Quitting Jokes
100 quitting jokes and hilarious quitting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quitting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn how to cope with quitting something, with a few funny quitting jokes! Find out why it's important to be aware of your habits, and how to not just "quit cold turkey". Explore the benefits of having a support network when quitting anything from smoking to drinking. Get sound advice on how to quit with dignity and how to find the best rehabilitation options available.
Quick Jump To
- Short Quitting Jokes
- Quitting One Liners
- Quitting Job Jokes
- Quitting Time Jokes
- Quitting Work Jokes
- Quiet Quitting Jokes
- More Quitting Jokes
Funniest Quitting Short Jokes
Short quitting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quitting humour may include short quits jokes also.
- My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it. I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
- It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
- I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
- A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
- I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
- So I heard that the hacker "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda... Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!
- I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
- I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a swedish cabinet.
- Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
- My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin. I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.
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Quitting One Liners
Which quitting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quitting? I can suggest the ones about quit job and stopping.
- I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
- Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil
- I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory...... I just couldn't concentrate.
- Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving.
- Somebody stole my mood ring I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
- I had to quit my vegetarian diet Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
- Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.
- Why did the triangle player quit the orchestra? It was just one ting after another
- Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.
- I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers I had to quit cold turkey
- I rely on hotels so much I've actually become quite Inn-dependent
- My wife asked me to please quit singing Wonderwall in the shower I said maybe.
- I love my girlfriend Arial. I'm quite font of her.
- My motto in life is to always give 100% It does make blood donation quite tricky.
Quitting Job Jokes
Here is a list of funny quitting job jokes and even better quitting job puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've decided to quit my job as a Personal Trainer, I'm always feeling drained, and just not physically up to it.. So I've just handed in my too weak notice..
- I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough I've handed in my too weak notice
- The job interviewer asked... The job interviewer asked: "What's your biggest weakness?"
Me: "I don't know when to quit..."
Interviewer: "You're hired!"
Me: "I quit." - Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting. I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.
- I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian. He said, "You can't be serious."
I said, "I know." - I had a job as a can crusher but I had to quit That job was just soda-pressing
- Had to quit my job at the watch factory. The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.
- I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
- My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic... He hasn't gotten a raise in years.
- I just quit my job, I couldn't work for my boss after what he said to me He told me that I was fired
Quitting Time Jokes
Here is a list of funny quitting time jokes and even better quitting time puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.
- Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer' Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
- Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, was quite skinny, and apparently had bad breath. That'd make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
- My first time on an escalator... ...was quite uplifting, the second time though was a letdown
- Quitting smoking is easy I've done it over 15 times
- I don't know why people say it's so hard to quit smoking… I've done it like six times
- I don't know why people say that quiting smoking is hard. I've must have done it a few dozen times by now.
- Quitting drugs is easy... I've done it like a thousand times.
- I quit being a stand up comedian... Every time I performed people would just laugh at me
- I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking I have done it twenty times a day for years now.
Quitting Work Jokes
Here is a list of funny quitting work jokes and even better quitting work puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- David was hard at work... it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
- I always wanted to be an exorcist So I studied and worked real hard to become an orcist. Then I quit.
- Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher. - Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn't strong enough for the work. Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?
- I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn't do it anymore.
- Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant? He got crêped out.
- Quit my job working in the helium factory. I wasn't going to be spoken to like that.
-- - I used to work hard but that really cute girl quit last week.
- How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Quite a few, after all, many Hans make light work
- I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day at work. Deep down.., I realized it wasn't for me.
Quiet Quitting Jokes
Here is a list of funny quiet quitting jokes and even better quiet quitting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just finished reading All Quiet on the Western Front... It was quite Remarque-able.
Silly Quitting Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about quitting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean leaving job jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quitting pranks.
Two nuns
Two nuns are sitting on a bench. A guy in a trench coat comes up and flashes them. One of the nuns has a s**.... The other couldn't quite reach.
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...
It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."
A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time
When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.
One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"
I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...
On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had s**.... I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
I have just started a s**... relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
A teacher was giving a math lesson...
...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
The student replied, "Two dollars."
"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.
"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now
We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
It's quite ironic that "s**..."…
…backwards, spells 'no parts'…
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.
He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
How did the r**... find his sister in the tall grass?
Quite satisfying
"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.
That's how I quit smoking.
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"
Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"
His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
Wanna know how I quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after s**....
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in 'u-n-t' that refers to a woman?
Oh my god! the man thought. I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word. The gentleman thinks for quite a while, then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, I think the word you're looking for is 'Aunt'.
Oh, of course! the Pope exclaims. Do you have an eraser?
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!
I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son
He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.
But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!
i have spent 2 hours trying to explain sunk cost fallacy to my son
he doesn't seem to be understanding anything i am saying and honestly, i feel like giving up.
but if i quit now, i'd have spent all this time for nothing!
My 4 year old was taking her sweet time getting ready for bed and I said to her "quit stallin!"
She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.
My daughter just walked into the living room and said
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Lakers"
Oh No! Not ELON!
Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.
After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.
The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....
"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
"It's awful! Terrorists have stopped Elon Musk's limo! They are saying if they don't get $10 million dollars, they are going to burn him alive! So, I'm out here collecting donations."
"That's terrible! How much have you collected so far?"
"Ten gallons. But everyone else is still siphoning...."
A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.
The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, he says, Why do you have all those knives?
They're for my juggling act, the circus performer replies.
I don't believe you, says the cop. Prove it. So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow, says one to the other. I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.
I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health
So i quit thinking.
Mr Bestetti, we have carried a lot of prostitutes here, but I don't remember ever seeing such an old, ugly and spiteful one
It's 10 pm and a rich businessman, Mr. Bestetti, is working at his home office when his wife enters the room shouting: "I have talked with our priest, he told me everything! You cheat on me by going to the s**...! I am going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce, and you'll give me half of everything, even of our offshore secret bank account!"
To this the husband replies: "No, darling. I actually only go to the club when I have worked for long hours with a foreign businessman. At the end of the day he is tired, doesn't know what to do, so I accompany him and leave him there."
The wife doesn't seem convinced, so she asks to go to the s**... with her husband and check. The husband reluctantly agrees.
At the entrance, the bouncer greets them: "Good evening Mr. Bestetti!" The husband quickly explains to his wife: "This bouncer is actually the brother of one of my employees, I found him this job, that's why he knows me and greets me so kindly."
In the hall, a waitress also greets them and says: "I will give you your favourite table, Mr Bestetti, right in front of the stage." The wife starts shouting, but Mr Bestetti silences her: "I am a very important businessman. The waitress is just showing me respect and giving me a special table."
Inside, another waitress approaches them, brings a cigar to Mr Bestetti and says: "Here's your favourite cigar, Mr Bestetti." The wife is getting quite angry, but he immediately clarifies: "She also works at the tobacconist near my office during the day, that's why she knows which cigars I prefer."
Meanwhile, a group of girls is dancing and on the stage. At the end, the nicest girl remains on her own on the stage and starts removing all of her clothes. At the end she gets her underwear off, holds it up and asks the audience: "To whom shall I gif them?" To which the audience responds in a chorus: "To Mr Bestetti!"
The wife gets mad and starts shouting to her husband. "Cheater! b**...! You were lying to me all along!" she says, before storming out of the building and jumping in a taxi.
Mr Bestetti follows her quickly and manages to enter the same taxi, but she keeps screaming and also repeatedly hitting him with her purse.
After a while, the taxi driver turns back and says: "Mr Bestetti, we have carried a lot of prostitutes here, but I don't remember ever seeing such an old, ugly and spiteful one!
I was once attempted a cross-country marathon in Scandinavia
…but I quit at the Finnish line
Castration
This American guy was sharing his African adventures with his buddies where he had spent a few weeks.One of his buddies asked him what was the weirdest things he witnessed over there.
He replied, in Africa,they castrate the bulls by busting their balls by smashing them together with a BRICK in each hand.
His friend said ouch,that must be quite painful.
He replied,nah not really,unless you are careless and you smash your thumbs.
Cold turkey
Alcoholic 1: Do you think I should quit cold turkey?
Alcoholic 2: You should! I quit cold turkey 10 years ago, from that time I only eat it hot or at least warm!
