Quarter End Jokes
12 quarter end jokes and hilarious quarter end puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about quarter end that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Quarter End Short Jokes
Short quarter end jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The quarter end humour may include short quarter finals jokes also.
- Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracey takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? A slap.
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Quarter End Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about quarter end you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean end of the year jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make quarter end pranks.
Multiple choice test
A teacher has administered a multiple choice test to his students. During the exam he notices one student is flipping a quarter and then filling in his answer key. This continues throughout the exam. Nearing the end of the exam, the techer notices the student picking up pace. He is flipping his quarter faster and faster and frantically erasing and scribbling on his test. The teacher approaches the student and asks "what are you doing?"
"Just double checking my answers"
The Last Fight
The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.
With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and lifted their chipped tools, charging nearly head first into death.
The final line proved too brutal for their torn souls, slipping from the elbows of war and plunging hard into the revolting, fetid puddle beneath them.
This is the last time I wear long sleeves while doing dishes.
The score at the end of the 3rd quarter last night was 56-0.
Atlanta felt so bad about what they were doing to the Bucs that they walked off the field at the start of the 4th.
4 plays later Tampa Bay finally scored.
Heard in Townes Van Zandt's Live at the Old Quarter album
There's this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says, Man, somebody stole my car. The cop says, Well, where was it? And he says, It was right on the end of this key.
The cop says, There's not much I can do for you, but why don't you go down to the precinct house and report it down there. They'll fill out all the proper forms for you.
The guy says ok, and he starts to walk off, but the cop stops him and says, Before you go downtown, you better zip up your fly.
The guy looks down and he says, Aw man, they got my girl too.
A man is getting his haircut at the barbershop...
A kid walks in and the barber says to his customer, "this is the dumbest kid in the world, look I'll prove it to you"
The barber takes out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other and proceeds to ask the kid, "Young man, which of these would you like?"
The kid thinks for a second and then grabs the 2 quarters and leaves.
The barber turns to his customer and says, "See I told you! He is an idiot!"
After leaving the barbershop, the man sees the kid across the street coming out of the ice cream store.
He walks over and asks, "Hey kid, how come you took the quarter and not the dollar?!?"
The kid responds, "Once I take the dollar, that idiot's game will end"
A Little Man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
A Very Short Man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"
Flood
A man hears that a flood will happen. He goes to the attic, with one window to look out on. He starts to pray with god.
**Man:** Oh god, can you please rescue me from Satan's flood?
**God:** Of course you can get rescued!
The flood by now flooded a quarter of the first floor. An SUV pulls up on the driveway.
**SUV Driver**: Hop in if you want to live!
**Man:** No thanks, God will rescue me.
The SUV drives off.
A half hour passes. The flood starts to reach the attic. A raft wades into the scene.
**Raft Rider:** Get on my raft if you want to live.
**Man:** No thank you, God will rescue me.
**Raft Rider:** I am pretty sure you are going to die but whatever.
The raft wades away from the house.
Now the flood has taken over the attic.
The man accepts his fate and drowns.
When he ended up at Heaven, God's angry face is over the gates.
**Man:** You didn't rescue me!
**God:** I tried to! I sent a SUV and a raft out, but you refused both of them.
A new CEO starts his first day
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day.
The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
-Turning of one screw: $1.00.
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots.
"
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now.
One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says,
"Hey, Jake.
Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.
Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do?
Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"