Rail Jokes
47 rail jokes and hilarious rail puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about rail that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find out why British Rail is so popular with humorous jokes about the rail strike, track and rode, and the railroad. With these jokes and more, you'll be sure to have a rail me good time!
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Funniest Rail Short Jokes
Short rail jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The rail humour may include short train jokes also.
- My girlfriend is slightly off the rails. I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.
- Wow. Those Spaniards are some die hard Ozzy fans.. ..cause they really went off the rails on a crazy train.
- A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" "Because alcoholism has destroyed my life and my family. Let me get your rail whiskey."
- To whoever keeps stealing the stairs to my front porch: I will find you; steps are being taken. If you ever show up here again, you will get such a railing.
- I went to the DIY shop I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"
- United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business... ...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.
- Did you hear about the guy who fell into the endangered Mollusk exhibit? An aquarium employee ran up to the railing and shouted "I'll go get help, don't move a mussel!
- Did you hear about the bottom who was hit by a train? He died doing what he loved; getting railed
- A discussion me and my wife just had *Me trying to place the curtain on its rails*
Me:I can't reach it, I need 10 more cm to do it!
Wife:*sigh*.. I know.. - Experts now bringing in Ozzy Osbourne to assess the Amtrak derailment in Washington As he is certified on going off the rails on a crazy train.
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Rail One Liners
Which rail one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with rail? I can suggest the ones about roads and train tracks.
- My mother in law has gone a bit off the rails. Hopefully the train still gets her.
- Why don't lightsabers have picatinny rails? Jedi aren't allowed to have attachments.
- What do you call two gay guys riding the rails in an empty boxcar? Hobosexuals
- How about that train food? It's off the rails
- What language does robot Marco run on? Rubio on rails
- Why didn't rail Castro want to be President of Cuba? He didn't want to play second fidel
- A nearly dead baby is like building a new porch To finish it off it needs a good railing
- In what country do they not care what they're women look like? I'll-still-rail-ya
- My great grandfather died in Auschwitz Those guard towers needed better safety rails
- What was the train to Ireland called? The ginger rail
- I had a great experience with Amtrak... it was OFF THE RAILS
- A French man was transporting very rail snails... You could say it was precious escargot.
- What do you call a staircase with no railing in an old folks home? A stairway to heaven.
- Network Rail (Only people in the UK will get this)
- What type of video game do you play a coke head killer? An on rail shooter.
Rail Me Jokes
Here is a list of funny rail me jokes and even better rail me puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course The aftermath was terrible.
- I just got done playing Tony Hawk's Pro Masturbator 2. If you're not familiar with that game it's where you pretend you are Tony, while grinding away on a gnarly rail bro.
- A man was just waiting for the train when a woman stops by and asks if she is on the right spot for the hospital. The man tells her that she isn't and that she should probably stand on the rails.
- Jimmy savile was such a hypocrite... advertising British Rail trains when all the time he was riding Virgins.
- Soviet Joke Petja sees Ivan Vasilievich sitting on a rail track. Being tired and wanting to sit he walks up to Ivan and says: Ivan Vasilievich, move over.
- In honor of the Kentucky Derby: Horse Racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money goodbye.
- Two blondes were walking down the railroad tracks. The first blonde said "man, these steps are killing me!" The second one said "it's not the steps that are killing me, it's these low hand rails!"
- It's so rewarding... ...to tell children at the station that the entry to Hogwart's Rail is just a matter of speed...
- What's wrong with Andrew Jackson? He had an Underground Rail Road too, called the Trail of Tears.
- 2 drinks... Two drunks walking along the railroad tracks ...
#1 : dude, this is the longest stairway ...
#2 : yeah, but that doesn't bug me as bad as these low hand-rails
Gather Around for Heartwarming Rail Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about rail you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean track jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make rail pranks.
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...
The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde visit a magical bridge.
The sign reads "Magical bridge: Jump off the bridge and shout out what you want to land in and so it shall be."
The brunette goes first, she climbs on the rail, jumps off and yells "Pillows!" She lands safe and sound in a pile of pillows.
The redhead jumps next. " Hundred dollar bills!" She yells and lands in a huge pile of money.
The blonde goes last. She climbs up, jumps off and gets scared. She yells "Oh shiiiiiiiit!"
What do you need to cause a railway accident in Mexico?
A loco-motive.
Why did the railroad thief get caught?
He forgot to cover his tracks!
im^dead^inside
Railway Rescue
The other day I rescued a woman who was tied to a railway track. After I untied her we made love. We tried everything except o**... 'cause i couldn't find her head.
I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.
My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.
Two bums
Two bums are walking down the rail road tracks.
b**...#1 turns to the other and says: "just last week I was walking down these same tracks, and I found a bottle of whiskey. I stayed drunk for a week, it was the best week ever!"
b**...#2 listening intently replies: "that's nothing man, I was walking down these same tracks last week and I found a lady, we had s**... over and over, it was the best week ever!"
b**...#1 asked: "did she give good head?"
b**...#2 replied: "no, I never found her head"
How did the railroad cross the mountain?
He had to train...
Why are the rails on train tracks 4 feet and 8 ½ inches apart?
Because if they wasn't the train will fall right off the track.
Why do railways have TTEs
Because they have to give birth
Two hungry hobos
Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks bemoaning how long it had been since either one had eaten. They come across a racoon that had been half squished by a train, and one exclaims "Our luck has changed, we can split it!"
The second hobo demurred, "No thanks, I'm going to wait for a hot meal."
"Hot meal? You're nuts, I'm chowing down on this here rail kill," and proceeds scoop up and devour what was left of the racoon.
About 20 minutes later, the first hobo's stomach began to churn and rumble. "Oh, I think I'm going to be sick...."
The second one rubs his hands in delight, "Alright alright alright, here comes my hot meal!"
