Quarter Jokes
141 quarter jokes and hilarious quarter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quarter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh away quarter life woes with hilarious jokes about quarter life crises, quarter horses, quarter ends, quarter pounders, and more! Get ready to add some humor to your next quarter life milestone or fiscal challenge with these light-hearted quarter jokes!
Funniest Quarter Short Jokes
Short quarter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quarter humour may include short quad jokes also.
- If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. ...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
- If I won $1.28B, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. Not sure what I'd do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.
- A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician...
I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12. - I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
- I won $1M in the lottery I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
- I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.
- I won $10,000,000 in the lottery and donated a quarter to charity Now I have $9,999,999.75!
- There are 4 quarters in the Superbowl And that's why they brought out 50 Cent at halftime.
- I won $3,000,000 from a lottery and donated one quarter of it to charity Now I have $2,999,999.75
- I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar. It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.
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Quarter One Liners
Which quarter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quarter? I can suggest the ones about half and hour.
- Why did 50 cent play at half time? Because it's after 2 quarters.
- What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back.
- What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters? A Nickle-less Cage
- What do you call a midget pornstar? A quarter pounder.
- What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder w/cheese.
- What's the Objective of Jewish Football? To get the quarter back.
- How do you start a rave in Israel? You stick a quarter to the ceiling
- How do you know when the Moon is going broke? When it's down to it's last quarter.
- Aldi's low prices aren't only on food. They have shopping carts for just a quarter!
- If I had a quarter for every existing gender, I'd have $0.50 and a bunch of counterfeits
- Put on my shoe and thought there was a quarter in it which was weird.
- How is your mom just like a laundromat? For a dollar in quarters she will take my load.
- You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Russia? A wish.
- 50 cent is only a quarter of what he used to be.
- What's my rating from 1 to 10 for Harry Potter? Nine and three quarters.
Quarter Pounder Jokes
Here is a list of funny quarter pounder jokes and even better quarter pounder puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you say to an art student with a job? "Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese"
- I found a hammer behind McDonalds that I use to smash coins with I nicknamed it Big Mac but it's really more of a Quarter Pounder.
- What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France? "The American Weight Loss Plan."
- What's an anorexic with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.
- What do you call a super model with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese
- Q: How Do You Tell 2 Scottsmen Apart? A: You lift their kilts, and whichever one has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!!
- How can you tell the clan of a Scotsman? Look under his kilt, if it's a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald.
- What do you call a Ethiopian with a pickle on his head? A quarter pounder.
- How do you know a Scottish man is a MacDonald? You stick your hand up their kilt and you feel a quarter pounder
hes a MacDonald - What is McDonald's demolition service called? Quarter pounder.
Quarter End Jokes
Here is a list of funny quarter end jokes and even better quarter end puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracey takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? A slap.
Mcdonald Quarter Jokes
Here is a list of funny mcdonald quarter jokes and even better mcdonald quarter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ... what a kind jester!
- What did Roxanne order at McDonald's? A quarter pounder.
- Does your mom work at McDonald's? Cuz i quarter-pounded her last night
- A vegan walks into a McDonald's. He orders a quarter pounder.
- What do you call a street full of cheap h**... and a McDonald's? Quarter p**....
- There's a cheap p**... in town who works the corner by McDonald's Quarter? Pound her.
Share Hilarious Quarter Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about quarter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean semester jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quarter pranks.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
A blonde...
...is at a soda machine outside a gas station. A man walks up to her because he sees she has her arms full of soda cans. She put in another quarter, and yet another soda pops out. Another quarter, another can. He finally asked her, "Why do you keep putting money into the machine? I think you have enough." She replied, "I can't help it. I keep winning!"
A blonde walks into a library..
she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."
Let's change things up a bit.
I thought I found a quarter inside one of my shoes. That would have been strange enough on its own, but it turned out to be a nickel, which made even less cents.
Not sure my son understands Football
I took my six year old son to his first football game over the weekend. On our way out I asked him what he thought of the game.
"It was exciting," my son said. "But I don't understand why they fighting so much over twenty-five cents."
"What do you mean?" I asked my son a little confused myself.
"Well," he started to say, "everyone kept yelling 'get the quarter back!'"
Why are programmers so good at poetry?
Well, all words rhyme in binary.
A recently divorced couple were in court
battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:
"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, etc. The bartender pours two beers and says, "Hey, you guys ought to know your limits."
Racial jokes (if you're offended by these, then just deal with it)
- Why did the Jews wonder in the desert for 40 years? Because somebody dropped a quarter.
- What do you call a black guy with a new bike? A thief.
- Why doesn't Mexico have an oplymics team? Because America already has all of their good runners, swimmers,and climbers.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
Ethiopian jokes I've heard from over the years.
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese
What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth?
A rake
What do you call 10 Ethiopians carrying a canoe over their heads?
A comb
What do you call an Ethiopian with a club foot?
A gulf club.
What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?
Two of my favorites are:
1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham
Here's a nice Jewish joke my Dad told me
A Jewish kid asks his father for 20$. The father responds, "10$, what on earth do you need 5$ for, I'd be happy with 1$, here's a quarter."
Two old people...
Two old people sitting on a park bench. First guy says "hey I just got this new hearing aid. It's great! It's super comfortable, you can't even see it when I'm wearing it and it only cost me $160!"
"Wow, what kind is it?" Asks the other.
"About a quarter to one."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."
The bartender pulls out just two beers.
The mathematicians ask, "That's all you're giving us?"
The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."
So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."
My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter
It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.
Wishing Well
English is second language.... excuse grammar
My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
First asks for a beer, second asks for half a beer, third asks for a quarter of a beer...
Barmen says "Got it, no need to continue" and proceeds to ring up two beers.
Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.
At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.
Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..
I should be ashamed.
I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work...
...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.
New hearing aide
A friend of mine got new a hearing aid and he was ecstatic over how much better he could hear.
"It's like night and day", he said. "I can't believe all the sounds I was missing"
I asked, "What kind is it?"
He answered "about a quarter to four"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician orders half a beer. The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth mathematician orders an eighth of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the rather annoyed bartender slams two beers down on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits!"
An infitite number of mathmeticians walk into a bar...
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second, half a pint, the third an quarter and so on. The barman pours 2 pints of beer and says "know your limits".
When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.
But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.
If I had a quarter for every time a homeless person asked me for change
I still wouldn't give him any
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all stuck on an island.
The redhead tries to swim home and makes a quarter of the way there, then drowns. The brunette gets a third of the way there, then drowns. The blonde gets halfway there, then gets tired, turns around and swims back.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
First one says give me half a pint. Second one says a quarter, third says an eighth. The bartender puts down one pint and says, you people need to know your limits.
I just won $1,000,000, and I've decided to give a quarter to charity.
Now I have $999,999.75.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician asks for a beer.
The second asks for a half a beer.
The third asks for a quarter of a beer and so on with the consecutive mathematicians having half the amount of beer as the mathematician before him.
The bartender says: "I'll just pour you 2 beers, you gotta know your limits!"
When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes.
Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour.
A married couple came upon a wishing well
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a quarter. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island
The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.
A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,
But to me it's a lot.
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m...
..and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!
Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
The mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first mathematician orders a pint of beer. The second mathematician orders a half. The third, a quarter pint. There is an infinite line up of Mathematicians.
The bartender fills up two pints and slides it over to the Mathematicians.
An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...
were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.
Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a quarter.
A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"
"someone else's pants"
Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper
**Diplomacy**
Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."
Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."
Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"
Youngster: "I offered the besieged threepence and he gave in."
Source: The Narracoote Herald, Friday 13, February 1920
Why should you never loan lebron james a dollar?
He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.
The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.
If I had $20 million, I would donate a quarter of it to charity....
I'm not sure what I would do with the remaining 19,999,999.75
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
One quarter." answered little Johnny.
You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"
A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM
A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife
"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!
The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one asks for a pint. The second asks for half a pint. The third asks for a quarter pint. and so on.
The bartender stops them and pours 2 pints and says "Know your limits"
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer.
At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, Figure it out yourselves.
in for a penny, in for a pound
A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!
A mathematician comes home, drunk, to his wife.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., his wife is furious.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45! she yelled.
"No," slurs the mathematician... I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
I won $3 million in the lottery last night, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....
Now I have $2,999,999.75.
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave,
Why do I always have to pay you to be good?Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke.
Now there are cameras everywhere.
I won $3 Million and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75
If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.
Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.
Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.
p**... and m**..., have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.
The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and m**... takes his gun and shoots a man.
"What are you doing m**..." said p**..., "It's only a quarter to eight!"
"That was wee Jimmy, I know where he lives, he would never have made it home in time."