Queen Jokes
173 queen jokes and hilarious queen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about queen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some funny queen jokes? We've got you covered with a list of our favorite jokes about everyone's favorite monarch.
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Funniest Queen Short Jokes
Short queen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The queen humour may include short king jokes also.
- If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
- In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
- Queen Elizabeth II may have made it to 96 before she died... But Princess Diana made it to 120
- King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the king can only move one space at a time.
- The Queen always said her corgis were like children to her. So it makes sense that they've been given to Prince Andrew.
- King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records: The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
- Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"? She probably gets royalties
- Why can't the Uk and the USA play chess anymore? Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers
- What do you call a circle of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins!
(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!) - Fidel Castro is dead Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.
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Queen One Liners
Which queen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with queen? I can suggest the ones about princess and female.
- What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...
- Britain just checkmated the world... With Queen to G7.
- What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen? Killed in a tunnel
- The Queen just phoned to say I have won a knighthood! It was a complete Sir prize
- Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death? She was the queen of denial
- Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper
- What do you call a cow in high heels and tiara? Dairy Queen
- Why is chess banned in islam? Cause the queen moves freely
- A king and queen walk into a bar. The bartender tells them "sorry, but you're under 21."
- If horse racing is the "sport of kings" is drag racing the sport of queens?
- What do you call a gay cow? Dairy Queen
- I saw a busker playing Dancing Queen on the didgeridoo I thought that's Abba-riginal.
- Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years
- Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition? He is an expert at hiding nuts.
- Why does a queen carry a scepter? Because everyone works 'cept her
Elizabeth Queen Jokes
Here is a list of funny elizabeth queen jokes and even better elizabeth queen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In the UK most people complain about the bad weather... In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.
- What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip? You die in a car accident in Paris.
- Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth. Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.
- How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker? She goes to the bathroom.
- what's the difference between queen Elizabeth and Paul walker Paul walker made it to 100 before he died.
- I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II ...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.
- What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony? Kneel, Patrick Stewart.
- I just read a post about Queen Elizabeth II, and something struck me as odd... After spending 65 years on the throne, I suppose she's the most constipated ruler ever.
- I went to go see some drag queens tonight. In the end, they couldn't get Elizabeth off the floor, but it was sure fun to watch them try.
- Why did Queen Elizabeth I suffocate to death? Because she had no heir.
Dairy Queen Jokes
Here is a list of funny dairy queen jokes and even better dairy queen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split. The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."
- my pregnant wife was feeling sensitive about her enlarged breast due to lactation, so I gave her a cute nickname to cheer her up. Apparently Dairy Queen wasn't the right choice.
- Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion. You're a blizzard Dairy.
- Who's Burger King married to? Dairy Queen.
- I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen. I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed
- Why does the Dairy Queen have small fries? Because the Burger King forgets to wrap his Whopper!
- The lobby of my local Dairy Queen was closed due to short staff. They should've hired taller employees
(Joke brought to you by my 9yo sister) - What do you call a milkman wearing high heeled shoes...? A Dairy Queen.
- Prepare to chuckle. Or groan What did the queen say when a fellow threw some cheese at her?
How dairy! - Why is Dairy Queen always in a bad mood? Because she's married to Mister Softee.
Queen Of England Jokes
Here is a list of funny queen of england jokes and even better queen of england puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England? "Could you pass the salt?"
- The most inappropriate thing to say to the queen of England, I lick your stamps all the time.
- what's the difference between the queen of England and a cat that makes coffee? One's an Aristocrat
The other's a Barista-Cat - What's the difference between a deck of cards and England? A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
- Who is the only homosexual Russian to be knighted by the queen of England? Sergei
- What does the Queen of England drink? Royal tea.
- What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off? London's Britches Falling Down
- The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret. She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.
- What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John? Only one of them got to be Queen of England...
- The inventor of the Oxford Comma has died. Tributes have been lead by JK Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
Queen England Jokes
Here is a list of funny queen england jokes and even better queen england puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump. It's a Royal straight flush.
- What book does the Queen of England read to get herself into a raunchy mood? 50 Shades of Earl Grey
- Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. - What vapes do the King and Queen of England use? Crown Juuls
- One day the queen wanted a haircut. No barber in England would do it.
Why?
Only God shave the Queen. - What would you call it when the Queen of England decides to invade the U.S? Threat from abroad.
- Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. - The Queen of England is searching for Robin Hood She looks over a wall and shouts "Nottingham here!"
Drag Queen Jokes
Here is a list of funny drag queen jokes and even better drag queen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house's front door? Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.
- Did you hear about the scottish drag queen? He wore pants.
- I had a date with a six foot, eight inch drag queen I found on Craigslist. Boy was I disappointed when I discovered he was 6'8
- My grandmother made a great living driving funny cars in the 1960's. She was a drag queen.
- Tony Stark's drag queen name. Fe Male.
- What did the baby cigarette want to be when it grew up? a Drag Queen
- What do you call a grandma drag queen from Massachusetts? A Nantucket.
- What do you call a drag queen with breast implants? A booby trap
- What is the difference between a drag queen and Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Drag queens know how to put on makeup.
- Why should you hire a drag queen to help clean your garage? They know how to tuck away junk.
Laughable Queen Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about queen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean her majesty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make queen pranks.
Why did the Queen join the Navy after making herself breakfast in bed?
Because she was impressed by Her Service.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting married next week
I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."
"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."
"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.
"Whose skull is that?"
"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you heard about the m**... drag queen?
She is Polly Glamorous
I once went to an open air Queen concert.
It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...
Men Will Be Men
Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "
Did you hear some people are saying listening to Queen causes autism?
Apparently it's because of the unusually high mercury content.
Chess makes us to realize our life!!!
Chess says everything
about husband and wife.
The King has to take things one step at a time,
while the Queen can do whatever she wants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How would you tell if the Queen was s**...?
Her Highness will tell you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?
Darth Vader.
The Rock and Roll Hierarchy has fallen
The King has left the building, Queen has bit the dust, and now the doves cry for their Prince.
How do Australian bees please the queen bee?
They bee hive
The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.
Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.
Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...
Someone called out "The Queen!"
"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."
I was playing chess with my Australian friend
He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it?
Restaurants can't have s**... you m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a d**... bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.
I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king"
"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.
At the Bee Prom...
A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line
A queen asked a beardless knight...
A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."
"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair between your legs?" "In truth, young knight, I have not." "I believe it," he replied, "for it's known to all that when too many walk a road, the grass stops growing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The queen of England f**... and quickly looked for someone else to blame.
"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.
Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game
Reasons are:
1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, s**... and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
An American, a Brit, and a Canadian are in a plane ...
The pilot informs them that the plane is going down, there's no more parachutes, and they're going to have to jump anyway. The American yells for god and country! , and jumps out. The Brit yells for the Queen! , and jumps out. The Canadian yells for fun! , and jumps out.
I just got caught breaking two of my dad's favorite queen records
Now I want to break three
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear o**...-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together?
It's called clean-ya-teefah!
Sometime in the Middle Ages
Queen: come to bed
King: not until i have a name for my soldiers
Queen: k night
King: babe ur a genius
(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)
Trump meets the Queen
So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.
Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....
The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.
The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?
The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.
Boris Johnson coronavirus joke
For those sending around vile jokes about the Prime Minister in ICU... please remember the words of The Queen last night:
I hope in the years to come everyone will be able to take pride in how they responded to this challenge. Show some class.
Why do you die if you listen to too much Queen
It has a very high mercury content.
Chess joke
How come the english never lose at chess?
Because >!the queen never dies!<
Why are americans bad at chess?
Because >!they lost two towers!<
One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....
And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
What is a welfare queen?
You live in government housing, five kids by three baby mamas, and the IRS after you
Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.
Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi
My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:
Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses f**....
Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, the Queen apologizes to Indira Gandhi, "I'm sorry," she said.
Indira Gandhi replied, "Oh that's okay. But I thought it was the horse!"
What did 007 say about the Queens legs
God Shave the Queen
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her n**... in her sleep to kill the baby.
The next day the Minister died of poisoning.
Why don't brittish people lose in chess?
Because their queen doesn't die.
The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt
One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.
After several very angry calls from the royal family's lawyers, I found out that I had to pay Her Royalty her royalties for Her Royal Tee's^TM
Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen.
He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.
After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:
"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.
He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
A british person plays chess with an american,
The british person always wins. Why?
Their queen never dies.
a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar
it was queen and they were playing their first gig
Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?
Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.
You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Rockin World go round.'
Why are fire trucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russians are red, and fire trucks are always russhing around
The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry! apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"
The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...
So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the queen has been on the throne for 70 years.
That's some serious s**....
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
Apology
(an old Yiddish joke)
The court jester argued with the king about whether an apology could be worse than the crime.
Later that day the king was going up the stairs when he felt a hand on his behind. He turned around to see the jester.
"I'm sorry your Highness, I apologize. I thought you were the Queen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't Putin visit the Queen?
He can't handle UK rain.
A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was
Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.
The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen
Minister said, "Your highness"
