Queen Jokes

Following is our collection of highness puns and royal one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Queen jokes for adults, dirty yas jokes and clean throne dad gags for kids.

The Best Queen Puns

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...

... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely apeshit. So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.


Boris Johnson coronavirus joke

For those sending around vile jokes about the Prime Minister in ICU... please remember the words of The Queen last night:

I hope in the years to come everyone will be able to take pride in how they responded to this challenge. Show some class.

Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?

She probably gets royalties

What do you call a gay milkman?

A dairy queen.

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!


(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.

Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it's a local call."


Fidel Castro is dead

Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.

What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen?

Killed in a tunnel

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.


St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

I just got caught breaking two of my dad's favorite queen records

Now I want to break three

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

Reasons are:

1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

The queen asked the visiting Indian Prime Minister, "I hear Indian politicians are notoriously corupt and wealthy"

"Quite so," he said, "but none so brazen as to wear their loot on their head".

The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.


A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."

"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."

"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.

"Whose skull is that?"

"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king"

"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.

Did you hear some people are saying listening to Queen causes autism?

Apparently it's because of the unusually high Mercury content.

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

Men Will Be Men

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "

Did you hear Oral-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together?

It's called clean-ya-teefah!

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?

The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.

I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs.

Now I want to break three.

Why is chess banned in islam?

Cause the queen moves freely

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"

So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip?

killed in a french tunnel.

What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Charles?

Killed in an automobile accident.

I was walking down the street one day when I heard someone playing Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia on the didgeridoo.

That's Abba-rigonal

What is a welfare queen?

You live in government housing, five kids by three baby mamas, and the IRS after you

At the Bee Prom...

A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream machine, the honey line, but after hours of searching he realizes...
There is no punch line

Why is England the wettest country?

Because the queen has reigned there for years

Getting married next week

I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.

in the UK when you turn 100 you get a letter from the queen

and when you're 13 you get a text from prince Andrew

Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?

He is an expert at hiding nuts.

Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...

Someone called out "The Queen!"

"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."

A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.

- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.

Why didn't the burger king get the dairy queen pregnant?

Because the whopper always comes in a wrapper!

How do Australian bees please the queen bee?

They bee hive

The queen of England farted and quickly looked for someone else to blame.

"Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"

How would you tell if the Queen was stoned?

Her Highness will tell you

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:

Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.

Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, the Queen apologizes to Indira Gandhi, "I'm sorry," she said.

Indira Gandhi replied, "Oh that's okay. But I thought it was the horse!"

Did you hear about the scottish drag queen?

He wore pants.

Why did Elton John have to go to hospital after the Queen concert?

They found traces of Mercury in him.

A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."

"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair between your legs?" "In truth, young knight, I have not." "I believe it," he replied, "for it's known to all that when too many walk a road, the grass stops growing."

Chess joke



How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<



Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

I once went to an open air Queen concert.

It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set

Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...

If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it?

Restaurants can't have sex you moron.

For your consideration: A historical, circular triple entendre

Why did the Queen join the Navy after making herself breakfast in bed?

Because she was impressed by Her Service.

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris

The Rock and Roll Hierarchy has fallen

The King has left the building, Queen has bit the dust, and now the doves cry for their Prince.

Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.

Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....

There was a...

...Englishman, a Frenchman, an Indian, a Mexican, and a Texan in the Airborne. The Englishman yells, Long live the Queen! and jumps out. The Frenchman yells, Viva la France! and jumps out. The Indian yells, Geronimo! and jumps out. The Texan then yells, Remember the Alamo! and pushes the Mexican out.

Ig the Knight

Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!


To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.

Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."

Why do you die if you listen to too much Queen

It has a very high mercury content.

Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed

King: not until i have a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: babe ur a genius



(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)

An American, a Brit, and a Canadian are in a plane ...

The pilot informs them that the plane is going down, there's no more parachutes, and they're going to have to jump anyway. The American yells for god and country! , and jumps out. The Brit yells for the Queen! , and jumps out. The Canadian yells for fun! , and jumps out.

How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker?

She goes to the bathroom.

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

I had a date with a six foot, eight inch drag queen I found on Craigslist.

Boy was I disappointed when I discovered he was 6'8

Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102,

but Diana got up to 120 when she died.

How did Dairy Queen wind up pregnant?

Burger King didn't wrap his Whopper

Have you heard about the Mormon drag queen?

She is Polly Glamorous

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.

Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

How does a queen get around her kingdom?

She gets throne.

Chess makes us to realize our life!!!

Chess says everything
about husband and wife.
The King has to take things one step at a time,
while the Queen can do whatever she wants.

When you turn 100 you get a letter from the Queen

when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew.

What did the dancing queen use to solve her math problems?

An ABBA-cus.

I broke two of my dad's Queen records

Now I want to break three

Why are Brits good at chess?

Because the queen never dies

An English kid and Russian kid were examining a beehive together.

English kid: See that one? We call that the Queen because it is the leader of the hive, just like the Queen is the leader of our country.

Russian kid: We call it the czar.

English kid: Well that's a little bee czar.

I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen.

I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed

Tony Stark's drag queen name.

Fe Male.

An English tourist in a Cairo marketplace was offered a large skull by a street trader

"This is the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra for only One hundred English pound." said the trader.

The tourist says, "No thank you, it's far too expensive."

Then the trader produces a small skull and says, "How about this one?"

The tourist asks, "Whose skull is that?"

The trader replies, "Tis the skull of Great Queen Cleopatra when she was a little girl!"

You know, I heard listening to Queen has been scientifically proven to give people autism.

Apparently because of the unusually high Mercury content.

Did you hear about the steak that was knighted by the queen?

Sir Loin.

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.

"Arrr, an Aye for an eye it is, then."

What do you call a milkman wearing high heeled shoes...?

A Dairy Queen.

Why does Queen Latifah hate dyslexics?

She doesn't like being called Queef Latinah

The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. I am terribly sorry, apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, Oh don't worry, if you hadn't said anything, I'd just think it was the horse!

Did Queen release a Hip-Hop album in the 70s?

Becauase I keep hearing of a Bohemian Rap-CD

My wife said I should be treating her like a queen...

I said, only if I can be King Henry the VIII.

I once saw a man playing dancing queen on the didgeridoo.

I thought to myself: "That's abbarigional."
(From today's issue of the times)

The Queen and Prince Charles

The Queen and Prince Charles are enjoying a cup of tea when there's suddenly a knock on the door. The Queen goes to open it and it's the Death standing on the other side.
So the Queen shouts loudly: "Hey Charles, it's for you."

There is an abundance of nobles jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 90 funniest jokes and queen puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any regal witze you can hear about queen.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes