Quid Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.

The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.

A small boy has homework..

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

How much does it cost to see Harry Potter fly a broomstick?

About a Quid each.

As a mark of respect to Prince...

The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.

I for one intend to party like it's £19.99.

A prostitute says to a Yorkshireman, "Would you like to sleep with me for 100 quid?"

The Yorkshireman says, "I'm not tired, but I could do with the money"

Cephalopod humour

How much does it cost to treat an ill octopus?

Six Quid....

My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!"...

I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"

How much do flying broomsticks cost at Hogwarts?

Quid each.

A son asks his dad what the difference between theoretically and realistically is....

Dad replies, that's a hard question son but I have an idea, go ask your mom if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid, son returns and said mom said she would, the dad send the son to ask the sister the same question, he returns and said she would too. The dad says to the son, go ask your brother the same question, he returns and says he would too.
Dad replies, there you go son, you have your answer. Theoretically we are sitting on 3 million quid but realistically we are living with two slugs and a poof.

I ordered a 60 inch tv last week for 75 quid

The sound doesn't work but at that price you can't turn it down.

How much would an ill cephalopod cost?

Six quid!


Scratching yourself with a pound coin.

How much do you charge a british centurian for a drink?

LI quid

What do you call it when an Englishman decides to place a 1 pound wager on Croatia to win?

Quid pro Cro

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high." - Tommy Cooper

What are the funniest quid jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Quid? Well, here are the best Quid puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Quid pick up lines to share with friends.


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