quits Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious quits puns

Budum dum crash

If a drummer quits band, but comes back later, would there be repercussions?

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Lonely on the farm

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

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Genies need love too

A man and wife decided to take up golf as a new hobby that they could do together. Both complete amateurs, they found a local course and went down with a bucket of balls and a cooler of beers. After driving most of their balls off the course and into the woods they were about to call it quits when the woman takes one more stroke and drives the ball right through a window of a house just outside the links hidden in the woods. Wanting to do the right thing the couple walked over to the house and knocked on the front door hoping to pay for the window. The door creaked open and they walked in. All of a sudden a whirl of dust spun up in the air and a genie appeared. The genie offered them two wishes with the third wish going to him. "I will make your two wishes come true if I can sleep with your wife tonight." the genie said. The couple discussed and decided it would be worth it. They wished for unlimited wealth and bountiful health. "Poof! Done your wish will come true after mine does this evening." That night after hours of sex the genie finally rolled off the wife, looked into her eyes and said, "so how long has your husband believed in genies?"

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Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Fuck!''

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The Voice

A guy is at work when he hears a voice in his head.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

He ignores the voice, but it keeps coming back.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money,and go to Las Vegas.

Months go by, and the voice won't stop.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

Finally the guy can't take it anymore. He quits his job. He sells his house. He takes all the money and buys a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

The second the plane touches down, he hears the voice in his head:

Go to a casino.

He goes to a casino.

Find the roulette table.

He finds the roulette table.

Put everything on 17 Black.

He puts everything on 17 Black. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up Red 36.

The voice in his head says: Fuck.

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A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate...

In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm.

As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch up, the captain tells the first mate to command the crew to start priming the cannons. The first mate sends the message down and the crew readies the cannonballs, prepares the gunpowder, and takes aim at the merchant ship. The first mate runs back up to the helm and says "captain, the cannons be ready!"

The captain turns to the first mate and says "are!"

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Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

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What does a redneck do after she bangs her second cousin?

She quits counting.

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Lebron James is going to be in Space Jam 2

It's going to be really weird when Lebron quits the Tune Squad and joins up with the Monstars midway through the movie

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Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

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Adolf Hitler walks into a bar.....

The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he'd like his top-notch bourbon on the house. No thanks, Hitler replies. I'll just take a screwdriver. One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.

The next night, Hitler returned to the bar, but this time takes up the owner's offer on the bourbon. Even the best vodka can make a man sick if he's had too many, says the owner. It wasn't the vodka, Hitler replies. It's the juice.

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Voice from above

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice from above. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, ''Damn!"

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What does a toilet say when it quits its job?

I'm done taking shit from you!

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someone tried to tell stan lee this joke during his panel at comic con this week end

what do you call spiderman when he quits the daily bugal and starts working as a valet?

peter PARKER.

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Give a man a fish...

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to google, he quits asking dumbass questions.

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Paddy Quits Drinking

An irishman walks in to a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The barman says: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn't it be better to buy one at a time?'
And the Irishman replies: 'Well you see, I have 2 brothers. One lives in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we left home we promised that we'd drink this way, to remember the good old days when we could drink together.'
The barman is quite touched.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the pub, always drinking the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. But one day, he comes in looking a bit sad and orders just two pints. The regulars notice and fall silent, When he comes back to the bar for another round, the barman says:
'Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I know we all want to offer condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment then he laughs. 'Oh no,'he says, Γ©veryone's fine. I've decided to quit drinking."

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Lawyer Joke :)

What's the difference between a Lawyer & a Hooker?
A hooker quits screwing you when you're dead :)

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A doorman quits his job.

He just couldn't handle it anymore.

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Hitler walks into a bar.

The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he'd like his top-notch bourbon on the house. No thanks, Hitler replies. I'll just take a screwdriver. One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.

The next night, Hitler returned to the bar, but this time takes up the owner's offer on the bourbon. Even the best vodka can make a man sick if he's had too many, says the owner. It wasn't the vodka, Hitler replies. I blame the juice.

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Genie quits working after a severe disagreement with master.

He rubbed her the wrong way.

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Might be their last one...

At school one day the teacher said to one of her students "So Johnny, I hear your mom is pregnant."

"Yep," said Johnny, "And I know what they are going to name it."

"Really," said the teacher, "what are they going to name it?"

"Well," he said, "If it's a girl, they are going to name it Charlene, and if it's a boy like me they are going to call it Quits."

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A prominent art collector quits the Cabinet immediately after his confirmation

He had stumbled into the wrong auction

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A man suddenly quits being gay

He just thought it was too much of a pain in the ass.

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What do you call a T-800 that quits it's day job to help local businesses rid themselves of insects and rodents?

An Ex-Terminator

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How does a Jedi exit a computer program?

He Force quits.

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A urologist (penis doctor) quits his job...

A urologist gets fed up with his practice and decides to quit one day. He walks out of the hospital and sees a flyer: "Become a certified mechanic in 30 days!" He enrolls in the program and after 30 days, its time for the final exam: take apart a car engine and put it back together. He takes the test and gets his score : 150/100. He goes up to his instructor and says "Thanks sir, but 150 points?! Why?" The instructor says, "Well you took apart the engine perfectly, you got 50 for that. Then you put the engine back together perfectly, you got 50 for that." The former doctor goes, "And the other 50?". The instructor says, "We gave you an extra 50 for doing the whole thing through the tailpipe."

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A math joke

A mathematician quits his job at a major university to pursue work as a firefighter. At his local fire station, the firefighters are impressed with the mathematician's resume and ask him a few questions.

"What do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's on fire?"

The mathematician responds. "Easy, I'd just put out the fire."

The firefighters were pleased. "Okay, what do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's not on fire?"

The mathematician thinks for a little bit. "Easy! I'd set it on fire!"

The firefighters are aghast at his stupidity. They ask him if he's an idiot, to which he replies, "No! I've just reduced the problem to one I've already solved!"

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It's a great feeling when your phone learns that you swear ...

and eventually quits ducking up your words.

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Lebron James quits basketball to become an actor

And he's taking his talents to Hollywood

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What do you call it when The Penguin quits his life of crime to become a wine aficionado?

Danny DenVino

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Did you hear about the movie where Peter Dinklage quits his electrician job to pursue a career in music?

It's called "Semi-Conductor".

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What do you call it when a woman quits her job at the age of 45 to help women deliver babies?

A Midwife Cwisis

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What are the most funny Quits jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Quits? Well, here are the best Quits dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Quits pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes