Following is our collection of imam humor and jewish one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Rabbi puns for adults, dirty foreskins jokes or clean priest gags for kids.
There is an abundance of preist jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 77 funniest jokes on rabbi. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hasid witze you can hear about rabbi.
"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear."
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"
The bartender says "Nope! We don't do jokes here, get out!"
And the chicken says, "Come on guys, I know a place across the street."
The rabbi says, "Why the wrong faith?"
...when the priest sees a boy across the way.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's go over there and screw that boy!"
The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?"
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"
The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
Now he's just some bunny that I used to know.
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
The Priest stops and says,"What about the children?"
The Rabbi replies,"Screw the children!"
The Priest asks,"Do you think we have time?"
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."
And the clerk says,"May I help you, sir?"
"Yes", says the rabbit. "I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."
"I'm sorry sir", says the clerk," but we don't have that here."
"Oh, ok.", says the slightly deflated rabbit. "I guess I'll have a house salad."
"Sir," replies the slightly annoyed clerk," we don't have that. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"Well," says the rabbit," in that case I'll just have a bowl of tomato soup."
The clerk is now incensed. "Sir, we don't have food! The sign outside clearly says 'men's clothing store'! Can't you read?"
"Listen, buddy", says the rabbit,"if I could read, I would have asked you for a menu!"
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"
Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your genitals?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
Are walking down a street. They see a 13 yr old boy walking towards them
The Priest says "Let's take him down this alley and screw him"
The Rabbi says "Out of what?"
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**
Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approached and asks the chicken Are you part of this joke?
Yeah. the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**
The chicks argues Well then how's a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?
The bartender pointed out the window and said There's another bar across the road.
and a little boy walks by. The priest taps the rabbi on the shoulder and says, "I'm going to screw that little boy." The rabbi holds up his hands, shrugs, and says, "Out of what?"
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?
...and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert.
Confused, his friend asks, "Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?"
He says, "Eh, better one of them than one of us."
The bartender sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?!"
A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.
The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.
The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."
A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"
The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."
"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.
"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.
They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"
God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"
He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you *doing*?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"
They bet each other that they can convert a bear to their religion. At dawn the next day, they meet at the edge of the forest and wish each other luck before setting out. At the end of the day, they meet each other again on three separate stretchers. The priest is all beat up. He has a broken arm and a black eye. "The bear put up a good fight", he says, "but he's coming to church on Sunday to get baptised". The minister is in worse shape than the priest. He has two black eyes, a broken arm, and a broken leg. "It was tough," he says, "but I got the bear to join the church choir, singing baritone." The rabbi is in the worst shape of the three of them. He has two black eyes and all his arms and legs are broken. "In hindsight," he says, "I guess I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for a moment and say "Ok.''
The rabbi tes off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the third hole, in fact, for every hole on the course. The rabbi has hit a perfect game.
God turns to Moses and says "I thought you were going to punish him?'', to which Moses replies, "Who's he going to tell?''
A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."
"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."
"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi's congregation and out of the other pours the priest's congregation.
Their clothes are on the other side of the lake, so they don't have time to retrieve them. Both decide to just make a run for it.
The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over and sees the rabbi running with his hands over his face. He says, Rabbi! What are you doing?
The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognize me by my face."
Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.
"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man o' the cloth, giving way to temptation like that."
A few minutes later, the rabbi also entered the brothel.
"Would you look at that? Always acting so pious, but look at 'im now - dirty hypocrite. Givin' way to sins o' the flesh."
As they continued drinking, complaining all the while about the lack of moral standards of the minister and the rabbi, they saw the Catholic priest creep up to the brothel and knock on the door.
"Ah, now - ain't that a shame! One o' the poor girls must be dyin', and the good Father's come to give 'er the last rites!"
The bartender asks, Hey buddy, where did you get that?
The frog responds, Brooklyn, they're all over the place!
So, one day, the devil visits a synagogue while all the folk are deep in the middle of whatever it is they do at synagogues.
Once the smoke and clamour clears, the devil steps forth, slicing the air his pitchfork, flashing eyes of fire. At the sight of him, hooves and all, all the men and women in attendance run screaming for their lives out of the synagogue, trailing their children behind them.
As pleased as the devil is with his grand appearance, he can't help but twist his head to look at the rabbi, who's calmly putting his things away for the night with a tired sigh.
"You," the devil says, pointing his spindly finger at him, "rabbi. Do you not know who I am?"
The rabbi only sighs and continues to clear up the place.
The devil steps closer to the man, scalding the floor with each step. "And yet you do not seem to be afraid, why is that?" he hisses, stroking his beard.
The rabbi shrugs. "Why should I be? I've been married to your sister these past forty-three years."
.
.
Credit/Source: video I watched on youtube a while ago. I've probably added/cut-out from the original, but that's the charm of Chinese whispers, no?
... to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his *payoss* [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know?
The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
Are all playing golf for money... They decide that they should give some money to their respective churches, but are unsure as to how to do it.
The priest gets an idea....walks over to the ball drop area, stands inside the circle and says, "I'm going to throw my money into the air. Whatever lands INSIDE this circle, I'll give to my church."
The minister, then goes over, stands inside the circle and says, "Ok. When i throw my money into the air, whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle is what I'll give away".
The rabbi then goes over to the circle, gets his money out, and says, "I'm going to throw my money in the air, and whatever God wants, He'll keep!"
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."
So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.
"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"
[
As chaos ensues and people are running around frantically, the three men huddle together and try to make a grave decision.
The rabbi says, "we must save the children!"
The lawyer says, "no, screw the children!"
Then the priest says, "do we really have time to screw the children?"
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.
The auditor was really eager to catch the Rabbi with wasting charity funds.
Auditor - what do you do with the candle drippings?
Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the candle company. Every once in a while, they send us back new candles.
Auditor - when you're finished eating your matza, what do you do with the crumbs?
Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the company and every once in a while, they send us back some matza meal.
Auditor - when you perform a circumcision, what do you do with the foreskin?
Rabbi - we collect them and send them back to Washington. Every once in a while they send us back an auditor!
So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs.
Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew.
The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly."
The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children."
Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was.
The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
...when they meet a fairy. She grants both of them three wishes.
Bear says without thinking: "I wish all lady bears in this forest had a crush on me!"
Rabbit wishes himself a motorcycle helmet, and both wishes are immediately granted. Next, bear thinks a bit and then says: "I wish all lady bears in the whole world had a crush on me!"
Rabbit wishes himself a motorcycle, and both wishes are granted.
Now bear thinks a quite a while and then shouts: "I wish all bears on this world were lady bears!"
Rabbit puts on his helmet, gets on the motorcycle, starts the motor and says over his shoulder: "I wish bear was gay!"
A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.
The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:
-- Rabbi, what can be done?!
-- Do you still have the internet connection?
-- Yes!
-- Sell the ship!
When it's the priest's turn,
the executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the priest's neck before snapping back up. The priest is unscathed.
The crowd roars, "It's a miracle! Let him go!" And the priest goes free.
Then it's the rabbi's turn. The executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the rabbi's neck before snapping back up. The rabbi is unscathed.
The crowd roars, "It's a miracle! Let him go!" The rabbi goes free.
Just before they lead the engineer to the guillotine, he looks at it and says, "I can fix that!"
He goes to his synagogue, walks up to his rabbi and says "I want to donate 10 million dollars to the synagogue on one condition." the rabbi's eyes start to sparkle and he replies "Of course sir, whatever you wish we will do." The old man states "I want you to erect a statue of Adolf Hitler in your courtyard" The look in the rabbi's eyes turns to rage as he states "Why would you want us to commit this travesty to our people?" the old man shrugs, lifts up his sleeve and says "He gave me the winning numbers."
Hebrews it
They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.
Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"
"Yes", replies the Italian.
"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."
The Italian shrugs and eats the sausage, then pulls out a bottle of wine, offering some.
Rabbi looks at the bottle and says, "It's not kosher, I can't drink it. God's law."
Italian says, "Wow your god is strict. What if there was nothing kosher around to eat or drink?"
Rabbi replies, "Well, he makes exceptions in situations of life and death."
With that, the Italian points a gun at the rabbi and says, "Drink the wine or I'll blow your head off!!"
Rabbi grabs the bottle, and with a very annoyed look on his face, downs the rest of it.
"Please don't be upset with me. I just wanted you to have some wine", says the Italian.
Rabbi says, "Of course I'm upset! Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?!?"
The pay was terrible but the tips were huge!
They're all discussing what to do with the donations from their congregations. How much should they keep and how much should they give back to God.
The Priest says: "Let's draw a circle and throw all of the money up in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle we give to God and anything that lands outside we keep."
The Minister says: "No, whatever lands outside the circle we give to God and anything that lands inside, we keep."
Then the Rabbi says: "Guys, I've got it! We throw all of the money in the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
He goes to see his rabbi one day and says,
"Rabbi you won't believe what happened to me! Last week someone stole my bicycle from synagogue!"
The rabbi is deeply upset by this, but after thinking for a moment he offers a solution:
"Next week come to services, sit in the fron row, and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. Aand when we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes and that's your guy."
The rabbi is very pleased with his suggestion, and so is the man. At the next service, the rabbi is very curious to learn whether his advice panned out. He waits for the man by the doors of the synagogue, and asks him,
"So, did it work?"
"Like a charm," the man answers. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike!"
Complements of the book, "The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty" by Dan Ariely
One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he's the rabbi, he can't risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he's waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they're saying hello, the Rabbi's pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it's mouth. As it's placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!
Abe goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison,"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at their job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
The Priest says, "I want to screw him." The Rabbi says, "Out of what?"
Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.
Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?'
God replied, 'Who can he tell?'
The bartender looks up and says: "What is this, some kinda joke?"
Suddenly, the engine catches fire. The rabbi says, "We must save the children." The rapper yells back, "Screw the children!" The Priest responds, "Do you think we have enough time?"
Of course they're swimming naked (as one does in a remote lake). All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognize me by my face."
in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
...all meet up for lunch after service. The priest ask how they divvy up their pay from the collections.
The priest says "I draw a circle, stand in the middle and throw everything up in the air. Whatever lands in the circle god has chosen for me to keep and everything outside goes to charitable work and expenses. "
The monk was fascinated and says "I do the same thing. Only difference is I keep everything that goes outside of the circle and use what's in the circle for the church."
The rabbi is taken back. "You know what?! I do the EXACT same thing. I throw all the money in the air and whatever stays in the air God has chosen to use for the church and whatever hits the ground is mine to keep."
rabbi
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.