JokoJokes

Quiet Jokes

167 quiet jokes and hilarious quiet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quiet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Everyone loves a good joke! "Quiet Jokes" reveals a unique perspective on the importance of peace and quiet. Learn how to use your inside voice and still get a chuckle. This article examines the benefits of being a quiet kid, the power of sheepish nods, and the value of a silent, yet effective, quit. Get the advice you need to make your jokes quietly but confidently.

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Funniest Quiet Short Jokes

Short quiet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quiet humour may include short silent jokes also.

  1. Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first? It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.
  2. Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.
  3. My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet. I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
  4. My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
  5. The pastor asked a little girl why one should remain quiet in church The little girl replied 'because everyone is sleeping.'
  6. You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship? It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.
  7. Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped? An abduction.
    I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.
  8. When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in panic like his passengers.
  9. After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.
  10. My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

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Quiet One Liners

Which quiet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quiet? I can suggest the ones about idle and calm.

  1. Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
  2. It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning. You could hear the gunshots.
  3. It is so quiet in the Clinton HQ right now. So quiet you can hear an email being deleted
  4. I quietly left my job as a set designer... I didn't want to make a scene.
  5. What do you get when you cross a hippie with a ninja? Peace and quiet.
  6. I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" A kid meal is £250
  7. Two women are at a cafe, sitting quietly
  8. I wonder if Novak Djokovic will leave Australia quietly or will he make a racket ?
  9. How do you make an accordionist play more quietly? Put a sheet of music in front of them.
  10. What is Quiet Tennis? It's like normal Tennis, but without the racket
  11. I always walk very quietly past pharmacies... so I don't wake up the sleeping pills.
  12. I've just found out that one of my best friends is a mime artist. He kept that quiet.
  13. If women were great at multitasking.. Sitting down and being quiet would be easy.
  14. Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's regular tennis, but without the racket.
  15. Why did the tennis shoe walk away quietly? It was a sneaker. :)

Quiet Kid Jokes

Here is a list of funny quiet kid jokes and even better quiet kid puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming. My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'
    I tell ya I get no respect.
  • Most people know how to use the mp3 and mp4 formats... But quiet kids only know about mp5
  • A teacher is quizzing her class Teacher: you use forest for?
    Students: getting wood
    Teacher: fertile lands for?
    Students: growing food
    Teacher: sea for?
    Quiet kid: explosions
  • I have no idea how those quiet kids in school are doing now I haven't heard from them at all
  • I remember this one time in high school I pulled out my MP3 player and people started making fun off me for not having a smart phone At least the quiet kid was there with a MP5
  • When I was a kid, people would ask me why I was so quiet I didn't respond.
  • Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
  • How do you get the quiet kid to talk? You turn off the lights. You'll be surprised at how good they are at imitating gunshots.
  • The carbon monoxide detector is really annoying. But hey, at least the kids are quiet.
  • A Jewish father and son were fleeing from Germany to America After a while, the kid asks "Dad, are we there yet?", and the old man answers "Quiet and keep swimming!"

Peace And Quiet Jokes

Here is a list of funny peace and quiet jokes and even better peace and quiet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.. .. so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
  • My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
  • bleakest Russian joke i know "children! Your father hanged himself for some peace and quiet, not so you could have a swing-set!"
  • Honk... If you love peace and quiet.
  • If time-outs have tought me anything, It's that doing something wrong gets you time for peace,quiet,and solidarity. In a place called jail.
  • Just in time for Christmas, the gift for people who like peace and quiet... ...a phoneless cord.
  • Where's the worst place to go to for some peace and quiet? Illinoise.
  • These jokes are the best way to get some peace and quiet from others. Because now my friends left
  • 5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving o**... s**.... * 1% liked the warmth
    * 2% liked the sensation
    * 3% liked the eroticism
    * 94% just liked the peace and quiet
  • What's the best thing about o**... s**...? The 5 minutes of peace and quiet!
Quiet joke, What's the best thing about o**... s**...?

Quiet Quitting Jokes

Here is a list of funny quiet quitting jokes and even better quiet quitting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just finished reading All Quiet on the Western Front... It was quite Remarque-able.

Quiet Smoke Jokes

Here is a list of funny quiet smoke jokes and even better quiet smoke puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When I first met my wife I asked her if she smokes after s**... She got quiet for a second then said," I don't know, I've never checked ".
Quiet joke, When I first met my wife I asked her if she smokes after s**...

Comical & Quirky Quiet Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about quiet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ease jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quiet pranks.

So there's this man with a parrot.

And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Anyone there?


Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."

Little kid in sunday school

the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; "And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?" To which she replied, "because the old people are sleeping."

Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

A pony recently got to work as a teacher,

But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

What do you call a really, really quiet piece of meat?

A shh-kebab.
---
I love you too, fellas.

A little girl went with her father to the barber to get his hair cut....

...and her father gave her a snack cake to keep her quiet.
As she she frolicked around the barber shop with it, the barber warned, "Little girl, you are going the get hair on your t**...!"
She replied, "I know! I'm gonna grow boobies too!"

p**... has s**... for the first time

After finding out p**... had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.
"It was amazing," p**... gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."
"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.
"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," p**... replied.

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

The Three Old Ladies & the f**...

Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a f**... approached from across the park.
The f**... came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a s**....
Then Maude also had a s**....
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

Meanwhile, in England.

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".
The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."

I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend

and he's a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.
I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.

Irishman and a Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .

John learning Math

Teacher was teaching math to 5 yr old John.
Teacher: What is 5 - 5?
John: *Keeps Quiet*
Teacher: If you have 5 burgers and I take 5 burgers from you, what will you be left with?
John: French Fries.

Many times when I am troubled or confused...

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

A kid asks his mother about his cousins...

"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"

The lone Ranger and Tonto

The lone ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky.

What is the quietest place on Earth?

The complaint department at a parachute packing company.

What's the quietest album in the world?

Stephen Hawking - unplugged

An albino child in an African tribe...

This puts the tribe's chief in a fury and immediatly summons the white m**... that was sent by the Church in his village.
Chief: "Explain the white kid, white man!"
Priest: "Well, you see, a white child amongst your black tribe is... like the black lamb that was recently born in your herd of white sheep, they..."
Chief, interrupting: "If... if you keep quiet about the black lamb, I'll keep quiet about the child."

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"
He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.

This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet.

So I took her to the library.

Why is the all-lisp percussion section so quiet?

Because thimbles aren't very loud.

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it

Blondes..

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

Confucius say to quiet the herd

One must shut the flock up

A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather

"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.
"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."
In comes the youngest brother, and yells:
"BLARRRG BLARR BLARR!"
His mother calmly replies,
"Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Bad egg jokes I thought of

1) what do you call it when you see a pretty egg?
- Egg sighting
2) what do you call it when a really annoying egg is quiet?
- Egg silent
3) what do you call it when a really hyper egg holds still?
- Egg static
4) what do you call it when an egg wonders if there is a god?
- Egg nostic

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench...

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a f**... approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a s**....
The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

The "A Day Without A Woman" protest was today...?

Everything was so quiet, I must've slept through it.

My wife and I were driving home last night, both of us feeling h**...…

We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it.
Then a cop on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket.
I said "What the f**...'s this for?"
He replied, "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone."

A blind man walks into a bar

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

What did the stomach say to the burp?

If you're real quiet I'll let you out the back door.

I took a girl back to my house for s**... last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.
I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?

Why do women f**... less than men?

Because they can't keep quiet long enough to build up the required pressure

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

My mate asked me why I have s**... noises saved on my phone.

I said, It's for sound effects during s**....
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a p**......

... "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in three words." The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words," she tells him. The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck...

...when a drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey, where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied, "You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said, "Quiet, woman , I was talking to the duck!"

Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible s**...!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"

One day a teacher asked her students to use geometry in a sentence

The teacher was baffled that nobody could come up with just one sentence, and finally asked one quiet student in the back to say one... The student looked at her and said:
Once there was a little acorn and it was planted in the ground and grew and grew until one day he awoke and said "gee I'm a tree!"

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

I've always had a thing for the girl next door types, I like my ladies to be earthy, deep and quiet.

It's great that I live next door to a graveyard.

Old washing machine

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes round and the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says, I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!

A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.

Why is the bathroom so quiet at your psychiatrist's office?

Because the P is silent.

A teacher asked her students a question

"Stand up if you think you're s**...."
The room was quiet for a bit, then one boy stood up.
"Do you think your s**..., James?", asked the teacher.
"No," replied James.
"Why did you stand up then?" asked the teacher.
"I didn't want you to be standing alone."

A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.

"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

A man comes home drunk...

As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...
Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?
Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...
As he stumbles into the bedroom he falls over creating a loud CRASHHH
Wife: Bob? Are you OK? What was that sound???
Bob: Oh its nothing honey, i was just hanging my shirt and it fell.
Wife: How did your shirt make such a loud sound?
Bob: I was still wearing it

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.
From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang
This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.
A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?
Yeah!
Well come on over, i'll sell you some!

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...
Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.
The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...
Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?
Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head
This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...
Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH
Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

Dad, why am I called rose?

Daughter 1: Dad, why am I called rose?
Dad: well when you were born a rose petal landed on your head, so we took it as a sign.
Daughter 2: so Dad, why am I called Lily?
Dad: for the same reason, when you were born a lily petal landed on your head.
Daughter 3: JAVDJDJ SKAOAOSBDBSIJS
Dad: be quiet, Fridge.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if the lived by the bay, they would be bagels.

My very quiet intern brought this in when I asked her to find a joke a day to share. She couldn't finish telling it without cracking up.

An elderly couple are making their f**... arrangements.

They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"

Trump was rushed to the hospital after learning that 3 Brazilians died from the Coronavirus

Lying in the hospital bed his face still white with shock, he finally got the courage to ask shakily and in a quiet voice, How many people is a brazillion?"

Quiet joke, Trump was rushed to the hospital after learning that 3 Brazilians died from the Coronavirus

jokes about quiet