The Best 65 Quit Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Quit jokes. There are some quit quitter jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these quit withdrawals puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Quit Jokes and Puns

Quit my job at the helium factory

I'm not gonna let them talk to me like that.

So Chris Brown has quit music...

Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

Quit joke, Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.

Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.


So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...

The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"

A Linux Joke

In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string?

Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.

Quit joke, A Linux Joke

"Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?"

"It will definitely feel longer. "

Quit my job at the helium factory today

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

Why did the cyclops quit teaching?

He had only one pupil.

You can explore quit resign reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean quit resignation dad jokes. There are also quit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I just quit my job, I couldn't work for my boss after what he said to me

He told me that I was fired

Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!

Why did I quit my job in Mexico?

It didn't peso well.

I quit my job at the helium factory today

I won't stand to be spoke to in that tone of voice

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

Quit joke, I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it.

Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.


Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol

I think I will quit reading soon.

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

Just quit my job at the helium factory.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

I had a job as a can crusher but I had to quit

That job was just soda-pressing

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

My wife asked me to please quit singing Wonderwall in the shower

I said maybe.

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!

I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!

Yes, but not from the high dive!

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

I had to quit cold turkey

Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...

Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.

Quitting smoking is easy

I've done it over 15 times

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, *Why??*

He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

A cigarette after sex...

That's how I quit smoking.

"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking his polyjuice potion?

Because it was making him moody.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn't concentrate.

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

The job interviewer asked...

The job interviewer asked: "What's your biggest weakness?"

Me: "I don't know when to quit..."

Interviewer: "You're hired!"

Me: "I quit."

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

I always wanted to be an exorcist

So I studied and worked real hard to become an orcist. Then I quit.

My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good.

So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.

But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

I finally quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn't strong enough for the work.

Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?

I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough

I've handed in my too weak notice

Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Quit when he was in his Prime.

Had to quit my job at the watch factory.

The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

Two blondes were passengers on a four-engine plane...

Suddenly, one of the engines quit and the pilot announced that the plane would now be fifteen minutes late.

A short time later, another engine quit. The pilot announced they would be thirty minutes late.

Then the third engine quit and the pilot announced that they would be one hour late.

At this point, the one blonde said to the other, "Boy, if the fourth engine quits we could be up here all day!"

I quit my job at the high ceiling store after one day.

Everything there went way over my head.

My girlfriend said, "If you don't quit drinking, I'll leave you."

I never expect to hear two bits of good news in one day.

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard

I am SOOO board

Quitting nicotine is easy.

I've quit 5 times already.

I've just quit my job a helium factory.

I won't be spoken to in that tone....

I had to quit my new job as a personal trainer

After a few weeks of work I decided I didn't have the fitness required to do the job so I handed in my too weak notice

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the quit shroom jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working quit retire piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes