Putting On Weight Jokes
44 putting on weight jokes and hilarious putting on weight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about putting on weight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Putting On Weight Short Jokes
Short putting on weight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The putting on weight humour may include short gaining weight jokes also.
- My girlfriend told me she's sad because she's put on a bit of weight I told her to keep her chins up
- The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.
- How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes
- People told me girls wait their whole lives to hear a man say "I do" Apparently not if the question was "Do you think I put on weight?"
- Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain… I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.
- How do you know when your wife has suddenly put on weight? When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.
- My uncle died because he put on too much weight. Doctors said it was the worst bench press accident they'd ever seen.
- I downloaded this new app. It's great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat, what's unhealthy and if you've put on weight. It's called the Daily Mail
- I'm trying to lose weight so joined the gym and I see the stupidest people there All of them use the treadmill and put their water bottle in the Pringle holder
- My friend has a compulsion to eat everything in sight, and as a result, he's put on a lot of weight... You might say he suffers from OBCD.
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Putting On Weight One Liners
Which putting on weight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with putting on weight? I can suggest the ones about gain weight and losing weight.
- What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight? Trans fats.
- You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.
- Losing weight is a piece of cake Just put down the fork!
- I'm feeling more attracted to you lately. Have you put on weight?
- I put a weight on a dock, Now that's what I call pier pressure.
- I can drive a woman wild with my tongue. It's simple.
I say "Have you put weight on?" - Thought my tumble dryer was broken Turns out the fridge makes me put on weight.
- I work out. I put weights on my beer mug.
Putting On Weight Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about putting on weight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean overweight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make putting on weight pranks.
Q: How do you know if your baby is dead?
A: Your 3-year-old daughter has put on allot of weight in the last day or two.
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
A man is busy at work and forgets that it is his wife's birthday...
When he gets home, his wife is completely enraged. "I DEMAND THAT YOU GET ME SOMETHING THAT CAN GO FROM 0-200 IN 5 SECONDS OR LESS!". The man cowers under his wife and nods his head.
The next morning the man leaves early for work and puts a small package on the driveway. When his wife wakes up, she looks outside and sees the package. Confused, she grabs her coat and runs outside. She rips up the paper, expecting to see keys, but instead there is a weight scale.
The man has been missing for several days.
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls silent.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman to his left says,
"Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you can't see, that you should know five things...
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a billy club.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.
Now think about it, cowboy... You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The cowboy puts on a disappointed face, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I've stopped going skinny dipping since I put on a little weight
Now I've started chunky dunking.
I was sitting on the subway next to a fat guy and it got me thinking...
So I turned to him and asked "How can you let yourself get so fat? Isn't it hard to put that much weight on?"
"Nah, piece of cake."
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: "Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."
Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.
Once there was a capital O, who everyone thought was a zero. He put on some weight and stopped standing up straight, and now everyone says
Ohio!
The Falcon Heavy is now the world's most powerful rocket
The Falcon Heavy can put around 140,000 pounds of cargo into lower Earth orbit, more than twice as much weight as any other operational rocket. This powerful vehicle could open up entirely new types of business for SpaceX: launching heavy national security satellites or even sending large modules or your mom into deep space.
It's only when you put on some weight, you realize that very few people actually fat-shame.
The majority just fat-ignore.
I used to weigh over 330 lbs...
But then I put down my 150 lb duffle bag of gym weights and boy was that a load off.
My wife complains that she keeps putting on weight. "But I eat like a bird!" she cries.
It's true. She eats half her own weight in sugar syrup every day.
My dad at the doctor
The doctor tells him to watch his weight, my father to answer him "That's why I put it all in front of me!" While flattering his big belly.
My favourite female Twitch streamer seems to have put on a bit of weight...
Hmmm, the thot thickens
An American girl came to the checkout of a store to purchase a cake for her mother's birthday
An Englishman was at the checkout. The girl put the cake down on the counter and let the Englishman check the price.
"That'll be 10 pounds, miss" said the Englishman.
The American girl replied, "Oh, sorry, I wanted the cost not the weight."
The Englishman realised his mistake and immediately said sorry to the girl. He converted 10 pounds to American dollars and allowed the girl to hand him the money.
When she was given back the cake, the girl said," Thanks, I got really confused when you told me the weight. There must be some language barrier since you come from another planet."
A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married
The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fridge.
Sister Ann Putting on Weight
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little f**...!"
We got these little ceramic b**... you put on a pie crust to keep it from bubbling up in Jamaica …
They were pie weights of the Caribbean.
A man is frustrated with his wife gaining a little weight
He tells her, Maybe you should wash your clothes in slim fast since you won't try anything else.
The wife goes to bed angry. The next morning when the husband puts on his underwear, it's full of powder. He asks his wife why she put baby powder in his underwear.
She replies, It's not baby powder, it's miracle grow .