The Best 86 Quickly Jokes

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed

The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"

So two condoms walk into a bar..

.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...

The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.

A dead bird

A blonde was walking with her father, when her father said "look! It's a dead bird! That's so sad!"
The blonde then quickly looked up in the sky and said "Where?"

A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.

The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.

The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.

The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the fire and uses the extinguisher to put it out.

The German Lifeguard

A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.

They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"

The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

There were 3 Chinese men...

Han, Chan and Fan were planning on migrating to the USA.

They all wanted to assimilate as quickly as possible, so they decided to adopt more traditional American sounding names.

Han decided that he would be Huck.

Chan decided that he would be Chuck.

And Fan...well Fan decided that he`d stay in China.

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...

Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"

A mother takes a bath with her 5 year old boy

The boy sees her bush and asks, "Mommy what is that?" The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie." The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one." Apalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?" The boy responds with, "I know because I saw her washing daddy's face the other day."

A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

At the dentist

The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.

The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"

Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

An elephant escaped from the circus...

...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.

"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."

"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.

"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."

The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"

"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

Three guys are drinking methanol. "Quickly, let's finish the bottle, it's getting dark already," one of them observes.

An accordion player walks into a bar,

orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.

Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.

He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.

Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.

Why was Germany able to accept so many refugees so quickly?

They already had all the camps set up.

I hope Death is a man.

That way it will come quickly and be over before I know it.

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed..

... in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.

Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right.

Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?"
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me.

She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.

My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning

She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.

I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.

She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.

As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!

I went to take an online ADHD test today...

but gave up quickly because it was stupid and boring.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"

Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

The cake is a lie.

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"

The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."

A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"

Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

Thieves broke into my house last night looking for money...

I quickly got up and started looking with em!

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

I saw two guys walking down the street in matching clothing.

I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.

Former president Clinton

Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,

"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"

The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"

"No, it was mustard this time."

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".

The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"

In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl

- Mary, what is H2SO4?

- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Quickly, Johnny says:

- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!

My wife walked in on me masturbating...

I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

Sex with my wife is like the England World Cup squad

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.

The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That'll flatten things pretty quickly.

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!

Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.

"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".

"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.

"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.

The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.

As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"

The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"

He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.

Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"

The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"

He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it

"Potato Potato"

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.

And he saw that it was good.

The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

A little boy walks into his parents' room

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but...

...he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs.

"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she said, "how did you find In so quickly?"

Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang!  The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

The police were called to a female gym...

The female manager ran out to greet the two male officers as they exited their vehicle.

Please, come quickly. She said in horror, We've found a peep hole drilled into the changing room. Some pervert has been watching us!

Don't worry, the policeman said reassuringly, We'll track down the suspect right away. Please tell all the ladies to go back to their exercising. There's nothing to worry about anymore.

The gym manager nodded, relieved, And what about the hole in the wall?

Rest assured The other police officer said, We'll be looking into it

How do you open a parachute?!

I need answers quickly please.

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.

The barman says "That was quick!"


"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

The man answers "no money."

Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."

There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.

Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to piss in the boat."

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to the Polish, I grew up in the '60's with a mix of Russian, Czech, Hungarian, Pole parents, relatives and friends and this is mild to the shit we dealt ourselves and friends back then. ;)

Before the bullshit starts

A man comes into a bar and says: "quickly! two beer and two vodka before the bullshit starts!" The barman pours the drinks and the man downs them quickly one after the other.

"Quickly! two more beer and vodka before the bullshit starts!" the barman pours the drinks and the man thows them back like there is no tomorrow

"Quick! Two **more** beer and two vodka before the bullshit starts!"
"Do you have the money to pay for this?"
"Look the bullshit starts already!"

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the *only one* in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,

The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new house outside of town, on a new development.
Fire Chief: we don't seem to have your address on our systems, tell us how to get there.
Blonde: Hellllloooooooooo in your fkn red truck !

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, I have no naughty books!

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, When I was your age, I didn't have such books!

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, Oh, you are truly father and son!

The machine quickly hit her.

Snakes can't multiply!

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply".

The ark quickly emptied except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah why, they replied - we can't multiply, we are adders.

Noah immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.

The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My wife then yells for help with folding the sheets in the bedroom and I simply replied.

"I can't right now, I have too much thyme on my hands"