Quit Acting Jokes
16 quit acting jokes and hilarious quit acting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quit acting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Quit Acting Short Jokes
Short quit acting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quit acting humour may include short stop making jokes also.
- Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him? He couldn't handle his boos.
- After DiCaprio got brain damage, he decided to quit acting and become a ballet dancer. What a leotard.
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Quit Acting One Liners
Which quit acting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quit acting? I can suggest the ones about quit drinking and stop repeating.
- Why did the sailor quit his acting career? Because he wasn't landing any good roles.
- Asia Argento quitting acting to become projectionist
Fun-Filled Quit Acting Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about quit acting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean acting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quit acting pranks.
A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.
The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, he says, Why do you have all those knives?
They're for my juggling act, the circus performer replies.
I don't believe you, says the cop. Prove it. So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.
Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow, says one to the other. I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.
Two Women Talking in Heaven
1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
A Juggler, and the Police...
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
a jewish lady and her boy were at the beach...
the boy is swimming in the sea, quite a way out. the mother looks on from the shore. after a while its clear the boy is in trouble. he's struggling to keep his his head above and he goes under.
his mother cannot swim at all so with no other option she drops to her knees and prays to God.
"GOD, Hear me! please help my boy! help my little bubala!"
sure enough the boy raises from the sea, levitating in the air he begins to float to the shore. it is clearly an act of god. the invisible force delivers him right into his mothers arms where he spits up sea water and takes a deep gasp of air...
his mother looks up at the sky and shouts to God:
"Excuse me!! I believe he was wearing a hat, hmm?"
Little Johnny was having trouble with school...
Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.
Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic School.
After coming home from the first day, Johnny went straight up to his room and began studying. Only coming back down to eat dinner, Johnny stayed in his room and studied till bedtime.
A few weeks later, his parents were overwhelmed to see that Johnny had improved his grades, especially his math grade which had been the worst of the lot.
They praised their son but were also quite interested in what had caused the improvement.
"Was it the nuns? The curriculum?" they asked.
Johnny shook his head and replied, "At first I didn't take them seriously, but when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant...
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to Mary, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
Mary calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
Two ladies meet in heaven
Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks
. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:
"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or
"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or
"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the c**... of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said,
"OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
Conversation in Heaven.
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking; from the attic
and all the way down into the basement,
I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.