races Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious races puns

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.


Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.


Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind...


I'm one of those people who thinks different races shouldn't mix

Which is why I don't participate in triathlons


Racism exists among all races of the world

white people are just better at it, like most things.


Snail Racing

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish


I find certain races unattractive...

Marathons are one thing, but triathlons seem like too much trouble.


Why did Hitler always win foot races?

He was the fascist one.


Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike


[NSFW] Why don't pedophiles ever win races?

They're always coming in a little behind.


I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.


A nun was about to take a Bath

A nun was about to take a bath. She undressed and just as she dipped her holy toe in the water she hears a faint knock on the front door. "Who is it?" she calls. "It's the blind man from down the road!" Shuffling around, unable to find her towel, the nun races to the door and decides it would be okay to open the door. As she opens the door she is greeted with a bright smile. "Good morning sister. Lovely pair of tits you have. Now where do you want these blinds?"


I think you are the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'


So some racehorses are chatting in the stables....

So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27" said another

"Oh that's good" says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won 28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently, listening into the conversation.

"Excuse me gentlemen. But out of my last 72 races. I've won 70 of them" says the greyhound smugly

"Holy Fuck!" Exclaimed one of the horses.

"A Talking Dog?"


Is it ok to hate certain races?

Because I can't stand doing 5ks.


Is it okay to hate certain races?

Because I hate the 10k, more of a 5k type of guy.


Is it bad that I hate certain races...?

Because the hundred meter dash really irks me.


Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy?

Apparently NASCAR fans didn't want to mix the races....


Frying pan..

A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? "
The man asked.
The wife replied:
"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man said:
"Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "
The wife apologized & went on with the housework.
3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan.
The man shouted in pain. .
"What was that for? "
Wife replied:
"Your horse phoned. "


I realized why Scandanavians are the fastest runners in the world...

...all their races start near the Finnish line.


I'm not racist, I love all races.

Apart from marathons, fuck marathons.


Its not surprising that Republicans lost two presidental races to Obama

In long races usually the guy from Kenya wins.


So a young zebra asks his father...

"Dad, am I white with black stripes or black with white strpes?"

"I don't know, son. Go ask God"

So the young zebra goes to see god, and asks " God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

To which God replies "You are what you are."

At that moment the young zebra races home and yells "Dad, dad, dad! I know what I am, now!"

The dad asks, "Ok, what are you?"

"I'm white with black stripes, because if I were black with white stripes God would have said 'You is what you is.'"


Is it okay to hate certain races?

My friends want me to do a 10k but I don't really like running more than 5k at a time.


Talking dog

Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!". The horses are clearly amazed. "Fuck me!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."


The Lone Ranger get bit a snake

The lone Ranger and Tonto are out on the plains. The Lone Ranger somehow gets bitten on the penis by a poisonous snake.

He sends Tonto into the closest town to get a doctor and an antidote. The doctor says , 'There is no antidote for this, you're going to have to suck the poison out'.

Tonto races back out to the Lone Ranger. 'What did the doctor say?,' asked the Lone Ranger.

'Doctor said you're going to die.'


2 Jamaicans are lost in the desert..

After wandering aimlessly for hours, one of the two spots an oasis in the distance. As they draw nearer, the other man spots an odd tree growing at the oasis, a tree with bacon for leaves. He turns to his friend and says "Look man, it's a bacon tree!!". His friend replies " No way man you're hallucinating, that's just a palm tree". The first man leaves his friend and races to the bacon tree as fast as his legs can carry him. But once he reaches the tree, a group of thugs spring out and set upon the lone Jamaican. In the midst of the brawl, the Jamaican shouts to his friend "You were right man, that's no bacon tree: it's a Ham Bush!"


Inner city youths

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of a car in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the Mc Laren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the inner city youths as most races could be won or lost in the pits.
the first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the Mc Laren team boss noticed a real problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!.


Barry likes the number five.

He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.

One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.

It finished fifth.


I'm not racist I love all races

Except marathons I hate running


Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he's on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, leaning over his bed.

Your wife's fine, and she gave birth to two healthy twins, a boy and a girl. The doctors needed names, so I had to name them."

Jim was wary. What'd you name them?

I named the girl Denise, Jack said.

That's a good name, Jim breathed out a sigh of relief. What'd you name the boy?



Two greyhound are sitting in a stable

They are both boasting to each other about their racing victories. The first dog says "I've won six of my last ten races". The second dog replies with "That's nothing, I've won fourteen of my last twenty races". At this point, a fed up racehorse pokes his head round the corner and says "You're both pathetic, I've won ninety-nine of my last hundred races, and only lost one because I was ill. The dogs look at each other, amazed.
"Bloody hell, did you see that? A talking horse!"


We need to stop mixing races. By doing so it creates people with an unfair advantage when it comes to competition.

No matter how hard I try I still can't outrun a Nascar.


A Lizard was walking one day and happened to look up and see a Koala getting high...

So the Lizard shouts "Hey Koala, what are you doing up there?"

The Koala responds by saying "Nothing man, just smoking a joint, want to come up for a bit?"

The Lizard agrees and quickly scurries up the tree. After a few passes, he tells the Koala he's extremely thirsty and the Koala reminds him that a river isn't far from the tree they are in.

The Lizard goes down the tree and races to the river but due to him being so high, once he gets to the water he slips and falls in. A Crocodile watching him swims over and saves the little Lizard from drowning.

"What's wrong with you?" asked the Crocodile.

"Dude, I was just in a tree smoking a joint with Koala and I got so thirsty and came to get a drink but I slipped and fell in," the Lizard replies

The Crocodile decides for himself he needs to go check out the Lizard's story and goes to find the Koala. After a few moments, he sees the Koala in the tree smoking a joint just as the lizard had said.

"Hey Koala!" Crocodile shouts at the tree.

The Koala looks down at the Crocodile and says:

Shiiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?


Why do pedophiles finish last in races?

They're always coming in a little behind.


What are the most funny Races jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Races? Well, here are the best Races dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Races pick up lines to share with friends.

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