Heartwarming Racing Jokes that Make You Laugh
Snail Racing
My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish
A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.
She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.
"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.
"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.
"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"
Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"
2 cats are racing across the English Channel,
an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux t**...." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux t**... cat sank.
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
How do you make a racing snail faster?
I tried taking his shell off but it only made him more sluggish.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...
It only made it more sluggish.
Years ago I used to do a lot of drag racing...
...buy I kept tripping in those high heels
I took the shell off my racing snail...
... thinking it would make it go faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish.
Racing snail.
My racing snail hadn't been out for a while, so i took his shell off to make him more streamlined. Unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
I removed the shell of my racing snail to make it go faster.
But it just made it more sluggish.
I wanted to make my racing snail faster..
So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
You can explore racing greyhound reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean racing car dad jokes. There are also racing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you do with a no-legged greyhound?
Take it drag racing
Never remove the shells from racing snails
it makes them sluggish
I took the shell off my racing snail to speed it up.
If anything it made it more sluggish.
I tried to download Ford Racing 2 today...
It crashed.
I used to own a racing snail...
It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish
I cheated in the annual rabbit racing contest.....
I won by a hare
I had a racing snail...
To make him more aero-dynamic I took off its shell. If anything it made him more sluggish
A cheetah and a lion are racing in Africa
After the cheetah easily wins, the lion complains: "Man, you're a cheetah" and the cheetah says: "Naw man you're a lion".
Two s**... are racing each other to get to the egg first
After awhile one s**... says, "Shouldn't we be there by now?"
The other s**... says, "I don't think so, we just passed the esophagus."
The racing driver
The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.
With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.
"There's the problem," says the engineer. "Too much drag."
2 s**... are racing toward the egg.
One s**... asks the other "How far is it until we reach the egg?"
The other s**... replies "It can't be far now we just passed the tonsils"
Justin Bieber is on a game show...
He is asked the question; "what is one of the most popular pieces of clothing in India?" Bieber's mind is racing, well as fast as his mind can race, but the timer buzzes. Time is up.
Put out, Bieber cries out, "Is it too late to say sari?"
I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping it would make him faster.
But, unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities
Their first project will be Drag Racing
I've been doing some drag racing recently.
It's quite the transsport.
My Dad's favorite sports are horse racing, bike racing, and women...
... basically anything where you can put a leg over something and ride it.
Today I decided to take the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster...
If anything he seems more sluggish!
I hate racing of any kind but I'm terrified to tell anyone...
I just don't want to be labeled a racist
There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.
He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn't understand.
The snail wanted a big S on the driver's and passenger's doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
When I drive by someone at high speed I want them to say 'Look at that S-car go.'
I took the shell off my racing snail so that he would go faster
but now he is a little sluggish.
I recently bought a second hand car.
It only had one previous owner, a little old lady, who only used it once a week, on a Sunday - when she took it drag racing.
Took The Shell Off Of My Racing Snail,
I Thought He Would Go Faster But It Only Made Him 'Sluggish'.
Don't you love it when you get beautiful texts from someone that cares about you?
So eloquently written, it ties your stomach in knots. Writing so succinct and captivating it gets your heart pounding and racing. Using words that convey such great ideas. I got one like that one today. It read
"Ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill."
Truly powerful words. They **blew** me away
My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...
"And they're off!"
I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.
I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.
I wish i wasn't as good at s**... as i am at go-kart racing...
^I ^always ^finish ^first.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing
She's at the gate... and she's off
What I don't understand about drag racing
is why they're all dressed like women.
I removed the shell from my racing snail to help him go faster
If anything , it made him more sluggish
I tried horse racing once, but I fell at the first fence.
I might have done better if I had a horse
A friend and I decided to see who would die first after eating a tide pod...
Now this is pod racing.
I don't know what people don't get about drag racing.
It's very straight forward.
Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing
Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs
What's the hardest part about drag racing?
Running in heels.
Did you all hear about the new snail racing league?
Yeah, it's called NASCARGOT
What's the best way to make a million dollars in racing?
Start with 2 million.
I removed the shell from my racing snail thinking he'd be faster..
He's actually more sluggish now.
I dont care if I seem racist
Drag racing just is not as impressive as formula 1.
I tried drag racing the other day
It is m**... trying to run in heels.
What do you call someone who thinks NASCAR is superior to any other racing sport?
A racist.
What sound does a racing vacuums engine make
BROOM BROOM
You're so old...
When they bury you, paleontologists will be racing to dig you back up.
2 cats were racing across the English channel
An english cat named onetwothree, and a french cat name undeuxtrois.
Which cat won?
123 cat won because undeuxtroix quatre cinq
We were at McDonalds racing down the slides and I beat my son
I explained to the police it was because he was trying to cheat.
What do you call two speeding men in dresses?
Drag racing.
If horse racing is the "sport of kings"
is drag racing the sport of queens?
I bought a racing snail
I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.
It didn't work, it became more sluggish.
R stands for Racing
that's exactly what I thought too before shifting the gear on my car to R at 120 mph
I took the shell off my racing snail to help him go faster.
Didn't work. It actually made him more sluggish.
I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.
But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.
My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I'm bad at it.
No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.
Three cats were racing across a lake
They were named OneTwoThree, UnDeuxTrois, and UnoDosTres. OneTwoThree won, UnoDosTres got second, but UnDeuxTrois was nowhere to be found.
Because the UnDeuxTrois quatre cinq.
It's 3 in the morning and an elderly Jewish man is flying down the highway at 105 mph. A state trooper pulls him over.
"Where in the h**... are you racing to at this hour?"
"To a lecture, officer."
"Who gives a lecture at 3 a.m.?"
"My wife."
Speeding Ticket
A cop was waiting in a speed trap on the interstate when a guy in a sport car came racing by him at over a 100 mph. The cop immediately pulls out behind the speedster and turns on his lights. The guy pulls over and the cop walks over to the window. The cop looks at the guy smiling and says I've been waiting for someone like you all day. The guy responses well I came as fast as I could.
What do we want? racing car noises when do we want them
neooooooww
I hope Bethesda's next Elder Scrolls game is a racing thriller set in South California
They already have the perfect name for it: TES: LA Motors. I don't see why they couldn't.
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
An englishman, frenchmen, and spaniard were racing their cats on a paper boat in the water
They each name their cat the same in each language. The Englishman names his cat "One Two Three". The Frenchman names his "Un deux t**...". The Spaniard names his "Uno dos tres". The race begins, and Uno dos tres wins, with one two three at second place. The Frenchman's cat is nowhere to be found. After searching, the Frenchman comes to a conclusion. He goes to the other men, and says, "The Un deux t**... cat sank"
I'm thinking about getting into drag racing...
It looks pretty straight forward.
Racing a bear
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, 'What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear.' 'I don't need to outrun the bear,' the first guy says. 'I just need to outrun you.'
Jimmy was racing his friends to the nearest tree
"Last one there's a p**...!" one of the older kids said.
This motivated Jimmy. He was set on winning.
He would not be deterred.
I've been breeding racing deer
Just trying to make a quick buck
My friend invited me to go drag racing with him and I thought yeah that sounds fun
Turns out it is really freaking hard to run in the heels
In hopes of making my racing snail faster, I removed its shell.
But it only became more sluggish
I was out mowing my lawn...
I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.
The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.
I tried catch it, but it went racing around the block, then back into my yard and right up my tallest tree. Then fell right off the top of the tree.
Feeling bad I took the cat to the vet, the doctor gave the cat an exam and I finally asked, "Is the cat alright?"
The doctor replied, "the cat is fine, it just ran out of gas."
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo
He pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when
one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's incredibly hard to run in heels.
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
My girlfriend bet me I couldn't make a racing car out of spaghetti…
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta
My racing snail was too slow, so I tried removing his shell to speed him up
It made him even more sluggish
The Bikers
A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.
They get ready for the uneven race. A countdown is proclaimed and the racing biker speeds away. The old biker shuts off his bike and returns to his beer.
They say live fast, die young
But ESPN keeps rejecting my pilot episode of Baby Formula 1 Racing
What kind of car racing comes from Mexico?
Formula Juan
I removed the shell from my racing snail.
I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it's more sluggish.
Drag racing is my favorite sport
I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.
