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Queen Jokes

176 queen jokes and hilarious queen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about queen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for some funny queen jokes? We've got you covered with a list of our favorite jokes about everyone's favorite monarch.

Funniest Queen Short Jokes

Short queen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The queen humour may include short king jokes also.

  1. If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
  2. In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
  3. Queen Elizabeth II may have made it to 96 before she died... But Princess Diana made it to 120
  4. King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the king can only move one space at a time.
  5. The Queen always said her corgis were like children to her. So it makes sense that they've been given to Prince Andrew.
  6. King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records: The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
  7. Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"? She probably gets royalties
  8. Why can't the Uk and the USA play chess anymore? Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers
  9. What do you call a circle of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins!
    (Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)
  10. Fidel Castro is dead Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.

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Queen One Liners

Which queen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with queen? I can suggest the ones about lords and princess.

  1. What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...
  2. Chess is banned under Islam They hate that the queen moves freely.
  3. Britain just checkmated the world... With Queen to G7.
  4. What do you call a gay milkman? A dairy queen.
  5. Why is chess so difficult for British people? Cause they just lost the queen.
  6. What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen? Killed in a tunnel
  7. Why are chess players good in bed? They can find up to 8 G spots for their queen.
  8. Britain checkmated the world this week with.. Queen to G7
  9. The Queen just phoned to say I have won a knighthood! It was a complete Sir prize
  10. Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death? She was the queen of denial
  11. Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper
  12. What do you call a cow in high heels and tiara? Dairy Queen
  13. Why doesn't Putin visit the Queen? He can't handle UK rain.
  14. I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs. Now I want to break three.
  15. Why is chess banned in islam? Cause the queen moves freely

Elizabeth Queen Jokes

Here is a list of funny elizabeth queen jokes and even better elizabeth queen puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In the UK most people complain about the bad weather... In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.
  • What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip? You die in a car accident in Paris.
  • What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip? killed in a french tunnel.
  • Following the death of Queen Elizabeth, prince andrew has been given the role of looking after the corgis. At least they will be well groomed.
  • Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth. Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.
  • If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened Noble gases should have no reaction
  • How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker? She goes to the bathroom.
  • what's the difference between queen Elizabeth and Paul walker Paul walker made it to 100 before he died.
  • Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102, but Diana got up to 120 when she died.
  • Queen Elizabeth may have died at 102 years old but Princess Diana got to 120 when she died.

Dairy Queen Jokes

Here is a list of funny dairy queen jokes and even better dairy queen puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split. The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."
  • my pregnant wife was feeling sensitive about her enlarged breast due to lactation, so I gave her a cute nickname to cheer her up. Apparently Dairy Queen wasn't the right choice.
  • What do you call a gay cow? Dairy Queen
  • Why didn't the burger king get the dairy queen pregnant? Because the whopper always comes in a wrapper!
  • Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion. You're a blizzard Dairy.
  • Who's Burger King married to? Dairy Queen.
  • How did Dairy Queen wind up pregnant? Burger King didn't wrap his Whopper
  • I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen. I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed
  • Why does the Dairy Queen have small fries? Because the Burger King forgets to wrap his Whopper!
  • The lobby of my local Dairy Queen was closed due to short staff. They should've hired taller employees
    (Joke brought to you by my 9yo sister)
Queen joke, The lobby of my local Dairy Queen was closed due to short staff.

Queen England Jokes

Here is a list of funny queen england jokes and even better queen england puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years
  • What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England? "Could you pass the salt?"
  • The most inappropriate thing to say to the queen of England, I lick your stamps all the time.
  • what's the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee? One's an Aristocrat
    The other's a Barista-Cat
  • What's the difference between a deck of cards and England? A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
  • Who is the only homosexual Russian to be knighted by the queen of England? Sergei
  • What does the Queen of England drink? Royal tea.
  • What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off? London's Britches Falling Down
  • The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret. She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.
  • What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John? Only one of them got to be Queen of England...

Queen Of England Jokes

Here is a list of funny queen of england jokes and even better queen of england puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The Queen of England doesn't know much about American football... But she does wish someone would do something about those troublesome Patriots.
  • The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died. Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
  • It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump. It's a Royal straight flush.
  • What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood? 50 Shades of Earl Grey
  • Q: Why is England the wettest country?
    A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
  • Q: Why is England the wettest country?
    A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
  • What vapes do the King and Queen of England use? Crown Juuls
  • Q: Why is England the wettest country?
    A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
  • One day the queen wanted a haircut. No barber in England would do it.
    Why?
    Only God shave the Queen.
  • What would you call it when the Queen of England decides to invade the U.S? Threat from abroad.

Drag Queen Jokes

Here is a list of funny drag queen jokes and even better drag queen puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If horse racing is the "sport of kings" is drag racing the sport of queens?
  • Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition? He is an expert at hiding nuts.
  • Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house's front door? Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.
  • Did you hear about the scottish drag queen? He wore pants.
  • Say what you will about drag queens... but they get into more woman's pants than I do.
  • I had a date with a six foot, eight inch drag queen I found on Craigslist. Boy was I disappointed when I discovered he was 6'8
  • My grandmother made a great living driving funny cars in the 1960's. She was a drag queen.
  • Tony Stark's drag queen name. Fe Male.
  • Why does Indiana Jones hate drag queens? They're booby traps
  • Why don't drag queens drown? (OC) Because they're flamboyant.
Queen joke, Why don't drag queens drown? (OC)

Laughable Queen Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about queen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean female jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make queen pranks.

Why did the Queen join the Navy after making herself breakfast in bed?

Because she was impressed by Her Service.

Getting married next week

I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."
"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."
"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.
"Whose skull is that?"
"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

I once went to an open air Queen concert.

It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...

Men Will Be Men

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "

I was walking down the street one day when I heard someone playing Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia on the didgeridoo.

That's Abba-rigonal

Did you hear some people are saying listening to Queen causes autism?

Apparently it's because of the unusually high Mercury content.

How would you tell if the Queen was s**...?

Her Highness will tell you

So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...

... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.

Why did Elton John have to go to hospital after the Queen concert?

They found traces of Mercury in him.

A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

The Rock and Roll Hierarchy has fallen

The King has left the building, Queen has bit the dust, and now the doves cry for their Prince.

How do Australian bees please the queen bee?

They bee hive

The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.

Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...

Someone called out "The Queen!"
"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."

If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it?

Restaurants can't have s**... you m**....

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a d**... bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king"

"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.

At the Bee Prom...

A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line

A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."
"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair between your legs?" "In truth, young knight, I have not." "I believe it," he replied, "for it's known to all that when too many walk a road, the grass stops growing."

The queen of England f**... and quickly looked for someone else to blame.

"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

Reasons are:
1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Charles?

Killed in an automobile accident.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, s**... and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

I just got caught breaking two of my dad's favorite queen records

Now I want to break three

A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.

- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.

The queen asked the visiting Indian Prime Minister, "I hear Indian politicians are notoriously corupt and wealthy"

"Quite so," he said, "but none so brazen as to wear their loot on their head".

Did you hear o**...-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together?

It's called clean-ya-teefah!

Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.
Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?
The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris

Boris Johnson coronavirus joke

For those sending around vile jokes about the Prime Minister in ICU... please remember the words of The Queen last night:
I hope in the years to come everyone will be able to take pride in how they responded to this challenge. Show some class.

Chess joke


How come the english never lose at chess?
Because >!the queen never dies!<

Why are americans bad at chess?
Because >!they lost two towers!<

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."

in the UK when you turn 100 you get a letter from the queen

and when you're 13 you get a text from prince Andrew

What is a welfare queen?

You live in government housing, five kids by three baby mamas, and the IRS after you

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:
Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses f**....
Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, the Queen apologizes to Indira Gandhi, "I'm sorry," she said.
Indira Gandhi replied, "Oh that's okay. But I thought it was the horse!"

What did 007 say about the Queens legs

God Shave the Queen

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her n**... in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

Why don't brittish people lose in chess?

Because their queen doesn't die.

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.
After several very angry calls from the royal family's lawyers, I found out that I had to pay Her Royalty her royalties for Her Royal Tee's^TM

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France

Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen.

He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.
After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:
"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?
Their queen never dies.

What happens when the Queen farts?

Nothing.
As noble gases do not react.

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous f**....

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"
"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry! apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"

Apology

(an old Yiddish joke)
The court jester argued with the king about whether an apology could be worse than the crime.
Later that day the king was going up the stairs when he felt a hand on his behind. He turned around to see the jester.
"I'm sorry your Highness, I apologize. I thought you were the Queen.

Queen joke, Apology

jokes about queen