"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear."
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
The plane is going down and there are only two parachutes left.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "rabbi, we have both lived long and fulfilling lives, let's give the boy a parachute and we can flip a coin to decide who will get the last one."
The rabbi says, "fuck that 13 year old!"
The priest, asks, "do you think we have enough time?"
Rabbi: we have to get off the ship!
Preacher: we have to save the kids first!
Rabbi: fuck the kids!
Priest: do we have time?
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."
...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.
Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.
Priest: What about the kids?
Rabbi: Fuck the kids.
Priest: Do you think there is time?
The pastor yells "Save the children!"
The rabbi replies "Pft, fuck the children!"
The priest says "Do you think we have time?"
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi
Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color.
A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color
Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color
See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!
They are about to sit down when the bartender says: It costs $60 to sit on the chair. The priest and the rabbi say That's absurd! What's the reason for this charge? The bartender says Well the goal is to provide patrons with a sense of pride and accompli—
The priest and the rabbi throw themselves at the bartender and beat him to death, because enough of the damn EA jokes already.
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
along with a troupe of boyscouts. The airplane is going down FAST. There are parachuts, but only enough for a few people.
The Rabbi says, "Listen. We need to give the parachuts to the boyscouts. It's the right thing to do."
The Lawyer then responds, "What are you crazy!? Fuck the boyscouts!"
The Priest quickly glances at his watch and says, "DO WE HAVE TIME!?"
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"
The bartender says "Nope! We don't do jokes here, get out!"
And the chicken says, "Come on guys, I know a place across the street."
The rabbi says, "Why the wrong faith?"
They look to the left and see a doctor, a lawyer and a rabbi. They look to the center and see a farmer, a pastor and a cow. To the right they see a genie, a salesman and a judge.
The first man turns to his friend and says
"Lets get out of here. This place is a god damn joke."
...when the priest sees a boy across the way.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's go over there and screw that boy!"
The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?"
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the chute and says, " I have a life to live! F*ck the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
The plane starts to go down, and they find there are only three parachutes.
"We'll take them and jump," says the minister.
"But the children," cries the rabbi, "we have to save the children!"
The minister snaps, "fuck the children!"
The priest glances back at the terrified kids, thinks a moment, and asks,
"Do we have time?"
An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"
The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
Now he's just some bunny that I used to know.
A Rabbi and a Priest are walking by a playground.
Priest: *leans over to the Rabbi and whispers* "Id love to go fuck those kids"
Rabbi: *looking confused* "fuck them out of what? They don't have any money"
...but he has a major dilemma, so he goes to see a wise rabbi.
'Rabbi! I'd like to get married, but tell me: what should I do? Should I marry a super hot girl who'll cheat on me every other month or an ugly one who I know will only be mine?'
To which the rabbi replies:
'Well, son, you have to decide what's the better option: share a cake with your friends or eat a load of shit alone?'
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
Because they have cotton balls
A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
The Priest stops and says,"What about the children?"
The Rabbi replies,"Screw the children!"
The Priest asks,"Do you think we have time?"
and just as the bear was about to catch him, they trip over a fabled genie's lamp. Having brushed the lamp, a genie appears and promises to grant the rabbit and bear three wishes each.
Before the rabbit has a chance to speak, the bear shoves him aside and tells the genie how hard it is to find a sow to fuck with there being more boars than sows in area, and wishes for all the bears in the forest to be female.
After the bear makes his wish, the rabbit thinks and asks for the genie to make him smarter; to be more strategic and clever than any other animal.
The instant the rabbit finishes his wish; the genie grants their first wish
The bear scoffs at the rabbit's wish and turns back to the genie. The bear admits that he was rather hasty on his first wish, and realizes that boars from another area could come and ruin his plan. He then wishes for every other bear in the world was a horny female.
The rabbit then wishes to be faster than any other animal in existence.
Again, the instant the rabbit finishes his wish; the genie grants their wish
Finally, the bear now know that there is no way he could satisfy all the women he will encounter, so he wishes that he was constantly horny and had the stamina to sexually pleasure as many sows as wants.
The rabbit begins stretching and warming himself up. When he finished, the rabbit says, I wish that bear was gay.
...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Rabbi? Well, here are the best Rabbi dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Rabbi pick up lines to share with friends.