Quitting Time Jokes
102 quitting time jokes and hilarious quitting time puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quitting time that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Quitting Time Short Jokes
Short quitting time jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quitting time humour may include short quitting work jokes also.
- I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.
- Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer' Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
- My first time on an escalator... ...was quite uplifting, the second time though was a letdown
- I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking I have done it twenty times a day for years now.
- My friend does a weekly bad joke Tuesday... Today's was quite good (Bad?) Yesterday, I made a belt out of old watches. What a complete waist of time.
- If I had a nickel for every time someone called me a racist... I could quit my job at the NYPD
- How was it like, flying for the first time? "I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.
- I don't think that I quite understood 'Show and Tell' when I was at school. Every time I 'showed' , the girls told.
- Cold turkey Alcoholic 1: Do you think I should quit cold turkey?
Alcoholic 2: You should! I quit cold turkey 10 years ago, from that time I only eat it hot or at least warm! - I used to be a comedian. Ask me why i quit. Buddy: "Why did you-"
Me: "Timing."
Buddy: "quit?"
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Quitting Time One Liners
Which quitting time one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quitting time? I can suggest the ones about quiet quitting and closing time.
- Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.
- I don't know why people say it's so hard to quit smoking… I've done it like six times
- I quit being a stand up comedian... Every time I performed people would just laugh at me
- Why did frosty the snowman quit drinking? Every time he went out he got plowed.
- I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers. I quit cold turkey a long time ago.
- I adopted a drug sniffing dog... she's having a real hard time quitting
- I am the best at quitting smoking. I do it all the time.
- I can quit alcohol at any point I want... I've already done 3 times before!
- Why did power quit its job? It didn't want to work over time.
- People say I've got no willpower But I've quit smoking loads of times.
- I am very good at quitting smoking I've quit smoking like a thousand times already.
- Why did the belly dancer quit her job? Because she hated waisting time.
- My dad says quitting smoking is pretty easy... ...He quit like 100 times.
- They say quit smoking is hard But it's a lie, my grandpa quit like 200 times
- I quit my job as a watchmaker today... I just didn't have the time anymore
Quitting Time Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about quitting time you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean leaving work jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quitting time pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.
*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners
A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".
The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".
"No. This time it's mayonnaise"
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar
.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heard a dwarf-comedian tell this ( no offence t**... anybody) (quite long)
There is a bar that sponsors a soccer team for midgets, so after every game the team and their opposing team of that weak eat free at the second floor of that bar. So when the teams are eating a man comes in and starts drinking, big time. After a while the first team leaves and the man looks in surpise bus remains silent. After he's had another drink the second team leaves. The man then turns to the barkeeper and says dead serious: " I don't mean to alarm you but I think your foosball ( table football) table is leaving."
No offence to anyone. I just thought it was hilarious.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why a fourth time?
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A q**...!
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A q**...."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A q**..., please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "s**...!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chuck Norris is a creative kind of guy...
Chuck Norris is a creative kind of guy, the last time he f**... it was quite a big deal. Scientifically speaking, they call it the big bang.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The whiny monk
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He can only say two words every five years.
After five years, Father Donald says to him, "Brother John, what do you have to say?"
He replies, "Bed hard."
Five more years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
He replies, "Food bad."
Another five years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
This time he replies, "I quit" at which point, Father Donald says, "Good! You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
Job at a Cadbury's factory ..
>I had a job putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say,
>"Oh packing fudge are we?"
>Or
>"Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
>Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.
>I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
TBH. I don't get the joke and it's annoying me. Can someone explain the obvious wordplay I'm missing??
Mr. Holmes gets into a car accident...
He arrives at the emergency room but there's a fair wait. So he get's some tea from the vending machine and it's quite good. Once his time comes he's brought in and admitted to a room. He's then brought a meal from the kitchen and soon calls in the nurse.
"Nurse, I can't drink this horrid tea!" he says.
"Well what do you want from me?" she asks.
"MORE E.R. TEA!!"
A mule walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The mule replies, "Well, my mother was a horse, of course, of course. And no one can talk to a horse, of course. Which eventually led to divorce, of course. Of which there was no recourse, of course.
So without my father but with my mute mother, it took quite a long time for me to discover...
...I can't have kids"
A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...
...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A newly married Deaf couple..
Soon realize that initiating s**... in the dark is quite difficult. The wife decides that if she wants to have s**... she will s**... him once so he knows. He replies, "and if you don't want to have s**... then s**... me fifty times".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...
They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.
Man walks into a bar and orders 4 beers.
Drinks them, and leaves.
Next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves.
The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone."
This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?"
The man chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."
Why God never got a PhD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I went to the doctor yesterday because I've been feeling tired all the time.
He told me I needed to quit m**....
I asked him if that would solve my problem. "No," he replied, "but I can't examine you while you're doing it."
I've always wanted to improve my knowledge of Greek Mythology....
It's been my achilles elbow for quite some time.
Now that I have quit smoking i see more and more each day how its like an old relationship...
You smell her perfume, see her out with another man
and all you can think of is the good times and
not how she took part of your life away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After his first time having s**... with Sleeping Beauty
the Prince was quite surprised at how loud she was in bed. "Wow, who are you?"
She replied "Aurora"
As soon as the inauguration is over, I'm getting a position on Trump's ethics committee.
I'm not political, I just need some quite time alone.
They say quitting smoking is the easiest thing on the world
That's why I've done it a million times
During 1900 when looking for a vote, Churchill asked a person for his support, to which the man responded:
"Vote for you? I'd rather vote for the devil."
Churchill replied: "I quite understand, but since that man is not running this time, could I count on your support?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.
"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".
I've been living in Sweden for a long time and it's been quite comfortable…
…but then it might just be Stockholm syndrome.
Christmas is a time for all the family to be together...
apart from that, it's quite enjoyable.
(Clean) A group of nuns wanted to make a little money on the side...
They were quite good at woodworking and wanted to make something that the local kids would enjoy so they decided to start up a company that makes yo-yos. Pretty soon making the yo-yos and fulfilling the orders started to take up a good chunk of their time and it caught the attention of the Mother Superior. She pulled them aside and asked what they've been working on so hard and they told her: Nun Yo-yo Buisiness
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you say to a communist who is taking too much time at the counter?
"Oye, quit Stalin the line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm struggling to quit my m**... addiction
On one hand, there is my wife that I care about who is worried about me wasting time and being unmotivated
On the other hand, there is my w**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub
A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub talking about birth control.
The Protestant says to the Catholic, "My religion allows me to use a c**... when I make love to my wife but yours does not. Yet I've got 14 children and you have only 2. How can this be?"
The Catholic replies, "It's quite simple, I have s**... during the safe times of the day."
"And when is that ?" asks the Protestant.
"When you're at work." replies the Catholic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.
That's how I quit smoking.
I was at this party and thirsty,
but the punch line was just a little bit too long so that by the time I got to the end of it, it just wasn't quite worth it.
Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things
He was quite a ruler.
Placebos
Turns out I'm addicted to placebos. I thought I could quit any time, but then withdrawal made me psychosomatic and gave me hypochondria.
I think one of my friends is a T-Rex
Because whenever it's time for him to pay for drinks he can never quite reach his wallet.
My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...
he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.
We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.
Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician
My dad told me this one.
A guy enters in a public toilet ... in the cabin next to him, another constipated guy, he forces himself quite noisy. The first guy, finishing what he had to do, at the exit of the toilet turns off the light, at which time a loud scream is heard. Curious, he returns, turns on the light and asks the one in the toilet: - What happened? This one visibly frightened responds: -I thought my eyes jumped out of my head.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.
Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."
"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."
We have an Irish guy who comes to the pub every night and orders two beers at the same time.
He was asked about this peculiar practice and said, I promised me brother in Ireland that I would always have a pint for him while in America .
This went on for years. The man was a fixture at the bar, ordering his two pints and sitting at the bar drinking them by himself for years.
One day, the man walked into the bar and said, bartender, one beer please . Silence fell. After a few moments, the bartender comes over, hands the man his pint, and says, Hey, I'm really sorry about your brother .
What? Me brother is fine! I've quit drinking .
A Bad Original Joke
One day, a farmer walked up to a fisherman, and said, "Oi, I found this 'ere red thing glimmerin' at the river over yonder. Issa worth much?"
The fisherman takes a look at what the farmer caught. After inspecting it for quite some time, he frowns and says, "I'm afraid it's worthless, sir.
The farmer frowns. "I'm not sure what you're talking about. It's glimmerin', and it looks like a ruby if I've ever seen one!"
"I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid this is just a red herring."
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
Lil Johnny's Sheep
Lil Johnny is walking a sheep through town. The Mayor stops and asks Lil Johnny what he is doing.
"Silly Billy has a boy sheep and I'm taking our girl sheep to his ranch to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.
The mayor thinks this is a bad idea and tells Lil Johnny that this is a job his father would be better off doing.
"Nah," Lil Johnny says, "I've seen dad trying a quite a few times and our sheep hasn't got pregnant yet."
Revenge on a four-year-old child
A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.
I led the child over to my piano, where I allowed him to randomly hit a few keys. I remarked "Wow, your son has a good musical sense, he's quite talented!"
I heard the child hasn't had any free time ever since.
I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.
I'm still out of shape, but I haven't touched a cigarette in months...
Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...
...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.
"To the Grand Hotel please."
The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."
One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."
Pedro gets a New Secretary.
Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband's roving eye.
Dora (Pedro's wife): Does your new secretary have nice legs?"
Pedro: Didn't quite notice."
Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
Pedro: Haven't had the time to check."
Dora: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"
Pedro: Not a clue in the world."
Dora: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?
Pedro: I barely spoke to her, so don't know.
Dora: "How does she dress?"
Pedro: "Very quickly
Two blondes were passengers on a four-engine plane...
Suddenly, one of the engines quit and the pilot announced that the plane would now be fifteen minutes late.
A short time later, another engine quit. The pilot announced they would be thirty minutes late.
Then the third engine quit and the pilot announced that they would be one hour late.
At this point, the one blonde said to the other, "Boy, if the fourth engine quits we could be up here all day!"
An unhappy couple are driving on a snowy night when they get into an accident.
Both of them are hospitalized soon but the wife doesn't survive. The husband is unconscious for quite some time after the accident.
When he wakes up, the doctor gently tells him the truth.
He says, "Sir, we have a bad news."
The man tenses up. He replies, "What? Is it my wife? What happened to her?"
The doctor feels sad saying this, "Yes sir, it's about your wife. She uhhh..."
The man cuts him off and say, "Wait, you said it was a bad news, right? Oh God she survived didn't she?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking w**....
Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.
A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.
They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two naval war ships and a submarine. I repeat edit your bearings and move out of our way!" "Negative sir, were a lighthouse, so its your call!"
(Someone told that this actually happened one time)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the teacher who f**... on their first day?
Yeah, they were so embarrassed that they quit. Now they're a full time tooter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Remember when mcdonalds used to serve cheap, c**... food? I went in for the first time in years and I was surprised how much it had changed.
It's actually quite expensive now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I finally got to go to the dentist for the first time since the pandemic started…
The doctor was shocked at how clean my teeth were but said my breath smelled like s**... and he couldn't figure out why.
He asked if I'd been brushing regularly and I said yes.
He asked if I flossed regularly and I said as much as I normally do.
He asked if I changed my diet and I told him it was the same as it always was.
After sitting there for a moment, he looks at me and asks:
Doctor: Is there anything that's changed?
Me: Well…I did get a bidet and I haven't quite figured out the water pressure.
After many years of fighting crime as batman
Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.
All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the Justice League, and told them that his son was going to take his place. Everyone was very welcoming, except for superman, who immediately quit the Justice League. He just couldn't work with a crypto knight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife's a pleaser
My wife loves to help others, even when someone doesn't appreciate her. I told her one evening she should quit trying to please everyone else all of the time. Her reply was, "But I wouldn't get anything else done if I'm just pleasing myself all the time." d**... I love that woman.
My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"
She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.
Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, what's wrong? The old man responds..
I'm married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed.
So the man, dumbfounded responded, so what's the problem? 😐
The old man responds, I forgot where I live.