Quietly Jokes

Following is our collection of nervously humor and intently one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Quietly puns for adults, dirty softly jokes or clean quiet and loud sex gags for kids.

There is an abundance of slyly jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes on quietly. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any quiet smoke witze you can hear about quietly.

The Best jokes about Quietly

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"

All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.

After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."


A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

There are a mother and child at a wedding.

The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

I quietly left my job as a set designer...

I didn't want to make a scene.


Johnny

A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're stupid!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're stupid?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...

As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.

"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"

"Linda," the wife replies meekly.

"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"

"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

There is a husband and a wife that, over their marriage, have eight kids.

One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, "Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?"

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, "So who is Billy's father?"

"You."

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in panic like his passengers.

A woman turns to her husband sitting in church one Sunday morning and quietly says,

I've just let a silent fart. What should I do?

Her husband leans over to her and replies, Get a new battery for your hearing aid.


Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...

...they are pulled over by a police officer.

The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."

The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.

Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."

Two women are at a cafe, sitting quietly

When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*

Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

A Day in the Library

A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

A Jew is on his deathbed.

Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"

Ol' Merl & Ethel

Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

The Sun Mission

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

A man calls his wife late at night.

He says, "I'm sorry honey, but i'm going to be staying with Jack tonight."

She says, "Its ok, honey. I'll see you in the morning, love you."
"I love you, too dear. Have a good night."

The wife quietly hangs up the phone and turns to the man in her bed, "Its ok, my husband is with you tonight."

-Redd Foxx

Poor elderly couple in fastfood restaurant

A Poor elderly couple walk into a fastfood restaurant and order one value meal. They quietly go to their table And the man gets a knife and cut the hamburger in half, gets a plastic cup, And proceed to equally divide the drink that came with the menu drop by drop. He then divide the fry's one by one so they both get exactly the same amount.

Another costumer noticed this and gets to the couple: "It seems you can't afford to get a meal for both. I be happy to buy you an additional meal". The man replies: "No its OK. we are used to sharing. We share everything since we are together.", and the costumer go back to his table but still observe the couple.

He sees how the man drinks half of their drink.
He sees how the man eats his part of the fry's
and he sees how the man eat his half of the hamburger, he noticed his wife haven't eat a single bite.

He goes back to the couple and ask the wife:"Well what are you waiting for?",

The wife replied:"the teeth"

A cowboy walks into a bar

In the bar, he sees a woman he's never met before, so he goes over to talk to her.

"Who are you?". The woman tells him "I'm a lesbian", and the cowboy, confused, asks her what that means. "You see, I love women. I'm always thinking about women, and I want to sleep with women all the time."

So the cowboy, interested by the woman's explanation, stays quietly thinking about what he heard. A tourist walks into the bar and sees the cowboy, and he excitedly asks "Hey man are you a real cowboy?".

The cowboy replies "That's what I thought all my life, son... but I think I'm a lesbian."

An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...

His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.

Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go on for no more than half an hour, but this time, he was babbling on and on for over 1 hour and 45 minutes! Once the senator finished, his friend went up to him and asked him "senator, why did you talk for such a long time? You are usually very brief." The senator replies "It's your fault, you gave me my wife's teeth!"

A pony walks into a bar...

and quietly whispers to the bartender that he would like a beer. The bartender says "i can't hear you. You will have to speak up." The pony say "I'm sorry I'm a little hoarse."

Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.

When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

A wife comes home late one night...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From the covers on the bed, she spots the outline of four legs instead of her husband's two. She reaches into their closet for a baseball bat and starts hitting the two under the covers as hard as she can.

Once she's done,she heads down to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters the kitchen, she sees her husband there at the counter reading a magazine. He says to her, *"Hi honey, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"*

Together Again

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they're finally together.

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? The friend replied, I think he means her legs.

Travelling Tip

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.

I leave the number of the room next to me.

It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,

"Why are you calling me?"

Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.

Little boy and a priest

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar."

Fun with police

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Kim Jong-un & Donald Trump

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.

When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause

Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk?

My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...

They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.

The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."

Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get Narnia united."

There's a pause so they all look at Cecil. He raises his eyes from his drink and quietly says, "Oh yeah? You have no idea what I went through just to get a cavity filled."

A man sits down at a children's park

A man is sitting down at a bench enjoying some lunch during his lunch break. Overhead he watches children frolick and play. But then he sees a group of women quietly discussing (obviously) him.

Then all of the sudden one of the women confidently approaches the man. With an ounce of cockyness, in a bid to lure away the man, the women asks "So, which one is yours?"

The man replies "I haven't decided yet."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon...

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "NOW you are screwed."

Embarassment

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy;
he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded with a loud voice:
$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building......

The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"!

Two men are fishing from a bridge...

When one man notices a funeral procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we have been married for forty years."

She married and had 6 children

Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 3 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.

At last, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."

I always walk very quietly past pharmacies...

so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

Bouncing neighbour...

Jimmy had been hearing loud bumping noises coming from his parents room for the last 3 or 4 nights. The next night , the noises started again, so he goes to investigate. Quietly opening his parents bedroom door, he see's his mother bouncing up and down on his father. Quietly, he slips back to bed. The next morning,Jimmy asks his mom why she was bouncing up and down on dads stomach.
Mom thinks for a minute , then tells Jimmy, "It's part of a new diet plan to help dad lose weight."
Jimmy then replies, "I don't think it will work mom".
Mom asks Jimmy, "why not!"
"Because every morning when you leave for work, Mrs. Jones from next door comes over and blows daddy back up!"

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He sees a girl sitting by herself and asks, "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replies with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library start staring at the guy. Being embarrassed, he moves to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walks quietly to the guy's table and says with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I can tell what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library now look at the girl in shock. Then the guy whispers in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...

... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.

About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,

"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."

So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.

As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"

Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

She sleepily replied, 'I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?'

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers. The first boy quietly asks God for a puppy, the second boy shouts "PLEASE LORD LET ME HAVE A NEW BIKE". The first boy says to the other boy "you don't need to yell I'm sure God can hear you", the second boy says "I know he can but grandma needs to".

I wish to die like my grandfather, quietly in my sleep...

...not screaming like the other 3 people in his car.

An explorer in the Amazon finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: **"No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."**

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief.

He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: **"*Now* you're screwed."**

Lawyers are expensive

Someone walks to the lawyer's office and asks "How much is you services?" The lawyer replies "$500 for three questions". The man is surprised "Isn't that a little expensive for three questions?". The lawyer quietly replies "No sir, it is not. And what would be your 3rd question?"

Blonde at work

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

An indian and a white man are walking through the woods...

and the white man is trying to learn how to hunt game from the indian. So the indian is moving quickly and quietly through the dense forest and the white man is fumbling loudly behind him. Suddenly, the indian stops short and presses his cheek up against a large tree. He then exclaims,

*"Moose come."*

The white man is baffled by how the indian discovered this and says, *"How do you know that?"*

Indian: *"Cheek sticky."*

A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest

The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"

The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"

What's the difference between an orange and an erection?

... I don't have an orange.


My boyfriend's cousin introduced himself to me with this joke. Works best when whispered quietly into someone's ear at a noisy dinner party, FYI.

In the Library...

A guy asks a girl sitting alone at the library, "do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl answered with a loud voice, "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice, "What??? $200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

...And now all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

Then, the guy whispered in her ears, "I study Law and I know how to make others feel guilty."

An old couple are vacationing in Israel...

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.

The grave digger says "I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000."

The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.

The grave digger is stunned "Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?"

The man gets very close and whispers "A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her."

*

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, why not?"
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

A Jewish businessman meets a redhead...

A Jewish businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute and that
her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after a few minutes of
thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few minutes in the bathroom and
was shocked when she came out to see him masturbating furiously on the bed.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"

A day in court....

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce?"

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well one story is I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!"

Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church

when the pastor noticed him.

"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.

"All those names. Who are they?" the boy asked.

The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day. They are those who died in the service."

The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

The Library Conversation

A guy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl answered with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him,

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and the guy whispered in her ear,

"I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty."

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said
to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three
motorcycles…

Misunderstanding Between Husband And Wife ...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Today I woke up early

I quietly put on my clothes, made coffee. I took my golf clubs and went slowly into the garage. I put the clubs in the car and pulled the car out of the garage under torrential rain.

The road was totally flooded and the icy wind blew at 50 km per hour. I went back to the garage, turned on the radio, and heard that the weather would have lasted all day.

So I went back home, took off my clothes and quietly slipped back to bed. Slowly I approached my wife and, holding her, I whispered in her ear: "the weather outside is horrible!"

Half asleep she replied: "Yes I know …Can you believe my dumb husband went out to play golf!"

Married farmer driving home on horses

A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.

The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."

A rich old man goes golfing with his friends

And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.

"Well guys, meet my new fiancΓ©e" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.

After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!"

"I lied about my age"

"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"

"I told her I was ninety"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying he was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and asked for his mother to have a talk with him.

So his mother takes him quietly by the hand, upstairs to the bedroom. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse" she said to Johnny. So he unbuttons the blouse and takes it off. "Now, take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now, take off my bra and panties."

Johnny finishes removing them and his mother says "Johnny, please don't wear my clothes to school anymore."

When my time comes, I want to pass away quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not yelling and screaming like everyone else in the car.

My friend and I are going to see a movie.

As we enter the theatre, we see a sign that says "no food or drink permitted."

Quietly I say, "I have a way to get around this."

To which he says, "How? It's not like we have a purse or huge pockets to hide things in."

I replied, "I've got a couple Twix up my sleeves."

A Blonde, a brunette and a redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She ' ll never know. "

So the next day they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says, "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught . "

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes