The Best 86 Quarter Jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

A blonde...

...is at a soda machine outside a gas station. A man walks up to her because he sees she has her arms full of soda cans. She put in another quarter, and yet another soda pops out. Another quarter, another can. He finally asked her, "Why do you keep putting money into the machine? I think you have enough." She replied, "I can't help it. I keep winning!"

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

Let's change things up a bit.

I thought I found a quarter inside one of my shoes. That would have been strange enough on its own, but it turned out to be a nickel, which made even less cents.

Not sure my son understands Football

I took my six year old son to his first football game over the weekend. On our way out I asked him what he thought of the game.

"It was exciting," my son said. "But I don't understand why they fighting so much over twenty-five cents."

"What do you mean?" I asked my son a little confused myself.

"Well," he started to say, "everyone kept yelling 'get the quarter back!'"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, etc. The bartender pours two beers and says, "Hey, you guys ought to know your limits."

Racial jokes (if you're offended by these, then just deal with it)

- Why did the Jews wonder in the desert for 40 years? Because somebody dropped a quarter.

- What do you call a black guy with a new bike? A thief.

- Why doesn't Mexico have an oplymics team? Because America already has all of their good runners, swimmers,and climbers.

The US post office announced today that they'll be releasing a new stamp commemorating prostitution.

It's a ten cent stamp, but if you wanna lick it, it's a quarter.

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

What is the objective of jewish football?

To get the quarter back.

Here's a nice Jewish joke my Dad told me

A Jewish kid asks his father for 20$. The father responds, "10$, what on earth do you need 5$ for, I'd be happy with 1$, here's a quarter."

Two old people...

Two old people sitting on a park bench. First guy says "hey I just got this new hearing aid. It's great! It's super comfortable, you can't even see it when I'm wearing it and it only cost me $160!"
"Wow, what kind is it?" Asks the other.
"About a quarter to one."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." 

The bartender pulls out just two beers. 

The mathematicians ask, "That's all you're giving us?" 

The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."

What do you call a street full of cheap hookers and a McDonald's?

Quarter Pound Town.

Put on my shoe and thought there was a quarter in it which was weird.

So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."

My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter

It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.

Wishing Well

English is second language.... excuse grammar

My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

First asks for a beer, second asks for half a beer, third asks for a quarter of a beer...

Barmen says "Got it, no need to continue" and proceeds to ring up two beers.

Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.

At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.

Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..

I should be ashamed.

I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work...

...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.

How do you know when the Moon is going broke?

When it's down to it's last quarter.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician orders half a beer. The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth mathematician orders an eighth of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the rather annoyed bartender slams two beers down on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits!"

An infitite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar...

The first asks for a pint of beer. The second, half a pint, the third an quarter and so on. The barman pours 2 pints of beer and says "know your limits".

What do you say to an art student with a job?

"Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese"

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.

But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

If I had a quarter for every time a homeless person asked me for change

I still wouldn't give him any

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all stuck on an island.

The redhead tries to swim home and makes a quarter of the way there, then drowns. The brunette gets a third of the way there, then drowns. The blonde gets halfway there, then gets tired, turns around and swims back.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician...
I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

First one says give me half a pint. Second one says a quarter, third says an eighth. The bartender puts down one pint and says, you people need to know your limits.

I just won $1,000,000, and I've decided to give a quarter to charity.

Now I have $999,999.75.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician asks for a beer.
The second asks for a half a beer.
The third asks for a quarter of a beer and so on with the consecutive mathematicians having half the amount of beer as the mathematician before him.

The bartender says: "I'll just pour you 2 beers, you gotta know your limits!"

When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes.

Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour.

A married couple came upon a wishing well

The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a quarter. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,

But to me it's a lot.

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m...

..and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!

Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

How do you start a rave in Israel?

You stick a quarter to the ceiling

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder w/cheese.

What do you call a midget pornstar?

A quarter pounder.

The mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a pint of beer. The second mathematician orders a half. The third, a quarter pint. There is an infinite line up of Mathematicians.

The bartender fills up two pints and slides it over to the Mathematicians.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...

The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

If I had a quarter for every existing gender,

I'd have $0.50 and a bunch of counterfeits

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar?

He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

If I had $20 million, I would donate a quarter of it to charity....

I'm not sure what I would do with the remaining 19,999,999.75

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

One quarter." answered little Johnny.

You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife

"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!

The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one asks for a pint. The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter pint. and so on.
The bartender stops them and pours 2 pints and says "Know your limits"

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer.
At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, Figure it out yourselves.

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

I won $3 million in the lottery last night, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave,

Why do I always have to pay you to be good?Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

I won $3 Million and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75

I found a hammer behind McDonalds that I use to smash coins with

I nicknamed it Big Mac but it's really more of a Quarter Pounder.

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That was wee Jimmy, I know where he lives, he would never have made it home in time."

inflation

There's the story of an old lady selling pretzels for 25 cents on a corner in New York. Every day a young man passes her at lunchtime and drops a quarter in the cup but doesn't take a pretzel. She never says a word. He does this for three years, until one day he drops the quarter in her cup and she finally speaks. They're 35 cents now.

A Handful of Short Math Jokes

1. How do mathematician's scold their children?

* If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times …

2. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 A.M. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

3. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I just won a million dollars and I donated a quarter to charity!

I now have $999999.75 left.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, "sort it out yourselves."

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

School Nurse: "Sir, your son swallowed 2 dimes and a quarter at recess today. He seems to be okay."

Dad: "Thanks. Call me if there's any change."

A mathematician arrives home from work at 2:00. His wife says, "Why are you so late? You said you'd be home by 7:45!"

The mathematician responds, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of 8."

There are 4 quarters in the Superbowl

And that's why they brought out 50 Cent at halftime.

You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Russia?

A wish.

My son chewed on an old quarter he found and asked me if he could exchange it for a new one..

I had to say no because I don't trade bitcoins

What do you call a person that has a penny, a dime, and a quarter?

Nickel-less

I used to be able to go to the store with only a quarter and come back with a carton of milk, but now I have to pay five whole dollars.

Some people blame inflation, but personally, I blame the security cameras.

I won $10,000,000 in the lottery and donated a quarter to charity

Now I have $9,999,999.75!