireland called? The ginger rail
I had a great experience with Amtrak... it was OFF THE RAILS
A French man was transporting very rail snails... You could say it was precious escargot.
What do you call a staircase with no railing in an old folks home? A stairway to heaven.
Network Rail (Only people in the UK will get this)
What type of video game do you play a coke head killer? An on rail shooter.

Rail Me Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about rail me you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean railroad tracks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rail me pranks.

Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door.

She opens it and is very beautiful and charming.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing. Just then, Jason's date walks out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

Q: Why is horse racing so romantic?
A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit s**...," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

The awesome power of a wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.
"They're for the f**...."

Heaven

Three guys are at the gates of heaven. The angel Gabriel tells them that he has to know how they died before he lets them in. The first guy says "I came home to my apartment on the 4th floor to find that I had been robbed! I was looking around to see if the thief left any signs, and check out the damage, and I saw someone outside the balcony hanging for their life. Thinking they were the thief, I smashed their fingers with a hammer and they fell. Miraculously, they survived. So I pushed my refrigerator off the balcony and it fell on top of them and killed them. Realizing what I had done, I had a heart attack and died. Gabriel says "Well, you obviously were in shock, and you clearly were remorseful, so I'll let you in." The second guy says "I was doing pull-ups on my 5th floor balcony railing when I slipped underneath the rail and fell. Luckily I managed to grab onto the 4th floor railing and was hanging on for dear life when this crazy guy ran up and started pounding at my fingers with a hammer. I fell to the street below, but miraculously I survived. The last thing I saw was him pushing his fridge off the balcony, and it fell on me and killed me." Gabriel says "Although you were reckless, it wasn't your intent, so go on in." The third guy says "I was robbing this guys apartment, and heard him unlocking the door, so I jumped into the fridge."

A heroic biker . . .

Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit s**...."
While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Meeting a blind date

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nerviously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms, and Rollo jumped through and went right over the balcony railing. Just then, Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth," he replied, "He seemed a little depressed to me."

Barack Obama was out jogging one day...

When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before secret service could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney world!" To which Obama replied, "not a problem, I'll even fly you there in Air Force one." The second kid then says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's!" "You got it." Said Obama. "I'll even have Michael Jordan himself sign them." Then the third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in big screen tv and headset." Obama seemed a bit confused at this. "You don't look like yore handicapped." He said. To which the kid replied, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

Why did the stair railing give money to Beethoven?

A bannister always pays his deafs.

What do blind trains read?

Raile!

Two bums

Two bums are walking down the rail road tracks.
b**...#1 turns to the other and says: "just last week I was walking down these same tracks, and I found a bottle of whiskey. I stayed drunk for a week, it was the best week ever!"
b**...#2 listening intently replies: "that's nothing man, I was walking down these same tracks last week and I found a lady, we had s**... over and over, it was the best week ever!"
b**...#1 asked: "did she give good head?"
b**...#2 replied: "no, I never found her head"

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a s**..., and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.
"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"
"Officer or enlisted Sir?" was the instant reply.
"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"
"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."
"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"
The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"

Jimmy savile was such a hypocrite...

advertising British Rail trains when all the time he was riding Virgins.

What does Amtrak have in common with Tom Cruise?

They both like to go off the rails

Only mass transit kids will get this!

We rank the top rails, the third one will shock you!

High-Speed Rail in the US.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Two blondes were walking down the railroad tracks.

The first blonde said "man, these steps are killing me!" The second one said "it's not the steps that are killing me, it's these low hand rails!"

What's wrong with Andrew Jackson?

He had an Underground Rail Road too, called the Trail of Tears.

2016 is going off the rails with all the people getting offended. There are even some people who've decided it's racist to say "black paint".

Instead you're supposed to say something like "Shawn, would you please paint that fence?"

A pessimist, an optimist and a realist talk about what they see...

The pessimist says: "I see a dark tunnel."
The optimist says: "I see light at the end of the tunnel."
The realist says: "I think I see a train!"
The train driver screams: "Three morons on the rails!"

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course

The aftermath was terrible.

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

I'll take my chances

A Sunday church service was coming to an end. This gorgeous blonde girl started to make her way out to get ahead of the crowd.
As she was walking down the stairs, her dress got caught on the corner of a railing and was instantly pulled off. She was stark n**... in the middle of the church.
The pastor looked down immediately, talking into the mic. He said "Nobody look. If anyone looks, so help me God, the Lord will blind you."
The guy next to me put his hand over half of his face and said, "I think I'll take my chances with one eye."

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.

The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"

A man was just waiting for the train when a woman stops by and asks if she is on the right spot for the hospital.

The man tells her that she isn't and that she should probably stand on the rails.

Why is doing coke with Carrie Fisher on a train fun?

Cause she's already on a couple of rails.

I have more in common with Thomas the train than most think

For one thing, we're both stuck on rails!
*Apparently I messed up on Thomas' correct title
Yes Thomas the tank engine.

Old Russian joke from Soviet times

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.
Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik (volunteer work-program), so that workers and peasants will fix the problem."
Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!"
Khrushchev then chimes in, "Let's take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front".
Then Brezhnev says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

A guy wants to commit s**...

A guy wants to commit s**... but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to s**... poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places the noose around his neck, puts the gun to his temple and takes a mouthful of poison and jumps. The gun goes off and he misses his head and the bullet cuts the rope in half. He screams as he falls into the water below. The water rushes into his mouth and washes the poison away. He swims to shore and says " Thank God, if I hadn't been able to swim I might have drowned."

An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex-girlfriend standing on the railings ...

An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex\-girlfriend standing on the railings, about to commit s**.... He apporaches her and asks:
\- Hey Sheila, what's the matter?
Tears in here eyes, she says:
\- I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby!
To which Bruce replies:
\- Woah Sheila, not only are you brilliant in bed \- you're also a great sport!

Two hungry hobos

Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks bemoaning how long it had been since either one had eaten. They come across a racoon that had been half squished by a train, and one exclaims "Our luck has changed, we can split it!"
The second hobo demurred, "No thanks, I'm going to wait for a hot meal."
"Hot meal? You're nuts, I'm chowing down on this here rail kill," and proceeds scoop up and devour what was left of the racoon.
About 20 minutes later, the first hobo's stomach began to churn and rumble. "Oh, I think I'm going to be sick...."
The second one rubs his hands in delight, "Alright alright alright, here comes my hot meal!"

In honor of the Kentucky Derby:

Horse Racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money goodbye.

The pessimist doesn't se the the light at the end of the tunnel, the optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the realist sees the train in the tunnel...

... and the the train driver sees the three insane people on rails.

A boy walks in on his parents...

He sees his dad railing his mom from behind. His dad looks over at him and gives him a big thumbs up and continues on. After they finish, the mom says that he should check on the boy and see how he's doing. So the father goes downstairs and hears a weird noise coming from his room. He opens the door and sees his son ramming his grandma from behind, the boy looks over and says How do you like it when someone is doing this to your mom.

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have s**... with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

Soviet Joke

Petja sees Ivan Vasilievich sitting on a rail track. Being tired and wanting to sit he walks up to Ivan and says: Ivan Vasilievich, move over.

An American businessman

An American businessman travels to Japan to do business with a Japanese company.
He is in his 50's so he hasn't had s**... in years so he decided to hire a p**... .
He led her to his room and started railing on her , it was great s**... but she kept on yelling this same Japanese phrase that he didn't know.
A couple months later he was back in America and was golfing with his Japanese friend.
His friend was really great at golf and he got a whole in one .
He wanted to impress his friend on his Japanese so he said the same phrase that the p**... told him.
His Japanese friend turned to him confused and said
Wrong hole?

Why are the rails on train tracks 4 feet and 8 ½ inches apart?

Because if they wasn't the train will fall right off the track.

So this morning I mistook "Thomas & Friends" for "Fox & Friends"...

And I spent the whole hour wondering why the characters were off the rails.

2 drinks...

Two drunks walking along the railroad tracks ...
#1 : dude, this is the longest stairway ...
#2 : yeah, but that doesn't bug me as bad as these low hand-rails

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

A guy goes to the pub...

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had s**... over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"
"I don't know. I never found her head."

It's so rewarding...

...to tell children at the station that the entry to Hogwart's Rail is just a matter of speed...

I just got done playing Tony Hawk's Pro Masturbator 2. If you're not familiar with that game it's where you pretend you are Tony,

while grinding away on a gnarly rail bro.

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

Woman is standing on the balcony rails

She is ready to jump as her husband is standing next to her. She says
-Im a sick of this world and you
The kids are horrible and do not let me sleep
I live in a horrible flat and everything is broken
I don't have any money for myself
And God d**... stop pushing me Carl!
(I again believe this might have been already seen by more people than*(edit thanks to @apocalypse) I would like to)

Old lady on a cruise...

An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.

The kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, "Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?"
To which the Aussie replies, "Dunno, mate, but I do know it'll make us even."

Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving

A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."

Two women left a bar after a night of drinking

On their way home they began following a set of railroad tracks.
After several minutes following the tracks, one woman said "This is the LONGEST flight of stairs i've ever climbed in my life!"
The second said "it's not the stairs that bug me, it's these d**... low railings!"