The Best 54 Quote Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Quote jokes. There are some quote quotation jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these quote remark puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Quote Jokes and Puns
My grandfather always said, Be envied, not envious.
I'm so mad that I didn't come up with that quote.
If someone...
If someone is having second thoughts about booking a trip in native American territory, you could say they are having a reservation reservation reservation.
...
Good thing self posts don't grant negative karma >.>
"As long as you append my name to a quote,...
people would buy into it and take it seriously."
- Winston Churchill
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.
A quote from the Father of Invention.
Hi Invention, I'm Dad.
My favorite quote.
"Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." – *anonymous*
Poker is like sex
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)
Actual quote from a kid visiting from China
Q: Do you like it hear in America?
K: Yes.
Q: Why?
K: Because the sky here is blue.
A cannibal in a courtroom
Representing himself, the cannibal was asked by the judge if he had anything to say.
"If the quote "You are what you eat" is true then I am an innocent man."
I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.
He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".
Regarding the SCOTUS approval of gay marriage, Iowa representative Steve King has just said (and this is a real quote) "you could marry your your lawnmower with this decision".
Marrying your lawnmower is fine, but when it comes time to leave, writing that John Deere letter is the toughest part.
You can explore quote thou reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean quote great quotes dad jokes. There are also quote puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.
The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"
and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.
I would share a joke that my friend in prison sent me in a letter...
But I don't like to quote out of con text.
A horse walks into a bar...
...and the bartender says "are you feeling all right?" The horse replies,"I don't think I am," *POOF* the horse disappears. This is of course a joke referencing the famous quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained this ahead of time but I didn't want to put *Descartes* before the horse.
If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote
Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton
To quote my late father...
"Traffic is heavier than I expected."
An actual quote by President George Bush
"The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"
"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,
its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...
Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?
Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
Describe your sex life with a SpingeBob quote.
"Are ya ready Kids?"
You have to wonder about a country where the bombs
... are smarter than the high school graduates. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the maps.
(quote by
Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame)
My grandma once told me an inspiring quote about the ocean
I can't remember exactly how it went. I just remember it being very deep
In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
"Hello."
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."
Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
Have you walked 500 miles?
Have you walked 500 miles?
Have you been asked to walk 500 more?
You may be entitled to compensation!!!
For your free no obligation quote call the Pro-Claimers now!!
My wife just left me, screaming, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!"
I'm all shook up…
If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic
People will believe you 80% of the time.
Books written by criminals are so hard to reference
Everytime you quote it, it's out of context
As a wise man once said,
"Don't quote me on this."
What was that Spiderman quote again?
With great reflexes, comes great response ability.
My favorite quote is: "Kill it with fire"...
Shouldn't have wrote that on my resume when I applied for a fireman.
Inspirational quote of the day:
You can't spell "success" without "succ".
Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:
"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."
I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.
Someone told me that's called 'college'.
To quote all of Bill Cosby's victims:
No.
Asked a Landscape gardener for a quote
They said they couldn't help me as my garden was portrait
Case of water - $3.99
Case of Apples - $20.99
Case of Oranges - $25.99
Bag of chips - $2.50
Cigarettes - $8.99
Box of candles - $4.50
Frozen pizzas - $6.50
Asking for a quote of these items - Price List
To quote the UN today
#"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I´ve just done a quote for painting Dr Who´s TARDIS.
$50 for the outside, $400 for the inside.
Can drinking bleach really kill you? We asked our listeners to try it out and none of them called back to tell me they're dead so I think not
One of my fav quote from C&H
What is a quote by Goku called?
A Super Saiyan
My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.
My last words to her were Alright, let's split up gang.
Albert Einstein once famously said...
"Every great quote will eventually be misattributed to Albert Einstein"
My girlfriend and I are huge movie quoters. When we give each other presents, we say, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!"
Apparently when she asks, "How do I look?"
"That'll do, Pig. That'll do," isn't the right movie quote...
Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?
Johann Gottfried
My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview
"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."
I hate it when people quote the movie Joker
I'd give my reason but you wouldn't get it
WIFE: if you quote Ace Ventura one more time, I'm seriously going to leave you
ME: alllllllllrighty then
The raven was indecisive....
He said, "Probably not. But don't quote me on that."
*Sorry, that's was a Poe joke.*
A horse walks in to a bar...
The bartender greets him, and says "You've been coming in here a lot. Do you think you might have a drinking problem?"
The horse pauses for a minute and says, "I think not."
And immediately disappears.
See, this joke plays on the famous Rene Descartes philosophical quote "I think, therefore I am." I would have explained that first, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly
But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the quote inhuman jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working quote citation piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.