The Best 69 Putin Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Putin jokes. There are some putin crimea jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these putin vladimir putin puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Putin Jokes and Puns
In Russia, you don't vote for Putin...
Putin votes FOR you.
I know russia is corrupt..
the proof is in the Putin.
Why was Putin late for dinner with Obama?
Because he got Snowden.
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting
Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"
Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"
Putin at the airport
Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
Stalin appears in Putin's dream...
Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" Putin asks.
"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?
Crimea River.
Russia's Three Steps to Homework
Step 1. Putin it off
Step 2. Stalin
Step 3. Russian to finish
Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.
Customs Officer: "Name?"
Putin: "Vladimir Putin."
Customs Officer: "Nationality?"
Putin: "Russian."
Customs Officer: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."
What do Americans and Putin have in common?
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?
You can explore putin merkel reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean putin russian dad jokes. There are also putin puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"
Putin lands at Helsinki airport...
...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.
Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.
A piece of Ukraine.
Bought a Russian car...
The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House
One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? β We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' β Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.
I think Putin woke up late today
I saw him Russian to work
So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...
In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.
How do Putin opponents commit suicide?
Two bullets to the back of the head.
Say what you want about Vladimir Putin..
But not many people can run two countries at once
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,
Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.
Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning the election.
Putin said, 'Thanks, but why have you waited for over a year?
If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember
Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.
Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."
Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"
Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote
Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
Can a woman be the president of Russia?
No because Putin is not a woman
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Two men are standing in line in Russia
One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"
Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,
He has to run two countries instead of one.
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.
During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
What do you get if you cross Putin with a...
Bang! You don't cross Putin!
Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant
"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.
"I'll have the steak", says Putin.
"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.
"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."
Putin asks, "Why blue?"
Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it's a local call."
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.
It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
A Comedian in Russia.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
A Russian stand up comedian was joking about the Putin.
Jokes were good. I liked the execution.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".ο»Ώ
Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?
Vladimir Putin.
I finally realized what I have to do to become the President of Russia...
Just got to Putin the work.
Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putinβ¦
The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.
After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad newsβ¦
A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finlandβ¦
What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
Putin consulted with a fortune teller
The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.
Putin asks: "Which one?
To which the fortune teller responded, Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!
Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:
Driver: What's going on?
Policeman: A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 mill rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations.
Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.
Policeman: About a gallon.
Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon
Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it's starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway
Zelensky throws out Putin and says don't worry I've got too much of that in my country anyway and looks at Biden smugly as they crash anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky's balls.
BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week
Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'
Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv?
Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.
My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...
... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.
Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself
He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"
(edit - typo)
A man in Russia was arrested for saying that Putin is an idiot and given a peculiar sentence to one year and fourteen days precisely in prison.
That's fourteen days for criticising the government, and one year for revealing a state secret.
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?
Mankind
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."
Why is Putin in such a hurry to get into Ukraine?
Because he's always Russian.
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
Vladimir Putin is called to New York to answer before the United Nations for his invasion of Ukraine
Putin gets to the customs officer and presents his passport.
Customs agent: And what's the purpose of your visit, Mr. Putin? Business or pleasure?
Putin: Business, of course.
Customs agent: Occupation?
Putin: No, not this time. Just visiting.
What's the difference between Putin and poutine?
Some people actually like poutine
Let's discuss who the most hated world leader is as of now
I think Putin just Trump-ed all of his competitors
A Russian comedian told jokes about Putin
The material wasn't good, but the execution was great
What would happen if Vladimir Putin retreats?
He would become Vladimir Pullout.
Why is Putin doing so badly in Ukraine?
He did not make a plan. He just wanted to Russian.
Gru and Putin resemble each other and both are despicable but how are they different?
One is aimed at children and the other aims at children.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the putin collusion jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working putin putin obama piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.