Quit Jokes
154 quit jokes and hilarious quit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a laugh, check out our collection of quit jokes. From funny one-liners to clever puns, these jokes are sure to get you smiling.
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Funniest Quit Short Jokes
Short quit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quit humour may include short exit jokes also.
- My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it. I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
- It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
- I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
- A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
- I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
- I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a swedish cabinet.
- Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
- My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin. I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.
- I've decided to quit my job as a Personal Trainer, I'm always feeling drained, and just not physically up to it.. So I've just handed in my too weak notice..
- I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
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Quit One Liners
Which quit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quit? I can suggest the ones about escape and withdraw.
- I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
- Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil
- I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory...... I just couldn't concentrate.
- Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving.
- I had to quit my vegetarian diet Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
- Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.
- Why did the triangle player quit the orchestra? It was just one ting after another
- Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.
- I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers I had to quit cold turkey
- I rely on hotels so much I've actually become quite Inn-dependent
- I love my girlfriend Arial. I'm quite font of her.
- My motto in life is to always give 100% It does make blood donation quite tricky.
- I decided to become vegan today The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.
- David was hard at work... it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
Quit Job Jokes
Here is a list of funny quit job jokes and even better quit job puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The job interviewer asked... The job interviewer asked: "What's your biggest weakness?"
Me: "I don't know when to quit..."
Interviewer: "You're hired!"
Me: "I quit." - I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian. He said, "You can't be serious."
I said, "I know." - Had to quit my job at the watch factory. The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.
- My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic... He hasn't gotten a raise in years.
- I just quit my job, I couldn't work for my boss after what he said to me He told me that I was fired
- Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.
- So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus... The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"
- My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good. So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.
- I told a girl a joke. She said, "Don't quit your day job."
I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian." - The Matrix in reverse is the story of a guy who quit drugs and got a job Convince me otherwise
Quit Drinking Jokes
Here is a list of funny quit drinking jokes and even better quit drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?" "It will definitely feel longer. "
- I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol I think I will quit reading soon.
- Every day I say to myself, John you have to quit drinking. Thank god my name isn't John.
- Why did frosty the snowman quit drinking? Every time he went out he got plowed.
- The best thing about quitting coffee for good... ...is how great coffee tastes when you start drinking it again.
- I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling. It is quite the de-vice.
- After reading about the effects of smoking and drinking I've decided to quit Reading.
- Quitting drinking's been a lot easier ever since I became friends with the Antichrist Hard to get buzzed someone turns all your wine into water...
- I'm trying to quit drinking I'm always saying to myself "stop drinking Mike" but I keep drinking
Because my name isn't Mike - I walked into the pub And the barman said, Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you, Dave?
Whatever you've been drinking, mate.
Quit Acting Jokes
Here is a list of funny quit acting jokes and even better quit acting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the sailor quit his acting career? Because he wasn't landing any good roles.
- Asia Argento quitting acting to become projectionist
- After DiCaprio got brain damage, he decided to quit acting and become a ballet dancer. What a leotard.
Threatened Quit Jokes
Here is a list of funny threatened quit jokes and even better threatened quit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't quit my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.
- I didn't quit my job today I wanted to quit, but they threatened to fire me
Hilarious Quit Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about quit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dispose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quit pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I Went to the doctor
And he told me to quit m**....
I said "whys that?"
He said "Because you're in my office"
A police officer was directing traffic.
A police officer was directing traffic. He saw a man walking along the sidewalk with a penguin following him. He says, "Sir, you have a penguin following you."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."
Vow of Silence
Chap decides to to join a monastery. As a novice he is only allowed to speak two words to the prior, once every 7 years.
The first seven years go by and he whispers, "Cold floors..."
The next seven years go by and he whispers, "Bad food..."
Seven more years go by and he croaks, "I quit!"
The prior raises his eyebrows and replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you joined."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the farmer who was a h**... addict?
He had to quit in the end, because he couldn't find a needle in a haystack.
Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?
He got crêped out.
So Chris Brown has quit music...
Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A q**...!
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A q**...."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A q**..., please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "s**...!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The whiny monk
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He can only say two words every five years.
After five years, Father Donald says to him, "Brother John, what do you have to say?"
He replies, "Bed hard."
Five more years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
He replies, "Food bad."
Another five years go by and Father Donald asks him again.
This time he replies, "I quit" at which point, Father Donald says, "Good! You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats.
I'm trying to quit cold turkey.
A man ordered two drinks at once every day...
The bartenders curiosity got the better of him, and he asked "Why not just get a double?"
The man answered "I'm drinking one for myself and one for my buddy that didn't make it back from Iraq."
After a couple of months, the man started ordering just one drink. The nosy bartender asked what's up.
"My doctor told me I have to quit drinking."
Quit my banking job this morning
I lost interest
I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.
Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.
A girl quit her job at the doughnut factory...
She was fed up with the hole business.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,
but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."
A Linux Joke
In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string?
Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.
I love animals, and I want to stop eating meat...
But I just can't quit cold turkey!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm trying to quit m**...
But it's hard
Two Women Talking in Heaven
1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.
Why did the cyclops quit teaching?
He had only one pupil.
The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.
I need to quit making rash decisions.
Why do they sell shoes in pairs?
Because they're sole-mates.
(I made this joke up about a week ago and figured I'd tell it on non-peak hours so I don't get upvoted enough to quit my day job)...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.
We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-a**... neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!
Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn't get arrays.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is sobbing into his beer...
It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."
This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it.
Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.
Why did the doctor quit his job?
He ran out of patients.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me to My Neighbour
we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?
He couldn't handle the boos.
wife's insisting to quit job
The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.
I quit smoking for good
Now I smoke for evil.
The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...
I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.
I'm addicted to placebos.
I could quit but it wouldn't matter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man buys a Christmas tree.
As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."
I used to work hard
but that really cute girl quit last week.
Had to quit my band after nobody came to any of our gigs.
Going to miss the boys from "Private Function".
I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers
So I was able to quit cold turkey
I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking
I have done it twenty times a day for years now.
I quit my job working for Nike.
Just couldn't do it anymore.
I no longer eat club sandwiches
I quit cold turkey.
Swimming pool
I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!
I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!
Yes, but not from the high dive!
Yet another job Interview joke
Interviewer: So what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: I never know when to quit.
Interviewer: Well that can always be turned to our advantage! Congratulations, you're hired.
Candidate: *I quit*
Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...
Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My gay friend decided he wanted to quit being gay...
So he bought himself a pack of nicorette patches and he puts them on his w**.... It's working pretty well, he's down to two butts a day.
The fastest way to quit being vegan is...
Cold turkey
I quit being a stand up comedian...
Every time I performed people would just laugh at me
My wife finally quit smoking today.
Who knew a body could burn for so long?
I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs
He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cigarette after s**......
That's how I quit smoking.
I decided to teach karate to my neighbors kid
He was enthusiastic for the first two days but then quit before he could finish painting the fences
I'm proud to say I've been clean for one year.
But all these showers aren't helping me quit smoking crack.
I quit my job drilling ventilation holes in jet engines...
...it was just plane boring.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"One cigarette each time you have s**..." was the doctor's prescription.
That's how I quit smoking.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...
I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend with a c**... addiction recently quit.
It was the end of the line for him.
I always wanted to be an exorcist
So I studied and worked real hard to become an orcist. Then I quit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.
You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.
You tell them you have no s**... life and ... nobody bats an eye.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park
Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"
He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."
Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.
A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette.
Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette."
He replies: "No, I quit smoking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a prostate exam today
Doctor felt around and said I had to quit m**.... I asked why? Doctor said so he can finish the exam.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wanna know how I quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after s**....
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
