queen Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious queen puns

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

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Chess is banned under Islam

They hate that the queen moves freely.

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So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...

... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely apeshit. So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.

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Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?

She probably gets royalties

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If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend that nothing happened.

Noble Gases shouldn't have a reaction.

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What do you call a gay milkman?

A dairy queen.

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What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!


(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

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Fidel Castro is dead

Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.

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What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen?

Killed in a tunnel

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.


St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

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A mean English teacher asks his students to write a composition.

The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy, and mystery. You have 30 minutes.

After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:

"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"

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I just got caught breaking two of my dad's favorite queen records

Now I want to break three

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Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

Reasons are:

1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

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Why aren't porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you're enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT'S acting.

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What do you call a Russian homo who's been knighted by the Queen?

Sergei

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I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

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Creative Writing

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.

The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

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The queen asked the visiting Indian Prime Minister, "I hear Indian politicians are notoriously corupt and wealthy"

"Quite so," he said, "but none so brazen as to wear their loot on their head".

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The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.

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A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"

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Saudi Arabia is banning chess, calling it Haram. Reasons are :

1. Queen doesn't wear burkha.
2. Queen roams freely wherever it wants .
3. Queen is more powerful than King
4. Queen alone goes to other army's side
5. And.... Most importantly there's only one queen..

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An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."

"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."

"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.

"Whose skull is that?"

"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"

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Girls With Big Tits.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.

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A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

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Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?

The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper

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I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king"

"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.

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An Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

As they are awaiting their fate they are approached by the cannibal chief.

"First we are going to kill you," the chief explained. "Then we will eat you. Then we will use your skin to make a canoe. But we are kind, so we will let you choose how you will die."

The Englishman said "I will die by the sword!" They gave him a sword and he screams "God save the Queen!" then he stabs himself in the gut.

The Frenchman says "I will die by the gun!" They give him a gun and he shouts "Vive la France!" And then shoots himself.

The American asked for a fork. The cannibals all start laughing, but figure this will be a good show so they give the American the fork.

As soon as he gets the fork in his hands the American starts stabbing himself all over, and screams: "Make a canoe out of this, you sons of bitches!"

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Did you hear some people are saying listening to Queen causes autism?

Apparently it's because of the unusually high Mercury content.

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Men Will Be Men

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
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.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are riding a plane...

…when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.

The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.

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What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?

Darth Vader.

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[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..

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One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;Β 

I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

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The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident;Β 

I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

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The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuanaΒ 

and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.Β 

All I had left to work with was the man'sΒ  blonde hair and the Horse's ass.Β 

I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

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Did you hear Oral-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together?

It's called clean-ya-teefah!

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What are the most funny Queen jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Queen? Well, here are the best Queen dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Queen pick up lines to share with friends.

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