Pussy Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow

Found out she meant trout, not Skittles

Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

My password is pussy

Because most hackers don't get it

What is the similarity between a pussy and the mafia?

One slip of the tounge and you're in deep shit.

What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means it's good.

My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

My girlfriend came out of the shower

and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"

I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!".

The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy?

Crust

So this guy asks if I prefer breasts or legs

And I reply, really I'd prefer wet pussy.

Apparently this is not an appropriate thing to say at KFC.

What does smoking a cigarette and eating a pussy have in common? [NSFW]

The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.

Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate..!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Communist alternative of "grab 'em by the pussy" would be...

..."seize the means of reproduction."

Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

A woman teaches her virgin boyfriend.....

about sex. She suggests some 69 and has him lay down with her on top. As she starts sucking him, she lowers her pussy to his face and accidentally farts. Embarrassed, she jumps up and says they should try again. As soon as she squats on his face, she farts again. The guy then says: Can we try something else? I don't think I can take 67 more of these.

The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend...

...I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."

Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it all around, barely touching the sides!"

The third one laughed at the other two and slid down the bar stool.

I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...

There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.

A penis has a hard life

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

What does 80 year-old pussy taste like?

Depends...

"So I went to this convention called, "Ladies Without Legs", and man...

was that place crawling with pussy." - Willie Nelson

(NSFW) What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?

When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.

She asked me if I'm a breast or legs man...

I replied that I'm more into shaved pussy and anal.

I'm now banned from KFC.

A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

I consider myself somewhat of a pussy magnet...

...I just need to learn how to change the polarity.

The bravest thing I ever did

I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.

I waited over an hour to speak.

Heard all the stories.

Finally it was my turn.

"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.

Everyone nodded.

"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."

Eating pussy is like going on a roadtrip with your wife

You don't want to stop and ask for directions and you dont want to admit that a handheld device could do a better job than you

My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse....

I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked 'how do you tell them apart?'

He replied 'that's easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!'

[NSFW] Can I...?

Here's an old Roy Chubby Brown joke.

I was in my changing room the other day and a female staff member came in and was tidying up. I looked at her for a while and then plucked up the courage to ask, "Excuse me, love. Can I smell your pussy?"

Shocked, she slapped me and shouted, "You most certainly cannot!".

"Oh," I responded, "It must be your feet, then."

a young man walking down the street gets approached by a hooker....

She asked him...

"Want to have a good time?"...

"Sure"... he says....

They head off to the nearest hotel...

She takes off her clothes...all the while he's staring at her.....
The hooker says...."is this the first time you've seen a pussy since you crawled out of one?"

"Nope..just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into!"

Three women are bragging about their conquests in a bar

The first one says,"I am so loose, I can fit my fist in my pussy!".

The second one responds with, "Oh yeah? I can fit both my fists in mine!".

The third woman laughs as she starts to slide down the barstool.

The other day I went to a Paraplegic Strip Club

That place was crawling with pussy.

If Donald Trump was a communist,

If Donald Trump was a communist, instead of saying "Grab her by the pussy" he would have said "Seize the means of reproduction."

Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?

Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?

Because your dick thinks you're a pussy too...

3 Women are at a bar. (Mildly nsfw)

and they are all bragging about the sizes of their vaginas. The first one says, "My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole fist in it!" The second says, "Ha, is that all? My pussy is soooooo big, my husband can stick his whole foot in it!". The third one just laughs and slides down the stool.

So I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up so I shouted over How's the second-hand pussy?

Quick as a flash that bastard replied Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new.

Nephew asks about sex

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

Kid, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom, "I'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today."

Wife had a dream she was at a Dick auction.

She told her husband about, "The big ones were going for $100 and the small ones were $1."

"How much did mine go for?" He askes. "There were no bidders." She replied.

The next morning the husband tells his wife "I had a crazy dream I was at a pussy auction, the tight ones were going for $100 and the loose ones were a dollar."

"How much did mine go for?" she asked.

"That's where we had the auction!"

Why did Jimmy bring his cat to school?

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

One of my buddies just got back from a convention for women with no legs...

He said the place was crawling with pussy

What does a priest get when he wants some pussy?

Nun.

I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it...

Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.

A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs.

The moral of this story? A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

A guy enters a bar...

A guy enters a bar and orders a whole tequila bottle. The barman asks him what's up and the guy says: "I've just found out one of my sons is gay".
Next day, the same guy orders two tequila bottles. "Today, the other son told me he's also gay..." explains him to the barman.
The third day - now the guy asks for 3 tequila bottles.
"So, I guess there is no one left in your family who likes pussy..." - says the barman.
"Oh yes, there is", replies the guy. "My wife."

How do you turn a pussy into a dick?

Give him a badge.

Why don't Jewish men eat pussy?

Because it's too close to the gas chamber.

The life of a Dick.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

A guy gets out of the shower, looks in the mirror...

And says "Damn!"

His girlfriend hears him and asks "What's wrong?"

The guy says "Every time I look in the mirror when I'm naked I get a boner."

His girlfriend replies "That's because even your dick thinks you're a pussy."

I saw my ex-wife with her new lover and decided to wind him up, so I shouted…

"How's the second-hand pussy?!"

Quick as a flash, he replied, "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new!"

The life of a penis is not an easy one.

His family is nuts, his neighbour is an ass, his owner beats him and his best friend is a pussy.

A son asks his dad, "Tell me a joke!"

And his dad replies, "Pussy!"

The son tells him, "I don't get it..."

And his dad says, "I know you don't."

When a woman buys a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun

But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 latex doll with high speed pulsating pussy, elasticised anus with non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm sound system, he gets called a pervert.

Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

What are the funniest pussy jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Pussy? Well, here are the best Pussy puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Pussy pick up lines to share with friends.

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