Qualified Jokes
51 qualified jokes and hilarious qualified puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about qualified that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Qualified Short Jokes
Short qualified jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The qualified humour may include short worthy jokes also.
- The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are
- An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
- I just graduated with a degree in Egyptology. So now I am qualified to teach more students Egyptology. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of pyramid scheme.
- Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US? Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
- What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common? Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.
- Why do India never qualify for the world cup? Because whenever they get a corner they open a shop.
- Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house... it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...
- I just finished a college degree in Philosophy. Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.
- There's been a few posts lately about what does and doesn't qualify for a dad joke. I'll prove to you that dad jokes can come in many forms. Here's why. Y
- Interviewer: "Why do you think you are qualified to work as a physcologist?" Me: "Well, why do *you* think I'm qualified to work as a physcologist?"
Interviewer: "You're hired."
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Qualified One Liners
Which qualified one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with qualified? I can suggest the ones about certified and owed.
- "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table
- How qualified is a circle? It has 360 degrees.
- My customers are shocked when they realize I'm not a qualified electrician.
- Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits? Fort Nite
- When you don't qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize... ... Go for the Darwin Award!
- Why are women more qualified than men to be in space? They were born to handle a vacuum
- Just took an acting class.... Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player
- We've got a new opening that you are qualified for! Really? What is it?!
The exit. - Why are Kangaroos only qualified to be teachers? Because they're Kangurus
- How do you qualify a slim and seemingly shady argument? It's an ad eminem.
- I'm not racist, but... Qualifiers are the most annoying way to start a sentence
- If Long John Silvers was an Olympian I'm pretty sure he would not have even qualified
- Italy failed to qualify for World Cup 2018 0_0
- What do you call a percussionist with half a brain? Over qualified.
- what qualifies a woman in hollywood for disability benefits? "A" cup
Laughter Qualified Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about qualified you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean skilled jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make qualified pranks.
A Winking Salesman!
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
AMA Request: Kim Davis.
I would like to hear her answer this question, for she seems uniquely qualified to do so:
If a man and woman from Kentucky get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
Started teaching my son and his friends Karate...
I'm not qualified I just really enjoy k**... children.
A Pirate's Life
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".
Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.
She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to h**....
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to h**.... h**... was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.
So if Lucy died 3.2 million years ago after falling from a tree...
...does that qualify her for a Darwin award?
My career as a karate instructor finally came to an end.
The parents found out I wasn't qualified and just enjoyed k**... children.
Trump and Obama having a private conversation in 2012
Trump: Mr. Obama, out of sheer curiosity, what must I need to do in order to be elected President of the United States?
Obama: President?? You have to be s**..., ignorant, probably delusional to think you can be qualified to be the President of the United States!
Trump: Perfect, I will see you on your way out then.
Obama: What???
College Degree
Forget everything you've learned in college, you wont need it here.
I didn't go to college.
Oh sorry you're not qualified for the job
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...
One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"
The Job Interview
Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.
He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.
Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.
Well done!
Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?
Yes, well done!
Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?
How'd you know that?
Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.
I laughed in disbelief when I saw kanye west was running for president.
But with his recent incoherent twitter ramblings, he seems like he is more than qualified.
Did you know that most drug dealers are exceptionally good at their job?
They are highly qualified.
So this dude dies and goes to heaven...
... as he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Ok, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?"
The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies harassing a little old lady. So I went up to the leader, I spat in his face, I kicked over his bike and I insulted his girlfriend!"
St Peter says, "That's terrific! When did you do that?"
"Oh, about 30 seconds ago."
They say "Those who can't do, teach"
As a redditor, I am fully qualified to teach s**... ed
Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,
The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"
Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"
The boss said " good, well done" then he looked at the ugly girl and asked her "Name me those 1,400 billion people?".
A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.
The owner asks him What makes you think you're qualified for a job here?
The man replies: Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.
The owner is shocked and confused: Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?
The man replied: I'm trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.
The Truth About My Jokes
It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.
Two things: First, I'm not a father, so I don't think that label quite qualifies. However, second, if we grant that it does, considering the negative response towards my jokes.
Are they faux pas?
How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"
It's tough finding journalists qualified to report on rhythm sections
They need to cover all the basses and can't miss a beat.
I'm reposting this joke until somebody finds it funny beside me.
