Quick Good Jokes
106 quick good jokes and hilarious quick good puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quick good that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Quick Good Short Jokes
Short quick good jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quick good humour may include short quick easy jokes also.
- I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity. Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.
Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might." - Some people say that baseball is a boring sport, I just tell them that with a good pitcher... Things can get out of hand pretty quickly.
- I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults. Good thing I don't have any.
- Falling off Bed A lunatic falls off his bed. He quickly gets up. 10 minutes later, he falls again. He thinks to himself "Good thing I got up 10 minutes ago, or I might have fallen on myself"
- Having a shower is like seeing a ridicilously good looking girl/boy You get wet real quick
Share These Quick Good Jokes With Friends
Quick Good One Liners
Which quick good one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quick good? I can suggest the ones about quick simple and quick and easy.
- My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"... Good man, terrible geologist...
- Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers? Because they are quick to retweet
- It's good to be able to tuck it away quickly when needed It's hard sometimes though
- Friday came quickly! She's such a good horse.
- Why are SEOs good at game shows? They know how to get Quick Answers.
- Good ideas are like viral infections... They spread very quickly
- I s**... at sports events It's a good way to make a quick buck.
Cheeky Quick Good Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about quick good you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quick fire jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quick good pranks.
A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.
The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No s**... on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having s**...!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met a sista once who told me she could tell how good a brotha is in bed simply by the way he opens the door to his apartment.
So, I asked her how.
She said if that brotha fumbles with the keys, that means he doesn't know what he's doing.
If he opens the door too quick, means he's too fast and he's a total waste of time.
But if that brotha opens the door with a smooth, controlled movement, that means he's real good in bed.
Then she asked me how I open the door to my apartment.
I told her, "Honey, I lick the lock first."
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion.
The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice.
"What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…"
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "
Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?"
After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor".
The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair".
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news".
The doctor replies, "He's dead".
A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her.
He called his mother to share his good news with her.
He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee.
When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
His mother inquired as to why he had brought three women, instead of just one.
He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law.
She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead."
"How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired.
She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...
so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 s**... it, 1 l**... it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one s**... it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think
Bus Stop Blonde
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are in a car c**...
They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."
A young Russian hockey star comes to America...
After joining a team in the NHL, he quickly establishes himself as a prodigy, and leads them to the Stanley cup in his first year.
He calls his mother to tell her the good news, but she replies; "Don't call here anymore, you're no son of mine."
"But mother, I'm a star, the people in town love me!"
She replies; "Alright, mister star, let me tell YOU something. Last week, your younger brother got jumped by hoodlums just walking home from school. Yesterday, your sister got assaulted right in our front yard. And there's gunshots all around us every night."
She sighs and says "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Detroit."
When i say i'm broke...I'm broke!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Anything you want.
Bob is to the point where he's feeling good, but still a beer or so away from drunk. As he's contemplating his navel, a young woman sidles up next to him and starts blowing into his ear. At first he's taken aback, and tries to brush her away. But then he takes a good look at her and realizes she is the most beautiful women he's seen in quite a long while. "What'cha blowin' in my ear for, young miss?" "Just trying to get your attention, good sir" she whispers. "What'cha want?" "I want to do something for you" she says, in a VERY s**... voice. "Oh really?" he replies. "Oh yes" she says. "Anything at all?" he asks. "Anything at all, any fantasy you can think of" she replies. "And it'll only cost you $100". And then she quickly goes on to add "But you have to tell me in three words or less". "$100 you say. And anything at all?" "That's right, anything at all.". So he ponders a minute or so, and then three distinct words issue forth from his mouth "Paint... my... house."
One of my favorites
A little boy and his mother are in a department store shopping one afternoon. The mother decides to try some clothes on and tells her son to wait outside the changing room for her. A few minutes later she walks out to find her son has his hand up the dress of a mannequin in the store. She quickly rushes over and slaps her sons hand exclaiming "don't ever stick your hand up a girls dress!" The boy seems confused and asks why. His mother explains that "girls have teeth up there and you could lose a finger" Never learning any different several years pass and the boy is now in his teens and has managed to get himself a girlfriend. After a couple months of making out with his girlfriend after school she one day asks him why he never puts his hand up her dress when they are kissing. The boy says "are you crazy I'm not going to put my hand up your dress, you have teeth up there and I could lose a finger." Confused the girl lifts up her dress to show him and says "what are you talking about there aren't any teeth up there" The boy takes a good long look and says "Yeah...not with gums like those"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.
Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cross it.
The Englishman chooses a Rover, solidly built enough to take a blow from a mine perhaps. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.
The Frenchman chooses a Renault, small and quick so it may be able to get between the mines, he thinks. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.
The German asks for a large rubber duck, with a spring stuck on each corner. The Taliban suspect him to be mad, but its good sport so they find him a big rubber duck and kit it out as per his instructions.
He bounces his contraption over the mine field. He hits a mine and explodes. But the e**... carries him forward and he bounces to the next one. He crosses the whole minefield unharmed.
The Taliban at the other side are perplexed by this. "How did you ever manage to devise such a solution to crossing minefields?" they ask.
"Oh it is an old German method," he replies, "We call it the Four-Sprung Duck Technique."
I told you I was broke…
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . '
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....
The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"
Anyone know a good joke about cigarettes and ethics?
I'm doing a presentation about the subject and I would love to throw in some humor, but I can't think of anything that is quick and simple. Any jokes you can loan me? =P
Thanks for reading/posting.
The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"
A fine wine
The Navajo woman accepted my offer of a lift to the reservation, but didn't seem inclined to say much more. I noticed a look of ill-disguised disapproval as she got in the car, lingering for a moment on my exposed cleavage, but that was all – she gazed stonily ahead while the car pulled away, leaving a trail of hot Nevada dust in the rear view mirror.
After a few failed attempts at small talk, and my knowledge of her culture exhausted, I kept quiet, and concentrated instead on the evening ahead: a quick bath before Jim returned from work, followed by a dinner with Michael, his boss, at Bon Vivant, the new French restaurant.
The Navajo woman eyed the silk-wrapped bottle of expensive Cabernet Sauvignon I'd bought, as it rattled gently on the dashboard, and said, 'What is in parcel?'
Though a bit surprised by her directness, I was pleased at the conversation, and I replied, 'A bottle of wine – I got it for my husband.'
She nodded thoughtfully, seeming to approve, and then replied, 'A good trade.'
Marx as a Student
In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.
"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."
Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."
The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"
"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."
A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...
Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.
"There's only two things you need to know. To make him go, say 'Thank goodness'. To make him stop, say 'Woah'."
The businessman thanked the mechanic, put his briefcase in the saddlebag, and shouted "Thank goodness".
Now, the donkey quickly got into a regular rhythm, and the businessman, tired for lack of sleep, soon feel asleep. He awoke sometime later to see the donkey idiotically careening towards a cliff. "WOAH" he shouted, and the donkey started to slow down. Just at the edge of the cliff, the donkey comes to a full stop.
"Phew," the man said "Thank goodness"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to a fortune teller...
..., where she, in horrified voice, tells him that he'll make the world miserable in the near future. The man, down as f**k, starts walking home, where he sees a small boy standing on the edge of a bridge. He quickly runs to him and saves him from s**.... Happy that he did something good for humanity asks the boy what's his name. Adolf h**..., the boy replies.
An old favorite for this festive day
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him, Where is my son? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."
The doctor replies, I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won't be able to kick a soccer ball any more.
The woman asks about her daughter. Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at the US Open.
The doctor says, Sorry but in the accident she lost her arm and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more.
She begins to cry.
Doctor, asks the woman, how long have I been in this coma?
The doctor replies, Six months.
So what's the date? asks the woman.
April 1st, says the doctor.
The woman begins to laugh So you were joking then, were you?
Doctor: YES… they both died on impact.
New Secretary At Work
A blonde secretary was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee? the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.
Oh good! the blonde sighed in relief. I'll have two regular, two black, and two decaf.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it so hard to have a guys night out
Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. I told my wife I would be home by midnight,….I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily…around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home.
just as I got in the door…the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times…Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered…3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!!
Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in….I said twelve Midnight….she didn't seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one)….
then she said we need a new cuckoo clock…I then asked her why…and she said….well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit….cuckooed 4 times, cleared it's t**... and cuckooed 3 more times…laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and f**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes (5/22)
Hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday but we can never escape the jokes!
First up, the FCC announced today that they would start to allow more s**... during peak kids' TV hours. So look out for PBS's new show starring Big Bird's cousin, Kandi Kanary, in "Sesame Red Light District".
Weird entertainment news, Paris Hilton has signed onto Cash Money Records. It's there she plans to rap under the emcee name, Li'l Self Respect.
More celebrities. Justin Bieber is now threatening to sue fans if they try to break into his home. Bieber also says he has a whole team of lawyers set up if any females try to break into his room despite the "no gurls allowed" sign.
Good news on the Catholic front, Pope Francis proclaimed that every single human has been redeemed. The Pope said, "God even forgave me for that time I got wasted and peed in the baptismal font so, seriously, stop bringing that up."
And more hopeful news, Vice President Biden told crowds today that the US is not in decline - which is expected for someone who hinges the US's status based on how many Slurpee flavors are available at 7-Eleven.
Just a quick set tonight but thanks for reading!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old one my late grandmother used to tell
In a Catholic school English classroom, a nun was giving the lesson.
"Today, children, we'll be talking about rhyme. Does anyone have a rhyme they'd like to share?"
Several little hands shot up. The nun pointed to the smallest girl, Sally, in the front.
"Hey, d**..., d**...,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
"Very good, Sally." said the nun. "Who else?" She called on a little boy, Jack.
"It has my name in it!
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe."
"Wonderful rhyme, Jack!" replied the nun. Now, in the back of the class sat Michael. Michael came from a loud Irish family and was known as a troublemaker. The nun had tried to pick the other students before him, but he was beginning to make a commotion so she sighed and called out "yes, Michael."
"I've got a rhyme for you, Sister" he said.
"Mary came from Boston, Mass. and went into the water up to her knees."
"Michael," began the nun, "that doesn't rhyme."
"Oh, I know Sister. But wait until the tide comes in."
Bubba n' Buford II
One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idy...". Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?" With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Duke!!
A new boyfriend is having dinner at his new girlfriends house. He walks in shakes hands with everybody, and then they sit down and begin eating. A few minutes into the meal, the boyfriend realizes that he really needs to f**..., really badly. He quickly glances around, and notices the family's dog, Duke, is sitting right next to him. He takes advantage of his good fortune, and quickly let's out his f**.... Everyone at the table stops eating, looks up, and says, "Duke!" Relieved, the boyfriend begins eating again.
Several minutes later, the boyfriend realizes that he has to f**... again. Luckily, Duke is still by his side, so he once again quickly let's his f**... go. "Duke!" the family cries once again. The boyfriend is now very pleased with himself that he is blaming Duke for the farts, and not getting blamed himself.
Several minutes pass, and once again, the boyfriend decides that he needs to let one rip. The boyfriend once again releases his f**..., and in reply the family shouts, "Duke, get away from him before he craps on you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...
She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to s**... down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.
A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits down on his stool, rolls up between the girl's legs, sticks his head under her gown and starts poking around. At this point he realizes the girl's legs are shaking tremendously, so he peeks out from under the gown to see the girl's face turning eight shades of red and covered in sweat.
He quickly grabs her chart again to read it completely, then says, "Oh goodness! Is this your first time at a gynecologist's?"
She nods and quietly replies, "Yes."
The doctor then says, "Well, if you think it'll make you feel better, I'd be happy to numb you first."
The girl shrugs her shoulders and says, "Okay."
So the doctor puts his head back down deep between her legs, shakes his head and goes:
"NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For the Australians out there!
Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father.
'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little tony aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Tony, 'He plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.
Prom
The "geeky" kid in the grade asked the "hot" girl to the prom. Much to his and everyone's surprise, she said yes. While there, she knows she can get him to do anything. And so upon seeing the long buffet line, she asked him to go get her a plate of food. He happily agrees, and while he's gone to get the food, she dances with her friends and has a good time. He comes back, and she thanks him, they sit down and eat together. While eating she spills some food on her shawl. She says "oh no, it's going to stain quickly unless it comes out, can you go to the bathroom and wash it for me" he does so a bit perturbed, realizing she's getting the best of him. But he decides not to argue the point, and so waits in the line at the bathroom, goes in and washes her shawl. When he comes back she says, "this food was spicy, my mouth is burning! can you go get me some punch to quench my thirst?" he does so happily because there's no punch line
A duck walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." The duck turns and leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the bar and again asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, slightly flustered at this point, says, "No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes, we have never had grapes, and we will almost definitely never have grapes. The duck turns and leaves.
The following day, the duck once again returns to the bar and once more asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender shouts, "No! We do not have any grapes! And the next time you ask I swear I will nail your beak to this bar!" The duck quickly waddles away in fright.
A day later, the duck cautiously approaches the bar. As the bartender glares, the duck asks, "Got any nails?" With a surprised and confused expression, the bartender replies, "No..." With a pleased expression, the duck responds, "Good. Got any grapes?"
Three legged pig
A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
3 old men...
3 old men are talking in the park. "I had awfull problems with my liver, but I also know a realy good doctor who cured me." says the first one. "I had terible problems with my heart, but a realy good doctor cured me" says the second one. "I had some problems with my memory, but I'm now just like an elephant thanks to my doctor!"says the first one. "Realy?"said the other 2"What's his name?" "Well, ummm..... what's that white plant that starts with an 'M' called?" "What? Do you mean Margaret?" Yes!"says the first one again and quickly pulls out his phone and calls his wife"Hello, Margaret dear? What was the name of the doctor that cured me?"
Russian Yeltsin Joke
Here's one of those great old stale Russian jokes. Quick context; Yeltsin presided over the gutting and corruption of a lot of Russian government companies.
A man drives up to the Kremlin and parks his car outside. As he is getting out a policemen hurriedly flusters over and says "You can't park there! That's right under Yeltsin's window!"
The man looks perplexed for a second but then smiles and calmly replies:
"No need to worry officer, I made sure to lock the car"
I got it from a good book called Oilopoly, about Russia's oil and such things.
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident.
She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, "Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."
The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."
Getting anxious, the woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She's a tennis prodigy, and will likely win the US Open one day!"
The doctor says, "Sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm and will not be able to pick up a racket ever again."
The woman begins to cry.
"Doctor, how long have I been in this coma?"
"About a month," he replies.
"So what's the date?" asks the woman.
"April 1st," the doctor says, grinning.
The woman begins to laugh. "Ha, so you were joking all along, weren't you?"
Chuckling, the doctor says, "Yep! They both died on impact!"
The Tallest Boy
As the Principal made his rounds during the first day of school, he could hear a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He quickly rushed in and spotted one boy, much taller than the others, who appeared to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to remain there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the Principal restored order and lectured the students for quite some time on the importance of good behavior.
"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"
One girl stood up timidly and asked, "Yes, sir. May we please have our teacher back?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Homer wants to be a cop
Homer applied for a job with the L.A.P.D. The Chief told him everything looked good to hire him but first he would need to answer some questions.
1st Question: "What is one and one?" Homer thought about it for a few minutes and then replied "eleven". Chief scratched his head in disbelief and said "Well, that's sure right."
2nd Question: "What two days of the week begin with the letter T." Homer grinned and quickly replied, "Awe, That's easy, today and tomorrow." Chief just looked shocked and said that's right.
3rd Question: "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Homer replied, "Gosh, I don't know."
The Chief told him, "No problem, go home and work on it and come back tomorrow."
That night Homer was at the bar with his buddies when one asked if he got hired at the PD today.
"Heck, yah"... replied Homer, "And I'm already assigned to a m**... case."
:)
Why is six afraid of seven?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
A Canadian, an American, and a Pakistani are wandering through the desert
They're wandering along hoping to find some water or a ride out of the vast desert. As they trot along, the Canadian kicks a metal lamp that was buried in the sand. They pick it up and rub it, then out pops a genie.
The genie says, "since there are three men present I will grant you all one wish."
The Canadian quickly replies, " Good sir, if it's not too much trouble, I wish for Canada to thrive forever and always. May our lands be fertile, our hockey teams excellent, and our people even better." The genie nods his head and it is done.
The Pakistani insists on going next. He says, "Oh powerful djinn, I ask that you would surround the entire Muslim world with a wall so high that no western influence, soliders or bombs could corrupt or change our way of life. I pray that the Muslim people would be free to do as they wished forever and ever." The genie nods his head and it is done.
The American says, "fill his wall with water."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
THE TASTEFUL BLIND MAN
A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange request to his waiter. He asked if he could have the unwashed fork of the last customer the waiter waited on. The perplexed waiter agreed and handed the blind man the unwashed fork. The blind man proceeded to put it in his mouth and said, "Hmmm, the meatloaf and mashed potatoes are good here. I'll have that."
The next day, the blind man returned to the diner and did the same thing. Now, on the third day, the waiter saw the blind man coming into the diner. He still didn't believe what the blind man was capable of, and he wanted to trick him. So he quickly grabbed a fork and asked his waitress wife, Jane, to pull down her p**... and rub it between her legs.
When the blind man asked for the fork, the waiter gave him the fork with a big smile on his face.
The blind man put it in his mouth, and said, "Hmmm, I didn't know Jane worked here."
There are three friends in a boat...
There are three friends in a boat and their names are Nobody, Nothing and Crazy. While the three friends were sailing on their boat, a huge wave strikes the boat and Nobody was taken by the wave and thrown into the ocean. After seeing his good friend in danger of losing his life, Nothing quickly turns to Crazy and says "Hurry up and call the police!". Crazy then proceeds to dial 911 and the dispatcher answers and asks him what the problem is. Crazy yells, "Help, I am calling for Nothing because Nobody fell into the ocean!". Dumbfounded, the dispatcher asks, "Excuse me sir, but are you crazy?". To this Crazy responds, "Yes, how did you know?".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A good, short oldie to end your Monday
A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"
New cowboy in town
There's this cowboy that rides into town on his horse and heads for the saloon. He ties his horse outside, walks in and starts drinking at the bar. Now the townsfolk have a thing for pulling pranks on out of towners so they hide his horse. He finishes drinking, pays his tab, walks out to see that his horse is missing, walking back inside all eyes are on him.
He says, "Now whoever took my horse, best that you return him. I don't want to do what I did in the last town. Trust me it wasn't good. Now i'm going to have one more beer and by the time i'm done with it my horse better be outside where it last was."
Now the townspeople get scared and quickly return the horse. As he's saddling up about to ride away the bartender a little curious goes outside and ask him what happened in the last town.
"I had to walk home." He replies.
Would be a million times better if i had the old western dialog in it but still one of my favorite jokes.
Wrong Number
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."
Sick horse
Once upon a time, a horse got really sick, and the vet said to the farmer that he must put it down if he didn't recover in three days.
The sheep heard everything and ran to the horse and said: Get up , but the horse was very tired. The sheep did the same in the next day with no luck at all. And on the third day, he said: Get up or they'll kill you . And the scared horse got up on his feet really quick.
The farmer said: What a good news. Dinner is at my house tonight, friends. We're having mutton .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dining at the Mall.....
I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.
I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got s**... once and s**... a Peacock. I was just wondering
if you were my daughter"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A women is cheating on her husband we she hears him returning. "Quick hide!"
The man desperately darted around the room looking for somewhere to hide. Before he could find a good hiding space it was too late, the husband was already making his way up the staircase. Losing all hope the man hid in the bathroom. As soon as the husband arrived in the room he told his wife he going to have a shower, before she could stop him he had swung open the bathroom door, exposing the cheater. He was looking all over the room up, and down. "Who are you?!" asked the husband. "Pest Control", replied the man. "Pest control?!" "for what pests?" "Moths", replied the man. "Then why are you n**...?" The n**... man patted himself up and down, starred back and said "the b**...!"
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dad goes to the mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had s**... with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of the strongest whiskey...
He drinks it quickly and then looked in his wallet. He asks for a second shot and drinks it quickly again before looking into his wallet, again. He does this for about 5 times when the bartender said, "hey bud, easy with the shots, by the way, what are you looking at in you wallet, are you short on cash? I can open up a tab for you" The guy goes, "no, no, not at all, I have money, but thanks anyways." The bartender goes, "so why are you looking into your wallet after every drink?" The guy answers, "I was looking at a picture of my wife, I figure I can go home when she starts to look good."
New Lawyer
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."
A blonde was recently hired at our office.
A blonde was recently hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.
Was driving down the street when I saw someone getting jumped by 3 guys. I quickly pulled over and ran towards the scene.
I got there and the 4 of us messed him up good.
Source: 75 year old Mexican father-in-law
A car carrying 3 men broke down in the middle of a desert...
"Let's each take a part and try to make it back to civilization." One of them suggested. They all agreed it was a good idea.
"I'll take the hood," said the first, "This way if I find myself atop a hill, I can slide down quickly, like a sled."
"I'll take the wheels," said the second, "In case I want to bring something with me I can roll it along instead of carrying it."
"I'll take the door." Said the last, "If I get hot I can simply roll down the window."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between s**... and delivery.
In delivery, it is good when you come quickly
A Pirate Ship is attacked by a similar sized ship
Before the impending battle begins, the captain says to his crew mate, "Bring me me red shirt." The crew fought gallantly, and won. After the battle, the crew mate asks his captain, "Sir, why did you ask for thy red shirt?" The captain responds, "so that way, if I was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't realize and continue fighting bravely." The crew mate says, "Wow! That's really a good idea." A few days later, a huge navy ship approaches to defeat the pirates. The ship was armed with hundreds of cannons and thousands of crewmen. Te captain quickly turns to his crew mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alabama Wedding
Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.
"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"
The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.
"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorgeous girl south of dixie," and after every description, the father hollers his approval.
"And best of all... she's a v**...!"
At the last statement, the father's excitement disappears. The son looks confused, and asks him what's the matter. The father shouts back,
"If she ain't good enough for her family, what makes you think she's good enough for ours?"
A man was hired to ring a church bell...
...but he wasn't very good at it. Every time he rung the bell it came back and smacked him in the face. He kept trying to duck under the bell but it kept hitting him.
Eventually, at the end of his shift he rang the bell one last time. Again, the bell hit him in his aching face, but this time he stumbled back and fell off the church tower, landing on the ground below.
An ambulance quickly arrived on the scene, one of the medics looked at the poor man's face. "Hmm...he looks familiar." said the medic. "How can you say that? His face is unrecognisable!" said the other medic. "I'm sure I recognise him! His face definitely rings a bell!"
A blond American woman travels to Australia...
To meet her boyfriend. They go out on a date and he decides to take her out to a restaurant.
They have a good time and are finished eating, so the guy calls for the bill.
The woman suddenly says "Wait -- when did we start a game of chess? And how did you win so quickly?"
A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...
"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"
"Turn to port!" said the boy.
"Correct!" said the pilot.
"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
"Starboard!" said boy grinning from ear to ear.
"Good for you!" said the pilot.
"And straight?" asked the pilot.
The boy quickly replied, "Without ice!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.
The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some f**... reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"
"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is something a good thief and man with a bad s**... life could say
It'll be a quick in and out job
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once there was a mathematician
Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a p**.... She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"
The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A galley ship's commander addresses the slaves.
"I have good news," the commander says. "For all your hard work, you're each going to receive an extra r**... ration!" The galley slaves cheer, but are quickly silenced by the commander. "And now the bad news," he says. "The Captain wants to go water skiing."
Here is an ancient gypsy blessing meant to give good fortune.
You must chant the words about a dozen times, slowly at first and then more and more quickly as you go on.
Eye sow hand lie can itty oat toot hay.
A business is at a hotel in NYC.
Ah the Big Apple! He is excited and goes down to get breakfast at the hotel restaurant before his meeting. He looks over the menu and the waiter comes after an slightly extended wait.
I'll have the short stack of pancakes the business man says with interest.
Very good remarked the waiter.
Oh ... glancing at his watch the business asks will they be long?
The waiter quickly responds No sir , they'll be round ...
Trump has spent about twenty percentage of his days in office playing golf.
(Me, an Asian)
If I spent that much time playing golf, my GPA would go down to a...—————
*takes out calculator*————
*quick math*————
*puts it back*———
98.1. My GPA would go down to a 98.1.
Yeah, schools aren't that good.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was having s**... with this woman...
I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...
