Quick Bar Jokes
102 quick bar jokes and hilarious quick bar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quick bar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Quick Bar Short Jokes
Short quick bar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quick bar humour may include short quick fire jokes also.
- Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!" - A man runs into a bar and shouts, Quick! How tall is a penguin?! The bartender says, Depends. Less than 3 feet.
The man cries out, Oh my God! I just drove over a nun! - A quick joke The bartender said "We do not serve faster-than-light neutrinos at this bar."
A neutrino walks into a bar. - Quick joke A Sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the sandwich and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here".
- Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar.. He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"
- A sponge walks into a bar and does not order anything Are you not going to order anything? Asks the bartender
The sponge quickly replied
I'm too holy - A horse walks into a bar... People begin to quickly, but calmly leave the bar as they realize the potential danger of the situation.
- Two crows are sitting at the bar having a craft beer. One crow drinks his down quickly and rudly takes his buddy's beer. The other crow snatches it back and exclaims, "My crow brew!"
- Kevin Spacey walks into a bar. Then quickly leaves because he's drunk and there are no 14 year olds.
- A duck walked into a bar... And was quickly escorted out as no animals were allowed in the bar.
Share These Quick Bar Jokes With Friends
Quick Bar One Liners
Which quick bar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quick bar? I can suggest the ones about crowbar and progress bar.
- A guy walked into a bar. He was brought to the closest hospital quickly.
The Funniest Quick Bar Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about quick bar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean monkey bars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quick bar pranks.
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me five shots of your best scotch!" The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink!" says the bartender. "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies, "50 cents."
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
Telepathic Watch
A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Your date running late?'
'No, no...', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I
was just testing it.'
The woman, intrigued, asks: 'Wow! A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's special about it?'
'Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'Interesting...so what's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any p**......'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing p**...!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast!'
So two condoms walk into a bar..
.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One c**... turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get s**... tonight!"
An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking
To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.
Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.
The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.
The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.
A cowboy rode into a dusty old town...
...and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar and with a quick move of his hands, he flipped his guns into the air, caught them above his head without even looking and fired at the ceiling. Which one of you cow'rdly sidewinders stole my hoss!?" he yelled. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna haf'ta do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! As he swung up into the saddle and started to ride out of town, the bartender ran out of the saloon and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I walked home."
So an oxygen molecule walks into a bar... [biochem joke]
and goes up to the bar and orders a drink. As the bartender hands the Oxygen it's drink he notices the small molecule petrified with fear. He notices this and quickly realizes hemoglobin sitting alone in a corner booth with an obvious attraction to oxygen. The bartender looks and says to Oxygen "Don't worry, he's totally heme-less".
So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...
So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in here first, and you just went in front of me!" (-1)^1/2 just says, "Hey, man, I'm just following the rules here!"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "No, no, no, you idiot, it's *i* before *e* **except** after c!
A physicist walks into a bar
and he orders a beer and turns to the stool next to him and offers it a beer. He finishes his drink and then leaves. The next day he returns to the bar, orders a beer, and offers a beer to the stool next to him before finishing his drink and leaving. This continues on for a week before the bartender finally asks, " Why in the world do you keep offering that stool a beer?" The physicist replies " The laws of physics dictate that there is a slight possibility that at some point the matter above this stool could reform into a beautiful woman, who would then accept the drink." The bartender is puzzled for a second before replying " The bar is full of beautiful women. Why not see if they will accept your drink?" The physicist quickly laughs before saying " Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"
A guy walks into a bar...
He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a bottle of your top shelf scotch". So the bartender gives him a glass and a bottle, and the man quickly downs the scotch.
The Bartender says "That's a $300 bottle of scotch and you drank it in a minute! I've never seen anyone drink a bottle of scotch so fast" and the guy says "Well buddy, if you had what I have, you'd drink top shelf scotch awfully fast too". So the bartender says "What do you have?"
The man looks up into the bartender's eyes and says:
"About 3 bucks"
A man barges into a bar
and yells for the bartender to pour seven shots of whiskey and hurry. The bartender, taken aback, does what he is told. The man starts to quickly down the shots, one after the other, without stopping until all the glasses are empty. The bartender asks, "Why on earth are you drinking this much, this fast?" The man looks him in the eye and tells him, "If you had what I have, you'd drink like this too." The bartender nervously asks what the man has. "Fifty cents" the man replies.
A guy walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender for eight shots of whiskey, doesn't matter what kind. Bartender asks "What's the special occasion?" The guy says "I'm celebrating my first b**......" The guy takes three shots quickly. The bartender says "congratulations! Have one on me, but why so many shots?" The guy says "To get the taste out of my mouth."
A large, powerfully-built guy...
....meets a woman at a bar.
After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite! She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite! She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, Why are you in such a hurry to go?
She replies, With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!
Too soon.
I was sitting at the bar babying my drink and I turn to notice a beautiful woman sitting alone in the corner. She seems solemn and desperate. I can't help but feel like there is something I can do to help so I approach her table. Walking toward her I notice a tear rolling down her face.
Are you alright? I ask.
No, I have recently lost someone very close to me, she replies burying her face in her hands as the tears stream from her eyes.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, would you like me to leave?
Actually I could use some company, but could we go somewhere more private? Nothing about this seems right but before I stop to gather my thoughts the words were already out.
My place is not far from here, I said with nervous excitement. Opening my front door she is all over me, we fall onto the couch kissing and groping. My hand slides to her inner thigh, she pushes me away with a look of disgust.
Is something wrong? I blurt feeling foolish and confused.
This just doesn't feel right, it's too soon, she said looking down with mauled eyes. Without thinking I ask,
Are you a lesbian? she glares wide eyed as her vulnerable demeanor quickly turns to rage, she slides a knife from her boot and replies
No, I'm a necrophile.
21st birthday
A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.
On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his t**... - and p**...! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.
His friends are stunned. "Quick, get him another one!" So one of them helps him drink another beer - and p**...! Two arms pop out of the torso.
Amazed, they order another beer, which the boy (now having arms) proudly drinks all by himself. p**...! Two legs pop out of the torso. All his friends cheer as the guy gets up to take a few steps. But he's unsteady on his new legs - not helped by three beers in rapid succession - and after a few steps he stumbles through the front door and into the street, and gets flattened by a bus.
"Bummer," says one of the guys in the bar. "He should have quit while he was ahead."
Strings
Three pieces of strings are standing outside a bar with the intention of having a drink. The first one walks in and the bartender asks, "are you a piece of string?". He answers, "yes". The bartender yells, "get outta my bar". The second goes in and the same thing happens. The third then says to the other two, "quick tie me into a frayed knot". They do so and he walks into the bar and the bartender asks, "are you a piece of string?". He says ,"No. I'm a frayed knot"
Bar Bet
A man walks into a bar that he has never been to before. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat. The bartender asks "What are you having". The man is about to respond when he sees a large pickle jar FILLED with cash. The man asks "What's that" the bartender responds "We have a challenge here, if you can complete the three part challenge the money is yours" The man thinks about it for a while and says "What's the challenge" the bartender says "Well first you have to drink a bottle of Jack" the man says "No problem" the bartender continues "Next there is a Rottweiler outside who has a rotten tooth and you have to pull it out" The man starts to get nervous but assures himself he can do it. "Finally" says the bartender "There is a 98 year old woman upstairs who has never been laid and you have to do her" the man shivers but says "Let's do it". The bartender hands him an un-opened bottle of Jack and the man quickly c**... it down. The man continues outside wobbling to the door and for the next several minutes all anyone can hear outside is barking followed by growling and finishing with the whining. The man stumbles back inside, with his shirt torn and bite marks all over his body says "Now whhheere is the oold lady with a sore tooth?"
A duck walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." The duck turns and leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the bar and again asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, slightly flustered at this point, says, "No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes, we have never had grapes, and we will almost definitely never have grapes. The duck turns and leaves.
The following day, the duck once again returns to the bar and once more asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender shouts, "No! We do not have any grapes! And the next time you ask I swear I will nail your beak to this bar!" The duck quickly waddles away in fright.
A day later, the duck cautiously approaches the bar. As the bartender glares, the duck asks, "Got any nails?" With a surprised and confused expression, the bartender replies, "No..." With a pleased expression, the duck responds, "Good. Got any grapes?"
An alcoholic, a chain-s**... and a homosexual walk into a bar...
...and each sit at a bar stool. After a couple of drinks a psychic approaches them and tells each one of them how they were going to die.
He said to the alcoholic: "If you drink one more time, you are going to die."
He says to the chain-s**... "If you smoke one more time, you are going to die."
Finally he says to the homosexual "If you get turned on by a man one more time, you are going to die."
The psychic left right after leaving the 3 men baffled and confused.
"I call bull-s**...! There's no way that's even possible!" exclaimed the alcoholic just as he took one big drink of his beer. He quickly collapsed and died right there on the bar floor. Both the homosexual and the chain-s**... were horrified as they realized that the psychic was right about his predictions. After taking their friend to the hospital they both leave and start walking to their car. Just then, the chain s**... spotted a full carton of cigarettes right outside of his car.
"Dude no way! Today's my lucky day!"
Just as the chain-s**... was about about to pick up the carton, the homosexual shouted:
"STOP! If you bend over to pick them up, we're both going to die."
My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)
A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to talk? Would you let me drink for free?" The bartender quickly rebuts. "A talking dog? Sure, why not" So the man looks to his dog and asks Ol' Scruffy; "Scruffy! Tell this barkeep what keeps this bar dry during rainy days" "Ruff!" the dog says. The bartender, now frustrated, says "Ok Pal, Where's my $3.50?" The man waves him off and explains that Scruffy is merely jesting and orders another shot, which the bartender pours and watches the shot disappear. "Ok Scruffy, who is the greatest baseball player that has ever played the game?" "Ruff!" The dog replies with a wagging tail. The bartender now gets fed up with the man and his "talking" dog and throws them to the street. The man gets up, wipes his face and looks to Scruffy. Scruffy looks up and says "Well, I guess I should have said Joe DiMaggio"
Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."
Homer wants to be a cop
Homer applied for a job with the L.A.P.D. The Chief told him everything looked good to hire him but first he would need to answer some questions.
1st Question: "What is one and one?" Homer thought about it for a few minutes and then replied "eleven". Chief scratched his head in disbelief and said "Well, that's sure right."
2nd Question: "What two days of the week begin with the letter T." Homer grinned and quickly replied, "Awe, That's easy, today and tomorrow." Chief just looked shocked and said that's right.
3rd Question: "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Homer replied, "Gosh, I don't know."
The Chief told him, "No problem, go home and work on it and come back tomorrow."
That night Homer was at the bar with his buddies when one asked if he got hired at the PD today.
"Heck, yah"... replied Homer, "And I'm already assigned to a m**... case."
:)
A man walks into a bar...
and sits down.
There is nobody else in the place except him and the bartender. He orders a drink and the bartender goes off to make it.
While he is sitting there he hears a voice say " Nice shoes". The man looks around and finds nobody around. He shakes his head and continues to wait for his drink.
Right away another voice says " Great shirt". Now the man gets up and gives a quick look around the bar. Still nobody around.
As soon as he sits back down he hears another voice say "Love your hair"
Now the guy is freaked out. The bartender comes back and places his drink down. The guy says " I have been hearing these voices. They were saying things like " Nice shoes, Great shirt and love your hair". I think I am losing my mind!
The bartender gives a quick chuckle as he points to a full pale on the bar. He says " Its the peanuts! They are complimentary"
A few fresh snails
Tom's wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment's before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down some fresh snails for the party.
On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he'd stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn't gotten his wife those snails.
Quickly he hurried down, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.
Tom, looked towards the snails and said C'mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we're there!
A toenail walks into a bar... [OC]
The toenail orders 3 double whiskeys, drinks them quickly and soon after starts singing loudly. As you can guess toenails are terrible singers, so the bartender gets annoyed and orders the bouncer to throw the drunk, singing toenail out and then, with his hands on his head, the bartender yells "That was just atonal!"
A man goes into a bar...
and says to the barman "will you give me a free drink if i show you something amazing?"
to which the barman says "sure"
so the man opens the door and in walks a guy who is only 13 inches high, who sits down at a piano and plays all of Mozart's work from memory.
The barman is curious and says "how did that happen?" and the man tells him
"there's a genie round the corner, who's giving away one free wish to everyone he meets."
So the barman goes round the corner and says to the genie "I wish for ten million bucks!", and all of a sudden it starts raining ducks from the sky. the barman quickly gets indoors to escape the wave of ducks and says to the customer "that genie you told me about is really deaf."
and the man says "tell me about it. He though I asked for a 13 inch pianist"
New cowboy in town
There's this cowboy that rides into town on his horse and heads for the saloon. He ties his horse outside, walks in and starts drinking at the bar. Now the townsfolk have a thing for pulling pranks on out of towners so they hide his horse. He finishes drinking, pays his tab, walks out to see that his horse is missing, walking back inside all eyes are on him.
He says, "Now whoever took my horse, best that you return him. I don't want to do what I did in the last town. Trust me it wasn't good. Now i'm going to have one more beer and by the time i'm done with it my horse better be outside where it last was."
Now the townspeople get scared and quickly return the horse. As he's saddling up about to ride away the bartender a little curious goes outside and ask him what happened in the last town.
"I had to walk home." He replies.
Would be a million times better if i had the old western dialog in it but still one of my favorite jokes.
Raymond and Polly
A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite! Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!
Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, Why are you in such a hurry to go?
Polly then replies, With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!
Two older men where sitting at a bar.
Two older men where sitting at a bar when they over heard a few younger men talking.
One younger man said "you look exhausted"
The other man replied "I know all my girlfriend wants to do is have s**.... Before breakfast, after breakfast, middle of the day, night, she even makes me up most nights to have s**..."
One older gentleman scooted closer and said "Just marry her, that will put a stop to it real quick"
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"
A man walks into bar...
He runs to the bartender and says "Quick! Get me a double brandy before the trouble starts!"
The bartender pours him his drink and the man downs it and says "Quick! Double brandy, before the trouble starts!"
The bartender is confused, but pours him another drink.
The man downs it and says again "Quick! Double brandy, before the trouble starts!"
The bartender asks "Hang on a minute, what's this trouble?"
The man replies "I don't have any money."
A doctor has a regular routine...
Of visiting his local pub precisely at 5 o'clock daily. Every day the bartender prepares for his arrival by having his hazelnut daiquiri made and waiting for him. One day, the bartender goes to prepare the drink when he discovers he is all out of hazelnut. He quickly decides to use hickory hoping the doctor would not notice. The doctor comes in at 5 o'clock and taking a seat, draws a sip from the drink waiting for him. He immediately spits it out exclaiming, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No." replies the bar keep. "It's a Hickory Daiquiri Doc."
A pony walks into a bar...
A pony walks into a bar, and is stared at by the bartender and patrons. He makes his way up to the bar, and in a raspy voice asks the bartender for a glass of water. He quickly downs the glass, clears his t**..., and says, "you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little hoarse"
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
The woman and her chili.
A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of the chili, he sees a dead rat at the bottom. This causes him to v**... back into the bowl.
In response, the woman said: "Yep, that's about as far as I got too."
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...
They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.
The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."
Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get Narnia united."
There's a pause so they all look at Cecil. He raises his eyes from his drink and quietly says, "Oh yeah? You have no idea what I went through just to get a cavity filled."
An accordion player walks into a bar,
orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.
Poor Tommy
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "my dads a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my mummy sits crying, sometimes he sells his body for other mens pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom, the teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go outside and play.
She then walked up to Tommy, put her arm around him, and asked "is that all true Tommy?
"No not at all miss. He really plays rugby for England, but i was too embarrassed to say"
Count Dracula walks into a bar...
and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used t**... from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.
It's 2 am. A teenage girl climbs up a brick wall and slowly shimmies through her open bedroom window
"Click!" Suddenly, light quickly engulfs the room. The girl discovers her mother siting on her bed with her right hand on the lamp string and a large angry grin of disapproval on her face.
Mother - "What happened to your 12 am curfew?! Where were you??!"
Daughter - "Sigh... I'm sorry mom! Yes I meant to call... I was at Shirley's house and lost track of time! Geez!"
Mother - "That lie you just told is gonna cost you your phone for a month! Your father called me half an hour ago, he's out drinking at his favorite bar with his work friend where he said he saw you with some boy! What were you thinking?! you're underage!"
Daughter - "UGH! Mom Chill! Yes I lied ok? That boy was just my friend Daniel! You know THAT Daniel??? It was his Birthday so me and Shirley got fake I.D's and took him to a Gay Bar to mingle! What's the big deal?!..."
A man brings his talking dog into the bar...
The bartender quickly tells him that no dogs are allowed.
The man says, "But sir, this is a talking dog. If i can prove that he can talk, will you let him stay?"
The bartender reluctantly agrees.
The man looks at his dog and says, "what's on top of your dog house?"
The dog says, "Roof!"
The bartender crosses his arms, annoyed.
The man says, "What does sandpaper feel like?"
The dog says, "Rough!"
The bartender is annoyed, but gives him one more shot.
The man says "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog barks, "Ruth!"
The bartender is furious at the man for trying to trick him and kicks them both out.
The man gets really angry and kicks his dog.
The dog looks up at him and says "what, do you think Sammy Sosa was better?"
So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas
He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."
Three shelves of stuffed animals
A man and a woman meet at a singles' bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-size ones on the middle shelf, and small ones on the bottom shelf. He doesn't have time to pay attention to them, of course.
After they have s**..., the man says to the woman, "So, how was it?"
The woman thinks for a while and responds, "Eh, take one from the bottom shelf."
New Lawyer
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."
A guy walking I to a bar and says to the barman "quick, get me a shot before it starts"...
The bartender gives him a shot which he knocks back and says "quick quick another one before it starts".
The bartender gives him another shot which he knocks back and says "another... before it starts"
The bartender says "wait a minute, how do you intend to pay for these drinks"?
"Ah" the man says, throwing his arms up in frustration... "it's started"
A man walks into a bar
He quickly orders 5 bottles of beer. He immediately starts to drink the beer immediately, as fast as he can. In 2 minutes, he had already finished 3 bottles of beer. The bartender looks over and says, "Why are you in such a hurry?"
The man says, "You would be doing the same if you knew what I have."
The bartender replies, "What do you have?"
The man replies: "25 cents"
A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"
The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.
In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."
The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."
Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"
Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-
"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
h**... - $10"
The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes, yes I am" she said
The man quickly points to the kitchen and says "Go wash your hands I want a cheeseburger"
A Driver gets Pulled Over
A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."
A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama.
Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.
Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"
She smiles and says, "Yale."
He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.
The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"
Two blondes are at a bar celebrating
as soon as the drinks arrive, they give a quick toast, exclaiming **21** then turn up their glasses. The bartender thought this was odd, considering they both looked to be close to 30. Time passes, another round ordered, and other celebratory cheers stating **21**. The bartender again ignored them and moved on. On the third occasion with the same celebration, the bartender decided to ask what the big occasion was. Was it 21 years as friends? 21 some sort of big number for work? 21 months married? What. One blonde was all too happy to explain that it was none of those. She went on to say "we just finished one of those puzzles that said 7-10 years and it only took us 21 days."
A man rushes into a bar...
... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.
"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better of the bartender.
"Why are you downing them so fast? What's your hurry?" asked the bartender.
"If you knew what I had, you'd be in a hurry too!"
"What do you have?" the bartender asked.
The man drank down his last s**... and said, "No money."
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
A panda walks into a bar.
He sits down at a table and orders a sandwich. When the waiter brings him his check he pulls out a gun, shoots him and starts walking towards the door.
The bartender shouts over to him "hey, what'd you do that for?"
The panda says "I'm a panda buddy, look it up!"
The bartender quickly looks up the definition and sees:
Panda- Bear from Central and Western China forests with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink...
The bartender looks at him and says" See that woman over there, she will give you a b**... and sing the National Anthem at the same time".
"No way" the guy says.
"Oh yeah, and she only charges $20".
So he walks over and hands her a $20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light.
As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn't believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible.
Just after he finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.
Dave and John walk in a market
Dave stole three Snickers bars and put them in his pocket. He said "I have such quick hands, no one ever caught me. I bet you can't do same". At the cashier desk, John says to the cashier " you wanna see some magic" he says "yeah" . John says bring me 3 Snickers bars. He brought them, John ate them. The cashier says "where is the magic in this?" John says "put your hand in this dude's pocket and take them out"
A man runs into a crowded bar and yells Run! Bad Bob is coming!
Everyone in the bar dropped their drink, screamed and ran for the doors. Soon there was nothing in the bar but fluttering napkins and a speechless bartender.
Boom! The bartender looked up. BOOM! Right outside the door. c**...! The door splintered. In walked a man, dressed all in black. Guns slung at the ready. Hat tipped low over steely eyes.
Sitting at the end of bar, he orders a whiskey. The bartender shakily serves it to him. The man quickly tosses it back.
Another...? asks the timid bartender.
The man looks up sharply - are you kidding? Bad Bob is coming !
A Russian runs into a bar
Quick! Quick he yells at the bartender. A v**... before it starts!
The bartender quickly pours him a shot of v**... which the Russian drinks in one gulp.
Another! Fast before it starts...
The bartender gives him another one which the Russian drinks immediately.
Hurry hurry another one before it starts...
The bartender asks "how are you going to pay for these?"
The Russian throws up his hands and says "ahhhh now it starts!"
A man walks into a bar. "Quick, bartender, give me a shot of whiskey before it starts."
The bartender pours a shot of whiskey and gives it to the man. The man swallows it in a single gulp, and says "quick, give me another before it starts". The bartender pours another shot, quite perplexed. After the man finished the second drink, he again asked for another. The bartender looks at him and says "when will you be paying for these?"
The man sighs and says "it started"
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."
The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."
The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.
The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his s**... attempt has failed.
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."
A blonde hooks up with a guy at a bar having met earlier on Tinder.
Straight away, she starts flirting with him, subtly at first, but it quickly escalates.
"I don't usually get much response to my profile, why'd you pick me?" asks the guy.
"Well, in all honesty, I mostly use Tinder for s**...", claims the blonde, "You're cute and I like what you wrote in your profile about being a unique".
"Um... I'm a e**..."
A man at the bar was telling his friends about a girl tied to the train tracks...
She screamed for help. The man waited a bit, then he quickly untied her. He then told his friends about the hot s**... both of them right after he untied her. He was describing all the positions they did it in. Then one of his friends asked:
- Did she give you head
To that he man replied:
No, I couldn't find it .
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
A man runs into a bar...
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."
An art student and a time traveller walk into a bar.
The art student takes a seat, looking pretty down.
The time traveller asks "Whats wrong?"
"I just got kicked out of art school" He repiles "Say, hows the art scene in the future?"
The time traveller shrugs and says "Eh. Its pretty terrible all things considered."
The art student quickly responds "Well. Hows the political scene?"
"Oh, its great."
The art student stands up, dusting himself off. "Well. I've minored in politics. I'm gonna go get myself somewhere d**...! OR MY NAME ISNT ADOLF h**...!" He yells as he leaves.
A couple was having a party at their house.
An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."
Guy runs into a bar
Guy runs into a bar around noon on a sunny day. He barrels his way towards the bar where no one but the bartender is around and says quick, give me ten shots of your best whiskey! Without skipping a beat, the bartender sets him with all ten shots lined up on the bar, and the guy hits them one after the other until he has all ten down his t**.... The bartender looks on astonished, and says man, why did you pound those away so fast? Guy says you'd drink that quickly too if you had what I've got! Bartender of course asks what does he have. Guy says five bucks...
A lawyer, garbage collector, and hair stylist sit down at a bar
The lawyer orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it right away. The garbage collector orders some tequila and downs it immidiatly. The hair stylist says "I don't do shots" and then quickly dies of polio.
Guy walks into a bar and says I need 6 shots of Jack quick!...quicker... Hurry d**...!!!
Come on man, you'd be drinking quick too, if you had what I have!!!
So the bartender offers up the shots 'If you don't mind me asking... What is that you have?'
Man looks him in the eye, whiskey dripping off his chin and says... 40 cents.
A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots at once
The bartender brings out the shots and the man downs each one quickly.
The bartender is a little concerned by this and decides to say something
Bartender: "Hey Buddy, why don't you pace yourself a little? That can't be healthy."
Man: "You would be drinking like this to if you had what I have."
Bartender: " Oh I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pried. Although if you don't mind me asking, what do you have?"
Man: "75 cents."
.
