quicker Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious quicker puns

Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

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The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

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A shark is teaching his son how to hunt humans

Alright son, you start with circling your pray. Every once in a while you take a nibble out of them. And then after a few rounds you finally attack and eat them.

The son confused asks his father; why can't I just attack and eat them from the start? Its definitely quicker!

The father replies; Well that depends son.

The son asks again; on what?

The father says; Do you like your humans full of shit or do you prefer them empty?

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Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:


1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

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I removed the shell from my pet snail...

because I thought it would move around quicker. Now it's just really sluggish

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Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman?

It takes too long to hollow out her head.

(I got this one from my uncle)

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Morals from a Pile of Shit

Once upon a time, there was a stubborn sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings. He tried to fly quicker to warmer air, but his wings kept freezing until he finally fell to the earth in a small barnyard. Almost frozen, unaware of where he was, a cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was surely the end.

But, the manure began to warm him. Soon, his wings were completely defrosted. Warm and happy, able to breathe and able to move again, he started to sing out loud in joy. Just then, a large cat came by to investigate where these familiar sounds were coming from. Soon enough, the cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.

~The Morals to this story?

*Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

*Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

*And the most important thing? Well, if you're warm and happy in your nice steaming pile of shit, keep your fucking mouth shut!!!

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Let's discuss nuclear power

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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A Little Girl On A Plane

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"

Then she went back to reading her book.

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Lets talk.

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."




The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"




"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"



"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"




The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."




To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

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A priest was seated next to a little boy in an airplane, placed his hand on the boy's leg, and asked him, "Do you want to talk?...

... Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little boy, who had just started to read his book, brushed his hand away and replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about? Oh, I don't know, said the priest How about God, Heaven and how you will burn in Hell if you sin?"

OK, he said. Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is? The priest, visibly surprised by the little boy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.

To which the little boy replies, Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is a God, or Heaven or why I will burn in Hell if I sin, when you don't know shit? The little boy then went back to reading his book.

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Studies have shown that half of the people in this country are slowly going crazy.

The rest of us are doing it quicker.

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Paris Hilton recently did a signing for her new autobiography that lasted almost 4 hours.

To be fair she was a bit quicker with the second book.

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Two drunk guys walking home from the pub

They come across a bus depot and decide it would be quicker to steal a bus and drive it home.
One of the guys manages to get one started and shouts on his mate to hop on.
His mate replies " that bus number doesn't go to ours mate, am looking for the number 22."

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What spoils quicker than unrefridgerated meat?

The Walking Dead's facebook page.

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Intelligent Blonde Joke

A guy gets on a plane, and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He turns to her and makes his move. He says, "You know, I heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger...so let's talk."

The blonde asks "Okay, what would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I dunno," says the guy. "How about nuclear physics?"

"Okay," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you this-- a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me...," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear physics when you don't know shit?"

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Relationships are like smartphones.....

You look at your iPhone 7 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.

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Bill O'reilly was on a plane..

Bill O'reilly was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane. 20 Minutes into the flight he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to Bill, "What would you want to talk about?" Oh, I don't know," said O'reilly. "How about global warming, the tides, the economy?" he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "They could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" Bill O'reilly, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, the tides and the economy when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.

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Advice for dealing with all the Aaron Hernandez memes....

...hang in there, it'll die quicker than you think.

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It's funny how 8 cups of water a day seems impossible...

but 8 pints and 4 shots in 3 hours goes down quicker than a chubby kid on a see-saw!

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Human thought

A teacher is teaching the kids that there is nothing quicker than a human thought. All of a sudden, one of the kids gets up and says that she is wrong, so the teacher asks, "What could be quicker, then?"

The kid then says, "Well, last night I overheard my parents having sex as I was passing by the bedroom. After a short while I heard my dad say, 'Shit, I came quicker than I thought.'"

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An apple will wake you up quicker than a strong cup of coffee

If it's thrown hard enough.

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I had a snail when I was a kid

The snail was moving very slowly so I thought if I took his shell off he might move a bit quicker.

He ended up just being a bit sluggish.

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Superman was bored one day and was flying around the city.

He saw with his x-ray vision Wonder Woman in her apartment lying on her back on her bed, naked, with her legs apart.

In a flash, he swooped down through an open window, made love to her, and quicker than lightning flew off.
What was that? asked Wonder Woman.
I don't know , said Invisible Man on top of her, but my ass hurts like hell...

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I had a pet snail when I was a kid

My snail was moving pretty slowly. I thought if I took his shell off he might move a bit quicker.

He ended up just being a bit sluggish.

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Relationships are like mobile phones.

You look at your iPhone 6 and think 'It used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on'.

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Teacher to Student...?

Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

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My doctor told me to stop drinking heavy or else I'll die soon

He's right! I'll die quicker if I drink lighter fluid!

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The teacher to a student

Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run

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A young girl is walking home from school one day when a car pulls up along side her.

The window goes down and the driver says to her
"Hey sweetie, I'll gove you a dollar if you get in the car with me..."
The girl doesn't say anything, she just walks a little faster.
The driver says
"Alright, I'll give you ten dollars if you get in the car with me..."
Again, the girl says nothing, she just walkes a bit quicker still.
The driver then says
"I'll give you one hundred dollars if you get in the car with me..."
At this the girl stops, turns to the driver and shouts
"YOU BOUGHT THE FORD DAD, YOU RIDE IN IT!!!"

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What do death and my priest have in common?

I wish both of them would come quicker.

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Why are portraits of George Washington displayed in British bathrooms?

Because nothing makes the British shit quicker than the sight of George Washington

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Why do Russians celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January?

Cause eight reindeer and a sleigh are a lot quicker than 6 pigs and a stoneboat.

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My friend has a thing for sinking ships

They go down quicker.

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I found my girlfriend on Tinder.

She should have closed the app quicker.

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What are the most funny Quicker jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Quicker? Well, here are the best Quicker dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Quicker pick up lines to share with friends.

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