pushed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious pushed puns

A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.

Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?

Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.

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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

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My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

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NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

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My physics teacher said i have potential

and then pushed me down the stairs

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I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables...

He said "prove it."

So I pushed him off the balcony.

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I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance...

So I pushed her over.

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I used to work at a bank,

an old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

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ATM

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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I was at an atm and some little kid asked me to help him check his balance

... So I pushed him over

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I lost my job at the bank on the first day...

...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

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An old woman stopped me and asked

"Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

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A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

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Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

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So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

 

 

*credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*

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So I'm in line at the ATM.

And the old woman in front of me asked me to help her check her balance..

So I pushed her over

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A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".

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I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

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A woman standing next to an ATM asked me if I can help her check her balance.

So I pushed her.

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A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff.

He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

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I finally fixed that annoying sound in my car.

I opened the door and pushed her out.

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The other day, my Physics teacher said I had so much potential...

Then he pushed me out the window.

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I was waiting in line at the ATM

when I noticed the old woman in front of me having a bit of trouble using the machine. I walked up to her and asked if she needed any help. She turned to me and asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

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I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg

He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over

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They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer

So I pushed Steve off a cliff, just in case it was him.

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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

A woman asked me if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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When I was a young boy

My father would always tell me "whatever you do you must never open that cellar door" being a young kid I always followed his advice for years. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore so one day when he was gone I walked up to the door and with nervous hands I pushed it open. I was astonished to see a clear blue sky, green grass and children laughing and playing just outside.

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Earth can not be flat

Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.

Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.

God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.

They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

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One day I was playing...

I was about seven years oldβ€”and I saw the cellar door open just a crack. Now my folks had always warned me: Emo, whatever you do, don't go near the cellar door. But I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me, so I went to the cellar door, pushed it open and walked through, and I saw strange, wonderful thingsβ€”things I had never seen beforeβ€” like ... trees, grass, flowers, the sunβ€”that was nice!

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Two men arguing

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."

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A customer asked me to check their balance.

...so I pushed them over and they fell.

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A man comes home to his wife with two black eyes

The wife freaks out but calms down enough to ask what happened. The man says well i was in the mall today on the escalator and there was this cute girl in front of me and she had her skirt tucked into her but. I pulled it out for her and she turned around and punched me in the eye. The wife says yeah i approve of that but how did you get the second one? The man says well i figured she liked it that way and pushed it back in.

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A Pint of Guinness

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

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I lost my job as a cashier today.

An old lady asked if I could check her balance so far.

So I pushed her over.

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What are the most funny Pushed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Pushed? Well, here are the best Pushed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Pushed pick up lines to share with friends.

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