Quarter Jokes
135 quarter jokes and hilarious quarter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quarter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh away quarter life woes with hilarious jokes about quarter life crises, quarter horses, quarter ends, quarter pounders, and more! Get ready to add some humor to your next quarter life milestone or fiscal challenge with these light-hearted quarter jokes!
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Funniest Quarter Short Jokes
Short quarter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quarter humour may include short quad jokes also.
- If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. ...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
- I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
- I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.
- There are 4 quarters in the Superbowl And that's why they brought out 50 Cent at halftime.
- I won $3,000,000 from a lottery and donated one quarter of it to charity Now I have $2,999,999.75
- What's the difference between a dollar bill and the Atlanta Falcons? A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.
- Bartender asks a returning guest... You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"
- I only had a few dollars until someone dropped off a bag of quarters at my front door I'm not sure how I feel about this sudden change
- Let's change things up a bit. I thought I found a quarter inside one of my shoes. That would have been strange enough on its own, but it turned out to be a nickel, which made even less cents.
- What do you say to an art student with a job? "Uhh, I would like the Quarter Pounder with Cheese"
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Quarter One Liners
Which quarter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with quarter? I can suggest the ones about half and semester.
- Why did 50 cent play at half time? Because it's after 2 quarters.
- What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back.
- What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters? A Nickle-less Cage
- How do you start a rave in Israel? You stick a quarter to the ceiling
- How do you know when the Moon is going broke? When it's down to it's last quarter.
- Aldi's low prices aren't only on food. They have shopping carts for just a quarter!
- Put on my shoe and thought there was a quarter in it which was weird.
- How is your mom just like a laundromat? For a dollar in quarters she will take my load.
- You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Russia? A wish.
- 50 cent is only a quarter of what he used to be.
- I hate when people say It's a quarter till 9 Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…
- What do you call a person that has a penny, a dime, and a quarter? Nickel-less
- What's an anorexic with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.
- Quarters and nickels fall from the sky... Me: what is this?
Climate: change. - Bought a receiver for 99.75 $ yesterday Got a quarter back
Quarter Pounder Jokes
Here is a list of funny quarter pounder jokes and even better quarter pounder puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I found a hammer behind McDonalds that I use to smash coins with I nicknamed it Big Mac but it's really more of a Quarter Pounder.
- What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France? "The American Weight Loss Plan."
- What do you call a super model with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese
- Q: How Do You Tell 2 Scottsmen Apart? A: You lift their kilts, and whichever one has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!!
- What do you call a Ethiopian with a pickle on his head? A quarter pounder.
- What is McDonald's demolition service called? Quarter pounder.
- Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny. - What do you call 25 Mike Pence clones in a room with Donald Trump? ... Quarter pounder with cheese.
(Think British currency here) - What did Roxanne order at McDonald's? A quarter pounder.
- What is Meghan Trainor's favorite instrument? A double quarter pounder with cheese.
Quarter End Jokes
Here is a list of funny quarter end jokes and even better quarter end puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracey takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? A slap.
Mcdonald Quarter Jokes
Here is a list of funny mcdonald quarter jokes and even better mcdonald quarter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ... what a kind jester!
- A vegan walks into a McDonald's. He orders a quarter pounder.
Share Hilarious Quarter Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about quarter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean square jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quarter pranks.
I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said only if you make up the time
I said okay. It's quarter past a million
A blonde...
...is at a soda machine outside a gas station. A man walks up to her because he sees she has her arms full of soda cans. She put in another quarter, and yet another soda pops out. Another quarter, another can. He finally asked her, "Why do you keep putting money into the machine? I think you have enough." She replied, "I can't help it. I keep winning!"
Why did Moses lead the Jews around the desert for 40 years?
Because someone dropped a quarter.
Not sure my son understands Football
I took my six year old son to his first football game over the weekend. On our way out I asked him what he thought of the game.
"It was exciting," my son said. "But I don't understand why they fighting so much over twenty-five cents."
"What do you mean?" I asked my son a little confused myself.
"Well," he started to say, "everyone kept yelling 'get the quarter back!'"
What did the Jew say at the Football game?
Get the quarter back!
A recently divorced couple were in court
battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:
"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, etc. The bartender pours two beers and says, "Hey, you guys ought to know your limits."
Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?
Two of my favorites are:
1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham
Why don't the blondes like football?
A blonde went to the Super Bowl and someone asked her afterwards how she liked it. She said she enjoyed many aspects of the experience, but she didn't understand why all the players were fighting so hard over 25 cents. She was asked what she meant. She said, "Well, before the game, they flipped a quarter and one team started out with it. For the rest of the game, they kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back.' Hellooooo?! It's only 25 cents, people."
Two old people...
Two old people sitting on a park bench. First guy says "hey I just got this new hearing aid. It's great! It's super comfortable, you can't even see it when I'm wearing it and it only cost me $160!"
"Wow, what kind is it?" Asks the other.
"About a quarter to one."
What's the difference between a male and female chocolate Easter bunny?
About a quarter inch of chocolate
The score at the end of the 3rd quarter last night was 56-0.
Atlanta felt so bad about what they were doing to the Bucs that they walked off the field at the start of the 4th.
4 plays later Tampa Bay finally scored.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a street full of cheap h**... and a McDonald's?
Quarter p**....
An immigrant man was walking on the road
when he looked down, and was amazed by the shininess of a quarter he just found. He asked the guy next to him what the beautiful piece of metal was.
"Well sir, it's just common cents."
My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter
It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.
Got kicked out of class today
My theology professor asked why the Jews wandered the desert for 40 years.
Apparently because they heard someone dropped a quarter is not the correct answer
Change is hard.
I mean, have you ever tried to bend a quarter?
Multiple choice test
A teacher has administered a multiple choice test to his students. During the exam he notices one student is flipping a quarter and then filling in his answer key. This continues throughout the exam. Nearing the end of the exam, the techer notices the student picking up pace. He is flipping his quarter faster and faster and frantically erasing and scribbling on his test. The teacher approaches the student and asks "what are you doing?"
"Just double checking my answers"
Wishing Well
English is second language.... excuse grammar
My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny
Math Joke #2
A group of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint, the next asks for half a pint, then the next a quarter of a pint and the next an eight of a pint.
Eventually the barmen hands over 2 pints and says, "You mathematicians do not know your limits."
Cr
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
First asks for a beer, second asks for half a beer, third asks for a quarter of a beer...
Barmen says "Got it, no need to continue" and proceeds to ring up two beers.
Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.
At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.
Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..
I should be ashamed.
I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work...
...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.
New hearing aide
A friend of mine got new a hearing aid and he was ecstatic over how much better he could hear.
"It's like night and day", he said. "I can't believe all the sounds I was missing"
I asked, "What kind is it?"
He answered "about a quarter to four"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 40+ years?
Because Moses lost a quarter.
When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.
But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.
If I had a quarter for every time a homeless person asked me for change
I still wouldn't give him any
So I was checking out at the store the other day.....
....and the cashier told me my total was $12.47. So I gave her a ten and two ones. She said it wasn't enough so I dug around and gave her a quarter. Still not right she says, so I just grab everything in my pocket and put it on the counter hoping she could help.
As a white man in America, I don't understand change.
I won 300 million dollars in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
They sent me a letter saying "thank you for your 25 cent donation".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years?
Someone lost a quarter.
When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes.
Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour.
I don't get football....
At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who kicks off first. Then the rest of the game everybody just keeps trying to "get the quarter back". I mean, it's just a quarter, what's the big deal!?!
What does Hillary and the falcons have in common?
They both blew it in the last quarter.
A married couple came upon a wishing well
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a quarter. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
The French Quarter in New Orleans seems to have gotten cleaner in the last decade
Almost as if it had been washed up or something
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island
The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.
Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.
Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.
A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,
But to me it's a lot.
Why do women love playing Pac-Man?
They can get eaten three times for a quarter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder w/cheese.
Why did the blonde return the bag of M&M's to the store?
Because a quarter of them were W's, and a quarter E's, and a quarter 3's...
What's the goal of a Jewish football game?
To get the quarter back.
My grandfather always used to say he could go to the candy store and get 10 pounds of candy with a quarter
He can't anymore though, too many cameras.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a midget pornstar?
A quarter pounder.
I don't understand why people are so mad about football players taking a knee
Its a solid strategy for running out the clock in the 4th quarter.
Little Johnny was sitting on the porch with his sister
He said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"
His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Little Johnny just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.
An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...
were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a quarter.
A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"
"someone else's pants"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a quarter for every existing gender,
I'd have $0.50 and a bunch of counterfeits
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper
**Diplomacy**
Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."
Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."
Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"
Youngster: "I offered the besieged threepence and he gave in."
Source: The Narracoote Herald, Friday 13, February 1920
Why should you never loan lebron james a dollar?
He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.
I walked into a public restroom
and saw a guy staring into a filthy toilet with a quarter at the bottom. He stood there looking conflicted for a minute, then pulled a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and threw it into the toilet. Then he reached into the muck and pulled out the twenty dollar bill and the quarter.
I asked him, "Why on earth would you throw twenty dollars into a filthy toilet?"
He replied, "Well, there's no way I was going to stick my hand in there for a lousy quarter!"
Did you hear about the NFL player who came back from injury only 25% healed?
I think he was a quarter back
So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.
It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.
A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It stops on a dime."
I had a birthday cake and decided to share it with my friend.
I decided to cut one quarter of the cake and gave it to him and I kept the rest for myself.
He started crying and whining about how selfish I was.
Me: Alright, so if you were in my position what would you do?
Friend: If it was my birthday cake, I would give you the bigger piece and keep the smaller piece for myself because I'm not selfish.
Me: But that's exactly what I just did so what are you complaining about?
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mother-in-law can m**... any joke.
After the 2000 Presidential elections with the multiple vote recounts in Florida, she came home and told us the funniest joke she had just heard:
Have you seen the new Texas quarter?
You count it five times!
I once ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms and drove from Flint from Auburn hills while being lectured by a Giant Goldcap on why i'd never do mushrooms again.
Turns out, he was completely right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?
Get the quarter back.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "you're all idiots" and pours two beers.
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
One quarter." answered little Johnny.
You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a cheap p**... in town who works the corner by McDonald's
Quarter? Pound her.
in for a penny, in for a pound
A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!
My wife found a quarter on the floor of our bedroom. She asked, "What's this for?"
Apparently, "That's for last night" was not the correct answer.
Asked for a Bitcoin for Christmas
Opened up my present to find a quarter with a bite mark
