Races Jokes

What are some Races jokes?

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind...

I'm one of those people who thinks different races shouldn't mix

Which is why I don't participate in triathlons

Racism exists among all races of the world

white people are just better at it, like most things.

Snail Racing

My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster. Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish

I find certain races unattractive...

Marathons are one thing, but triathlons seem like too much trouble.

Why did Hitler always win foot races?

He was the fascist one.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike

I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.

Is it ok to hate certain races?

Because I can't stand doing 5ks.

Is it okay to hate certain races?

Because I hate the 10k, more of a 5k type of guy.

Is it bad that I hate certain races...?

Because the hundred meter dash really irks me.

Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy?

Apparently NASCAR fans didn't want to mix the races....

Frying pan..

A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? "
The man asked.
The wife replied:
"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man said:
"Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "
The wife apologized & went on with the housework.
3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan.
The man shouted in pain. .
"What was that for? "
Wife replied:
"Your horse phoned. "

I realized why Scandanavians are the fastest runners in the world...

...all their races start near the Finnish line.

Its not surprising that Republicans lost two presidental races to Obama

In long races usually the guy from Kenya wins.

So a young zebra asks his father...

"Dad, am I white with black stripes or black with white strpes?"

"I don't know, son. Go ask God"

So the young zebra goes to see god, and asks " God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

To which God replies "You are what you are."

At that moment the young zebra races home and yells "Dad, dad, dad! I know what I am, now!"

The dad asks, "Ok, what are you?"

"I'm white with black stripes, because if I were black with white stripes God would have said 'You is what you is.'"

Is it okay to hate certain races?

My friends want me to do a 10k but I don't really like running more than 5k at a time.

2 Jamaicans are lost in the desert..

After wandering aimlessly for hours, one of the two spots an oasis in the distance. As they draw nearer, the other man spots an odd tree growing at the oasis, a tree with bacon for leaves. He turns to his friend and says "Look man, it's a bacon tree!!". His friend replies " No way man you're hallucinating, that's just a palm tree". The first man leaves his friend and races to the bacon tree as fast as his legs can carry him. But once he reaches the tree, a group of thugs spring out and set upon the lone Jamaican. In the midst of the brawl, the Jamaican shouts to his friend "You were right man, that's no bacon tree: it's a Ham Bush!"

Inner city youths

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of a car in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the Mc Laren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the inner city youths as most races could be won or lost in the pits.
the first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the Mc Laren team boss noticed a real problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!.

Barry likes the number five.

He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.

One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.

It finished fifth.

I'm not racist I love all races

Except marathons I hate running

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he's on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, leaning over his bed.

Your wife's fine, and she gave birth to two healthy twins, a boy and a girl. The doctors needed names, so I had to name them."

Jim was wary. What'd you name them?

I named the girl Denise, Jack said.

That's a good name, Jim breathed out a sigh of relief. What'd you name the boy?

Denephew.

We need to stop mixing races. By doing so it creates people with an unfair advantage when it comes to competition.

No matter how hard I try I still can't outrun a Nascar.

A Lizard was walking one day and happened to look up and see a Koala getting high...

So the Lizard shouts "Hey Koala, what are you doing up there?"

The Koala responds by saying "Nothing man, just smoking a joint, want to come up for a bit?"

The Lizard agrees and quickly scurries up the tree. After a few passes, he tells the Koala he's extremely thirsty and the Koala reminds him that a river isn't far from the tree they are in.

The Lizard goes down the tree and races to the river but due to him being so high, once he gets to the water he slips and falls in. A Crocodile watching him swims over and saves the little Lizard from drowning.

"What's wrong with you?" asked the Crocodile.

"Dude, I was just in a tree smoking a joint with Koala and I got so thirsty and came to get a drink but I slipped and fell in," the Lizard replies

The Crocodile decides for himself he needs to go check out the Lizard's story and goes to find the Koala. After a few moments, he sees the Koala in the tree smoking a joint just as the lizard had said.

"Hey Koala!" Crocodile shouts at the tree.

The Koala looks down at the Crocodile and says:

Shiiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?

A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'willies' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.



As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in year 3?



'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Atlantic Jewell in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.

Why do pedophiles finish last in races?

They're always coming in a little behind.

I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past.

Stupid memory foam...

I'm not a racist, I just believe that...

the Indy 500 is superior to all other races.

I lost all my money betting on horse races.

Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can.

Prejudiced..

A few nights ago, I was at a bar having a lively debate with a few mates when a woman from the next table walks over and starts shouting at me. I'm not entirely sure which part of the discussion she had overheard, but she started accusing me of being prejudiced against certain races -- which I am.


I said to her, "I'm sorry, but I do personally think that certain races are just inherently stupid and pointless and we need to get rid of them."


In a really uppity tone, she says, "Oh, really? Can you give me some examples?"


I said, "Sure. The egg-and-spoon ... the three-legged ..."

Is it ok to hate a certain race?

I am fine with 5km races but marathons just do my head in.

I like to imagine my fingers as the races of Middle Earth...

The thumb is the dwarf because it's stout

The pinkie is the hobbit because it's diminutive

The index is the elf because it's the most dexterous

The ring is the human because they were given the most rings

And the middle is the orc... because it's the rudest

They're giving Caitlyn Jenner ANOTHER TV show

Apparently, they have her competing in the Olympics again. It's going to be called "Drag Races".

Why can't Priests win races?

They're always coming in a little behind.

Paedophiles are not allowed to win any races.

They always have to come in a little behind.

All races are not made equal

The 10k is twice as long as the 5k race

I hate it when people call me racist...

When I'm not. I hate all races equally.

A man comes home drunk late at night.

He hears his cuckoo clock strike four a.m.

Vaguely remembering he promised his wife to be home before midnight, his mind races to come up with a plan: He imitates the clock's call some more times, and his wife will be none the wiser. When he finally goes to bed, his wife doesn't say a word; no lecture, no tirade.

The next morning, his wife says "You'll have to take the clock for repairs, dear."

"Why's that, it worked so nicely when I got home at eleven."

"Yeah, well first the clock called four times, then seven more times, then it gave a burp, hit the wardrobe and got some serious hiccups, that's not normal for a clock."

THE BLACK CONDOM

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks, Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here? Sorry sir, the owner responds, but, we're all full. Aw, please I really need some poon tang! And the owner answers, Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom. Whatever, the man answers quickly and races upstairs.

A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom? And the owner answers, Respect for the dead.

I have a sexual attraction and fetish for car races

I just love getting off to a good start

I have a boat that beats all other boats in races...

... It's a champion ship.

Is it wrong to hate a particular race?

I love to run, but I hate running 10k races as they make me feel sick the next day.

Why do gazelles always lose races?

Cause they're running against cheetahs

A man was sitting reading his Sunday newspaper

when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the horse races yesterday Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

I explained to my son how batons are used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

Not sure why the left wants to punch nazis

You'd think they'd love a failed liberal arts student who blames all his problems on other races.

I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather.

They call him the Raining Champion.

Adolf Hitler banned 5k races but sponsored an annual marathon...

...Because Marathons are the master race.

We were discussing the races and dwarvs are my favorite. The reason?

They always appear to be down to earth.

I love races that finish themselves

terrorist wins

What's the same about Mexican and Black people?

Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

(Sorry if you're offended, I love all races.)

I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

[NSFW] I have bought a race horse called ......

my face!
I dont care if it wins or loses, or even costs me a fortune, I just want the pleasure of going to the races and hearing hundreds of posh females shouting 'come on my face!'

Pheidippides just doesn't have the same ring to it.

When Pheidippides, the soldier who ran 26.2 miles to the city of Marathon to announce the defeat of the Persians to the Athenians, found out the long-distance races were going to be called Marathons, he was a little upset...

But he ran with it.

A guy bought a horse and named him 'My Face'.

He trained this horse and entered him into races.

When asked why he called it 'my face' he replied,

So when the girls are cheering on the horses they are screaming "Come on My face come on my face"

What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH?

A Lambooghini!

In his spare time my dad races pigeons

I don't know why, he never beats them.

Day at the Races

A priest is out at his congregation's Day at the Races annual event. Dressed in his collar, he was looking very Priestly.

Prior to Race 7, a track regular stops the priest as they are viewing the horses in the paddock.

Here we go again, he wants my blessing on his bet, the father predicts in his head.

Father, who -, the gamblers starts but is cut off by the priest.

My son, I can offer you a prayer to live by - God's will be done.

The man shot back, Godswillbedone, is that the name of the horse?

I always wondered 🤔

Why is a person who play the piano called a pianist but a person who races not called a racist?

I think there is nothing cooler than being a lone wolf.

except for at wolf picnics, when you don't have a partner for the wolf wheelbarrow races.

(NSFW) why did Michael Jackson deliberately lose races ?

He enjoys coming in a little behind

I'm not racist, but some races are simply inherently more important than others.

For example, the presidential race is much more important than some 100m dash.

How to make Races jokes?

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