Putin Jokes
104 putin jokes and hilarious putin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about putin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article contains a list of jokes about Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia. Vladimir Putin, the long-standing Russian leader, is a figure who is known and recognized globally, making him a frequent subject of humor and satire. Our compilation of jokes about and from Vladimir Putin offers a unique, lighthearted perspective on this influential leader. These quips are ideal for anyone interested in political humor or for those simply seeking a different spin on joke-telling. Use these Putin-themed jokes to add a dash of international humor to your next social gathering or to spice up a political discussion with a touch of levity. However, considering the subject matter, these jokes are best shared in an environment where political humor is appreciated. So, prepare for a hearty laugh as we delve into the world of Putin-inspired humor.
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Funniest Putin Short Jokes
Short putin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The putin humour may include short soviet union jokes also.
- I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
- Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". - Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
- Let's discuss who the most hated world leader is as of now I think Putin just Trump-ed all of his competitors
- Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting. - Russia has announced early results from the election The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.
- Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks. It was easier Z than done.
- What did Zelensky reply to Putin when he called him to complain about the exploded bridge? Crimea River!
- Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...." Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"
- Say what you want about Vladimir Putin.. But not many people can run two countries at once
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Putin One Liners
Which putin one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with putin? I can suggest the ones about fidel castro and communist.
- Why is Putin in such a hurry to get into ukraine? Because he's always Russian.
- Can a woman be the president of Russia? No because Putin is not a woman
- When it comes to Putin you have to hand it him... Or he will send people to take it.
- Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace. A piece of Ukraine.
- Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game? Vladimir Putin.
- In Russia, you don't vote for Putin... Putin votes FOR you.
- What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common? They all attacked a comedian
- What do you get if you cross Putin with a... bang! You don't cross Putin!
- Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%... The other 20% are missing.
- What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading? Crimea River.
- Why was Putin late for dinner with Obama? Because he got Snowden.
- I think Putin woke up late today I saw him Russian to work
- What is Putin's favorite justin timberlake song? Crimea River...
- Never accept tea offered by the Russian President You don´t know what Vladimir Putin
- What is Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine? Crimea-River
Comical & Quirky Putin Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about putin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make putin pranks.
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting
Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"
Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"
With the situation in Ukraine...
Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production!
- We will work three shifts!
- Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russia's Three Steps to Homework
Step 1. Putin it off
Step 2. Stalin
Step 3. Russian to finish
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
Bought a Russian car...
The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"
Why does Putin always take the bus to work?
His car is always Stalin
So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...
In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,
Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.
Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election.
Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?
Putin's top official comes to him after the election...
"You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?" The officer said overjoyed.
Putin stared at him. "Their names."
If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember
Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are standing in line in Russia
One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.
During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL h**... WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"
Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.
He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.
Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant
"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.
"I'll have the steak", says Putin.
"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.
"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President s**...."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the u**... is from Putin."
"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting's is Melania's."
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.
It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.
I finally realized what I have to do to become the President of Russia...
Just got to Putin the work.
Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…
The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.
After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…
A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Putin and h**...?
h**... knew when to kill himself
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ivan from Russia went to an anti-war protest in St. Petersburg carrying a sign that said: Putin is insane!
So, the courts sentenced him 22 years in prison. 2 years for treason, 20 years for giving away an official state secret.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin is held hostage by a t**....
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A t**... is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a starfish and Vladimir Putin?
One is brainless, spineless, and impossible to reason with.
The other one is a starfish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon
Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it's starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of v**... and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Zelensky throws out Putin and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway and looks at Biden smugly as they c**... anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky's b**....
BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week
Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't Putin visit the Queen?
He can't handle UK rain.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv?
Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.
My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...
... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself
He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"
(edit - typo)
A man in Russia was arrested for saying that Putin is an idiot and given a peculiar sentence to one year and fourteen days precisely in prison.
That's fourteen days for criticising the government, and one year for revealing a state secret.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow
He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".
Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.
"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."
"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?
Mankind
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin dies and goes to h**...
Putin dies and goes to h**..., but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.
Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,
grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.
Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"
He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''
he said ''no the queue was too long''
Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin...
dead."
Zelensky calls Putin
Zelensky: Hey Volodya, wanna hear a joke?
Putin: Sure
Zelensky: Ukraine
Putin: I don't get it.
Zelensky: You will never get it.
Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...
Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
Vladimir Putin visits a school...
He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him That's it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin. They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him Well, did you do it? The worker says, No, the line there was much longer than the line here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling The president is an idiot
Police surround him and handcuff him. They say it is i**... to insult President Putin
He says You don't understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting
The police captain says you can't fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin met with Zalenskyy and said "After I die, I bet you'll p**... on my grave"
And Zalenskyy said "No, after I got out of the army I promised myself I would never wait in a line again"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The traffic jam in Russia.
There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.
Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!
Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire!"
The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks "Okay, how much is everyone else giving?"
The man replies "Oh, about a gallon or so."
What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?
They both lead Russia to the 18th century.
Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:
"How long will I live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
Putin asks Zelenskyi: 'When I'm dead, I bet you will come to urinate on my grave?"
Zelenskyi: "Nah. Never been fond of waiting in line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot
5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.
Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us? Stalin gives him the advice: Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue. Why blue? asks Vladimir Putin.
I knew you wouldn't have a problem with the first part, chuckles Stalin.
Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.
Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"
A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.
A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.
"Comrade President! What is wrong?"
"I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!"
"Da, Vlad, I see. Everything will be OK. Why don't we lie down and rest? But first, let's put the Corn Flakes back in the box."
