Push Pull Jokes

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!"

A little boy was pushing a heavy cart uphill with a lot of effort.

The work was very tiring, so someone walking nearby felt pity and helped the little boy push the heavy cart until the end of the hill.
He stopped indignant there and told to the child:
"You should say to your boss that it is a shame to make a kid such hard work to do."
"I told them, sir."
"Well, what did they reply?"
"Pull kid and some s**... will be there to help you."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"

Oh no...

A man in uniform pulled me over and said, "Sir can you get out the car please." I complied and he put handcuffs on me then pushed me onto the bonnet.
"Can you please tell me what I've done officer?"I asked.
"Oh I'm not an officer." he said, unbuckling his belt.

A Man Gets Pulled Over

So a man is driving down the street when he approaches a large box of push tac's in the middle of the road and swerves to avoid it. He keeps driving but soon hears a siren and see's a police officer in his rear view mirror hailing him to pull over.
"Do you know why I pulled you over, Sir?"
"No Officer, why?"
"Tac's Evasion"

Guy walking down the street...

...sees a bloke coming towards him pulling a rope. It looks about 20 feet long, there doesn't seem to be anything tied to the end of it. As they pass each other he says, "G'day mate, mind if I ask why you're pulling that rope?"
The other bloke replies, "Come off it! Have you ever tried to push a rope?!"

A woman is visiting a farm...

A woman is visiting a farm and sees an attractive but naive farmhand. She goes to talk to him and convinces him to meet her in the barn later. Once she has him alone in the barn she says, "t**... clothes."
"Well all right" he says and does so.
"Now take off all my clothes". He complies.
She lies back on a hay bale and says, "Now put it inside me." He does. "Now pull it almost all the way out". So he does. "Now push it back in." To which the farmhand says, "Lady, you gotta make up your mind, I've got chores to do!"

A man comes home to his wife with two black eyes

The wife freaks out but calms down enough to ask what happened. The man says well i was in the mall today on the escalator and there was this cute girl in front of me and she had her skirt tucked into her but. I pulled it out for her and she turned around and punched me in the eye. The wife says yeah i approve of that but how did you get the second one? The man says well i figured she liked it that way and pushed it back in.

Luke tried to open a pull door by pushing...

He had an extremely confused "luke" on his face

2 Black Eyes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

Saw a guy pulling some string down the road the other day

'What are you doing? why are you pulling that bit of string?'
'You should try pushing it!'

What's the difference between a grenade and the Samsung Note 7?

You gotta pull the pins on grenades, but push the charging pins in a Note 7.

Door... Push or Pull

Whenever I see a door that says "push", I always pull first, to avoid conflicts.

The rope joke

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"
The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar, all having a beer.
A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one.
A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking.
Eventually a fly lands in the Scotsmans beer. He reaches in, pulls it out and holds it over his glass, hitting the back of it and starts shouting "Spit it out ya little bastid!"

Dave's wife is pregnant

Dave: Push!
Wife: [in labour] I AM
Dave: push harder!!
Wife: I CAN'T
Dave: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

In front of a mental clinic, a patient was pulling a rope.

Doctor: why are you pulling that rope?
Patient: what do you want me to do, push it?!

Using "Gay" to mean "Bad" is homophobic... UNLESS you're talking about Javascript developers.

Bad Javascript developers, like g**..., spent much of their time pushing and pulling packages.

Garage sale

A preacher and his wife go garage sale hunting one Saturday morning.As the wife looks around the preacher notices a nice looking push lawnmower for $20.He asks the man at the garage sale what's wrong with it.$20 is a steal if it works.The man said it works great if you can get it started but you got to cuss it a few times.The preacher responded,I've been a Christian for 30 years and ill have you know its been so long I've forgotten how to cuss.The man responds,pull that string a few times and it'll come back to you.

A man walks into a bar.

He has a pleasant evening drinking with his girlfriend and buddies until the establishment closes.
As he is leaving he steps into a bar
-wood taxi, which he called to take him home.
As the taxi driver is pulling away he hits a bar.
To start the meter.
As the man enters his building he hits a bar.
To open the main entrance.
He steps into a bar,
of artificial light as he pushes the button for the elevator.
Then the man walks into a bar.
Swung directly at his head by his angry wife.

A hot student was getting bad grades in science.

His teacher agreed to give him good grades based on his performance in the bedroom.
They go to the teachers house the next week and have a night of passion.
The student completely flunked the tests but got good grades in chemistry and physics.
He asks why those two and not biology as well.
"Well, the chemistry was definitely there and you were so good with the pushing and pulling"
"What about biology?"
"Well let's just say there's a new carbon based being inside of me thanks to you"

My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout.

I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down.

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder

I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"
She : "Let's see how this date goes first"

No good deed goes unpunished

I ran into a friend of mine who looked roughed up, with a shiner and an arm in a cast. I was aghast and asked him what happened.
He: Dude, don't ask. I was on the bus, minding my own business, when the gal sitting next to me stood up as her stop was approaching, and I noticed her skirt was stuck in her buttcrack. Thought I'd do her a favor and pull the skirt back out, but she punched me in the face.
Me: That s**..., yo! What's with the arm?
He: Oh, that was for trying to make peace by pushing the skirt back in .

Kids these days...

It was a very rainy day and the new kindergarten teacher was helping her children wear their galoshes. It was a tiresome job involving much pushing and shoving.
Finally it was young Barry's turn. The teacher pushed and pushed and finally helped him into his galoshes.
"You know," said Barry, "These aren't my galoshes."
The poor teacher groaned and struggled to pull his galoshes off. When she finally did, she said, "Alright Barry, now whose galoshes are these?"
"They're my brother's, but mum said I could wear them anyway."

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill...

...pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F\*\*k this," "F\*\*k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
"Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
​
"Well tell him to get the f\*\*k out and push!!!"