Quickly Jokes

A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...

The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.
Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.
The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.
The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.

A dead bird

A blonde was walking with her father, when her father said "look! It's a dead bird! That's so sad!"
The blonde then quickly looked up in the sky and said "Where?"

A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.
The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.
The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.
The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.
The engineer wakes up, sees the fire and uses the extinguisher to put it out.

The German Lifeguard

A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.
They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"
The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

There were 3 Chinese men...

Han, Chan and Fan were planning on migrating to the USA.
They all wanted to assimilate as quickly as possible, so they decided to adopt more traditional American sounding names.
Han decided that he would be Huck.
Chan decided that he would be Chuck.
And Fan...well Fan decided that he`d stay in China.

A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

At the dentist

The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

An elephant escaped from the circus...

...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.
"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."
"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.
"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"

Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.
The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.
The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.
The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

Three guys are drinking methanol. "Quickly, let's finish the bottle, it's getting dark already," one of them observes.

An accordion player walks into a bar,

orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.

A month before my grandfather died we decided to cover his back in lard.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning

She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.
I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."

Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.

She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

Former president Clinton

Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light?

Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"

In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl

- Mary, what is H2SO4?
- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.
Quickly, Johnny says:
- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says

"No swimming without supervision."

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.
As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.
The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.
Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"
The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"
He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.
Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"
The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"
He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it
"Potato Potato"

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

A little boy walks into his parents' room

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."
Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.
He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable position.
He proceeds to the bar where he asks the barkeep for a drink.
Looking at the string suspiciously the barkeep asks,
"Hey... are you a piece of string??"
To which the string replies,
"No, I'm a frayed knot.".
(Shamelessly farming Karma on my cake day)

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."
Bang!  The robber shoots him.
He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

The police were called to a female gym...

The female manager ran out to greet the two male officers as they exited their vehicle.
Please, come quickly. She said in horror, We've found a peep hole drilled into the changing room. Some pervert has been watching us!
Don't worry, the policeman said reassuringly, We'll track down the suspect right away. Please tell all the ladies to go back to their exercising. There's nothing to worry about anymore.
The gym manager nodded, relieved, And what about the hole in the wall?
Rest assured The other police officer said, We'll be looking into it

Today a woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

When I got face to face with the woman, I said, "Miss, are you aware that you could be cited for indecent exposure?"
"Why?" the woman asked.
"Well," I said, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."
The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"