The Best 84 Quietly Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Quietly jokes. There are some quietly intently jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these quietly quiet and loud sex puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Quietly Jokes and Puns

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Ol' Merl & Ethel

Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."

Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.

The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.

"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.

"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"

Quietly joke, Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.

An indian and a white man are walking through the woods...

and the white man is trying to learn how to hunt game from the indian. So the indian is moving quickly and quietly through the dense forest and the white man is fumbling loudly behind him. Suddenly, the indian stops short and presses his cheek up against a large tree. He then exclaims,

*"Moose come."*

The white man is baffled by how the indian discovered this and says, *"How do you know that?"*

Indian: *"Cheek sticky."*

The Farmer

A Farmer, carrying a sheep under one arm, storms into his bedroom where his wife is in bed, quietly reading.

The farmer stares his wife directly in the eyes and yells "THIS IS THE PIG I HAVE SEX WITH WHEN YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!"

The farmers wife looks him up and down and states " Thats a sheep, not a pig"

The farmer replies "I WASNT TALKING TO YOU!!"


Travelling Tip

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.

I leave the number of the room next to me.

It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,

"Why are you calling me?"

Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

Quietly joke, A blonde walks into a library..

Lawyers are expensive

Someone walks to the lawyer's office and asks "How much is you services?" The lawyer replies "$500 for three questions". The man is surprised "Isn't that a little expensive for three questions?". The lawyer quietly replies "No sir, it is not. And what would be your 3rd question?"

Luella and Rose

There were these two sisters Luella and Rose. They were going
to get a picture taken of themselves as they just got their checks.
They go to the studio and after the photographer fools with the
camera he tells Rose to sit quietly because he had to focus.
Well, Luella being hard of hearing says, "Huh?"
Rose says, "Be still girl he's gonna focus!"
Luella looks and says, "Both of us?"

I quietly left my job as a set designer...

I didn't want to make a scene.

A man sits down at a children's park

A man is sitting down at a bench enjoying some lunch during his lunch break. Overhead he watches children frolick and play. But then he sees a group of women quietly discussing (obviously) him.

Then all of the sudden one of the women confidently approaches the man. With an ounce of cockyness, in a bid to lure away the man, the women asks "So, which one is yours?"

The man replies "I haven't decided yet."

You can explore quietly nervously reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean quietly softly dad jokes. There are also quietly puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What's the difference between an orange and an erection?

... I don't have an orange.

My boyfriend's cousin introduced himself to me with this joke. Works best when whispered quietly into someone's ear at a noisy dinner party, FYI.

A drunk guy enters a Catholic church

A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:

-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!

A man calls his wife late at night.

He says, "I'm sorry honey, but i'm going to be staying with Jack tonight."

She says, "Its ok, honey. I'll see you in the morning, love you."
"I love you, too dear. Have a good night."

The wife quietly hangs up the phone and turns to the man in her bed, "Its ok, my husband is with you tonight."

-Redd Foxx

A day in court....

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce?"

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well one story is I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!"

As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

Quietly joke, As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

A Jew is on his deathbed.

Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

Two priests on a drive

Two priests are on a drive when they are pulled over by a state trooper. When the trooper gets to the window he tells the priests that he is out today looking for a couple pedophiles. The two priests look at each other and begin whispering really quietly. After a moment the priest in the driver's seat looks back up at the state trooper and says, "We'll do it!"


"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

A pony walks into a bar...

and quietly whispers to the bartender that he would like a beer. The bartender says "i can't hear you. You will have to speak up." The pony say "I'm sorry I'm a little hoarse."

A Day in the Library

A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

Married farmer driving home on horses

A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.

The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."

A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building......

The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"!

My friend and I are going to see a movie.

As we enter the theatre, we see a sign that says "no food or drink permitted."

Quietly I say, "I have a way to get around this."

To which he says, "How? It's not like we have a purse or huge pockets to hide things in."

I replied, "I've got a couple Twix up my sleeves."

Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...

...they are pulled over by a police officer.

The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."

The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.

Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over -women like that are hard to find.

Two women are at a cafe, sitting quietly

I wish to die like my grandfather, quietly in my sleep...

...not screaming like the other 3 people in his car.

Crappy biology bar joke

A few cells enter a bar. They sit in a corner and talk amongst themselves, drink moderately and don't pick up a fight with anyone. They leave the bar quietly.

Because they were cultured cells..

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk?

My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.

When is a train being polite at dinner time?

When it choo's quietly.

Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

Two men are fishing from a bridge...

When one man notices a funeral procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we have been married for forty years."

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church

when the pastor noticed him.

"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.

"All those names. Who are they?" the boy asked.

The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day. They are those who died in the service."

The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

There are a mother and child at a wedding.

The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth more. He quietly responded, "If I take the dime, they will stop offering me the money. I've made $20 already!"

When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*

Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

I always walk very quietly past pharmacies...

so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.

Johnny

A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're stupid!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're stupid?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Wife: Why did you spend a hundred dollars on a boardgame you've only played once?

Me: *quietly checks the wedding bill*

A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician all go hunting.

After sitting quietly on a hillside for a few hours, they spot a buck in the field below.

The mathematician measures up his shot and does some rough calculations on bullet drop, then fires. He misses about 5 feet to the left.

The physicist says "you forgot to account for wind!" He lines up his shot, and over-corrects, missing by about 5 feet to the right.

They both look over at the statistician, who proclaims: "We hit him!"

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in panic like his passengers.

The Sun Mission

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!!

Let's get out of here son! Quietly, you're gonna wake up your mom!

Playing my instrument quietly

Is not my Forte

Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"

I was in the bar, quietly enjoying a beer, when this big, fat, ugly broad came up an started talking to me...

I asked, "Excuse me, do you have a pen?"

She replied, "Yes, why?"

I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you've escaped."

A woman turns to her husband sitting in church one Sunday morning and quietly says,

I've just let a silent fart. What should I do?

Her husband leans over to her and replies, Get a new battery for your hearing aid.

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers. The first boy quietly asks God for a puppy, the second boy shouts "PLEASE LORD LET ME HAVE A NEW BIKE". The first boy says to the other boy "you don't need to yell I'm sure God can hear you", the second boy says "I know he can but grandma needs to".

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

A young missionary on his first term in Africa..

..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Do not try to read between the lions.

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, What the heck was all that about?

The bit of black tarmac replies, You have to be careful not to upset that one. He's a bit of a cyclepath."

I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest

The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"

The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

When my time comes, I want to pass away quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not yelling and screaming like everyone else in the car.

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"

All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.

After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."

Life Pro Tip: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the kitchen floor, quietly kick it under the refrigerator.

Soon it'll be water under the fridge.

There is a husband and a wife that, over their marriage, have eight kids.

One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, "Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?"

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, "So who is Billy's father?"

"You."

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...

As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.

"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"

"Linda," the wife replies meekly.

"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"

"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Grandma: It's midnight, you can't sing now.

Little Karl: But I need to sing really bad!

Grandma: Well ok then. Sing quietly to grannys ear.

Pavlov's Dog

After we finished the pop quiz in our psychology class, our teacher allowed us to quietly talk amongst ourselves. A group of us were discussing the idiocy of Pavlov's dog and how pairing a stimulus with a conditioned response seemed illogical in the real world. Then the bell rang, and we all headed out to lunch.

Bees and flowers

As little Johnny had become increasingly interested in the girls over the summer, his mom told his dad he should talk to his son about the flowers and bees and such. Dad obligingly took Johnny fishing, and as they sat quietly by the water, he asked:

So Johnny, you remember last time we went fishing, right?

I sure do, dad!

And you remember those girls we met, right?

Of course!

Well, what we did to them, the bees do to the flowers as well.

A Mathematician, an Electrician and a Lawyer are having a job interview.

The Interviewer asked the three Men, "What's the answer to one plus one?"

The Mathematician instantly replied, "Two!"

The Electrician went away, measured lots of things, and eventually came back and gladly said, "Two"

The lawyer looked around, closed the door, leaned in towards the interviewer, and quietly said, "What would you like it to be?"

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!

-James Franco

Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?

They didn't want to make a spectacle

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He asks, "What happens next?"

"Then you'll take his throne."

Oedipus is pleased to hear that he'll become king, but there must be more to his fate.

"And what happens next?"

"Then you'll sleep with Joe."

Oedipus is confused.

"Who's Joe?"

3 farmers.

3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.

"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.

"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.

The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.

Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"

Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.

A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."

Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."

The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."

"Everyone pees in the pool." Mr. Green stated plainly.

The lifeguard shouts "from the high dive Mr. Green?!?"

Move to the left!

"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".

All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.

The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move".

An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Went to visit my ol dad at the nursing home.

We sat quietly on the porch as he never was much of a talker. A nurse diligently stood by his side keeping an eye on him, every so often he'd start to slide sideways and she'd give him a gentle push to prop him up. I asked how he was doing and he said the place was fine, they just won't let him fart.

Why did the tennis shoe walk away quietly?

It was a sneaker. :)

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the quietly slyly jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working quietly quiet smoke piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes