Quitting Work Jokes
114 quitting work jokes and hilarious quitting work puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quitting work that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Quitting Work Short Jokes
Short quitting work jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quitting work humour may include short leaving work jokes also.
- I just quit my job, I couldn't work for my boss after what he said to me He told me that I was fired
- I always wanted to be an exorcist So I studied and worked real hard to become an orcist. Then I quit.
- Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher. - I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day at work. Deep down.., I realized it wasn't for me.
- My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is. So I told him to just grow a pear.
- My former drug dealer quit dealing and is now working as a bartender... I always knew he'd end up behind bars.
- I had to quit my job at the Elmer's Glue factory... I was getting too attached to my coworkers... I couldn't separate myself from my work.
- someone tried to tell stan lee this joke during his panel at comic con this week end what do you call spiderman when he quits the daily bugal and starts working as a valet?
peter PARKER.
- Jane couldn't quite work out why she didn't like her husband's new hobby. But as he grabbed his bait and rod for the fifth day in row, she new it seemed fishy.
- I had many career paths to choose from - lawyer, prison guard, veterinarian but none of them satisfied my desire to work with animals quite like being a teacher
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Quitting Work One Liners
Which quitting work one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quitting work? I can suggest the ones about leaving work early and leaving job.
- David was hard at work... it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
- I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn't do it anymore.
- Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant? He got crêped out.
- I used to work hard but that really cute girl quit last week.
- Why did the man quit working at the cemetery? It was hard to make a living.
- I met my ex at a race track Didnt quite work out, we just drifted away
- I used to work at a deli… But I quit slicing cold turkey.
- I used to work at a chemical factory, but I had to quit It was a toxic environment
- Want to make your computer run faster? Just paint it black, it may quit working, though.
- I just quit my job working in a shoe factory It was sole destroying
- I'm thinking of quitting my job as an accountant The work is just too taxing.
- You know why I quit working at the sausage factory? It was the wurst.
- I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company He was quite charmin, I must say.
- Genie quits working after a severe disagreement with master. He rubbed her the wrong way.
- Why did power quit its job? It didn't want to work over time.
Quitting Work Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about quitting work you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quitting time jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quitting work pranks.
Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job.
You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.
She tells her friends, "I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom."
"Why, what's his new job?"
"He's an embalmer."
After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."
Before starting to stand up comedy I used to think I'll die of hunger. Now, I'm quite sure about it.
The second career
Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,
but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Army.
What did they say if you came in late there?"
They said, "Good morning, General."
A tour guide at Giza was explaining how the Pyramids were 10,002 years old.
Someone in the crowd asked, "That's oddly specific, are you sure of that date."
"Well, yes, quite sure, I was told they were 10,000 years old when I started working here 2 years ago."
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
My nieces joke
I was telling my little niece some jokes, and she loved them and started making up her own, but she doesn't quite understand how jokes work yet.
Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know, why DID the chicken cross the road?
Her: LIGHT BULB!
I used to work in a darkroom developing photographs...
but I quit because there was too much negativity.
Germans
I do season work at a yachtcharter company and a lot of German people rent a boat there. I decided to quit my job for a better job somewhere else and to have a little fun my last day. I walked up to a German guy and said to him: excuse me sir, it appears you have lost something.. The German said to me?: wass? What did I lost?!!! To which I respond: the war.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm working on a Star Wars Kama Sutra book.
I don't have all the positions down quite yet, but I have mastered the Hand Solo.
"Greetings, my name is Bill Wateryoulookinat"
...says a man to another on the docks, he continues, "I work here at this port, is that your boat?".
"Yes it is." replies the man, "But I must say that is quite a unique name!".
"Thank you," he says, "It has been passed down for many generations, for my father also worked this port, and his father and his father before him. So like every Wateryoulookinat, I am a port man, too"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to get rid of ants.
Go to Home Depot or Wall-mart and buy a can of black spray paint. Any brand works great.
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.
City workers
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers digging holes along the sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but couldn't figure out what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? One of you digs a hole, and the other guy immediately fills it back up again with dirt.
One of the workers explained: The guy who plants the trees called in sick today.
Man walks into a bar and orders 4 beers.
Drinks them, and leaves.
Next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves.
The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone."
This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?"
The man chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."
I quit my job massaging feet...
My boss told me I should start trying to work my way up.
Milliband, Clegg and Farage have quit.
Proof that the Conservatives are forcing people out of work.
Why did the Muslim lady quit working at the hat store?
She hated hijab.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Frustrated p**....
There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
I used to work for Goodyear, but I had to quit...
I got too tired.
My boss touched me inappropriately at work today.
It's quite rewarding working from home I tell ya
wife's insisting to quit job
The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did this adhesive s**... quit his work?
He just couldn't tape it anymore..
I used to work in a grocery store
I quit when I found out the guys in produce were making twice my celery.
Why did the stand up comic quit comedy to become a obstetrician?
He needed to work on his delivery.
I just fell in love with a girl who builds circuit boards for a living...
I just couldn't *resistor.*
I couldn't help but say "*Ohm* my word, you're gorgeous!"
We talked for a while, had quite an *amp-*le conversation.
We eventually went to get lunch and took her *volts-*wagon.
*Current-*ly, I'd say this relationship is working out well.
I swept *Kirchhoff* her feet.
Building in Antarctica is difficult!
No matter what I tried I couldn't get my house to stay together. I tried concrete, brick and mortar, even duct tape! I finally found something that worked though, it was quite simple, igloo'd it together.
When Gottfried Leibniz first red Isaac Newton's work on Calculus.....
He found it quite Derivative.
My overweight friend's 2017 resolution was to join a gym and lose weight. We're three weeks into January and he's already quit. I asked him, "What happened??"
"Just didn't work out."
I used to work in an IT department but I quit
Because scary clowns aren't really my thing.
3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work
2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"
Why did the acrobat quit working for the Ringling Brothers?
Because she was really out of her elephant
What do you call being bored after finally quitting the last job you'll ever work?
Re-tired
I used to be a mechanic...
but I quit because it was exhausting work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My gay friend decided he wanted to quit being gay...
So he bought himself a pack of nicorette patches and he puts them on his w**.... It's working pretty well, he's down to two butts a day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to quit smoking
Friend: My new year resolution for 2018 is to quit smoking.
Me: That's great, I might have a tip for you.
Friend: What is it? Most tips online don't seem to work for me.
Me: It's pretty simple actually. Try to limit your smokes to only after s**.... As you get older, you'll smoke less and less.
Friend: Has it worked for you?
Me: I don't smoke, but my wife has quit smoking ever since we've been married.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Quite a few, after all, many Hans make light work
(Clean) A group of nuns wanted to make a little money on the side...
They were quite good at woodworking and wanted to make something that the local kids would enjoy so they decided to start up a company that makes yo-yos. Pretty soon making the yo-yos and fulfilling the orders started to take up a good chunk of their time and it caught the attention of the Mother Superior. She pulled them aside and asked what they've been working on so hard and they told her: Nun Yo-yo Buisiness
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to get s**... harassed at a work.
Lots of inappropriate touching. Then one day I had enough and quit. This is why I no longer work at home alone by myself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub talking about birth control.
The Protestant says to the Catholic, "My religion allows me to use a c**... when I make love to my wife but yours does not. Yet I've got 14 children and you have only 2. How can this be?"
The Catholic replies, "It's quite simple, I have s**... during the safe times of the day."
"And when is that ?" asks the Protestant.
"When you're at work." replies the Catholic.
I used to work at the tinnitus support phone line, but unfortunately I had to quit...
...I just couldn't stand the constant ringing in my ears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was working on sealing a leak in a crack in my foundation when a friend told me I should look for one at the s**... shop...
...At first I was skeptical but I gave it a try and I must say, I was quite disappointed because it was everything but plugs.
I had to quit my job as a butcher.
I backed into the meat grinder and got behind in my work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried to make fun of this skinny little dude...
But it didn't quite work out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I quit my first job as a bartender in a s**... club
Because I hated working hard
I think retirement can lead to senility.
Because after my Grandpa quit working at the Federal Mint, he just stopped making cents.
My friends who work the fields organised a party for me without me knowing.
It was quite a peasant surprise.
A bartender friend of mine was complaining about work AGAIN!
I told him, "Oh, just quit your winr-ing!"
I'm tired of people stomping all over my hard work, trampling on it without even noticing.
Maybe I should quit my job at the doormat factory...
A programmer wants to try stand up.
A programmer wants to try stand up. So he practices for a while and goes to comedy clubs and learns for a while. Then one day he decided will be doing a show. While performing, he will tell a joke and no one laughs and then he will go back the the start of joke a changes a bit and tells it again, you could see few people struggling to laugh but not quite enough, then he goes back to the start of the joke change a bit and repeats again, this time everyone laughs. Some one from crowd asks why did you mistake your joke, why he had to go back to the beginning and start over? Programmer I had to debug a bit to find out what worked for this crowd..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a confusing r**... exam where nobody is quite sure how it works?
A semicolonoscopy
A horror movie in a deaf school would work quite well...
...because no one would hear you scream.
Why did the man who worked at an aluminum can factory quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
My dad worked in the elevator business
He started on the ground floor but eventually made his way to the top.
Finally quit because there were too many ups and downs on the job.
I recently quit working as a midwife to become a comedian...
Turns out my skillset is pretty transferable.
It's all in the delivery.
Did you hear that Jesus had to quit working out?
Yeah, he did crossfit for so long, it took him three days to recover
Black eyes
A guy arrives at work with two black eyes. His colleagues quite naturally asked what happened. He explained, I was in an elevator with a gal in front of me that had her skirt rucked up in her crack. So I pulled it out and patted her skirt smooth for her. She then turned around and socked me in my right eye. So then they asked, how'd your left eye get black? Well I could tell that she didn't like what I did so I reach out and tucked it back in!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Snoopy quit the comic s**...?
He was tired of working for peanuts.
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
Funny thing about weekends when you're unemployed, they don't mean quite so much
Except that you get to hang out with your working friends.
I had a friend who was bored out of his mind at work.
No ones really quite sure how the freak drill-press accident happened.
I wanted to finally have a six-pack so girls would like me so I hired a personal trainer to work me out...
...I quit after two days because I couldn't take the ab use.
Stirlitz was hard at work
It was quite awkward for his female coworkers.
People ask me why I quit my job at the necular power plant
I guess it was the toxic work environment
How do drummers ask if they can take a break?
It's quite simple
Hey, you guys think we can work on stairway to heaven for a bit?
An Egyptian pharaoh hired me to lay flooring at a tomb he was building. He said it wouldn't pay well at first but as I worked my way to the top I would reap the benefits. it wasn't quite a pyramid scheme
But it was multi level carpeting.