Putting Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

I got kicked out of the library today...

Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he's an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

I don't think I am. the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .

But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

When I was little, my dad used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it

I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

I once caught my ex-girlfriend putting acorns into her vagina...

She was fucking nuts.

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.

When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic

Cook: In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.

"Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

You can't spell "Advertisements" without...

Putting the semen between the tits.

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...

...a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless.

Is it possible to stop a grenade from exploding by putting the pin back in?

I need a quick answer to this question

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Why are closeted gay people good at poker?

Because they're always putting on a straight face.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

If you ever feel your job is pointless.

Just remember: there is some bloke in Germany putting indicators on BMWs

As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked Are you going to put that up yourself?

No you sick fuck, I'm putting it up in the living room.

Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?

Putting it down

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I have no idea, but I'm sure as hell not spanking him.

This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, Will you be putting that up yourself?

I replied, No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room.

I caught my neighbor putting a layer of topsoil on my allotment

The plot thickened

So I got fired from the clock factory yesterday

Apparently I wasn't putting in enough hours

Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?

At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...

BLONDE LUCK

A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.

The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.

See the joke is a reference to Descartes the philosopher who coined the phrase "I think. Therefore I am." However explaining this prior to the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Man was rushed to ER after putting 4 plastic horses up his ass...

After being treated, doctor described his state as stable

My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.


If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.


I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination

Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... You need two i's...

Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn't it, Linda?

Meanwhile in business news...

...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate

So my wife finally had sex with me

Apparently putting out was the only way to stop me from introducing her to everyone as "Wife without benefits".

Some say putting helium in animals is wrong.

I say whatever floats your goat.

I got kicked out of the library today

I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

Mom says, "You get babies when mommies and daddies have sex."

"What's sex?"

"Sex is when Daddy puts his penis into Mommy's vagina."

The girl thinks for a moment. "Okay... but last night I saw that Daddy was putting his penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"You get jewelry, dear."

Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....

"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.

Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"

"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."

Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."

My pharmacist thinks I'm a pedophile.

He keeps putting labels on my pills telling me to keep away from children.

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.

He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."

He says, "I am. How did you know?"

She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

Putting Your exam results on the window of your car

So you can park in disabled spots.

There were three Nuns in a house..

The first Nun says, "I was cleaning the Fathers room this morning, and guess what i found? Pornographic magazines!" The second Nun says, "Well what did you do?" "I threw them all in the trash!" The Nun replied. Then the second Nun says, " Well, i was putting laundry in the Fathers room this morning, and i found some condoms on his dresser!" "Well what did you do?" the first nun asks. "I poked holes in all of them!" The third Nun goes, "Oh, shit!"

Bacon slicer.

Man walks into a butchers and says what's happened to your apprentice butcher?

Had to sack him for putting his nob in the bacon slicer, replied the butcher.

Oh what have you done with the bacon slicer? Asks the man

I've sacked her too, said the butcher.

Just got fired from the keyboard factory the other day

Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts

Ramadan

Putting the slim in Muslim.

I got an email telling me that it was vegan month...

I felt bad putting the message in spam.

There was a man who claimed that, by putting mayonnaise on any food no matter how bland you could make it better.

They decided to name it after him and call it Cole's Law.

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies."

They are putting the pilot together right now.

A blond is tired

A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Three nuns were talking...

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"Β 

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.Β 

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."Β 

The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."Β 

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.Β 

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.Β 

The third nun said, "Oh shit."Β 

How do you make a Tupac cocktail?

Start by putting six shots in it.

A man goes to the dentist for a check-up

"Uh oh" the dentist says, "looks like your denture plate is eroding a bit. Have you been eating any new foods lately?"

The man thinks for a moment and says "you know, my wife has been using a lot of hollandaise sauce lately. She's been putting it on every dish."

"Ah, that explains it" the dentist replies. "We'll have to make you a new denture plate, but this one will need to be made of chrome."

"Chrome?" The man asks in surprise. "Why chrome?"

"Well, you know what they say", replies the dentist.

"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"

Three nuns were talking about their chores...

Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"

"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.

"I threw them away." The first nun replies.

The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"

"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.

"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.

The third nun fainted.

There are 500 bricks on a plane...

- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499

- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge

- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge

- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?

Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

- Sally dies anyways. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

The Guinness Brewery

Mary O'Malley was waiting at home for her husband to come home from work at the Guinness brewery. While she was putting the finishing touches on dinner, she hears a knock on the door. Mary goes to the door to find her husband's friend/coworker, Seamus, on the other side.

"Oh, Seamus! Come in, come in! Please, make yourself at home, I'm just waiting for my husband to come back from work. Can I offer you some tea?" Mary asked.

"No, thank you," replied Seamus. "Mary, unfortunately my visit tonight is not a social one. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it... There was an accident and your husband, well, he fell into a vat of Guinness brew, and he drowned. I'm so sorry, Mary."

Mary collapsed to the floor, and Seamus did his best to comfort her. After a few minutes, she regained her composure enough to ask, "please tell me, because I cannot bear the thought of my husband suffering, was his death quick?"

"Mary, unfortunately I can't say that it was. You see... well... he had to get out three times to piss."

Three men are captured by a tribe of cannibals...

The chief of the tribe said. "Gather 10 fruits of the same kind."
The first guy brought 10 grapes.
Then the chief said. "Insert those grapes into your asshole, if you successfully insert those 10 grapes, we will set you free. But if your face makes any expression. We will kill you."
So the man started putting it inside his asshole. After the fifth grape. He flinches. So they kill him.
The second guy returns with 10 cherries. After the ninth cherry, he laughs. So they kill him.
When the two guys met in heaven, the first guy asks the second guy. "Why did you laugh? You're almost done."
The second guy replied. "I saw the third guy with 10 pineapples!"

The bride asks her husband

The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

The US Justice Department were hellbent on taking IKEA to court a few years ago.

Unfortunately they had to walk away as they were having difficulties putting a case together.

A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...

He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.

The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"

The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."

"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."

The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"

If there are 500 bricks on a plane and one falls off, how many are left?

499.

What are the 3 steps of putting an elephant into a fridge?
Open fridge, put elephant in fridge, close fridge

What are the 4 steps of putting a giraffe into a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.

The lion king is hosting a party. All but one of the guests show up. Who is missing?
The giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to go to the party, but she has to cross a crocodile-infested river to get there. She successfully swims across, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party.

Sally dies anyway, why?
She got hit in the head by a falling brick.

3 women on a plane (originally an arabic joke)

A lebanese, an Egyptian, and a Somali are on a plane. The pilot announces that the plane is crashing into the ocean.

The Lebanese woman starts quickly putting on make up. The other two ask her why and she says:"the rescue team would likely save the prettiest girl first."

The Egyptian then starts putting on a lot of jewelry. They ask her why and she says: "so the rescue team will see some thing shiny from a distance and go towards it. This way I will be saved first."

By now the Somali woman has taken off all her clothes.
"what the hell are are you doing?" asked the Lebanese and the Egyptian.

"I'm pretty sure the first thing the rescue team will look for is the black box."

How many feminists does it take to make a sandwich?

12

One to make the sandwich,

One to excoriate men for creating hunger,

One to blame men for inventing such a laborious recipe,

One to suggest the whole "putting meat in between two non-consenting flaps of bread" bit to be too "rape-like",

One to deconstruct the Bologna sausage itself as being phallic,

One to blame men for not making the sandwich,

One to blame men for trying to make the sandwich instead of letting a woman do it,

One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from eating,

One to blame men for creating a society where women make too many sandwiches,

One to advocate that sandwich makers should have wage parity with Michelin star chefs,

One to alert the media that women are now "out-sandwiching" men,

And one to take pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.

She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

I started a business putting explosives in prayer mats

Prophets are though the roof.

A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more surprised after hearing what happened, asked if everything is okay with his penis.

"Yes everything is fine with the penis", he replied.

"What about the potato cutter?", she asked.

A bit ashamed, he replied "she got fired as well"

A beautiful young lady is sunbathing naked when a bee flies into her vagina...

Her husband starts to panic so he brings her to the nearest hospital. The doctor had idea which involves the husband to put honey on his dick and putting it in her vagina until it stings his dick, then he pulls the bee out as it will be stuck on his dick. So after a few minutes he agrees but couldnt do it because he was afraid it will hurt like hell. The doctor asked the young couple if it was ok for him to perform it. After another few moments they agreed. So the doctor put honey on his dick and put it in the ladys pussy. After a few uncomfortable minutes of him thrusting in his wifes pussy the husband yells out, "fuck how long will it take for the bee to sting your dick!?!?" the doctor panted out, "change of plan, im drowning that bitch!"

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

An Irishman's Confession...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put Β£50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

"I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the Β£50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.

"I'm looking for the seal." - collected

Strange new trend at the office

People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

The other day I saw a girl texting while driving.

The other day I saw a girl texting while driving. Doesn't she realize how dangerous that is? She had no concern for all the people she was on the road with. I thought of all the other motorist that she was putting in danger with her reckless behavior and this pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and thew my beer at her.

ISIS has reportedly starting putting bombs in cans of alphabet soup

If any go off, it could spell disaster

"Mildred, are you putting on weight?"

Lady of the House, "Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Maid, "Well, to tell you the truth Madam, I am pregnant." Lady, "OH DEAR! How ever did you get your self in such condition?"
Maid, "Well Madam it started when I ordered a vibrator through the mail."
Lady, "Goodness! You didn't use that dreadful thing did you?"
Maid, "No Madam, the mail man talked me out of it."

What are the funniest putting jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Putting? Well, here are the best Putting puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Putting pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes