Race Jokes
183 race jokes and hilarious race puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about race that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is about race jokes and explores why this genre of jokes is a popular form of comedy. From jokes about running races to horse racing, there are plenty of different types of race jokes to enjoy. Learn more about the subject and find out why so many people have a soft spot for race jokes.
Quick Jump To
- Short Race Jokes
- Race One Liners
- Running Race Jokes
- Car Race Jokes
- Race Car Jokes
- Horse Race Jokes
- Drag Race Jokes
- More Race Jokes
Funniest Race Short Jokes
Short race jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The race humour may include short racing jokes also.
- Why do the election results take so long? It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
- Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races? Because he likes to come in a little behind.
- If you could exterminate any race what would you pick? Personally, I'd get rid of the 800m. It's too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
- I told the cop, You can't write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow. The cop said, Sir, that's not how you play the race card.
- My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with horse Racing. I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
- Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race. He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.
- Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men? The Trump card.
- Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have? The Trump card.
- Is it OK to hate certain races? Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.
- If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
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Race One Liners
Which race one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with race? I can suggest the ones about ethnic and rage.
- What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- Is it wrong to hate a specific race Because I really hate marathons
- Two silk worms were in a race... It ended in a tie.
- Why do Paedophiles never win races? They like to come in a little behind...
- Is it wrong to hate an entire race? I just think marathons are *way* too much running
- Two silkworms had a race... They ended up in a tie.
- Is it bad to hate a certain race? Because I despise the 100 meter
- I'm not a racist. I treat every race equally Even the bad ones
- I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes
- I had a race with an Asian today It was a thai
- When is the best time for Muslims to run a race? Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.
- One one was a racehorse One two was one too
One one won one race
One two won one too - My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race She died in a fire
- Two silkworms got into a race. They ended up in a tie.
- Why dont foot fetishists win races? Because they love the smell of defeat.
Running Race Jokes
Here is a list of funny running race jokes and even better running race puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Is it okay to hate a certain race? I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.
- Officer, you can't give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow. Cop: That's not how you play the race card.
- Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today! Cop: Stop playing the race card!
- My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races. It's our running joke
- Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks
- A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race... the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.
- A new Zealand joke Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses?
They saw what happened to the sheep - How does a snail win a race? It runs against Hillary.
- Is your refrigerator running? Good, mine too. See you at the refrigerator race tomorrow.
- Who won the race? Who won the race? The lettuce, the tomato or the faucet?
The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Car Race Jokes
Here is a list of funny car race jokes and even better car race puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend bet me I couldn't make a racing car out of spaghetti… You should've seen her face when I drove pasta
- My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed Jokes on him I sleep in a real car
- What do we want? Race car noises.
When do we want them?
Neoooooooooooooooooooooow - My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed. Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.
- A car made of French bread just raced past me. It was a Baguetti Veyron.
- Why did the car get disqualified from the neighborhood drag race? >!No spoilers!<
- Since professional piano players are called pianist then why aren't race car drivers called racest
- Why is someone who plays the piano called a pianist... ... but a person who drives race cars not called a racist?
- What kind of car racing comes from Mexico? Formula Juan
- What do we want? racing car noises when do we want them neooooooww
Race Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny race car jokes and even better race car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Cousin always brags about getting to sleep in a race-car bed Joke's on him. I sleep in a real car!
- Why did the bicycle not enter the car race? It was too tired.
- Why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past? It had a SPOILER on it.
- I realized I left my tuba in the car with the doors unlocked... I raced back as quick as I could and sure enough when I looked inside, there were two tubas.
- Why did the electric car finish the race early? It had a short circuit.
- Yo' Mama is like a race car: she burns through four rubbers a night.
- Three aboriginals in a car, who's the driver? The police.
Also works with other minority races. Mileage may vary depending on audience. - What did the spiritual race car driver say to his mother? I have good car, ma!
- [Warning: Nerdy] Two self driving cars lost control on the freeway and crashed, killing 4. Experts say it was caused by a race condition.
- Why did the race car driver have an upset stomach? He had "Indy"gestion
Horse Race Jokes
Here is a list of funny horse race jokes and even better horse race puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing... "And they're off!"
- My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing She's at the gate... and she's off
- If horse racing is the "sport of kings" is drag racing the sport of queens?
- I want to get a race horse, and name it My Face. Just so I can hear people in the stands yell, Come on, My Face!!
- My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I'm bad at it. No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.
- I am very racist... ...horse races are far superior to all other races
- I lost all my money betting on horse races. Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can.
- Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race They have twice the horsepower
- At the race track and saw a 100-1 horse win a race. I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that.
- Race Horse Joke/tongue twister One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Drag Race Jokes
Here is a list of funny drag race jokes and even better drag race puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've been doing some drag racing recently. It's quite the transsport.
- My friend invited me to go drag racing with him and I thought yeah that sounds fun Turns out it is really freaking hard to run in the heels
- I went to a drag race yesterday It's amazing how fast men can run in heels.
- What's the hardest part about drag racing? Running in heels.
- What do you call a dog with no legs? Why would you call him, he can't come over.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Last place you put him.
Where do you bring a dog with no legs?
Drag race. - Drag racing is my favorite sport I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.
- They're giving Caitlyn Jenner ANOTHER TV show Apparently, they have her competing in the Olympics again. It's going to be called "Drag Races".
- I tried drag racing the other day. It's incredibly hard to run in heels.
- I dont care if I seem racist Drag racing just is not as impressive as formula 1.
- What do you call a bunch of transvestites seeing who can run the fastest A drag race
Comical Race Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about race you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean species jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make race pranks.
Depressed race car mechanic.
Scene: a psychiatrists practice:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
2 cats are racing across the English Channel,
an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux t**...." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux t**... cat sank.
How many n**... does it take to finish a race?
None, n**... can't finish a race.
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
Marylou
One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."
h**... was worst track runner
he couldn't even finish one race
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish
So I was in a race against a Prius the other day.
I kept up for the first 100ft but I can only walk so fast...
What's the difference between the Holocaust and the Boston Marathon b**...?
The Boston Marathon b**... ended a race.
What is h**...'s favorite reality show?
The Amazing Race
h**... wasn't a very athletic man.
He never even finished a single race.
What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?
The phrase "I blew a t**..." means something totally different.
Worst joke I've ever heard
What is the difference between h**... and the Boston b**...?
One of them actually ended a race.
Why was h**... kicked off the track team?
He could never finish a race.
A city bus driver is doing his route.
After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."
Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race?
I've finally turned a corner in my career.
Where does a race on the Swedish border end at?
The Finnish line.
Why couldn't the radish finish the race?
He was just a little beet.
A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)
The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...
But I can only walk so fast.
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?
Society
Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.
After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"
Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."
What was h**... favorite TV show?
The Amazing Race
I'm thinking of going on a cleanse
just not sure which race to start with
Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other...
They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.
Why isn't h**... in Mario Kart?
Because he cant finish a race
What do jellybeans and the human race have in common
Nobody likes the black ones
What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?
Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.
Hillary and Trump tie in the election...
And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".
Did you hear about the bike race that goes all the way across Norway and Sweden?
It ends at the Finnish line.
Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon
Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.
Is it wrong to hate a certain race?
Because I'm not really a fan of the Indy 500
Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.
Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.
Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.
"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.
"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."
What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?
The superior race
Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space
Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.
**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.
**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.
**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.
Racecar backwards is still racecar
but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
There was a race to see what company's planes flew fastest
United Airlines beat everyone...
Two asians ran a race..
It was a Thai.
Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy?
Apparently NASCAR fans didn't want to mix the races....
Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter p**... at the athletics track.
Police think it was race related.
God making the human race
Assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmmm, add a little toe.
Assistant: Why?
God: Furniture.
Assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me, it wil be fun.
Racecar backwards is still racecar
But racecar sideways is how Dale Earnhardt died.
Why is Michael Phelps better than h**...?
Michael Phelps can actually finish off a race.
I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...
Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.
News just in:
Someone has been killed with a starter p**... !!!
Police think it might be race related..............
What could the Boston Marathon b**... do that h**... couldn't?
End a race.
Racism is so s**....
You shouldn't treat someone differently just because they're from an inferior race.
As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
What's the difference between h**... and the Boston b**...?
The b**... knew how to end a race.
The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...
They named the French cat "un deux t**... cat" and the British, "one two three cat."
Which cat made it across first?
The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux t**... cat cinq.
A man told his friend he won an iPhone in a race.
The friend says "Oh, wow! How many people were in the race?"
and the man says "Just the policeman, the phone's owner and I."
It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips
So now I only let her do it when it's my turn to drive
Last year I entered a marathon.
The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
What is your least favourite race?
Mine is the marathon... too many Kenyans
What's the similarity between h**... and an asthma patient?
Neither of them can finish a race.
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
